Name: Mark Normand Best Moments on Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-05-21T20:30:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand Best Moments on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-05-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mark Normand Best Moments on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-05-21. Transcript available.

Mark Normand Best Moments on Are You Garbage

Good to be back. I love it here. Sorry, I'm a little banged up from the
Nashville weekend, but we're having a good time.
When you say you did an all-nighter, you were up 24 hours, didn't sleep?
Yeah, well, they got these after parties with the free drinks, and they just
keep coming.
Then you see a guy who's at the show, he gives you a shot, and you high-five
him.
So what night is this, theoretically?
That was Saturday night.
So it's Saturday night, so you don't sleep Saturday. Sunday, what do you do?
I get up and go on a flight and go home, and then you got to go home and hug a
baby, and you got to fake it.
I'm at the airport puking my guts out. I'm eating a sandwich going, all right,
come on.
You're hungover. You're proper hungover.
Hungover, no sleep, you know, the whole thing. Diarrhea, puking, gay.
You can't walk in and be like, hey, I don't feel well or something like that.
No, you got to be on, baby. It's battle stations when you get home. That's the
hard part about a kid.
Hey, everybody, who wants to laugh? Doing crowd work?
Because you got to think, she's been with the kid all weekend, so she's like—
So she needs relief.
Yeah.
And you come in smelling like a hooker or something.
Yeah, exactly, exactly. Cigarettes, puking up cigar butts and semen, and she
hands you the baby when you walk in, and you're like, who's this?
You know?
I've never seen this guy.
She's covered in stains. It looks like Monica Lewinsky. It's tough.
And then when did you get to sleep on Sunday night?
Sunday night? Well, I said, you know what? I'm going to put the baby to bed
early, you know?
It's noon.
I've got to get some baby time.
You're going around pulling the shades down?
Yeah. What's his name again? And yeah, so I went to bed at like, you know, 10.30.
I watched White Lotus, I rub one out, and that was it.
Where do you rub one out?
Yeah, you know, the crib's here. I'm in the bed. We're good.
Sure.
The sound machine's on.
Have you ever yanked it when the missus is in bed with you?
Yeah, that's tough.
Really?
You've got to not shake. You know? You've got to keep it still. It's like, I
need a, what do you call it? A posturepedic.
That's a slow jerk.
Yeah.
Remember that commercial where they dropped a bowling ball?
The bowling ball, yeah.
You're just standing there wailing on yourself?
Yeah, exactly.
I've always wondered whatever would happen if I, because I, that, that, that's
my move. And if I ever got busted doing that.
That's your move?
Good thing you don't have a waterbed, dude.
Oh, God. That's Katrina all over again. That thing pops.
Taking out the coast of Japan.
Tsukashima.
All the water gets sucked out.
Cat runs into the living room.
I would assume, I would assume that would be, just knowing my wife, that would
probably be like a, like an emotional, that would be a bad thing.
I mean, dude, you're both, you're both in bed and you're just fucking, because
you do it odd, too.
I don't know. He plays the, the fiddle?
Yeah.
He's doing a money sign?
Woo! Devil went down to Georgia.
Looking for his shoulders.
Yeah, he just does like a little pinch and, pinch and roll.
Weird.
Pinch and roll.
What are you telling my move for?
I've never heard of this.
You can't be doing that, Norman.
You do it out of state if you want.
All right.
The knuckle.
I don't know the pinch roll.
It's hard to find a good mechanic.
Sometimes I'll do the old backwards.
French grip.
Yeah, right.
The old Elliot Page.
I'll flip it around, you know.
The old McEnroe.
It's called the Andre Agassi in my house.
There was a great comic instead of, it was an open mic comic.
I forget who it was.
It was a great joke you hear that you never hear again.
The guy was like, you know how some people, you sit on your hand.
The stranger.
And jerk off.
It feels like someone else is jerking off.
I sit on my dick till it goes numb.
It feels like I'm jerking off a completely different guy.
The stranger is great.
Is that Nate Borgazzi, I think?
I mentioned Easter.
I get excited for Easter.
Yes.
Any candy themed holiday he starts chubbing up for.
To be fair, you're looking for candy on Tuesday, just in the corner.
Is it the end of Ramadan?
Let me break this fast.
I found out that they eat at night, man.
That's easy.
Dude, that's standing on my head.
I thought they had to go 40 days with nothing.
Who are they, Moses?
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, no, they eat at night.
They're just not allowed to eat during the day.
They have big parties at night.
The mosque down the street from me, it's like fucking Studio 54.
Club Med.
I didn't know that.
I was with you.
I thought that's why they were so angry.
No tits, no bacon.
Get a kiff bar or something, will you?
No, they do nice spread at night.
Looks pretty good, too.
Wow.
A little yogurt, a little tzatziki.
All right, I like it.
Do you guys have any plans with the baby?
You got to get the baby baptized or anything like that?
We did the circumcise.
That was hell.
In the hospital.
I did it myself.
It wasn't easy.
Yeah, I just got a teeth in there.
They saved 50 bucks.
Yeah, like a Snickers.
I just ripped it.
But, yeah, yeah, that was tough because that fucking dong is all mangled for a
while.
But he looks good now.
Good piece.
That's got a sting.
Proud of the piece?
Proud of the piece.
That's good.
Ball bag's even better.
Good ball bag.
That is a drum, I would assume.
Oh, well, I bathe him every night in the hot tub, and that thing gets like an
old taffy.
In the hot tub?
Well, that's what I call it.
It's a warm bath.
I'm not fucking Matthew Perry-ing this kid over here, you know?
Cut him out in the jacuzzi?
Yeah.
You know, that's a guy, by the way.
Who?
That's his name, John Jacuzzi.
Get the fuck out of here.
Pull that up.
No shit.
I might have the first name wrong, but that's like, yeah, Tony Jacuzzi?
Is it something like that?
That's pretty good.
I think I remember this now.
That's what it's named after, that guy.
No, but then you would bump into other jacuzzis, I feel.
Like somebody would have-
The jacuzzi family.
I would have went to school with the jacuzzis.
That's true.
There's too many Zs, too, in a last name.
I'm telling you.
I think it's a guy.
Uh-oh.
I thought it was an Italian word for hot bath.
No.
Oh.
The founder was Giocondo Jacuzzi.
Oh!
Giocondo!
Giocondo!
Huge ball bag.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You know he invented that just to get pussy kicked.
Oh, dude, 100%.
I'm going to make a big soup.
None of these broads want to take a bath with me.
Yeah.
You put your butthole right next to the vent.
It can also go Asian, too.
Jacuzzi.
It almost sounds like, yeah, Jacuzzi.
Oh, very good.
That's not bad.
That's what they say before they stab themselves.
Right.
The Japanese.
Right.
We had a jacuzzi growing up.
That was-
What?
We were semi-new money.
My dad did well.
My parents built a house.
And when we moved out of the city into the suburbs, I was very young.
Wait, you had a jacuzzi at the house at your mom's house?
Yeah.
No shit.
Oh, man.
When did that get taken down?
Last year.
No kidding.
Yeah, I mean it's-
I don't remember seeing that.
Oh, we blew the motor out.
So, that was like in her bathroom.
Oh!
You know, in her bathroom there was a big jacuzzi.
Wait, in the tub?
Yeah.
No, but it was big.
I mean, it was like-
It was big.
I thought you meant outside.
No, the jacuzzi's inside.
I've seen the one in her bedroom.
Yeah.
A hot tub's outside.
A jacuzzi I thought was like an indoor tub.
No, that's interchangeable.
It's like band-aid.
Right.
I don't think so.
It is a hot tub, though.
A jacuzzi is a hot tub.
A jacuzzi can be outside.
Yes.
A jacuzzi is the name brand.
Yes.
A jacuzzi is the name brand.
Yes.
And do they also make outdoor ones?
I'm not saying they do.
I just thought they did it.
You think Giacomo Jancuzzi's not fucking doing outside them?
Currently, they do.
Currently, they do.
I've never seen an indoor jacuzzi.
I thought that was a whirlpool.
Maybe it's a whirlpool.
I don't know.
We called it a jacuzzi.
Yeah, it's a cool name.
And either way, we'd have like 14 neighborhood kids in there wrestling and shit.
It was a sea.
It wasn't as classy as it was supposed to be.
A whirlpool is when you have an above-ground pool and everybody runs around in
a circle.
Oh, yeah.
We used to do that.
It's the best.
We'd throw ice cubes in it, too.
Woo!
It's getting cold.
We didn't have a lot of things.
But jacuzzi, the saddest thing about a jacuzzi was when you let one just rot
out for a while
and you come over and it's just algae and mold.
They always hop all the time.
There's like leaves on top of the cover and shit.
Yes, exactly.
We used to have one in college.
We bought, me and like five guys rented this big house.
Such a good idea on paper for the first week.
100%.
And we'd hook up with girls in it.
That was like a big selling point.
Like, hey, I got a jacuzzi at the house.
Dude, in college, that's like, might as well be Hugh Efner.
Forget about it.
So I'd bring girls over and it would be late at night.
So you'd flop that big, big mat, you know, that big foldy.
It's like 800 pounds.
Yes, yes.
Spiders running everywhere.
And the steam would come out and we'd hook up and all that.
But then you look at that thing in the morning and you're like, thank God it
was nighttime.
Because this is like Flint water.
There's fish in there.
Yeah, it was brown and green.
Rubates at the bottom of it.
It's like the city of Atlantis down there.
Who's paying Lenny's rent this month, huh?
He ain't going to make it.
I wonder if jacuzzi was trying to hang out with Ferrari and Lamborghini.
Like, hey, I'm one of you guys.
They're like, get out of here.
Yeah, he was new money.
He was new hooker money.
Possibly.
Because Lamborghini, he got elbowed by Ferrari.
That's why he started the company.
That's right.
He threw his nose at him.
He was a tractor guy.
A tractor guy.
He went and told Ferrari, hey, this is what you got to do.
You got to do this, that, the other thing.
Ferrari was like, fucking, go back to the fucking potato farm.
Right, right.
Built the Lamborghini.
Sure.
Thinking about getting one.
Oh, are you?
A jacuzzi.
Do they still make Lamborghini?
Ferrari's still cooked.
We've been asking people on the show lately, what's something that you do that
makes you
feel wealthy or classy?
And it doesn't have to be like a money thing.
It could be like, when I go to the store, I buy a lot of toilet paper to make
sure I have
it.
Or like, you know.
I'll tell you.
Because you don't indulge on yourself.
Because we have one from a fan that wrote it, and he goes, having all my shirt
hangers
the same color or even the nice wooden ones makes him feel like he opens his
closet and
goes like, I'm put together.
I'm a wealthy guy.
A wooden hanger is big when they make that clunk, clunk noise.
Because the metal ones are like, tang, tang, tang.
They're all stuck together.
I've had some bad hangers in my day.
Oh, yeah.
But one thing I do that makes me feel rich is sometimes I'll go to the self-checkout
and
not steal.
And I feel like a king.
Like, what an upstanding citizen I am.
I could have taken those raspberries.
That's not bad.
You're stealing every time you do the self-checkout.
Easily.
Well, if I'm doing the work, I'm going to take a little tip.
You mean not when you're on the road, like here at the grocery store, if you're
going
for the family?
Stop and shop.
Brooklyn.
It's crazy.
They don't watch you.
So I'm like, well, I'll just put the salad dressing in the bag.
There you go.
We're really getting in front of this with a robber.
Yeah.
He's depositing that later today.
Well, you know about my break-in.
Sure.
Yeah.
I took all my cash.
My cool guy drawer.
I had a drawer with like mushrooms in it, some weed, a little handgun, a bunch
of cash.
At the new place?
No, at the old place.
And the guy crawled up my window, opened the drawer, perfect score, walked out.
I had a computer, a laptop, a TV, iPad, all this shit.
He didn't take any of it.
No shit.
Just took the cash.
He went right for the cash.
Crackhead.
Did he look around?
No, because he had crazy