Name: Chris Distefano Confronts His Jealous Neighbor Over Shoveling Snow | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-05-02T21:45:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano Confronts His Jealous Neighbor Over Shoveling Snow | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano Confronts His Jealous Neighbor Over Shoveling Snow | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-05-02. Transcript available.

Some guy came up to me at one of the fairs that we had in my town.
He goes, hey, I know the house you live in.
It's a little weird.
What the fuck?
It's a podcast.
They know that small town.
They know that.
Small town.
They know the comedian lives in there.
Is it?
The comedian.
Yep.
Really?
He goes, that sunroom you got.
I said, yeah.
He goes, I banged a girl on that couch.
He goes, there's a Chinese girl that used to live there.
I said, no.
It's Jewish people.
What was this, the UN of the house?
I said, no.
I said, it's a Jewish guy.
He goes, no, ask.
He had Chinese girls they adopted.
I banged one in the sunroom.
I said, okay.
So I asked my neighbor.
He's over there, no shoes or socks on, lighting fires, putting the garbage out.
Mid-Feb.
Mid-Feb.
I said, can I ask you a question?
I said, the guy.
Is it Chinese?
I said, were there Asian people that lived there?
He goes, yeah, the owner, he adopted a couple of Asian girls.
And then as he's walking in, he goes, one of them was pretty cute.
I said, yeah, I think she got banged in the sunroom.
He goes, that tracks.
And then shut his garage door.
So it's a small town.
Any beefs in the small, not beefs, but any ruffle?
There is, because you're a big personality.
You move in your own.
I know he lives there.
Are you ready for this?
I mind my own business.
Until he don't.
So first of all, first week, cops come up, local village police come up, come
to my house.
Why?
Well, they knock on the door.
Welcome.
Well, first of all, first thing I did, I moved in there August 1st, August 3rd.
Okay.
I went down to the farmer's market that's in my town, got a beautiful peach pie,
dropped
it off at the precinct.
I wanted to let them know, here's my name.
Here's where I live.
I'm a big supporter of the police.
Peach pie on me.
Big.
So they come, peach, peach pie.
Yeah, I know.
Jazz said, it was summer peach.
Jazz said that was the one.
It's freshly made.
That's the one.
So they come to me.
They say, thank you so much for the pie, nice gesture, whatever.
And they said, we just want to let you know, some people already in this town
know that
you live here.
The real estate agent squealed and told-
That's some fucking confidentiality.
That's what I said.
But whatever, this guy fucking lives in Mexico now.
So what am I going to do?
So-
The guy that sold you your house moved to Mexico?
Moved to Mexico.
What are you going to do?
People change.
Man, you run in a weird, weird circle.
It's crazy.
But he told me, the police officer, the captain, and the junior guy said, look,
you know, some
people know you live here.
Just want to let you know, you ever see some patrol cars around here?
We got you.
We got you.
It's for us.
We're going to put a little bit extra.
Not that you need it in a town like this.
Nobody really-
Just a couple flybyers.
Nobody really cares.
But just know-
No shit.
It's not, there's nothing going on.
We just want to make sure you feel comfortable.
Great.
Love that.
So then-
Man, you can rock with the Apaches coming by.
Yeah, love it.
And you would love that.
So then, because, and not that I need it.
Not that we need it.
Not that this is a big thing, but I had an altercation.
What?
You know what I mean?
I'm not, I'm not, I'm Chrissy the Pacifist.
I don't want problems.
I want everyone to be happy.
You know?
I don't, I'm like, dude, live your life.
Have fun.
I, one of these big snow days, right?
Big snow day.
I got a, you know, pretty relatively large piece of property.
You can't get out there.
Who's handling that?
So here's the thing.
You can't get out there with a shovel and a bag of ice.
You got it.
You got it.
Salt.
Salt.
Right.
Sorry.
Shovel and bag of salt.
So you can't shovel and a bag of salt.
So I tried to shovel it myself and, you know, even Jazz was like, I appreciate
you, you
know, doing what you can, honey, being a man, but this is, this will take you
six hours.
Okay.
You can't, we're going to have to call in, we're going to have to call in the
troops.
I also love how like a guy can't work for six hours.
Yeah.
Babe, this will take you almost a full day's work.
So.
You know what?
You're right.
You're right.
Can't do it.
We're moving.
Done.
Get the windows, pack them up.
So I call the, uh, my, uh, the landscaper, great guy.
That's usually who handles it.
Right.
And he said, yeah, I could, I could come by.
No problem.
Didn't even hit me that hard.
200 cash.
That's not, I don't, cause he's coming in with the fucking snowmobile.
That ain't the snowmobile, man.
You are a silly kid.
He's coming in with the plow.
With the plow.
You're right.
Snowmobile.
Yeah.
So he's coming in.
You're a Bond villain.
Yeah.
So he's coming in.
And so I said, great, you're booked.
Then my daughter had made friends with a kid in the class, right?
Another girl, right?
You know, we're new to an area, of course, only a couple months into school.
That girl's father, who had come to, we had thrown a party at the house a month
before,
firstly came to my house in flip-flops to a Halloween party.
Okay, fine.
Drank all the beer.
What are you going to do?
My kind of guy.
I got to be honest with you.
So, you know, talking a little bit here and there, nothing crazy, you know,
nice enough
guy, really.
But then this guy calls me.
He goes, listen, you know, do you need your driveway shuffled?
I just got laid off.
I could really use the work.
I said, done, you know, friendly neighbor.
Tell my landscaper.
He's cool with it.
My landscaper had seven other jobs.
He's like, all good.
Well, no problem.
Call this guy.
This is 8.30 in the morning.
Landscaper was going to come at 1 p.m.
You know, we need to bang this out.
8.30 in the morning.
Okay.
Hire the other guy.
Boom, boom, boom.
It's got all taken care of.
I'll, you know, be right there.
1.30 comes around 2 o'clock.
Guy still doesn't show.
I text him.
Hey, man, what's going on?
He goes, oh, I'm a couple of towns away.
I had a couple of houses before you.
I'll be there in an hour.
Okay.
This guy called you.
Right.
2 o'clock, 3 o'clock.
Now it's 4 o'clock.
Sun's going down.
I said, hey, buddy, we're going to get some ice.
Even I know that things could freeze.
Okay.
We're going to be in bad shape.
We're going to be in bad shape.
You're going to have to buzz out the Zamboni on this.
I mean, dude, even my neighbor put his shoes on.
That's how bad it is.
We're jammed up.
So I said, what's going on?
He goes, oh, he goes, sorry, I got one more than I'm on to you.
I said, wow.
What the fuck, man?
Now my blood's boiling, right?
What's he charging?
Because I told the other guy to do it, 200.
He goes, I'll do it, 150.
So I said, all right.
I was going to give him 200 anyway.
You know, just obviously you do the right thing.
Got it there, yeah.
And so.
You're a stand-up guy.
Give me that.
Do the right thing.
And then so now it's 5.30, 6 o'clock.
I text him.
No response.
9 o'clock at night.
He goes, yeah, sorry, didn't get to you.
Well, I'll try you tomorrow.
So now I'm furious, right?
So now I do go out.
Now my McArch neighbor, I texted him about it, going nuts.
He goes, that guy's a fucking asshole.
How does he know him?
Because it's a small town.
They all know each other.
So he goes, I'll come over.
Comes over with his stepson, who's from Ukraine, right?
He's got a stepson from Ukraine.
This guy, it's about three degrees below zero.
This guy's out there in a sweatshirt, no gloves, just fucking shoveling, moving
ice with his
hands, doesn't feel anything, just does it like a psychopath.
It was a summer day for him in Ukraine.
We shovel this whole driveway till about 1.30 in the morning on a school night.
I got to get up and take the kids to school because Jazz is not going to drive
in the snow.
I don't have the snow tires.
That's another eight large.
Yeah.
So, so then the next day, so then you're fucking, ABC, you passed on this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you passed on this.
I swear to God, the whole time I'm thinking, is that in your fucking mind?
Yeah.
Kimmel, come on.
This is gold.
Come on.
So the next day, so the next day I text this guy and I let him have it.
I'm like, you know, dude, like I hired you.
I can't, like, I do this myself.
Like, what the hell?
Is this a text?
This is a text.
Long text.
And he goes, and he goes, yeah, sorry.
He goes, oh, it goes, yeah, I guess you can't shovel your own driveway, Mr. Hotshot.
Don't like that.
Don't love that.
Don't love that.
Is this guy looking for a problem?
Dude, so then I call him.
Then I call him.
Hey, flip flops.
Zip it.
Zip it.
So then I call him.
I go right away on the phone.
You know, you got to hear it because then it's out of text.
He picks up on the first ring.
I'll give him that.
He wasn't a pussy.
Picks up.
Meet you on Front Street.
I said, dude, I don't know where that came from.
I said, any problem.
I said, I've been nothing but nice to you.
Invited you into my home.
You drank all my beer and flip flops.
I said, I said, I've been nothing but nice to you.
I said, I said, this hotshot comment is a preconceived notion on what you think
of my
career might be.
I said, I've never given you any indication or treated you with anything other
than respect.
And I've never put myself in a position where I think I'm better than you
because of the
type of career I have.
I said, all that stuff is in with you.
And it's really not my problem.
It's yours.
I said, and I think if we're going to be neighbors and our kids are going to be
friends, you
need to do some looking within because you got insecurity that ain't about me,
buddy.
It's about you.
And then he was like, he just like waited a moment.
He was like, it just pisses me off that you have a nice house.
It just pissed me off that you got the nice house.
And I'm sitting over here in an apartment with three kids in a two bedroom.
And I said, buddy, I swear to God, I said, I swear to Christ this, I'm not even,
I'm not
even, I'm not even making up the words I said, cause you know, cause in that
moment you want
to be compassionate, but you also want to be crystal clear about boundaries.
That was very good.
I said, I respect you for saying that and noticing that I said, I think you're
doing,
I said, I think your wife and kids really look up to you and probably love you.
And they don't think about these things the way you think about these things.
I said, but again, as a man, that ain't my problem.
That's your problem.
I said, we all got to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.
I'll be at New York comedy club at Stanford, July 23rd, 24th.
That was the exact quote I said.
Want to buy a pillow window.
And, and what he said, and now he said, he just said, uh, I forgot what he said,
but
we are, you know, not best friends.
Smoothed over.
Smoothed over.
I think, I think sometimes tough love, respect.
Yeah.
All that.
Yeah.
That's your, and then, and better friends.
But, but I told him, I told him, listen, I'm going to be honest with you though.
The way that I work though, the way that I have to work is you did that, which,
you know,
kind of crossed me.
I'm not going to, I'll, I'm never going to say yes for you to shovel my
driveway.
Yeah.
You're at an arm's length.
I will never say yes.
So you just got to understand that.
And he said, totally.
Okay.
And then there was another snowstorm about three weeks later.
He was like, can I shovel the driveway?
I said, no, you stick to your word.
I wanted to help him out.
He was like, I, I, in the money.
I said, guy, you know, you, if I really needed money for my family, I'm showing
up at your
house 20 minutes early.
I'm not going to just, I said, you disrespected me.
I can't, I just can't allow it.
I just can't allow it.
But we're friends.
Our daughters are friends.
Things are good.
But that's the only thing that I had so far.
Cause you asked me if any problems with the neighbors, that was the only thing
in the town
where the guy was a little bit like, you know, Hey man, I'm not, you know me, I
don't carry
myself like I think who I am.
That ain't me.
I try to minimize myself.
I heard a lot of your therapy coming through in that.
Big time, dude.
At the end of the day, most people are making red.
Other people are making blue.
You want to have a good relationship?
Make purple.
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?
You want to have a good relationship?

Chris Distefano Confronts His Jealous Neighbor Over Shoveling Snow | Are You Garbage

Some guy came up to me at one of the fairs that we had in my town.
He goes, hey, I know the house you live in.
It's a little weird.
What the fuck?
It's a podcast.
They know that small town.
They know that.
Small town.
They know the comedian lives in there.
Is it?
The comedian.
Yep.
Really?
He goes, that sunroom you got.
I said, yeah.
He goes, I banged a girl on that couch.
He goes, there's a Chinese girl that used to live there.
I said, no.
It's Jewish people.
What was this, the UN of the house?
I said, no.
I said, it's a Jewish guy.
He goes, no, ask.
He had Chinese girls they adopted.
I banged one in the sunroom.
I said, okay.
So I asked my neighbor.
He's over there, no shoes or socks on, lighting fires, putting the garbage out.
Mid-Feb.
Mid-Feb.
I said, can I ask you a question?
I said, the guy.
Is it Chinese?
I said, were there Asian people that lived there?
He goes, yeah, the owner, he adopted a couple of Asian girls.
And then as he's walking in, he goes, one of them was pretty cute.
I said, yeah, I think she got banged in the sunroom.
He goes, that tracks.
And then shut his garage door.
So it's a small town.
Any beefs in the small, not beefs, but any ruffle?
There is, because you're a big personality.
You move in your own.
I know he lives there.
Are you ready for this?
I mind my own business.
Until he don't.
So first of all, first week, cops come up, local village police come up, come
to my house.
Why?
Well, they knock on the door.
Welcome.
Well, first of all, first thing I did, I moved in there August 1st, August 3rd.
Okay.
I went down to the farmer's market that's in my town, got a beautiful peach pie,
dropped
it off at the precinct.
I wanted to let them know, here's my name.
Here's where I live.
I'm a big supporter of the police.
Peach pie on me.
Big.
So they come, peach, peach pie.
Yeah, I know.
Jazz said, it was summer peach.
Jazz said that was the one.
It's freshly made.
That's the one.
So they come to me.
They say, thank you so much for the pie, nice gesture, whatever.
And they said, we just want to let you know, some people already in this town
know that
you live here.
The real estate agent squealed and told-
That's some fucking confidentiality.
That's what I said.
But whatever, this guy fucking lives in Mexico now.
So what am I going to do?
So-
The guy that sold you your house moved to Mexico?
Moved to Mexico.
What are you going to do?
People change.
Man, you run in a weird, weird circle.
It's crazy.
But he told me, the police officer, the captain, and the junior guy said, look,
you know, some
people know you live here.
Just want to let you know, you ever see some patrol cars around here?
We got you.
We got you.
It's for us.
We're going to put a little bit extra.
Not that you need it in a town like this.
Nobody really-
Just a couple flybyers.
Nobody really cares.
But just know-
No shit.
It's not, there's nothing going on.
We just want to make sure you feel comfortable.
Great.
Love that.
So then-
Man, you can rock with the Apaches coming by.
Yeah, love it.
And you would love that.
So then, because, and not that I need it.
Not that we need it.
Not that this is a big thing, but I had an altercation.
What?
You know what I mean?
I'm not, I'm not, I'm Chrissy the Pacifist.
I don't want problems.
I want everyone to be happy.
You know?
I don't, I'm like, dude, live your life.
Have fun.
I, one of these big snow days, right?
Big snow day.
I got a, you know, pretty relatively large piece of property.
You can't get out there.
Who's handling that?
So here's the thing.
You can't get out there with a shovel and a bag of ice.
You got it.
You got it.
Salt.
Salt.
Right.
Sorry.
Shovel and bag of salt.
So you can't shovel and a bag of salt.
So I tried to shovel it myself and, you know, even Jazz was like, I appreciate
you, you
know, doing what you can, honey, being a man, but this is, this will take you
six hours.
Okay.
You can't, we're going to have to call in, we're going to have to call in the
troops.
I also love how like a guy can't work for six hours.
Yeah.
Babe, this will take you almost a full day's work.
So.
You know what?
You're right.
You're right.
Can't do it.
We're moving.
Done.
Get the windows, pack them up.
So I call the, uh, my, uh, the landscaper, great guy.
That's usually who handles it.
Right.
And he said, yeah, I could, I could come by.
No problem.
Didn't even hit me that hard.
200 cash.
That's not, I don't, cause he's coming in with the fucking snowmobile.
That ain't the snowmobile, man.
You are a silly kid.
He's coming in with the plow.
With the plow.
You're right.
Snowmobile.
Yeah.
So he's coming in.
You're a Bond villain.
Yeah.
So he's coming in.
And so I said, great, you're booked.
Then my daughter had made friends with a kid in the class, right?
Another girl, right?
You know, we're new to an area, of course, only a couple months into school.
That girl's father, who had come to, we had thrown a party at the house a month
before,
firstly came to my house in flip-flops to a Halloween party.
Okay, fine.
Drank all the beer.
What are you going to do?
My kind of guy.
I got to be honest with you.
So, you know, talking a little bit here and there, nothing crazy, you know,
nice enough
guy, really.
But then this guy calls me.
He goes, listen, you know, do you need your driveway shuffled?
I just got laid off.
I could really use the work.
I said, done, you know, friendly neighbor.
Tell my landscaper.
He's cool with it.
My landscaper had seven other jobs.
He's like, all good.
Well, no problem.
Call this guy.
This is 8.30 in the morning.
Landscaper was going to come at 1 p.m.
You know, we need to bang this out.
8.30 in the morning.
Okay.
Hire the other guy.
Boom, boom, boom.
It's got all taken care of.
I'll, you know, be right there.
1.30 comes around 2 o'clock.
Guy still doesn't show.
I text him.
Hey, man, what's going on?
He goes, oh, I'm a couple of towns away.
I had a couple of houses before you.
I'll be there in an hour.
Okay.
This guy called you.
Right.
2 o'clock, 3 o'clock.
Now it's 4 o'clock.
Sun's going down.
I said, hey, buddy, we're going to get some ice.
Even I know that things could freeze.
Okay.
We're going to be in bad shape.
We're going to be in bad shape.
You're going to have to buzz out the Zamboni on this.
I mean, dude, even my neighbor put his shoes on.
That's how bad it is.
We're jammed up.
So I said, what's going on?
He goes, oh, he goes, sorry, I got one more than I'm on to you.
I said, wow.
What the fuck, man?
Now my blood's boiling, right?
What's he charging?
Because I told the other guy to do it, 200.
He goes, I'll do it, 150.
So I said, all right.
I was going to give him 200 anyway.
You know, just obviously you do the right thing.
Got it there, yeah.
And so.
You're a stand-up guy.
Give me that.
Do the right thing.
And then so now it's 5.30, 6 o'clock.
I text him.
No response.
9 o'clock at night.
He goes, yeah, sorry, didn't get to you.
Well, I'll try you tomorrow.
So now I'm furious, right?
So now I do go out.
Now my McArch neighbor, I texted him about it, going nuts.
He goes, that guy's a fucking asshole.
How does he know him?
Because it's a small town.
They all know each other.
So he goes, I'll come over.
Comes over with his stepson, who's from Ukraine, right?
He's got a stepson from Ukraine.
This guy, it's about three degrees below zero.
This guy's out there in a sweatshirt, no gloves, just fucking shoveling, moving
ice with his
hands, doesn't feel anything, just does it like a psychopath.
It was a summer day for him in Ukraine.
We shovel this whole driveway till about 1.30 in the morning on a school night.
I got to get up and take the kids to school because Jazz is not going to drive
in the snow.
I don't have the snow tires.
That's another eight large.
Yeah.
So, so then the next day, so then you're fucking, ABC, you passed on this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you passed on this.
I swear to God, the whole time I'm thinking, is that in your fucking mind?
Yeah.
Kimmel, come on.
This is gold.
Come on.
So the next day, so the next day I text this guy and I let him have it.
I'm like, you know, dude, like I hired you.
I can't, like, I do this myself.
Like, what the hell?
Is this a text?
This is a text.
Long text.
And he goes, and he goes, yeah, sorry.
He goes, oh, it goes, yeah, I guess you can't shovel your own driveway, Mr. Hotshot.
Don't like that.
Don't love that.
Don't love that.
Is this guy looking for a problem?
Dude, so then I call him.
Then I call him.
Hey, flip flops.
Zip it.
Zip it.
So then I call him.
I go right away on the phone.
You know, you got to hear it because then it's out of text.
He picks up on the first ring.
I'll give him that.
He wasn't a pussy.
Picks up.
Meet you on Front Street.
I said, dude, I don't know where that came from.
I said, any problem.
I said, I've been nothing but nice to you.
Invited you into my home.
You drank all my beer and flip flops.
I said, I said, I've been nothing but nice to you.
I said, I said, this hotshot comment is a preconceived notion on what you think
of my
career might be.
I said, I've never given you any indication or treated you with anything other
than respect.
And I've never put myself in a position where I think I'm better than you
because of the
type of career I have.
I said, all that stuff is in with you.
And it's really not my problem.
It's yours.
I said, and I think if we're going to be neighbors and our kids are going to be
friends, you
need to do some looking within because you got insecurity that ain't about me,
buddy.
It's about you.
And then he was like, he just like waited a moment.
He was like, it just pisses me off that you have a nice house.
It just pissed me off that you got the nice house.
And I'm sitting over here in an apartment with three kids in a two bedroom.
And I said, buddy, I swear to God, I said, I swear to Christ this, I'm not even,
I'm not
even, I'm not even making up the words I said, cause you know, cause in that
moment you want
to be compassionate, but you also want to be crystal clear about boundaries.
That was very good.
I said, I respect you for saying that and noticing that I said, I think you're
doing,
I said, I think your wife and kids really look up to you and probably love you.
And they don't think about these things the way you think about these things.
I said, but again, as a man, that ain't my problem.
That's your problem.
I said, we all got to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.
I'll be at New York comedy club at Stanford, July 23rd, 24th.
That was the exact quote I said.
Want to buy a pillow window.
And, and what he said, and now he said, he just said, uh, I forgot what he said,
but
we are, you know, not best friends.
Smoothed over.
Smoothed over.
I think, I think sometimes tough love, respect.
Yeah.
All that.
Yeah.
That's your, and then, and better friends.
But, but I told him, I told him, listen, I'm going to be honest with you though.
The way that I work though, the way that I have to work is you did that, which,
you know,
kind of crossed me.
I'm not going to, I'll, I'm never going to say yes for you to shovel my
driveway.
Yeah.
You're at an arm's length.
I will never say yes.
So you just got to understand that.
And he said, totally.
Okay.
And then there was another snowstorm about three weeks later.
He was like, can I shovel the driveway?
I said, no, you stick to your word.
I wanted to help him out.
He was like, I, I, in the money.
I said, guy, you know, you, if I really needed money for my family, I'm showing
up at your
house 20 minutes early.
I'm not going to just, I said, you disrespected me.
I can't, I just can't allow it.
I just can't allow it.
But we're friends.
Our daughters are friends.
Things are good.
But that's the only thing that I had so far.
Cause you asked me if any problems with the neighbors, that was the only thing
in the town
where the guy was a little bit like, you know, Hey man, I'm not, you know me, I
don't carry
myself like I think who I am.
That ain't me.
I try to minimize myself.
I heard a lot of your the