Name: Joe Rogan Experience #2491 - Brian Simpson
Uploaded: 2026-04-29T17:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2491 - Brian Simpson' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joe Rogan Experience #2491 - Brian Simpson' from PowerfulJRE on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-29. Transcript available.

Joe Rogan Experience #2491 - Brian Simpson

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
Do you gotta get new glasses?
No, I just have different pair for different stuff.
Did they get stronger?
No.
No?
I just have a...
Did you always have glasses?
Like, do you have an eyeball issue?
Yeah, I got a stigmatism.
Okay.
But I got one for driving and one for my computer.
I used to have to use reading glasses.
Oh, yeah?
Then I started using red light.
Red light therapy.
And I think that...
The first thing I started doing is taking...
This company, Pure Encapsulation, has this...
It's called macular support.
It's like a combination of nutrients that help your eyeballs.
I don't know how.
But I explained it to Huberman.
He read it off to me and he's like, this makes sense.
But then the big one was red light.
I started using red light therapy.
I don't need glasses anymore.
What?
Yeah, my eyes aren't perfect.
Like, in low light, they're not so good.
Like, in a dark restaurant, I have to use the flashlight on my thing to read a
menu.
But I don't need glasses anymore.
Oh, so I've been wondering that.
Is it that I'm getting older or are they just using darker light in the
restaurants?
They definitely use dark light in restaurants.
I don't...
I mean, young people can still read it.
Like, I've gone to restaurants with my kids and they can read in the dark.
I'm like, you can read that?
I can't read it.
But, like, small print.
Like, on my phone, like, reading an email, I didn't used to be able to read it.
And now I can read it perfectly.
Oh, see, now...
I'm in that age now where I've got to start.
Switching.
Switching glasses.
Different.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Listen, dude, I'm just happy you're alive.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know.
You know, man, I've always...
People don't know what we're talking about.
You had a heart attack.
Yes, I had a heart attack three months ago.
Yeah.
Super Bowl weekend.
Yeah.
In Atlanta.
Yeah.
Out of nowhere.
Well, was it really out of nowhere?
Not really.
You know, like...
It's not like you were a marathon runner.
Right, right.
Exactly.
But I was sitting there, you know, honestly, I was sitting there thinking...
Because I remember the doctor...
Because, you know, we really are...
Like, we've set ourselves up.
We kind of deal with trauma and not...
I mean, you can argue about whether it's healthy or not.
But our first go-to is humor.
Right.
And I remember the doctor getting upset with me.
Like, the surgeon, the lady that was about to...
She was about to put a stent.
So, you know, I'm sitting there and she was like,
Hey, something very serious just happened to you.
You know?
Yeah.
Because I was just talking.
You know, I was...
But it was just how I was just coping.
You know?
Right, right.
She was not happy about it.
Did you tell her that's how I deal with things?
No, I was already all drugged up and shit.
You know?
Because it was one of the things where I think, like, you can't...
They can't put you out completely.
Like, it's not that kind of anesthesia.
Oh, okay.
But I think they need you to be conscious, kind of, in case something goes
wrong.
Right.
But whatever the fuck they put me on, I don't remember any of it.
And you were joking around and she was upset.
Yeah.
What happened was, when I got to the hospital, the doctor that first saw me was
like...
I forget his name.
But he was like, hey, I'm Doug.
And don't worry about anything.
I'm going to be with you the whole time.
You know?
And then maybe 20 minutes later, you know, they wheeling me in.
They drugging me up.
And I'm like, hey, where the fuck is Doug?
You know?
And they're like, who's Doug?
I was like, he promised me that he wasn't going to leave.
And obviously, I was just joking.
I know, like, he was just saying that so I would calm down or whatever.
Right, right.
I don't know why Doug thought he would bring me comfort.
But I fake made a big deal of the fact that I felt abandoned by Doug.
And she didn't think it was funny.
Oh.
But somebody did.
And that's all I needed was to laugh.
I'm like, it's you, bitch.
It's not me.
You're the problem.
You're too serious in here.
Well, why would she need you to be serious if you're getting a stent put in?
Wouldn't that make it work better?
I mean, to be fair, I think my whole life people have said as serious as a
heart attack.
And I feel like if you dedicated your life to that, you're probably a serious
person.
I don't know any other heart surgeons, but I bet they are pretty uptight.
Yeah, they have to be.
It's life or death with every decision that they make, right?
I guess.
They got to get it in on time, right?
Like, if they're going to put a stent in you, if they're going to do something.
Like, if you're one of those people, like you are, that if you didn't address
this, you would have died.
Right.
So, that's one of those things that's time critical.
So, I guess with those people, like, hey, stop fucking around.
Like, in their mind, like, I got to save you.
I got to figure out what has to be done within a certain amount of time and get
you on the road to recovery.
Because if I don't, you're dead.
You know what?
Something else I remember.
And this was just flashbacks.
I only remember, like, these couple seconds.
Is she kept yelling at me because I kept moving my hands.
So, basically, like, I'm laid down like this.
And they want you to keep your hands right by your side.
And I just remember I kept coming to with her being like, hey, keep your hands.
She might have said, keep your fucking hands down.
I don't know, though.
I don't know.
I ain't going to make no accusations.
But she was clearly upset about it.
But I'm like, bitch, I'm on drugs you gave me.
I'm not doing it on purpose.
Apparently, my default response, because they have to put a stent in,
but they go through your groin.
Yikes.
So, you know, so apparently, like, my default response is to protect my dick.
Right.
Like, I'm waking up.
Somebody's fucking around down there.
You know?
It's like, why don't y'all tie me down if it's that important?
Why don't you tie my hands down?
Right.
But maybe they can't.
I don't know.
I don't know what else is going on.
And medical people are real sensitive about criticism.
You know, some of them are really like, we save lives.
How dare you?
And it's like, all right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Some of y'all are still assholes, though.
Well, they don't have the best sense of humor.
They can't.
Like, that's not the way you...
If you want to be a really good doctor, you can't be also a stand-up comedian.
Well, see, the nurses have a sense of humor.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Nurses are fun.
They might as well be different species.
Yeah.
Nurses are fun.
Like, nurses come in.
They joke around with you.
They fuck around.
Like, some of them do, at least.
Yeah.
Some of them kill you.
Let's be honest.
In Atlanta, the nurses were incredibly attractive.
Like, there was hot nurses everywhere.
Damn.
Like, nurses, and it's something about, like, vet techs.
Like, working at the ladies working at the vet hospitals.
Yeah.
It's something about going into that field.
I don't know what it is.
Vet techs, you mean veterinarians?
Yeah, like veterinarians.
Yeah.
But not the doctors.
Right.
Just the nurses.
Just the nurses.
Well, they're people who love animals.
Sweet people.
Oh, yeah.
And money.
They love animals and money.
I, nobody...
Well, the nurses don't usually love money.
If they did, they wouldn't get into that profession.
But the veterinarian hospital certainly loves money.
The administration.
Speaking of which, I can't decide which pisses me off more is, like, when I get
the bill at the human hospital or when...
Because at the vet hospital, I feel like they...
I feel like they're extorting me.
Ooh.
You know?
Like, when I got the bill from this hospital, I was like, God damn.
But I was in there and they were...
Because they didn't walk up to me while, like, before the surgery and go, what's
it going to be?
Right.
But when it's your pet, that's what they do.
Right.
We could do this life-saving thing, which is the best thing to do, but it's way
more money than you have.
Or, you know, you can be a piece of shit pet owner and get the $20 thing.
Yeah.
They're trying to get you to take out a loan, all that.
Just really turn the screws.
That's awful.
Yeah.
I don't know when the last time you had to do some serious shit for your pet.
Pretty recently.
Marshall swallowed a bunch of rocks.
Oh, God damn.
Yeah.
He...
We...
Someone spilled chicken food on the gravel and he ate all the chicken food and
just kept eating and started eating gravel.
Oh, my God.
He's retarded.
He's the sweetest boy.
He's the sweetest, sweetest dog that's ever walked to face the earth, but he is
not clever.
And so we bring him inside.
No one knows.
No one knows anything that happened.
And then he starts throwing up and he's throwing up rocks, like little pebbles.
And then he starts getting diarrhea and he's diarrhea and pebbles.
I'm like, oh, no.
And then we put two and two together.
We figured out what happened.
And so then I had to take him to the vet.
So I took him to the vet and he had to stay there overnight.
And luckily, they didn't have to do surgery.
They pumped it out of it.
They somehow or another got the rocks out of his stomach and they had to keep
scanning it to make sure there's no rocks remaining in there.
And so he passed all the rocks.
He either threw them up or shit them out.
And then within a certain amount of time, I think he was there for...
He was there for at least 24 hours.
But after a certain amount of time, he started eating and then they weren't
worried about him anymore.
That dog fucking eats.
He just...
All he wants to do is eat.
He gets so excited.
Oh, yeah.
All he wants to do is...
It's like, I want every morsel of flavor out this dirt.
It's so crazy.
He kept eating rocks.
I mean, he ate pounds of gravel.
It wasn't like a small amount of gravel.
It was the amount of gravel that was in my living room on the carpet was crazy.
Oh, wow.
Out of throw up and just diarrhea.
It was everywhere.
It was a crime scene.
I bet you he won't do that shit again.
Oh, yeah, he will.
He will.
He'll do it tomorrow.
Dude, that dog doesn't learn shit.
He's the best.
Like, he's a sweet dog.
I love him so much.
I love him so much.
He's just all love.
Every time I see him, he's just wagging his tail.
I get down on the ground with him.
He kisses me.
I hug him.
I rub his belly.
He's the best.
But he is not.
That used to be a wolf.
That's what's so fucked up about human beings.
We took something that's the most clever, most...
They communicate with each other.
They plan traps on animals.
They're so clever.
You can't...
And also, you can't train them.
You know that about wolves?
You can't train them.
That's why you don't see wolves in the fucking circus.
You cannot train.
You could train a bear.
You could train a lion.
You could train a tiger.
Wolves just go, fuck you.
I'm going to do exactly what I want to do.
But not dogs.
Certainly not my dog.
Like, Marshall, he's the sweetest.
Like, he was so easy to train.
See, that's wild.
Because you can train a lion, but you can't train a house cat.
You can't train a...
Well, you could train house cats to do certain things.
Like, some people have trained their house cat to shit in the toilet.
No, Joe, there's a video of, like, I don't want to show you, she's Russian.
She's a Russian lady.
She's, like, the world champion cat training lady.
And she's getting these cats to do a whole bunch of shit.
But every now and then...
They do what they want.
They just do what the fuck they want.
Yeah, that's true.
You can't get them to do it, like, a really good dog will.
Like, a Belgian Malinois that's a soldier.
No, absolutely not.
Just does every task you ask them to.
That's impossible.
Absolutely not.
But with wolves, you can't train them to do anything.
They won't listen.
I didn't know that.
They don't listen to you at all.
I had a friend who had wolves.
He had, like, s