Name: Theo Von Thinks We’re All DOOMED
Uploaded: 2026-03-14T16:00:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Thinks We’re All DOOMED' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von Thinks We’re All DOOMED' from Bad Friends Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-03-14. Transcript available.

- I'll tell you my schedule, yesterday.
- Bring up Wahlberg's schedule
and we'll put his next to it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wake up at 3:30, pray, work out.
- Yeah, his is wake up, go to Wahlburgers.
- 2:30, wake up, prayer time, 2:45.
- I mean, this is insane.
- It's insane.
What is this?
- By the way, can I tell you?
It's real.
- No, it is not.
- My hands to God.
- 2:30 a.m. wake up?
- It's real.
- What?
- I'm telling you.
I had a small role in a movie with him
and I jokingly brought it up
and he was dead serious about it.
I was like, come on, man.
You're not up that early in the morning.
Like, be real, every day.
He's like, every day, brother.
I was like, come on, man.
And he looked, he threw daggers through me.
Like, what are you talking about?
Like you.
- Oh, I think he's confident.
- Oh, no, he's in it.
This is his shit.
- Okay, when he's having his meal three
is when I go to sleep.
- At 8:00 a.m. - That's when I go to sleep.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, when I'm sleeping, that's when I'm gonna think.
Mark Wahlberg's eating his third meal.
- That puts you to sleep.
That's how you count sheep.
- That's how I count sheep, yeah.
Wow.
- I love how at 11:00 a.m.
he has family time, meetings, work calls.
At family time when his kids are at school.
That's the best time.
- Yeah.
This isn't real.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- It's real.
- Meal seven?
- Can you zoom in?
- Meal seven?
- Meal seven.
What is he, a hobbit?
Meal seven.
He's a shark.
- Unbelievable.
- At four, workout two.
He goes to bed at 7:30, dude.
I love that.
- He works out like five times a day.
- I just watched "Hacksaw Ridge" last night.
- Give it to him.
- So good.
- You brought it up twice already.
What's up with the movie?
- He loved the movie.
- It's so good, I've never seen it.
I'm watching a lot of war movies right now,
just in case things get really bad.
- Really?
What's your favorite one so far?
- "Hacksaw"?
1917 was really good.
- "Hamburger Hill" I like.
- Is it good?
- Yeah.
- I like the event, what?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, the event was insane.
- "Armageddon" is one to watch.
- "Armageddon"?
- Just to prep.
- Oh, there you go.
- Yeah, if we wanna go back to where we belong.
- Yeah, "Platoon", let's rank 'em.
"Platoon"?
- Probably one of the best.
- One of the best.
- "Full Metal Jacket", probably.
- First half of the movie.
- I think it's a great movie.
- Okay.
"Letter to Iwo Jima", yeah, that's a good war movie.
- "Band of Brothers".
- "Band of Brothers".
- "Band of Brothers" is the best.
- "Band of Brothers".
- That's a great show.
- "Band of Brothers" is so good, dude.
- Yeah.
- "Marriage" or no?
Ever?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, me too.
- Do you think we can get there though, Bobby?
I mean, look, I just don't wanna talk about this a ton
'cause I'll talk about it a lot on my show.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, let's not talk about it.
- It's just like, you end up becoming this whiny guy
who's like, you know, it's like, you know,
you can figure it out.
But yeah, also, you've just been busy
and yeah, you wanna find somebody
that's a good match.
There's been a couple of good girls
that I could have hitched on to that I let it go.
- Yeah.
- And I didn't, you know, 'cause I was focused on work.
So it's all good.
Yeah, I feel like,
sounds like somebody trying to convince themselves,
but that's okay, we're doing good.
- Well, if you don't--
- It's all good.
- Yeah, it's all good.
If you find a partner when you find a partner,
I tell him that all the time.
He's on the hunt and I'm always like,
"Dude, just let it be, you've done so much."
- That's Rembo, dude.
- Rembo.
That right there is Rembo.
- He's out there, bro.
- The kimchi king, Rembo.
- Oh, dude, he'll hide in your bushes and eat your ass, dude.
That's Rembo, dude.
I only had a little bit.
- It's coming for you.
- Yeah.
- And I appreciate you guys so much, dude.
- I love you, brother.
- I love you too, man.
- It's been a long time.
It's so fun to see you.
And also, how funny that we finally got you on the show.
I know I'm sorry that I haven't been in here before.
- No, don't be sorry.
- It is my fault.
- And I always thought that you did it before.
It's so crazy.
- Well, I've come and done Tiger Belly.
I think the timing was just easier on certain times.
It's like, you know, the past four years I lived in Nashville.
So it's like the timing on when I'm here.
It's just, it's been tough sometimes, but-
- We should go to Nashville for a while.
- Yeah, I wanna, I think.
- It's fun out there.
- Yeah, yeah.
I've never really spent that much.
We did the Ryman together, but-
- That was great.
- That was the last time I was there.
And Carlos, Carlos had himself a little bit of a night.
- Yeah.
- That's when you got-
- Are there a lot of Asians in Nashville?
- Yeah.
- There are some Laotians.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, well, we'll start it.
- I could be Laotian for a weekend.
- And I met a Korean guy the other day named Zach.
And I met a Korean girl named Emily.
- As of right now, Nashville Davidson makes up
approximately 3% Asian population there.
- There you go.
There you go, you'll fit in.
- Okay, 3% is good.
- Not bad.
What is it here in Laotian?
- Bring your Lumina or bring your Lumira.
What is it called?
Lumia, Lumia.
- Yeah, yeah.
Bring your Lumia.
- What's American?
- Yeah, what is it here?
- In LA, I mean.
- 12%?
- Wow.
- Yeah, bro.
- Yeah, don't leave.
This is 1.5 million of you guys.
- In LA alone.
- That's right.
- That's incredible.
- You could throw a chopstick and hit one of them.
- And those don't go far.
That's beautiful.
Ooh, Filipina is the largest group.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we love them.
- The best.
- And Koreans are the third.
- Wow.
- And other notable groups.
Vietnamese, shout out to those guys.
Indian and Japanese is lower because they remain in Japan
because they know that Japan is the best.
- Yeah.
- Hard to beat.
- People love Japan.
I hear about it all the time right now.
- Dude, we're gonna go this year.
- In July, maybe.
Yeah, yeah.
- You should come.
You should come.
Seriously.
- What if we all went to Japan?
- That'd be fun.
- Well, you gotta come this way to go that way.
So you might as well come say hi.
- We made a documentary.
- Oh, I'd love that.
- Yeah, I'd love that too, man.
I'd love to go to Japan.
- Boys in Japan?
- Yeah, yeah.
- The boys go to Japan?
- That'd be fun.
- It'll be our three amigos.
- Yeah.
- I'm D'Artagnan.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
- You should.
- That's me with the sword.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I want to learn how to do that.
- No, come on.
- No, seriously.
- No.
- What, the sacrificing?
- No.
What is it called?
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Yeah, not Harikari.
What is it?
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- Harikari.
- He's killing himself.
- Yeah.
- And there's the Japanese stabbing himself to death.
- Cubs will.
- Go Cubs, go.
- Go Cubs, go.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Did you see a picture of Bobby's mom there as a...
That's Bob's mom.
That was in her acting days.
- I see why Steve moved back.
- Yeah.
- You'd be a Phoenician yourself.
- Oh, I'll have the green curry, you know?
- Yeah.
- We want to thank our guests for coming on the show.
- Do you have fun?
- Dude, I had so much fun, man.
- You're the best.
- Yeah, I think like it's good.
I just like, yeah, sometimes I'll get into spaces
where I isolate and stuff.
So I'm trying to like kind of take a play out of your book,
Bobby, and just like, you know, not do that.
You know, you think sometimes that the getting better
is in the ice.
I just need to wait, you know, and get better, you know?
But sometimes it's like, no, I need to do more stuff.
- Just do it.
- But anyway, yes, I'm sorry.
There's a long answer.
I've said enough.
I had a great time and thank you so much, dude.
And congratulations, dude.
I feel the world feels so lucky
that you guys make this show and your producers too.
This is like people everywhere I go, do you know them?
Do you know bad friends?
Do you know them?
- Same with you, dude.
You know, I think we're all in the same, we're family.
- And you know what the thing about you is, is that I,
I want to say something real, is that there's so much about you
that I relate to.
We're very similar in so many different ways.
And so my heart really goes out to you all the time.
And what are you talking about for what?
- Just same height, same look, same style.
- No, just in terms of.
- Same guy.
- What?
What do you mean my heart goes out to you?
- I love you, I mean.
- Oh yeah, just say that.
My heart goes out to you like I'm like a trapped
on an island or something or fucking, like I'm in ICU.
Sorry, go ahead, I'm messing it up.
Go on.
I'm gonna relax back.
I'm gonna chill out.
What were you saying?
- I love you.
Is that better?
- I love you too.
- Yeah.
There's many things about you that I relate to as well.
- What are you doing?
- Similar, you know?
Feels good.
- That's what I want to say.
- We love you.
- When I look at you, it feels good.
Anyway, say thank you for being a fat, bad friend on that.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
- Thank you for being a bad friend.
- Thank you.