Name: Tim Dillon’s Trashy Long Island Morning Routine
Uploaded: 2026-02-25T20:30:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon’s Trashy Long Island Morning Routine' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon’s Trashy Long Island Morning Routine' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-02-25. Transcript available.

My morning routine was a bacon, egg, and cheese,
two eggs over medium, salt, pepper, ketchup,
bacon, obviously, cheese, American cheese,
on a roll.
Kaiser roll.
Kaiser roll, untoasted, got to be soft,
unless I will complain.
A double tall, nonfat latex and being responsible.
Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And two perkadoodle dinks, perkadoodle do's, perkies,
and about eight Newport cigarettes on the way to work.
That's a good morning.
It's a good breakfast morning.
That makes AM radio all right.
Helps you shit.
You get to the office.
You take a shit for about 30 minutes.
You sit down at your desk for about two minutes.
Everything settles.
You take a 20, 25-minute shit,
and then you come back and start the day.
That's all right, dude.
And there's a lot of people doing that right now.
Shout out to those people.
Shout out to the people taking a 25-minute Percocet shit at work.
Couple of perks and a cup of coffee in the morning.
Ain't too shabby.
I'll tell you that right now.
That first Bernie's in the habit.
It was Newport's?
It was Newport's.
I started, and now I'm like back.
I go on and off the cigs.
It's very hard.
What do you smoke now?
Marlboro Lights every now and then.
It's a gentleman cig.
I started with Marlboro Reds that me and my friend Shea would steal out of his
mother
because they bought by the carton.
Yeah.
We started with Reds.
Then, check this.
For no reason at all, we went to basic unfiltered.
Jesus Christ.
This guy's a madman.
At 13 years old, basic unfiltered just because we were like, fuck it.
Why not?
Because his grandmother had basic unfiltered.
So then we just started having-
It's a bargain.
We used to have to stand outside of like a-
Of course.
Like a deli or something.
Wicky Mark, Lazy Cow, whatever.
And we'd have to go, hey, can you buy us a pack of cigarettes?
And people would, which was nice.
Of course, dude.
That's how you got cigs.
Back then, people would go, hey, man, can you give me a pack of cigarettes?
Back then, now nobody would ever do anything.
That'd be insane.
Back then, people gave me vanilla Dodge, cigs.
So we were basic unfiltered.
Then we said, all right, this is fucking old and stupid.
We went to Marlboro Menthol Lights.
And we chilled with those for a while.
It's like a candy cane.
And then the Newport stayed around for the vast majority of-
And then I switched off the Newports because they were tough.
I went back to Marlboro Rats and then eventually to Marlboro Lights.
There you go.
We did noobs too.
Yeah.
For some reason, you're like 14.
Because they're around.
They're around the people that you-
They had good marketing back in the day too.
They made those beach parties look all right.
They also tell you that it increases your high 15%.
It does have a Newport after.
They tell you, because of the fiberglass, it takes you to the next level.
That's right.
And it does.
It cuts your lungs.
It does.
If you smoke weed, if you're watching this, you're a kid.
If you smoke weed-
It's a family show, Tim.
Smoke a Newport afterwards because it just puts you in that right frame.
Sure.
Of course.
Of course.
That diet's an apple.
Now, when people would buy you cigs, you would stand out there and wait.
And you would like-
You could always tell by the car.
Like, whatever car pulled up.
You're like, this guy is a-
Was there a main guy that you knew?
No.
We would just stand outside.
And it's horribly embarrassing when they say, no.
We're 14 years old.
I know.
It's the worst.
And they're like, no, I can't do that.
And we're like-
You could always tell.
We would all-
If a guy got out and left his car running, you're like, that guy will buy cigs.
It's a good cigar.
For sure.
But he's smoking was a good cigar.
Yes, of course.
And we would give them five bucks.
A pack was probably like $2.75 or three bucks.
Yes.
You can keep the change.
We'll give you five.
You can keep the change.
I'd almost get you a pack.
There's something in it for you.
You wet your beak.
We used to go, hey, go in there.
Get me two vanilla Dutchess and two packs of Newports.
And, you know, thank you so much.
And then if they said yes, we'd be like, fuck yeah.
And then I remember one time, this was great.
This was literally-
We go like this.
We go, hey, because they also had sandwiches.
We go, can you just-
Grab us a sandwich.
Give me a meatball sub, will you?
The guy goes, I'm not getting you a fucking sandwich.
He goes, you can get a fucking-
I'm like, well, you're already in there.
There's no point of both of us being in there.
I'm not getting you a fucking-
Hey, light on the mail, okay?
Couple of sun chips for the gang, too.
So, eventually, you know, he just got us the Sigs.
But, yeah, and then eventually-
Get me a sandwich.
And then eventually, we got the guy in town who didn't care.
Of course.
The guy who just sold you the Sigs.
Oh, yeah, you find that guy, for sure.
You find the guy.
So, day-to-day basis, your mom and dad were taking care of you and stuff like
that.
So, you said your grandmother kind of raised you.
Well, my mother and father were doing what boomers did, which is like, they put
you on
a school bus.
Sure.
They drop you off at a thing.
They go, good luck.
We wish you well.
I was an actor when I was-
They thought I was going to make money as an actor, as a kid.
I was a good-looking little kid, so they were like-
Now, they didn't have the wherewithal to pimp me out.
Yeah.
Like they should have.
You know what I mean?
They tried to play it straight.
They tried to play it straight.
Bad movie.
I should have just seen photos of my ass all over Hollywood, but I was a bad
actor.
Trying to book a role here.
I was a bad actor.
Come on, show a little skin.
I had this voice at seven.
It was horrible.
Anybody got a light?
Yeah.
I was like a cute kid, and I'd walk in, and I would audition for like big
movies, like
Man of the House with Johnny the Taylor Thomas.
They'd be like, all right, so now you're going out with your dad, and he's
divorced, and
you're connecting with him again, but you feel awkward, and I'd get the script,
and I'd
be like, okay, I'd be like, Mom is okay.
I'm okay, too.
And then they would be so horrified, so I didn't book anything for years, but
that's
what my parents thought, their get-out-of-jail-free car.
It was you.
You were their beanie baby.
You were the next beanie baby.
I was the next Hess truck.
Yeah.
What was the grocery store that you went to growing up out there?
Food Town.
Food Town.
Oh, yikes.
Food Town.
Not good.
Food Town.
That ain't good.
Meat Farms out there?
No, I don't think there's a meat farm.
There was either a wall bombs, but growing up, it was Food Town.
That's bad.
Yeah.
Jesus.
Why?
You don't want to get some Briar's Viennetta?
Remember the Briar's Viennetta?
You would slide.
Yeah.
Come on.
That was that.
When that thing hit.
They were marketing exclusively to trash.
Oh, yeah.
Exclusively to trash.
When somebody, every once in a while, somebody would show up for dinner on a
weekday and
that thing would come out of the fucking freezer.
And you would think we were at fucking Le Cirque in the corner.
Yeah.
Sitting next to fucking Madonna.
Yeah.
You hear the crack when you sliced it open.
Very fancy.
The thing about the Briar's Viennetta is basically they were marketing to
people.
They go, you're not going to be able to afford to go anywhere with a V. Vegas,
Venice, nothing.
This is the only V word you'll ever Volvo.
Nothing.
Nothing, yeah.
This is the only word with a V you'll ever say in your life.
Dude, they made the commercial.
There was people smoking in the commercial.
They made it look so classy.
But you know what I used to like?
I used to love a little Jell-O no-bake.
A Jell-O no-bake.
I don't even know what that is.
A no-bake pie.
A no-bake pie.
Yeah.
A Jell-O no-bake pie where you would just kind of whip up a pudding, put
cookies in it,
and then let it sit.
Yeah.
And it was nice.
You know about dirt?
Yeah.
My aunt used to make it every year for like, she still did.
We're all 30.
We're all 30 and out of rehab.
I got the gummy worms.
She's making dirt.
She put gummy worms in it.
Did she do it in like a planner?
Like fancy people would put it.
They'd go to the store, buy like a planner and put it in there.
Yeah, she would try to make it look like real dirt.
It was disgusting.
And I would tell her, I'd go, some people getting out of rehab here for dope.
It's not cute.
It's not cute to eat dirt.
They're eating literal dirt.
They're eating literal dirt.
They're living in flophouses.
They're sucking dick for smack.
I don't think we need-
The dirt's not cutesy anymore.
It's not fun to pretend that we don't have anything.
Hang back with the cookie puss, will you?
Trying to get my head on straight with a couple cigarettes and a stiff drink.
No shit.
Why did we think that was cool dirt, man?
Because we're trash.
I saw it at a birthday party.
It blew my fucking mind.
When I heard out there was gummy worms in there, I fucking called my mom.
Anytime you would see a cake, I remember a friend of mine had a cake with a
wave on it.
Oh, like a wave cake.
Yeah, that wasn't us.
Anytime you saw a cake like that, you're like, these people are living.
The cookie cake.
The cookie cake.
Remember back in the day they got big?
They started- I like it.
It's not enough.
I don't- You know what I mean?
Like, I don't- I don't like anything that's not-
That's the most honest answer I've ever heard.
To me, cookies are not the thing.
They're a thing to enjoy.
It's like an appetizer.
A plate of cookies are like, you're on the dessert line, and you're trying to
just keep
yourself good until you sit down.
Cookies are not- Like, the cookie cake, I'm like, what the fuck is this?
Now, you put ice cream in a- Like, you gotta-
You gotta jazz it up a little bit.
Yeah.
Three layers and up at the Foley house, I'll tell you that.
We were big on the watermelon roll from Friendly's.
That was another one.
That was- That was a treat.
That was sick.
During mortgages, when everything was really hitting the ground quickly, I
would stop at
a Friendly's and do a Jim Dandy at two o'clock in the afternoon.
Just a five-scoop Jim Dandy at two o'clock in the afternoon alone.
What's a Jim Dandy?
It's a five-scoop sundae from Friendly's with any type of ice cream you choose.
It had fudge, strawberry, marshmallow, whipped cream, sprinkles, banana.
It was a fucking Jim- It was fantastic.
Jim Dandy.
Friendly's was all right.
I was a big Fribble man back in the day.
Friendly's was great.
A good Fribble.
They made a good burger, too, back in the day.
A good Fribble.
They made a good burger.
Knew their way around a steak fry.
They were all right.
Yeah, I mean, I'm not throwing a New England clam cheddar out of my mouth if I'm
in Friendly's.
Get a little clam strip in there.
I loved Friendly's.
I loved Friendly's.