Name: I Smoked Grass At My Cousin's Wedding w/ Nick Rochefort | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2026-03-10T20:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Smoked Grass At My Cousin's Wedding w/ Nick Rochefort | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Smoked Grass At My Cousin's Wedding w/ Nick Rochefort | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-03-10. Transcript available.

Have you ever gone to a wedding reception and not the ceremony?
Trash.
Dirtbag move.
That is a dirtbag move.
Dirtbag that that's even open and not the ceremony?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
When you're on the fringes, though.
I don't mind that.
I think it was a different time for that.
No one wants to see you at the ceremony.
You have to.
Unless you're like your cousin or somebody close where you're like,
I really care about this.
Otherwise, just go to the party.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
You two are mixed up.
You ever not give a gift?
Yeah, once.
And then I've been asked about it.
Sorry, Bruce Burrard.
I didn't give you a gift.
That was a real piece of shit.
I went to the mental hospital the week after that.
I was in a really bad place that night.
And then Peter Potakari called me out for smelling like weed at your reception.
I was really embarrassed.
He's like, who's Roachwood?
You smell like a fucking blunt.
That's my new cologne.
Peter Potakari.
Peter Potakari?
Yeah, yeah.
Huh.
Yeah, Ocean State.
Ocean State dumpster.
Fucking asshole right in front of my aunts.
Like real embarrassing.
You know when you're high as a kite and you walk in and you smell like blunt?
And it's like, Roger, you smell like fucking weed.
And I was like, shut the fuck up.
Talk about freaking somebody out.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm there with no gift.
They're going to know.
Yeah, they're going to know.
I don't have a gift for me.
They saw me not walk over to the table.
It's a half a box of cupcakes.
Yeah, I'm there with a girl that's not on the invitation.
Listen, this is what I was trying to say.
That's so funny.
I think for a minute, for you guys, at a certain point, that did become
somewhat fashionable
to just show up to the reception.
I don't know about fashionable, yeah.
But I don't think that's lasted.
I don't think that's a good thing.
No.
I also think it's very trashy where that's kind of, if there's a wedding where
that's kind
of the thing, the ceremony's going to be real small.
It's like a funeral versus a wake.
But we're doing the ramada right after.
Yeah.
That's, there's going to be a fight.
We've glorified the drinking of the wedding.
That's all.
I'm so indoctrined to like, that's the only reason you go to a wedding.
Did you get highly embarrassed?
You ever go to, at your wedding?
Sure.
Okay.
You know, it's like everybody.
Did I black out and call my wife a bitch?
Yeah.
Everybody thinks they're the best.
Right?
Like, you're like, I have a nice family.
I come from a nice family.
My wife comes from a nice family.
And then it's, here come the fucking cousins.
Like the shit you see your cousins do.
All my sheet rock hanging cousins.
You're right, right.
And they're like.
How much do I have?
We went to a bar afterwards.
And we're like, you know, $20 cocktails and shit.
And they were like, what the hell?
$30 for a martini?
I'll be next door.
You know what they're charging in here?
Yeah, yeah.
Loud, right to the bartender.
Yeah.
Mike, my father-in-law brings a box of decent cigars.
My cousin, John John, grabs all of them right out of the box.
Shout out to John John.
Puts them in his pocket and starts handing them out like he bought them.
Classic John John move.
I respect that.
Got you a cigar, kid.
Yeah, you're good shit.
I was like, whoa, bro.
That's a fucking move.
Yeah, he's like a house.
He's like 6'6".
Yeah, I can hear him saying, I got you a cigar.
I'm like, Mike brought the cigars.
Because the dirtbag move, the real dirtbag move is to just take them.
Yes.
The mastermind is to go, I'm going to get good credit from this.
I'm going to look like the big shot who brought the cigar.
Not caring with the guy who bought them.
Yeah.
That was a wild one.
That's a sociopath.
Where'd you get married?
Where did you-
We did a small-
We did City Hall in New York.
Oh, wow.
And then-
Least New Yorkers I've ever seen in my life.
What do you mean?
I just don't-
I don't get that.
First of all, we're not New Yorkers.
I know you're not.
Clearly, you guys strike me as totally-
And then I see you in New York-
What do you want me to be like a slice of pizza or something?
Yeah, no.
We're not from Bensonhurst.
Manhattanite.
It's like, oh, we got married to City Hall.
It's so fucking crazy.
It was for a green car.
Fly out to the Hamptons.
Do you helicopter to the Hamptons?
Nobody goes to the Hamptons.
You're right.
He was uptown on 6th and 9th.
Who gives a shit?
He's not John F. Kennedy Jr.
You're right.
A City Hall-
That's very like-
There was-
My wife is from another country.
It wasn't for the green car,
but that was a part of it.
Your wife is from another country?
Really?
Yeah, my wife's German.
Really?
Who I think is here?
Did I hear my baby crying?
Yes, my wife is.
Oh, no way!
Yeah.
Yay!
That is cool.
Wow, that's so cool is that she's here.
Don't leave.
I want to see the kid.
I heard a baby crying.
I'm like, that could only be mine?
That's so funny.
I didn't hear him.
You didn't hear him either.
I didn't.
Well, that means you're like tapped in.
Wow, you are the father.
It's time for you to babysit.
Why don't we bring the baby out here?
We can babysit while we're doing the podcast?
That's a good accent.
I like that.
That's what we can do is that.
Okay.
All right.
So anyway, that's my thoughts on the wedding.
Yeah, you got to go to the reception.
You have to go to the whole thing.
You got to go to the ceremony.
Yeah.
Listen, I agree.
We do have to be better people in morality.
I mean, what are we doing?
One of my favorite things ever, too, is-
Sorry, real quick.
I'm going to cut you off.
Yeah.
You can just go to the wake, though.
Oh, yeah.
If you go to the wake.
You can just go to the wake.
I think the funeral, to me, was always like closer friends and family.
As I've gotten older, I feel like that's extended a bit, but it's like if you
go to the church
for a funeral, it's-
The funeral, I will say this.
The funeral is nicer.
Yeah.
The funeral, you're going to feel more connected.
And I'm not talking about the funeral at the church or at the, you know,
wherever your
house of worship is or whatever.
At cemetery, you get a cloudy day.
You get a nice crowd.
You get a priest or whoever that can kind of give it a little something for a
couple of
minutes and maybe have little bagpipes or something in the distance.
And you look like you're in the November rain video.
And everyone-
Guns and Roses.
You're dropping the roses on the grave.
Yeah.
I'm shredded to a fucking face melting solo.
Yeah.
You guys look like Boyz II Men in the back.
And we both know hearts can change.
Now, do you guys do the-
No podcast lasts forever.
Hey, don't say that.
Do you guys do the hard drinking after?
No.
Yeah.
Like the hardest.
This is my favorite.
This is one of my most favorite setups and experiences with my family of all
time was
it was my grandmother passed away.
My whole family's from Kensington, Port Richmond.
The rich area.
Kensington.
Beautiful.
Summer there, yeah.
But, um, so everybody-
I've fentanyl there.
That's where I nod off.
Everybody, a lot of our families' funerals, specifically my grandmother and
grandfathers,
are still in that area.
Yes.
Like still in the neighborhood at the churches.
And my aunt and cousins live right across the street.
So that's like set up shop.
Yes.
Because the funeral takes so long because it's, you know, a neighborhood thing
and it's so big.
And so we would go, we'd be going to get beers.
Yes.
In the middle of the thing.
And you're in the back.
You got a heater going.
People are smoking who don't always smoke.
The uncle's coming out like, I haven't smoked in 15.
You give me one of them, kid.
And you're sitting there crushing beers.
It's like 11 a.m.
And you're in the row home in Port Richmond.
I fucking love it.
That is Drinking Hall of Fame.
My favorite aunt, my aunt Corky died.
And my cousin Jay's is my cousin-
Shout out Aunt Corky.
What was Aunt Corky's real name?
Colleen.
That's pretty close though.
Yeah.
Corky ain't Cork.
Hey, ain't Cork.
Yeah, right.
Up in the sky.
Definitely in heaven.
Sitting right next to Jesus himself.
100%.
And everybody loved Cork.
She was fun.
You know, so I was fucked up about it.
We went to the Italian Workman's Club after and got five kinds of annihilated.
Love it.
So this is like a world.
I'm talking like we're sad.
We're hammered.
My cousin's my age.
My cousin Jay.
And we're getting, there's like 15 of us.
We're getting like fucking blotto.
Yeah.
Now his uncle, Eddie, is a small guy who's thin.
A smaller guy.
And he's like, he's like, yeah, they call, he's like, I can kick the ceiling.
You ever meet guys that have physical prowess at like 55 and they're like, they
can do splits?
I want it on record.
You can high kick?
I can high kick, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, I can't hit the ceiling.
But you can have a high kick.
I can get the kick over my head.
Like if I held my hand up high, you could kick it.
I can get your head.
And you might have shown that.
Yeah, you could kick my head.
Yeah.
Awesome.
I want you to kick me in the head.
I do.
Eddie's like, I can jump on top of a cigarette machine.
Now he's saying all these things.
That's crazy.
That's such a dirt bag feeding straight.
And a cigarette machine, not like on the bar, that stool, a high top table.
I can jump on like a cigarette machine is like a little higher than a bar.
I'm like, fuck you.
Now I'm a ball buster.
I'm like, fuck you.
You can't jump.
What about a table?
I don't do tables.
I ain't jump.
That's bush league.
My wife could jump on a table.
What am I, a lady?
The dirt bag Olympics.
So we're having an Olympics kind of thing going on.
I'm like, he's kicking the ceiling and I'm like this.
He's like, that's fast Eddie.
I'm like, nah.
You don't know who that is?
I'm like, I'd fucking smoke you, Eddie.
He's like, fuck you, you fat piece of shit.
You'd never smoke me.
Now I'm at the bar and people kind of hear us like kind of getting loud.
Now he's like an uncle.
He's my cousin's uncle.
So I don't really know him that well, but I'm ribbing him hard.
I'm like this.
I played football.
I don't know.
Wait, your cousin's uncle?
He's like my, on the other side.
That should be your dad.
Oh, okay.
My dad's fast, Eddie.
My dad was so quick.
So he's like, I'd smoke you.
I was like, you'd never smoke me.
He's like this.
He's like, watch out.
And I hear this lady tell me like, watch out.
He was the fastest guy in school.
Should you not?
And I'm like, are you from the past?
Yeah, right, right.
She's kind of like, do you play salt and pepper?
Salt and pepper shakers?
So we go in the park.
This guy thinks it's a game.
Yeah, he's like, I don't even know what the hell that is.
So we're like, I'm like, I'll bet you, I'll tell you what, I'll give you $100
if you can
beat me in a foot race.
And he's like, ah, you're on.
So now everybody dumps out into the parking lot.
You're drunk.
In a suit, in a parking lot, on a 100-yard dash, we pace out a 100-yard dash.
How long ago is this?
I was 26.
Okay.
All right, all right.
You're 26.
I was 27.
How are you size-wise?
I'm 6'3", 258.
And Eddie's small, but he's-
Eddie's 5'7".
Eddie's 5'8", 5'8", 150.
But 55 years old.
He looks like a karate instructor.
Also the name Fast Eddie.
Let's not look past Fast Eddie.
Fast Eddie is risking serious bodily injury.
Yeah, he's 51 at the time.
He's risking a lot of time off of work.
Yep.
Maybe some workman's comp.
Mind you, he's the bar back at the bar we're at.
Fair enough.
Mind you.
So we're like, but I remember I was smoking pot out of a bowl about two hours
before that.
I saw him whack the bowl, so I know he's fucked up.
I'm like, nah, I'm going to get him.
Also, you're not fucked up.
I'm like in prime drinking, so I'm like, nah, I'm going to beat him.
26, that's a big difference.
Also, the drinking hits you.
There's a phase of drinking where you're like, I'm fucked up, and then you're
like, I can
probably fucking do that.
Yeah, yeah.
And then you go, I can't do it again.
But if you get in that phase of-
I was in like the, I can win three pool games.
26, you're superhuman.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, you don't realize it now, but I played football, so I had like a sprinter
stance.
Yeah.
I'm stretching myself out.
And people are like, what's Roach?
Everybody didn't know it.
No one knew I went to-
We didn't talk to each other.
I went away for school, and they were like, I don't know what he's doing out
there in New York.
I went to Wagner College, so they didn't know.
And I'm sprinting, and I beat him.
So we line up.
Mark Kaseko, I beat him.
He says I cheated.
I said to him, I beat him again.
I'm dying, can't breathe.
See, it was 100 yards?
It was 100 yards.
So a football field.
A football field.
We did a full football field.
Fuck that.
I was so happy, because it was pretty close.
It wasn't like an easy win.
I was like full 40.
I remember like every step, like down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down.
Like, don't look up until you're up on the plane.
It looks like you should have been wearing that outfit.
Right.
I was too drunk.
Like, I can only imagine, like, we're walking by this thing.
We go outside.
Fuck you, me, Fast Eddie.
Me and you, outside.
We go inside.
A bunch of Italian kids chasing you.
You beat Fast Eddie?
Cut to 10 years later, my cousin opens a bar.
Fast Eddie's Cocktails and Dreams.
My cousin Jay.
Name's his place, Fast Eddie.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
After Fast Eddie?
After that night.
What the fuck?
I mean, look at that.
I was like, I'm going to change your name, Fast Eddie.
We're going to call you Slow Eddie from now on.
Don't you do that?
He's so pissed off.
Was Eddie alive to see the bar get opened?
That's all he's got.
He's still alive.
Hey, Eddie, just remember, I smoked your ass.
You'll never beat me.
I'll beat you now.
I'll beat you then.
You'll never beat me.
I'm the fastest drunk guy in that parking lot that night.
He's probably in his 70s.
Yeah, good.
I'll beat you then.
I don't care.
I'll kick your wheelchair over.
You're never going to smoke me.
You already won't beat him.
Nah, I want to beat you again.
This time worse.
Rochefort, let it go.
Nah.
The man's dead.
Nah, he was talking too much shit there.
I love how you're trying to talk shit on him and you're clearly just a crazy
person.
Holding a grudge.
Like he's a frail old man now.
Yeah.
I wasn't even there that night.
Who the hell did you be?
I beat a homeless guy.
I reminded my stepdad's wake or funeral afterwards.
We were at a bar, the Buck Hotel.
Shout out to Buck Hotel right off Street Road.
Nice drink.
We were there.
We did the lunch in there and then we're at the bar drinking.
You know, me, a couple cousins, uncle, like really fucking drinking.
Except that was a big drinker.
And he liked the vodka.
So we're doing shots of Absolute.
What?
Every time we're doing one, we're putting, I got friends in low places on the
fucking touch tunes.
Those guys.
Sitting there just fucking crushing it.
I never got to do that.
To Joe.
Shots of vodka.
Absolute.
Absolute.
Warm Absolute.
I never got to do that with any of the deaths.
And I had a good amount.
A pretty good run there.
That where I was able to like.
A good run of people dying around me.
Yeah.
To let it all go and have that night.
Like my dad's, I couldn't.
Because like we, you know, it was like at the house and we had to be somewhat
responsible.
That's what we look.
My family looks for that.
Of like, wait till everyone leaves.
Call me in this soon.
I'll be your date.
I didn't want to end up like Brad Pitt and Snatch crying with, you know, when
they were
like holding him back after his mom died at the wake.
When you're burning your mother's caravan.
You're lighting your aunt's Pontiac Sunfire on fire.
You're throwing a Molotov cocktail into her Cavalier.
That is good.
She's having a better place now.
I got my shirt on.
You're throwing your Pito.
Slow motion.
It's just me attacking the hoagie drink.
It's you on the phone with Subway complaining.
Thank you.

I Smoked Grass At My Cousin's Wedding w/ Nick Rochefort | Are You Garbage

Have you ever gone to a wedding reception and not the ceremony?
Trash.
Dirtbag move.
That is a dirtbag move.
Dirtbag that that's even open and not the ceremony?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
When you're on the fringes, though.
I don't mind that.
I think it was a different time for that.
No one wants to see you at the ceremony.
You have to.
Unless you're like your cousin or somebody close where you're like,
I really care about this.
Otherwise, just go to the party.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
You two are mixed up.
You ever not give a gift?
Yeah, once.
And then I've been asked about it.
Sorry, Bruce Burrard.
I didn't give you a gift.
That was a real piece of shit.
I went to the mental hospital the week after that.
I was in a really bad place that night.
And then Peter Potakari called me out for smelling like weed at your reception.
I was really embarrassed.
He's like, who's Roachwood?
You smell like a fucking blunt.
That's my new cologne.
Peter Potakari.
Peter Potakari?
Yeah, yeah.
Huh.
Yeah, Ocean State.
Ocean State dumpster.
Fucking asshole right in front of my aunts.
Like real embarrassing.
You know when you're high as a kite and you walk in and you smell like blunt?
And it's like, Roger, you smell like fucking weed.
And I was like, shut the fuck up.
Talk about freaking somebody out.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm there with no gift.
They're going to know.
Yeah, they're going to know.
I don't have a gift for me.
They saw me not walk over to the table.
It's a half a box of cupcakes.
Yeah, I'm there with a girl that's not on the invitation.
Listen, this is what I was trying to say.
That's so funny.
I think for a minute, for you guys, at a certain point, that did become
somewhat fashionable
to just show up to the reception.
I don't know about fashionable, yeah.
But I don't think that's lasted.
I don't think that's a good thing.
No.
I also think it's very trashy where that's kind of, if there's a wedding where
that's kind
of the thing, the ceremony's going to be real small.
It's like a funeral versus a wake.
But we're doing the ramada right after.
Yeah.
That's, there's going to be a fight.
We've glorified the drinking of the wedding.
That's all.
I'm so indoctrined to like, that's the only reason you go to a wedding.
Did you get highly embarrassed?
You ever go to, at your wedding?
Sure.
Okay.
You know, it's like everybody.
Did I black out and call my wife a bitch?
Yeah.
Everybody thinks they're the best.
Right?
Like, you're like, I have a nice family.
I come from a nice family.
My wife comes from a nice family.
And then it's, here come the fucking cousins.
Like the shit you see your cousins do.
All my sheet rock hanging cousins.
You're right, right.
And they're like.
How much do I have?
We went to a bar afterwards.
And we're like, you know, $20 cocktails and shit.
And they were like, what the hell?
$30 for a martini?
I'll be next door.
You know what they're charging in here?
Yeah, yeah.
Loud, right to the bartender.
Yeah.
Mike, my father-in-law brings a box of decent cigars.
My cousin, John John, grabs all of them right out of the box.
Shout out to John John.
Puts them in his pocket and starts handing them out like he bought them.
Classic John John move.
I respect that.
Got you a cigar, kid.
Yeah, you're good shit.
I was like, whoa, bro.
That's a fucking move.
Yeah, he's like a house.
He's like 6'6".
Yeah, I can hear him saying, I got you a cigar.
I'm like, Mike brought the cigars.
Because the dirtbag move, the real dirtbag move is to just take them.
Yes.
The mastermind is to go, I'm going to get good credit from this.
I'm going to look like the big shot who brought the cigar.
Not caring with the guy who bought them.
Yeah.
That was a wild one.
That's a sociopath.
Where'd you get married?
Where did you-
We did a small-
We did City Hall in New York.
Oh, wow.
And then-
Least New Yorkers I've ever seen in my life.
What do you mean?
I just don't-
I don't get that.
First of all, we're not New Yorkers.
I know you're not.
Clearly, you guys strike me as totally-
And then I see you in New York-
What do you want me to be like a slice of pizza or something?
Yeah, no.
We're not from Bensonhurst.
Manhattanite.
It's like, oh, we got married to City Hall.
It's so fucking crazy.
It was for a green car.
Fly out to the Hamptons.
Do you helicopter to the Hamptons?
Nobody goes to the Hamptons.
You're right.
He was uptown on 6th and 9th.
Who gives a shit?
He's not John F. Kennedy Jr.
You're right.
A City Hall-
That's very like-
There was-
My wife is from another country.
It wasn't for the green car,
but that was a part of it.
Your wife is from another country?
Really?
Yeah, my wife's German.
Really?
Who I think is here?
Did I hear my baby crying?
Yes, my wife is.
Oh, no way!
Yeah.
Yay!
That is cool.
Wow, that's so cool is that she's here.
Don't leave.
I want to see the kid.
I heard a baby crying.
I'm like, that could only be mine?
That's so funny.
I didn't hear him.
You didn't hear him either.
I didn't.
Well, that means you're like tapped in.
Wow, you are the father.
It's time for you to babysit.
Why don't we bring the baby out here?
We can babysit while we're doing the podcast?
That's a good accent.
I like that.
That's what we can do is that.
Okay.
All right.
So anyway, that's my thoughts on the wedding.
Yeah, you got to go to the reception.
You have to go to the whole thing.
You got to go to the ceremony.
Yeah.
Listen, I agree.
We do have to be better people in morality.
I mean, what are we doing?
One of my favorite things ever, too, is-
Sorry, real quick.
I'm going to cut you off.
Yeah.
You can just go to the wake, though.
Oh, yeah.
If you go to the wake.
You can just go to the wake.
I think the funeral, to me, was always like closer friends and family.
As I've gotten older, I feel like that's extended a bit, but it's like if you
go to the church
for a funeral, it's-
The funeral, I will say this.
The funeral is nicer.
Yeah.
The funeral, you're going to feel more connected.
And I'm not talking about the funeral at the church or at the, you know,
wherever your
house of worship is or whatever.
At cemetery, you get a cloudy day.
You get a nice crowd.
You get a priest or whoever that can kind of give it a little something for a
couple of
minutes and maybe have little bagpipes or something in the distance.
And you look like you're in the November rain video.
And everyone-
Guns and Roses.
You're dropping the roses on the grave.
Yeah.
I'm shredded to a fucking face melting solo.
Yeah.
You guys look like Boyz II Men in the back.
And we both know hearts can change.
Now, do you guys do the-
No podcast lasts forever.
Hey, don't say that.
Do you guys do the hard drinking after?
No.
Yeah.
Like the hardest.
This is my favorite.
This is one of my most favorite setups and experiences with my family of all
time was
it was my grandmother passed away.
My whole family's from Kensington, Port Richmond.
The rich area.
Kensington.
Beautiful.
Summer there, yeah.
But, um, so everybody-
I've fentanyl there.
That's where I nod off.
Everybody, a lot of our families' funerals, specifically my grandmother and
grandfathers,
are still in that area.
Yes.
Like still in the neighborhood at the churches.
And my aunt and cousins live right across the street.
So that's like set up shop.
Yes.
Because the funeral takes so long because it's, you know, a neighborhood thing
and it's so big.
And so we would go, we'd be going to get beers.
Yes.
In the middle of the thing.
And you're in the back.
You got a heater going.
People are smoking who don't always smoke.
The uncle's coming out like, I haven't smoked in 15.
You give me one of them, kid.
And you're sitting there crushing beers.
It's like 11 a.m.
And you're in the row home in Port Richmond.
I fucking love it.
That is Drinking Hall of Fame.
My favorite aunt, my aunt Corky died.
And my cousin Jay's is my cousin-
Shout out Aunt Corky.
What was Aunt Corky's real name?
Colleen.
That's pretty close though.
Yeah.
Corky ain't Cork.
Hey, ain't Cork.
Yeah, right.
Up in the sky.
Definitely in heaven.
Sitting right next to Jesus himself.
100%.
And everybody loved Cork.
She was fun.
You know, so I was fucked up about it.
We went to the Italian Workman's Club after and got five kinds of annihilated.
Love it.
So this is like a world.
I'm talking like we're sad.
We're hammered.
My cousin's my age.
My cousin Jay.
And we're getting, there's like 15 of us.
We're getting like fucking blotto.
Yeah.
Now his uncle, Eddie, is a small guy who's thin.
A smaller guy.
And he's like, he's like, yeah, they call, he's like, I can kick the ceiling.
You ever meet guys that have physical prowess at like 55 and they're like, they
can do splits?
I want it on record.
You can high kick?
I can high kick, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, I can't hit the ceiling.
But you can have a high kick.
I can get the kick over my head.
Like if I held my hand up high, you could kick it.
I can get your head.
And you might have shown that.
Yeah, you could kick my head.
Yeah.
Awesome.
I want you to kick me in the head.
I do.
Eddie's like, I can jump on top of a cigarette machine.
Now he's saying all these things.
That's crazy.
That's such a dirt bag feeding straight.
And a cigarette machine, not like on the bar, that stool, a high top table.
I can jump on like a cigarette machine is like a little higher than a bar.
I'm like, fuck you.
Now I'm a ball buster.
I'm like, fuck you.
You can't jump.
What about a table?
I don't do tables.
I ain't jump.
That's bush league.
My wife could jump on a table.
What am I, a lady?
The dirt bag Olympics.
So we're having an Olympics kind of thing going on.
I'm like, he's kicking the ceiling and I'm like this.
He's like, that's fast Eddie.
I'm like, nah.
You don't know who that is?
I'm like, I'd fucking smoke you, Eddie.
He's like, fuck you, you fat piece of shit.
You'd never smoke me.
Now I'm at the bar and people kind of hear us like kind of getting loud.
Now he's like an uncle.
He's my cousin's uncle.
So I don't really know him that well, but I'm ribbing him hard.
I'm like this.
I played football.
I don't know.
Wait, your cousin's uncle?
He's like my, on the other side.
That should be your dad.
Oh, okay.
My dad's fast, Eddie.
My dad was so quick.
So he's like, I'd smoke you.
I was like, you'd never smoke me.
He's like this.
He's like, watch out.
And I hear this lady tell me like, watch out.
He was the fastest guy in school.
Should you not?
And I'm like, are you from the past?
Yeah, right, right.
She's kind of like, do you play salt and pepper?
Salt and pepper shakers?
So we go in the park.
This guy thinks it's a game.
Yeah, he's like, I don't even know what the hell that is.
So we're like, I'm like, I'll bet you, I'll tell you what, I'll give you $100
if you can
beat me in a foot race.
And he's like, ah, you're on.
So now everybody dumps out into the parking lot.
You're drunk.
In a suit, in a parking lot, on a 100-yard dash, we pace out a 100-yard dash.
How long ago is this?
I was 26.
Okay.
All right, all right.
You're 26.
I was 27.
How are you size-wise?
I'm 6'3", 258.
And Eddie's small, but he's-
Eddie's 5'7".
Eddie's 5'8", 5'8", 150.
But 55 years old.
He looks like a karate instructor.
Also the name Fast Eddie.
Let's not look past Fast Eddie.
Fast Eddie is risking serious bodily injury.
Yeah, he's 51 at the time.
He's risking a lot of time off of work.
Yep.
Maybe some workman's comp.
Mind you, he's the bar back at the bar we're at.
Fair enough.
Mind you.
So we're like, but I remember I was smoking pot out of a bowl about two hours
before that.
I saw him whack the bowl, so I know he's fucked up.
I'm like, nah, I'm going to get him.
Also, you're not fucked up.
I'm like in prime drinking, so I'm like, nah, I'm going to beat him.
26, that's a big difference.
Also, the drinking hits you.
There's a phase of drinking where you're like, I'm fucked up, and then you're
like, I can
probably fucking do that.
Yeah, yeah.
And then you go, I can't do it again.
But if you get in that phase of-
I was in like the, I can win three pool games.
26, you're superh