Name: It's Too Easy to Steal from Self-Checkout w/ Matt McCusker
Uploaded: 2026-04-05T19:30:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'It's Too Easy to Steal from Self-Checkout w/ Matt McCusker' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'It's Too Easy to Steal from Self-Checkout w/ Matt McCusker' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-05. Transcript available.

are you stealing anything no i've completely retired yeah the self checkouts
came out and i
went like ham on those things when they first came out like didn't pay for meat
for a while
i love how you have like sections where like i'm not paying for meat well it's
the easiest it's
the most that's bagged expensive yeah it's bagged for buck and then i just got
to the point where
like the podcast was like doing well too and i just for some reason was like i
have to steal
from these self checkouts allegedly i'm obviously kidding but like this is all
for comedy purposes
it's all for comedy but yeah i got to this point one day where i was like dude
this is such an
like like the stress with of it and the adrenaline you know and i might or may
not got kind of stopped
and almost caught at a walmart one time so i was like yeah i was like hang it
up yeah that's the my
biggest fear is getting caught oh i did i you got caught i mean i had a giant i
had like five bags
and my receipt was like that big and i i just checked on the walk out dude you
and the thing
at walmart was like the person checking those receipts is so mentally checked
out because i kind
of clocked that early on i was like they're not looking for this so the i just
got greedier and
greedier i would do like full duvet like bedspread shit and uh the one day
there's this lady there
the one time who just was like hold on a second and i was like what really but
then luckily with
those things is like and i would argue this in court it's like i haven't been
trained to operate
this piece of machinery so it's like never thought of that oh that was that
that was my fallback i was
like you're assuming i know how to work this whoa you're not paying me i don't
know i wasn't trained
i wasn't briefed like i made a mistake that's fucking that's that was what i
had going damn that's
really good i've never of like i i didn't i does it beep does it not beep i'm i'm
trying to do the
job i have to say is how do you know i know how to i don't know how to fucking
use that thing
wow and you did haven't technically left the store if they stop you so you
haven't stolen anything
so you just go and i just went like wait what and lady was like and she went
through line this
wasn't on this wasn't on i was just went what the hell that's crazy and then we
rang it all up and i
was like this is freaking me out right now guys i'm real scared right now so
that was always in my
head i was like they they can't legally assume that you know how to operate
their equipment and
basically do a job that's fucking no wow that's really i don't know if i can
continue the pot that
just i didn't take a nap that just changed my perspective on life wow yeah i
could see you in
there in your tuxedo in court hey making no cufflinks your honor i was not
trained on this equipment i
don't work for the walmart corporation nor does every american out there
working hard to feed their
family mr mccustody you are absolutely right case dismissed
and i'm nominating you for ma'am but that was i just got to a point where i'm
like why am i this is
ridiculous and then i had to like no more ever ever sure i go on the thing of
like uh i want to do it
and then i'm afraid if i get caught how embarrassing it would be also just
being like a quasi public figure
but then i go it's like but then i go it's so on brand if i get arrested
fucking at acme for stealing fucking pork roll like it would only help the
podcast
stuck yeah and i there's there's also like a weird social game about it where
it's kind of like how
much are people paying attention you almost feel like it was like a game too
where you're kind of
like are people really looking and like how much it was it was just kind of fun
it was like a weird
some of our boys that do very well they do it just for like to like get back at
the you know
norman they don't yeah he's very public about stealing from every hudson news
he goes well the
problem is is yeah those things are like insane you can literally take anything
the airport it's like
steal a plane okay there's times at the airport where i've done it just out of
convenience to where
it's not working and they're no and i'm like you know what man i'm not waiting
this is ridiculous
but the uh the problem is is what i've heard is now with the camera they can
track you over time
with the facial recognition what wait till you tally up over a thousand dollars
in theft
larceny at the airport or anywhere not anywhere that's i've heard i don't know
you know anyone
that's happening but i've heard in the long game i've heard that's what they do
to people now where
they just track you and then once you hit that thousand dollar mark they all
right here's a felony
huh so if you don't have the item on you but you're on camera i guess sounds
like a case for matt
it does i know i i i think you could argue that for sure for sure that's what i've
heard talking
about i don't know your computer i don't know your computers work that's ai
yeah i wasn't even here
that day uh sure that is a deep fake um what do you what's what's being cooked
at the house who's
doing the cooking you or the missus we go we go back and forth go back and we
had a thing where
we were getting meals for a while okay yeah so what we had when we had someone
come they'll cook meals
sometimes so oh really yeah we're high on the hog right now i like it yeah i've
done that to try to
you know it gets on the day meal prep yeah yeah and i like to cook but it is
nice to have not have to do
it every single day so that was the one that was the i'm a big get my time back
kind of guy with
money purchases so did you guys buy a house down here or you just bought we
bought a house you bought a
house who's cutting the grass uh i had the whole mower set up for a while and
then i did it like twice
and called a long time right it wasn't it's it's such a small lawn it was a ryobi
fucking push mower
i did it twice plug in battery battery battery i had push battery i had weed whacker
but i have a
whole battery powered ryobi set yeah lower uh fucking pull saw i i have the
whole whole saw yeah i don't
know why i forget what i even had i think i had it in philly actually because
our neighbor's trees were
coming over to our thing and i would stand over and man drop their branches off
so and i just wanted
to use it throw it in there yeah it was always beef no shit then he got to then
he got so we have a
long guy we don't we don't i don't do any you know no our backyard's too small
but if we get a house
i would probably i would get a pool for sure especially here you can use it
like yeah seven eight
months out of the year yeah um you showed up with your fancy your hoity-toity
water which i respect
if we went to your house and we asked for water is that you had does that from
home or did you stop
and get that i have these at my house i get cases off of uh uber eats so i get
cases of this from
sprouts i offer when people people seem almost like oh they get like flustered
almost sometimes or
they're like i don't it's a big obligation you drink that yeah true true true
so that's what now i've
started to like fill people up a glass from the fridge because this is it's i
don't know maybe it
represents too much or it is a big obligation a liter of water i drink like six
of these a day
no shit yeah i crush water that's pretty good my bad dude yeah sorry bro
i feel bad i got a gatorade no hey man do your thing
okay that's fucking great i don't know you roll like that sorry so i don't know
i was bragging about
how much water i drink i just i do love drinking water though i drink all day
uh what's a mccusker
family vacation look like uh so we'll we'll either so on spring break we're
actually going back to
philly so we either will like visit family okay or if i have a say it's we'll
go to the beach somewhere
so like we went to mexico we'll go we went to uh mexico was nice i might i
might buy some trips now
while they're cheap oh because buy some port of it yeah just get them for like
2027 now just book up
buy low sell high dog let's go hope the smoke's cleared by then
if not i'll just go myself but the uh we have the kids standing around a
burning tire
get your scores out but yeah i i'll i push for the beach pretty much that's
like my favorite thing to
do okay so we'll do like uh where do we go that we did a house i did a show at
atlantic city last
summer and i just like took the money and got a house and bringing team for
like a week that's nice it
was really it was awesome yeah uh when you fly get into this um you're flying
up front i assume
when you fly for work obviously yeah i take your shoes off on the plane no no
no i don't know i mean
i'm not having anything against it i just don't i don't understand like why
well you bring food on
the plane with you oh yeah what are we talking about uh i did it this weekend i'll
bring like
grilled chicken in a plastic bag kevin just munch that out that's pretty crazy
grilled chicken plastic bag there's going to be an initial pop of odor when
that comes out of that
bag heavily seasoned too yeah i'm talking montreal chicken season really yeah
you'll pop that out
yeah are you eating just like i'll just pick it out pick the pieces out and eat
them and you're
talking breast or a little chicken back like the breasts oh it'll be like
chicken breasts or thighs
and i'll just i'll bring a big bag of doing chicken thighs thighs as much well
the boneless skinless
oh okay so yeah not skin and bone would be crazy that's fucking diabolical dude
but yeah just open
the bags the food fucking sucks on the plane sure i argue with my wife about
all the time she's like
well i'm gonna order something i'm like it's fucking sucks it gives you a
stomachache every time
and then i'll bring out my plastic bag of chicken she's like you are a piece of
shit yeah she gets
she gets like deeply embarrassed i love chicken thighs are probably my favorite
but only with the bone on
i can't do the without the skinless no it's too weird yeah i i hear you then
the bone the skin
and bone are delicious but the boneless skinless man they cook in two seconds
they're so easy to cook
they're delicious you don't want a pan air fryer oven what are you doing
everything i'll grill them
oven air fryer you can do whatever you're really selling us on consuming water
and boneless skinless
chicken but dude you said it and forget it it's right after two minutes there's
no bone you can
eat on an airplane that's how easy it is yeah i do a bag of chicken on the
airplane that's pretty nuts
you dropped just i'm sorry i've said this with stavi i find it insane to have
your food x-rayed be
and then eat it like just eat it before you get no i bring like enough for like
a day and a half
so i pack i like refrigerate it and throw like the refrigerator thing put on a
plastic bag put it
on my suitcase and it's just like it travels on there and then i just kind of
is it in a refrigerated
bag or no no it's in a plastic bag with an ice pack and then in your school bag
or whatever yeah
it's like above my suitcase gotcha and then i'll just bring that on the plane
throw it in the hotel
once i get there and try to have at least because i only go away for two days
you bring an ice pack
on a plane yeah i brought one i brought one this i brought two this week it was
frozen so i don't
think it registered as liquid uh so that's what it was just it was just a
problem you got a liquid
ass it was solid state so i could argue the solid state as they try to get me
with it argue with it
your honor need i explain solids to you um so this isn't just for the plane
this is because
you have a specific diet exactly right yeah i don't i don't like when i'm
traveling i try to
like not eat out the whole time especially if i start ordering off uber eats it's
just the wheels
come off so fast it's hard it would be something like that what would be what
would be cutting loose
for you for me yeah yeah it's just pizza honestly pizza gluten-free obviously
but yeah gluten-free
pizza really yeah damn even your wheels are even when your wheels are off we're
trying to get him on
that's just burgers i do burgers and pizza when i'm flying it's just burgers
and pizza pretty much
or if i'm trying a lot of places now have like a bun but i'll let if i have to
i mean if i if the
places that are like you can have a lettuce wrap i'm like dude i'm just gonna
go somewhere else like
you don't dig the lettuce wrap not really like i've eaten them before but it's
like
i'd rather a gluten-free bun yeah or just give me the patty

It's Too Easy to Steal from Self-Checkout w/ Matt McCusker

are you stealing anything no i've completely retired yeah the self checkouts
came out and i
went like ham on those things when they first came out like didn't pay for meat
for a while
i love how you have like sections where like i'm not paying for meat well it's
the easiest it's
the most that's bagged expensive yeah it's bagged for buck and then i just got
to the point where
like the podcast was like doing well too and i just for some reason was like i
have to steal
from these self checkouts allegedly i'm obviously kidding but like this is all
for comedy purposes
it's all for comedy but yeah i got to this point one day where i was like dude
this is such an
like like the stress with of it and the adrenaline you know and i might or may
not got kind of stopped
and almost caught at a walmart one time so i was like yeah i was like hang it
up yeah that's the my
biggest fear is getting caught oh i did i you got caught i mean i had a giant i
had like five bags
and my receipt was like that big and i i just checked on the walk out dude you
and the thing
at walmart was like the person checking those receipts is so mentally checked
out because i kind
of clocked that early on i was like they're not looking for this so the i just
got greedier and
greedier i would do like full duvet like bedspread shit and uh the one day
there's this lady there
the one time who just was like hold on a second and i was like what really but
then luckily with
those things is like and i would argue this in court it's like i haven't been
trained to operate
this piece of machinery so it's like never thought of that oh that was that
that was my fallback i was
like you're assuming i know how to work this whoa you're not paying me i don't
know i wasn't trained
i wasn't briefed like i made a mistake that's fucking that's that was what i
had going damn that's
really good i've never of like i i didn't i does it beep does it not beep i'm i'm
trying to do the
job i have to say is how do you know i know how to i don't know how to fucking
use that thing
wow and you did haven't technically left the store if they stop you so you
haven't stolen anything
so you just go and i just went like wait what and lady was like and she went
through line this
wasn't on this wasn't on i was just went what the hell that's crazy and then we
rang it all up and i
was like this is freaking me out right now guys i'm real scared right now so
that was always in my
head i was like they they can't legally assume that you know how to operate
their equipment and
basically do a job that's fucking no wow that's really i don't know if i can
continue the pot that
just i didn't take a nap that just changed my perspective on life wow yeah i
could see you in
there in your tuxedo in court hey making no cufflinks your honor i was not
trained on this equipment i
don't work for the walmart corporation nor does every american out there
working hard to feed their
family mr mccustody you are absolutely right case dismissed
and i'm nominating you for ma'am but that was i just got to a point where i'm
like why am i this is
ridiculous and then i had to like no more ever ever sure i go on the thing of
like uh i want to do it
and then i'm afraid if i get caught how embarrassing it would be also just
being like a quasi public figure
but then i go it's like but then i go it's so on brand if i get arrested
fucking at acme for stealing fucking pork roll like it would only help the
podcast
stuck yeah and i there's there's also like a weird social game about it where
it's kind of like how
much are people paying attention you almost feel like it was like a game too
where you're kind of
like are people really looking and like how much it was it was just kind of fun
it was like a weird
some of our boys that do very well they do it just for like to like get back at
the you know
norman they don't yeah he's very public about stealing from every hudson news
he goes well the
problem is is yeah those things are like insane you can literally take anything
the airport it's like
steal a plane okay there's times at the airport where i've done it just out of
convenience to where
it's not working and they're no and i'm like you know what man i'm not waiting
this is ridiculous
but the uh the problem is is what i've heard is now with the camera they can
track you over time
with the facial recognition what wait till you tally up over a thousand dollars
in theft
larceny at the airport or anywhere not anywhere that's i've heard i don't know
you know anyone
that's happening but i've heard in the long game i've heard that's what they do
to people now where
they just track you and then once you hit that thousand dollar mark they all
right here's a felony
huh so if you don't have the item on you but you're on camera i guess sounds
like a case for matt
it does i know i i i think you could argue that for sure for sure that's what i've
heard talking
about i don't know your computer i don't know your computers work that's ai
yeah i wasn't even here
that day uh sure that is a deep fake um what do you what's what's being cooked
at the house who's
doing the cooking you or the missus we go we go back and forth go back and we
had a thing where
we were getting meals for a while okay yeah so what we had when we had someone
come they'll cook meals
sometimes so oh really yeah we're high on the hog right now i like it yeah i've
done that to try to
you know it gets on the day meal prep yeah yeah and i like to cook but it is
nice to have not have to do
it every single day so that was the one that was the i'm a big get my time back
kind of guy with
money purchases so did you guys buy a house down here or you just bought we
bought a house you bought a
house who's cutting the grass uh i had the whole mower set up for a while and
then i did it like twice
and called a long time right it wasn't it's it's such a small lawn it was a ryobi
fucking push mower
i did it twice plug in battery battery battery i had push battery i had weed whacker
but i have a
whole battery powered ryobi set yeah lower uh fucking pull saw i i have the
whole whole saw yeah i don't
know why i forget what i even had i think i had it in philly actually because
our neighbor's trees were
coming over to our thing and i would stand over and man drop their branches off
so and i just wanted
to use it throw it in there yeah it was always beef no shit then he got to then
he got so we have a
long guy we don't we don't i don't do any you know no our backyard's too small
but if we get a house
i would probably i would get a pool for sure especially here you can use it
like yeah seven eight
months out of the year yeah um you showed up with your fancy your hoity-toity
water which i respect
if we went to your house and we asked for water is that you had does that from
home or did you stop
and get that i have these at my house i get cases off of uh uber eats so i get
cases of this from
sprouts i offer when people people seem almost like oh they get like flustered
almost sometimes or
they're like i don't it's a big obligation you drink that yeah true true true
so that's what now i've
started to like fill people up a glass from the fridge because this is it's i
don't know maybe it
represents too much or it is a big obligation a liter of water i drink like six
of these a day
no shit yeah i crush water that's pretty good my bad dude yeah sorry bro
i feel bad i got a gatorade no hey man do your thing
okay that's fucking great i don't know you roll like that sorry so i don't know
i was bragging about
how much water i drink i just i do love drinking water though i drink all day
uh what's a mccusker
family vacation look like uh so we'll we'll either so on spring break we're
actually going back to
philly so we either will like visit family okay or if i have a say it's we'll
go to the beach somewhere
so like we went to mexico we'll go we went to uh mexico was nice i might i
might buy some trips now
while they're cheap oh because buy some port of it yeah just get them for like
2027 now just book up
buy low sell high dog let's go hope the smoke's cleared by then
if not i'll just go myself but the uh we have the kids standing around a
burning tire
get your scores out but yeah i i'll i push for the beach pretty much that's
like my favorite thing to
do okay so we'll do like uh where do we go that we did a house i did a show at
atlantic city last
summer and i just like took the money and got a house and bringing team for
like a week that's nice it
was really it was awesome yeah uh when you fly get into this um you're flying
up front i assume
when you fly for work obviously yeah i take your shoes off on the plane no no
no i don't know i mean
i'm not having anything against it i just don't i don't understand like why
well you bring food on
the plane with you oh yeah what are we talking about uh i did it this weekend i'll
bring like
grilled chicken in a plastic bag kevin just munch that out that's pretty crazy
grilled chicken plastic bag there's going to be an initial pop of odor when
that comes out of that
bag heavily seasoned too yeah i'm talking montreal chicken season really yeah
you'll pop that out
yeah are you eating just like i'll just pick it out pick the pieces out and eat
them and you're
talking breast or a little chicken back like the breasts oh it'll be like
chicken breasts or thighs
and i'll just i'll bring a big bag of doing chicken thighs thighs as much well
the boneless skinless
oh okay so yeah not skin and bone would be crazy that's fucking diabolical dude
but yeah just open
the bags the food fucking sucks on the plane sure i argue with my wife about
all the time she's like
well i'm gonna order something i'm like it's fucking sucks it gives you a
stomachache every time
and then i'll bring out my plastic bag of chicken she's like you are a piece of
shit yeah she gets
she gets like deeply embarrassed i love chicken thighs are probably my favorite
but only with the bone on
i can't do the without the skinless no it's too weird yeah i i hear you then
the bone the skin
and bone are delicious but the boneless skinless man they cook in two seconds
they're so easy to cook
they're delicious you don't want a pan air fryer oven what are you doing
everything i'll grill them
oven air fryer you can do whatever you're really selling us on consuming water
and boneless skinless
chicken but dude you said it and forget it it's right after two minutes there's
no bone you can
eat on an airplane that's how easy it is yeah i do a bag of chicken on the
airplane that's pretty nuts
you dropped just i'm sorry i've said this with stavi i find it insane to have
your food x-rayed be
and then eat it like just eat it before you get no i bring like enough for like
a day and a half
so i pack i like refrigerate it and throw like the refrigerator thing put on a
plastic bag put it
on my suitcase and it's just like it travels on there and then i just kind of
is it in a refrigerated
bag or no no it's in a plastic bag with an ice pack and then in your school bag
or whatever yeah
it's like above my suitcase gotcha and then i'll just bring that on the plane
throw it in the hotel
once i get there and try to have at least because i only go away for two days
you bring an ice pack
on a plane yeah i brought one i brought one this i brought two this week it was
frozen so i don't
think it registered as liquid uh so that's what it was just it was just a
problem you got a liquid
ass it was solid state so i could argue the solid state as they try to get me
with it argue with it
your honor need i explain solids to you um so this isn't just for the plane
this is because
you have a specific diet exactly right yeah i don't i don't like when i'm
traveling i try to
like not eat out the whole time especially if i start ordering off uber eats it's
just the wheels
come off so fast it's hard it would be something like that what would be what
would be cutting loose
for you for me yeah yeah it's just pizza honestly pizza glut