Name: Andrew Santino's Entire Life Story in Less Than 10 Minutes
Uploaded: 2026-04-06T18:45:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino's Entire Life Story in Less Than 10 Minutes' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Santino's Entire Life Story in Less Than 10 Minutes' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-06. Transcript available.

give us a scoop what's the backstory on andrew santino where'd you chicago kid
chicago what's
the easiest way to say all of this condensed into one my uh my dad was a
cocaine addict that went
to prison okay my parents got divorced before i was one my mom raised me until
she met my stepdad
when we were maybe i was six just you no brothers no sisters they had a kid
together okay they have
my sister okay okay half half half steps yeah correct and then um uh then i've
got my dad has
you know i don't know nine or nine to twelve kids somewhere floating around
really i mean we have no
idea yeah there's like five that i think i know of jesus uh and then talk to
your dad at all sometimes
me too i like that kind of relationship now but he's a clean he's clean now he
got his life together
but we've gone in two separate you know that song cats in the cradle of course
that's about my whole
life where it's like now he wants to come back in and i'm like hey i got it uh
i'm already my own guy
yeah so we you got a couple of bucks on you yeah i don't want him to take it in
that's when they come
sniffing back around yeah like a dog where were you at when i was an open miker
yeah the commas go in
the bank account i always loved you son yeah you know i was always your dad dad
i knew you had it in
yeah get over here artie my name's andrew yeah whatever so he so yeah we so my
mom remarried
my stepdad uh what'd he do phenomenal dude phenomenal he's a great guy he's my
dad he's
what he raised me he's the one that like taught you to fight throw a football
you know like chicago
stuff yeah those two things that's all he taught me so you had to do shots of
whiskey and knock out
a bartender yeah you smash a bottle over somebody's head yeah you they talk
back you
fucking crack talk back you get cracked and then we moved from the city of the
suburbs and then i
went to high school in the suburbs junior high and high school in the suburbs
nice nice area real nice
what did he do for a living again he was my stepdad was the uh my stepdad was
the vice president of
sales for turtle wax baby whoa how specific but but turtle wax let's we all
want to say this about
fuck fuck turtle wax they fired my dad after like 30 some odd years of work out
of nowhere just
kicked him to the curb severance package i mean bare i mean barely what they
gave him a couple
of cases of radix yeah it was yeah hey we've been bought and you're gone they
got it they gave him
those armor all wipes told me to fucking kick rocks no he so you're showered
with those things
fuck turtle wax forever i've said that on every podcast and they uh they
deserve it because they
fire they fire my dad out of nowhere they i think the company got taken over by
the kids
the kids of the you know how that always goes and they fuck it up inevitably
always sure and so
they and fuck them too because who's out there on a saturday using that
bullshit take it to the
fucking take it to the car wash get employ america let's go so he so yeah he
got kicked out of that
we and then i left chicago or i left the midwest when i was 18 to go to arizona
state university
nice i'm a scholar maybe the trashiest college of all the number one party
school we fight for that
title like it's a proud thing yeah number one party school but now this is what
the saddest part about asu
people now it's actually got a little bit of rep like their business school is
actually ranked okay
in the nation and so now they'll do that thing where they're like you know we've
got blah blah blah
and they'll do that thing that i just did but inside you're like no it's like
where girls going
wild started yeah it's where uh the dean is john taffer yeah but shut it down
the dorms got the the
frats got kicked out that's the best because the year that i was a sophomore
maybe there was a porn
called shane's world you can google this really shane's world did a porn live
on campus and a guy
was wearing whatever sigma asu shirt and from that point forward they banned it
so in my generation
frats got leveled frat road disappeared because there was a car the president
at the time guy named
michael crow had big nazi real real nazi he kicked out all the frats he said he
didn't want the kind
of lifestyle to continue on the campus that's what happened to jenny so the
guys that were actually in
the porno were actual college guys yeah yeah they were actually like i'm misquoting
what frat because
i don't sure yeah but they were in the porn actual frat dudes and it went viral
i mean it went nuts
this shane's world you can look it up shane's world take a look at this and it
got and it got
it got clipped and so then that was the beginning of the end they had already
had all the frats had
violations and all this shit but frat row was this this like it was like two
cul-de-sacs
on campus but right off to the side and it was like a little it was disneyland
for douchebags
it was incredible and so then they he decided one day that it was over so then
they leveled it so
my generation was the last one to have it to have it i wasn't in a frat but it
was wild to watch this
all go down yeah that's like you can crazy it was watch it was like 9 11 it was
watching the towers
go away i remembered i was at the cafeteria when i heard the news i watched
them take the sex swing
out it was brutal that's what were you a big student and yeah actually in high
school i was not
because i was you know us you know our of course i was a distraction to other
students hyperactive
rude talk talk back talking you know you get those you get those lists that
they send home and so in
high school i was like a c student okay and then in college i graduated with
honors whoa because i went to
school i i went for journal journalism and english like i want i knew i wanted
to be something i knew
i wanted to learn entertainment and learn about all this so the so school was
easy because it was
shit i liked for the first time in my life i was like this is fun i get to fuck
around and learn
editing and video and broadcasting i i was enjoying it high school was shit
because i didn't want to
fucking learn any of that stuff i hated all that was it a nice high school nice
area yeah it was really
nice a little bit of cash a little bit of cash any sports basketball till i
found drugs my kind of guy
then i did drugs i dropped out i quit basketball senior year my coach
approached me one time and
was like you throwing away your life your whole life for partying and i was
like i would you i could
make juco at best yeah and i'd bench i'd be benched at juco i had i didn't have
enough skills to do
anything so sports to me was like this is good for health sure i'm not gonna
fucking do anything
with these this is it was miserable i was like why am i ways i wanted to try i
thought you could go all
the way though he thought i was he thought that he's that's the back in our
generation coach i don't
know if they still are around but it's like this is the only this will shape
the rest of your entire
life you become a man out on the court right here this is where you learn life
lessons no it was
miserable i did and we had my school is a big school naperville is a big big
suburb of chicago
all right we lived in a place called woodridge which is right next door sounds
pretty classy
woodridge is not woodridge is the we're like the pebo's giving the money sign
back there oh he is
naperville yeah naperville's got some cash they got some cash they got some
keeping the irs
man one step behind them naperville has got some cash so we lived in woodridge
but i couldn't
go to downers grove schools because they were packed so they sent me to naperville
schools
which is better they're better schools but um they you know we had in my four
years i think
we had like seven pro athletes there you go it was nuts candace parker went to
i can't like the
best female but she went to our sister high school my school had uh my class or
above me had two nfl
players chris brown the running back he was he was a year or two older than us
justin and jay mccarrens
i mean like fucking world-class athletes see look at that it could have been
maybe eight if you
would have stopped playing grab ass with your junkie friends put some time in
the gym i got
out of basketball and i went and i went downstairs and when you see these grown
adult men showering
you go home you shower at the house yeah i don't shower there these guys have
grandfather clock
arm cocks dragging on the floor it was a basketball team in high school yeah
man these are we had adult
men you wouldn't shower with them no that must have raised my little irish cock
yeah with these
big black behemoth dicks no way it was nuts dude that's what i'm saying we had
pro athletes guys that
went on to play college these were there in your jersey and shorts i just left
in my warm-ups i would
put back on the warm-ups be like all right my dad's coming i gotta run he's
here i would never shower at
school i was so afraid to have my little penis around these big adult men the
announcers bringing
you up like that give it up for andrew santino also known as egg noodle dick
here comes tiny tim i don't want i mean seriously these were like i don't know
if you went to high
school with dudes that were like that a couple of hammers they were already men
when we were
freshmen they were men i'd hit puberty like 22 yeah we were boys it was nuts i
was so afraid when i saw
these guys getting naked in front of me i was like what the yeah when does that
kick in when do i get
that i'm still waiting when do i get the upgrade when is that yeah someone's
got to turn mine on so
yeah i went to arizona state and then nice uh i moved out here in oh oh six oh
seven okay oh six and
then um lived in long beach on a lazy boy for like three or four months there
you go at least it was
name brand name brand baby i know it was it was pretty it was fancy it also had
the it had the
it wasn't just the crank really yeah it was mckay yeah it was all right the
crank was really nice
i like the mechanicals go after a while they don't last i know that's always
you need both
you need it's like a if roll down windows also should have the you know the
automatic and not but i
lived on that and then i moved up to culver city and i lived in a uh partitioned
off dining room
for 400 a month with three other guys in one bathroom damn that was hot that
was my beginning
years of la the struggle is real that was very real now look at you