Name: Ari Shaffir Plays "Are You Jewish?" With The Boys
Uploaded: 2026-04-21T21:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir Plays "Are You Jewish?" With The Boys' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ari Shaffir Plays "Are You Jewish?" With The Boys' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2026-04-21. Transcript available.

And today we're going to play another game.
The worst public defender ever.
Murders?
What, Gary?
I thought it was a parking ticket.
Chief, did you do it?
I can't get involved in this.
What the hell?
You killed her.
If you did it, you got to tell me, man.
Chief, your honor.
Hey, what the hell?
Oh, hey, recess, recess.
I mean, we were not too busy looking at you shitting on him.
And I turn around.
He's like, actually, put together.
Okay.
Well, the comments on YouTube just went south.
To play the game that everybody talks about.
Are you Jewish?
Oh, man, this episode will be divisive.
I'm here with my guests.
Holy shit.
What the fuck?
Ari Shaffir.
At Tanta Tootie's.
And we're here to find out the age-old question.
Are you Jewish?
Okay.
I have some questions for you guys.
Please.
This is just some kind of questions if I can.
Do you need a pen?
Yeah, I'd love one.
Thank you.
Can you get Rabbi Shaffir a pen?
You're almost a rabbi, right?
Yeah, I was almost a rabbi.
Like how close?
Something in a ram horn, if you have it, Luke.
Are you sure how to do it, first of all?
He just stole the pen.
I won.
I wouldn't be surprised if the one you pulled out had a chain on it from the
bank.
Yeah, you know that thing where they just swing it away?
You know that thing where they go around and they go, hey, do you want me to
give you $20?
You want me to give it to the next person and double it?
They do it to a seated guy?
They do it to a seated guy and he's like, just give it to me.
Side note, there's these guys that go around to jewelers with dog shit, spray
painted gold,
and go, can you evaluate this for me?
Dude, they cut it.
It's the best thing in the world.
It's right up your alley.
You missed a lot, Ari.
Welcome back to the-
God, you look like a rabbi.
Dude, it's so weird because you can be such a derp.
You can visibly look like a derp.
Question for both of you.
Where do you get that scarf?
It's a tallis, and I got it from a yard sale.
Where, Tom's River?
Have you ever gotten an A in any class you've taken?
Like on the report card?
Yeah.
An A.
Yeah, my senior year.
Okay.
I would probably say, yeah.
I don't know, though.
Interesting, because those are very Jewish tricks.
Okay.
Both of you.
What's the most schooling you guys went to?
College degree.
Wow.
College degree.
Two years of college.
Ooh.
No degree.
Okay.
Yeah, then dropped out.
Two years for age.
You could be a Jewish woman.
There you go.
Do your moms ever try to get you to eat?
We're trying to get him to not eat.
Yes.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Oh.
The Catholic mother and the Jewish mother are very, very similar.
They're mothers.
They're all similar.
Do they ever tell you how you're doing your life wrong, or you should just
change it slightly?
Oh, God.
All the time.
Oh, my God.
Up until two years ago, yeah.
My mom still goes with it.
Did they like you on tires?
Did they say you did a good job?
You should ask him to get you on Saturday Night Live.
Sure.
If he can host, you can too.
Mm-hmm.
Have you guys ever used humor as a coping mechanism?
You're witnessing it right now.
These are interesting questions and answers so far.
It's a little lopsided.
It feels like the setup.
Do we get to cross-examine?
Sure.
Absolutely.
Honestly, if you have any questions on these or any explanations, I'd love to
hear them.
Huh.
I got nothing.
Next question.
We know you're Jewish.
I've got the whole outfit on.
Have you ever taken a bus to avoid all the goyim at the airport?
Wait, what?
What's goyim?
Goyim is non-Jews.
It's you.
Sounds like a fungus.
Wait, taking a bus?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
What could it mean?
Like a Jewish bus?
Just a bus.
I don't know.
A bus anywhere.
Do I avoid the price?
No, just the goyim.
Just the non-Jews.
Non-Jews at the airport.
Do they have Jewish buses at the airport?
I don't know.
Did you ever get around?
Seeing people at airports by getting a bus?
I have.
When?
I was going to Boston.
Instead of flying, I took the bus.
Oh, okay.
Didn't you guys do a-
Oh, a tour bus.
Wow.
We did.
We did.
But that wasn't to avoid goyim at the airport.
Did you avoid the goyim?
We did avoid the goyim.
Okay.
We liked the goyim.
We did bump into some other goyim.
Yeah.
My mother's a goyim.
Wait, is that a Jewish thing?
Goyim.
Goyim is plural.
Goyim is single.
No, I know.
But you guys are like, I had a kid at the airport.
It's just filled with them.
Is that how you say it?
No.
What do you think we say?
That is how we say it.
But it's just like they're everywhere?
They're everywhere.
We understand.
We have to deal with you guys.
We're everywhere.
What?
You're infested.
Man.
You're infested this world with your goyim shit.
What?
Your trash goyim shit.
Trying to revel in garbage.
I hope my cousins and uncles have tuned out for this episode.
Talk about the dreidel calling a dreidel a dreidel.
Okay.
Here's one.
Nothing on it?
You're right.
I wasn't listening.
That was great.
That was great.
Let's do a little spinny thing here.
Add that in.
We're everywhere.
Have you ever bought better tickets for an event that you already had free
tickets but
were seats?
I believe we have done that.
Damn.
We've done that recently.
That's not good.
No.
Jewish guys aren't doing that.
Jewish guys are not doing that.
Yeah.
I was hoping you guys would say no to that.
No.
No.
We're big besties.
Why would I get better tickets when I already have free tickets?
It's free.
That I can scalp and not go to the show.
And listen on the radio.
They broadcast the Mets on AM radio.
Why pay when you can just get it?
Look at this.
You look like an old Jewish man, dude.
It's crazy.
He is an old Jewish man.
I know.
But normally he's a drugged out hippie.
They don't wear it like that.
Sometimes.
No, they don't.
If they're skiing, maybe.
I love Ari.
You can see it better.
Yeah, you got me tickets.
I invited you to a Yankee game.
Uh-huh.
And then you're like, no, no.
I was like, I got bleacher seats.
It's great.
And you're just like.
They were like $1,800 a pile.
It's crazy.
We're very.
Yeah, no.
We don't like that.
For a regular season game.
Oh, so that's a big zero.
We had a good time, didn't we?
We had a great time.
See?
Not very Jewish, though.
Okay.
Oh, no, you guys ate shellfish.
What are you talking about?
We ate a lot of stuff.
Yeah, I don't think.
We ate a lot of stuff.
Remember we were going to 999?
I put shrimp in my pocket.
By the way.
What?
Was the 999 a thing before we did it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You sure?
Yes.
Yeah, I didn't make it up.
Yeah, no.
I didn't make it up.
They're like doing it now.
They have like the box and they have like a box of all the shit in it.
We're the first one to do it in a box.
No, no, no.
I'm saying they have like.
You can get like a box of nine beers and nine dogs.
Oh.
They're ripping us off.
They're ripping us off.
And every stadium's doing it.
What's a box of just 999?
No, like a snack box and it says 999.
Deals.
Jewish.
The best was that we were going to do it.
Renazisi is a big Yankee fan.
He was going to do it.
And then we thought, oh, maybe we'll go to the Yankees-Phillies game.
In New York.
In New York.
And then Shane was like, hey, actually, if you go in Philadelphia and get you a
box,
it's all paid for.
And Steve was like, well, I can't do that week.
And we're like, Steve, it's all paid for.
Maybe you didn't hear the it's all paid for.
I've only met you a couple of times, Gary.
I'm Joey.
Shout out to Steve.
Of course.
Okay.
These are all really good.
Have you ever not bought something because it costs too much?
That's I listen.
Yeah, I want to I want an escalade.
Okay, let's make it fair.
Let's make it something better.
Not when it comes to food.
Okay.
How about something like a water down here?
But like it's $4.
No, no, I'm not paying $4.
You pay for it anyway.
Yes, 100%.
I did get I did get into a back and a response.
You don't go, dude, fuck that.
I don't have that.
I wish I did.
I wish I was like smart like that.
Wow.
I do.
No, I.
It's the principal kind of shit.
This was nuts.
I was buying a Diet Coke.
It was on the Upper West Side at the park on like Central Park West.
Very Jewish neighborhood.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
I might be Jewish.
Jacob's Pickles.
Yeah.
Just got to get out of there.
I do like the matzo ball soup from Jacob's Pickles.
You ever had a matzo ball soup from Jacob's Pickles?
You might be Jewish.
It's so good to make you want to slap your mama.
Jacob's Pickles?
Slap your rabbi.
You know Jacob's Pickles?
Oh, I will now.
It's, you know, our good friend Sam Rubinoff.
Very Jewish.
Oh, yeah.
I can't miss that.
He brewski.
Shmoly.
It's his favorite matzo ball soup in the city.
What?
It's very good.
That's crazy.
It's very good.
No, you go to Barney Greengrass.
Get out of here.
Today's episode of Are You Garbage is brought to you by Jacob's Pickles.
Hey, guys, what time is it?
Time for Jacob's Pickles.
And a little matzo ball soup.
And I was like the cart guy.
You know what I mean?
Like the hot dog cart guy, whatever.
And I was just like, hey, let me get a Diet Coke.
And I forget the number, but he's like eight bucks.
Too high.
And I went, I live here.
Yeah.
And I think he was like, give me five bucks or something.
There was a concession.
Well, that's okay.
Wait, so you talked him down.
Uh-oh.
I didn't ask.
No, no, no, no.
Wow.
Would you take a nice button and trade?
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
I was not expecting that.
I didn't ask for it.
But they do that in all different kinds of the world, not just Jewish parts.
Were you talking to other people?
I guess doing it in New York.
Hold on.
If I was at a bazaar, I'm sure.
Wait, when you did this, Kevin, did you turn to other people like, do you
believe this?
They're charging $8 for a Diet Cola.
I can get that at shul for free.
Did you do that?
Did you do that?
Maybe.
Fuck.
Fine, that's better.
It's not good, but it's better.
I do live next to Yeshiva University.
You do?
You do live up there?
Yeah.
I went to school there for a year.
Yeah.
That's where I kind of lost my life.
You smoke a lot of weed.
We've had this conversation 47 times.
Damn, I do smoke a lot of weed.
You just put me in an Uber to Yeshiva University.
Three nights together.
But there's a kosher section of my supermarket.
Wow.
They do not like me snooping around over there.
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
That's like the halal section at the grocery store in Queens.
They don't like me over there either.
That's the good meat, though.
That's the best meat.
It's just been blessed, or is it like brine?
No, it's nice.
It's been blessed and kept better.
It's no pig asshole.
And I go over there, and they know I'm not Muslim, and they don't like it.
Oh, that's the muzzies.
Give me the ribeye.
Border out.
Yeah.
Okay, here's one.
About how much are property taxes?
Do you know?
No.
You have no idea?
No idea.
I know what mine are.
Okay.
That's not fair.
I just had to pay them, but I paid them late.
Okay.
I paid them late.
All right.
Good explanation.
Why'd you pay them late?
I'm just bad at bills.
What?
Ooh.