Name: Bill Burr & Nia Advice - I Caught my Wife Cheating with a Personal Trainer
Uploaded: 2021-03-01T18:30:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - I Caught my Wife Cheating with a Personal Trainer' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - I Caught my Wife Cheating with a Personal Trainer' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-01. Transcript available.

Sexting.
Sexting, all right.
This isn't really, well, this is about this guy.
Remember I told you that story about that dude.
He worked for some corporation, Sea of Cubicles, all right?
And I'm sure he's on some sort of team.
Right.
And everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there,
like those poor kids who work at them.
Morale-building exercises.
Yeah, like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery.
Uh-huh.
You ever see them with, like, making, like, the goddamn ice cream going,
hi-ho, hi-ho.
Yeah.
It's off to work.
I just, that, like, a part of me dies when I see that,
when I just see people, like, it's like basically watching someone
work in, like, an ice cream death camp when I'm in there.
None of them are happy.
None of them dreamed of doing that.
Ice cream death camp.
Maybe if you're, like, a fatty, you know, when you got a job
at an ice cream store, kind of like a pedophile getting a job
at, like, a Cub Scout camp.
Wow.
You know?
Isn't that where they always end up?
I love working with kids.
Oh, God.
You know?
I said that last week.
Follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So, using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with
fatties working in the ice cream store.
Let's get to this shit.
So, anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape,
so they hire some sort of personal trainer, and he's training
everybody.
All right?
And what he does is he gets everybody's emails.
Right.
Great move on this guy's part.
Mm-hmm.
Fucking great move.
Now he doesn't have to deal with them face-to-face,
and if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang,
he can take it to the next level.
Sure.
Perfect.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
Okay.
Shooting fish in a fucking barrel, or fish in barrels in a
shooting gallery.
So, anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that,
you know, he gets one text going,
hey, Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks,
and you should be fine.
But for some reason his little hottie wife has to get,
like, 40 fucking texts from this guy at, like, 1130 at night.
Oh, I do remember this.
Yeah.
He and his wife work at the same place, obviously.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Okay.
Work at the same place, right?
So he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife.
I remember this.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm going to recap for people who didn't listen last week.
All right?
So he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night,
texting, going, and he goes, who are you texting?
And she would immediately slam the phone shut,
because she's got a flip phone, evidently,
and would say, either would say nobody,
or would get mad and say nobody.
Right.
So this guy's not a moron.
He figures out something's up.
He's into some sort of fucking Spygate shit,
where he's at.
He hacks into her thing, gets her password,
and sees that all these text messages back and forth to the trainer.
So what does he do?
He's a goddamn man.
Does he slap his fucking wife around?
No.
He goes right to the trainer and says, hey,
Slaps him around.
And says, hey, sport.
No, because you get sued.
You get sued for that now.
You get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right.
Yeah.
He goes, hey, sport, why don't you do me a favor and stop texting my fucking
wife in all hours of the night.
So then Sporto there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him, starts
acting overly nice.
Like, you know, what all guilty people do.
Right.
If he was innocent, he would have got mad.
Sure.
Be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
I always text people about how to make their core stronger at 2 in the morning.
I'm dedicated.
Maybe you should be inspired by what I'm doing.
I specifically am interested in women having a strong core because they're so
beaten down in society.
You know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't.
Now he's all like, hey, man, how are you?
With this whole, please don't beat the shit out of me and expose me for being
the dirtbag I am so I lose this giant money-making client here.
Right.
So anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing.
So he sent a couple of – actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote.
They were talking about the Beatles.
And he writes, all those damn Beatles songs make my stomach hurt when I listen
to them because it reminds me of getting ready to go see you.
They give me anxiety.
This is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife.
Now what sort of exercise are they talking about there?
Is that – what is that?
Is that push-ups?
So then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
Oh, God.
Right?
And then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song – if I
related that song to you because I thought you were lonely.
He's talking about her fucking marriage.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
This guy's a dirtbag.
I love him.
It's the classic guy.
I love him.
It's the classic.
He listens to me.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy, he's just saying everything.
He listens to me.
We talk about music.
Yeah.
My feelings.
Oh, yeah.
My husband doesn't do that.
Right.
And what it is is his dick is downloading all the knowledge in this guy's brain
that he has about human beings, and he's just giving her – and the dick is
just – is basically sitting in the Captain Kirk chair.
He's just fucking – anything she wants to hear.
So anyways, then he writes – another one, he said, I know, fuck my life.
I wear my fuck my life to sleep, and I have a confession to make.
I also wear your panties.
She goes, LOL, shut up.
He writes, it's true.
So I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real
question is – not whether or not that that's socially acceptable.
The real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties?
He at least finger blasted her.
Would you go with me on that?
I mean, if – I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just, like,
controversial or something.
That's what I thought, but she goes, LOL, shut up.
He goes, it's true.
Yeah, but he just still may be joking around.
Were you talking to the mic?
Oh, he may just still be joking around, but if he is wearing –
It's true.
But if he is, she gave it to him.
How else would he have him?
And they're talking about the Beatles and shit?
Whatever, whatever.
Give it to him, if it's true.
Okay, so that's basically what I'm saying.
So he's fucking – he's got her fucking panties.
They're both adults.
I'm guessing by this, she's, like, in her 30s.
What is he doing, fingering her and taking her out for a malt?
He's banging her.
He fucking banged her.
This fucking piece of shit.
Who would be a great movie kid.
This is a great character for a fucking movie.
So anyways, he said – and this is what he said.
His wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened.
She's just in complete, obviously, denial.
She's in denial.
He said, I'm dumping her.
Not for the reminiscing talk, but for lying to me.
He's not interested in trying to –
Please say that, Nia, and I swear to God, I'm going to throw my computer at you.
I will throw this fucking computer at you.
Are you fucking – he's not interested in what?
I don't know.
Working it out?
Don't throw it at me.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
I'm just going to leave you in dead silence.
Go ahead.
Tell me –
No, no, no, no, no.
I just – I don't know.
No, he's well within his right.
I was just posing a question.
That's all.
Well within his right.
I don't understand why she – it doesn't just fess up then.
Like, if she wants to be with another guy.
That's a whole nother topic.
That's a whole nother topic.
I just feel like – no, you know what it is?
What is the move here?
I feel like something –
What is the move here other than walking away?
I feel like a part of the story is missing or something.
What, the video of them fucking?
Is that what's missing?
What else is missing?
No, I guess if he's like, hey –
Nia, if you start blaming him for not paying attention and that's why she's
fucking this guy,
I will fucking throw you out of this room.
No, no, no.
I'm not – calm down.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm just saying – so he says to her, are you cheating on – are you fucking
this guy?
And she's like, no, shut up.
What are you talking about?
Like, and she just flat out denied – I don't understand how she can flat out
deny something as hardcore as a text.
Because she's a piece of shit.
That's why I'm saying –
But she's a lying piece of shit.
What is going on?
Nia.
Yeah, but if you have something and you're like looking at it like this is what
you wrote, how are you denying it?
Because she just – that's what denial is.
You're totally in denial.
I don't have a drinking problem because you're fucking drinking NyQuil.
I think it tastes good.
I don't have a problem.
Right.
Yeah.
I like sleeping.
You know?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic.
This is what you keep –
I want people to hear what you have to say.
Oh, okay.
All right.
All right.
But this is good shit.
And I'm ruining it?
No.
You're saying it off mic.
Good fucking Lord.
You know what kills me is you was still – like it's just – I don't know.
I'm going to piss you off right now.
You ladies will defend –
Because you guys defend each other.
Like right there.
I'm not defending her.
If a guy did that.
I'm not defending her.
Well, let me – can I get out my – what I'm going to say?
If a guy did that shit, you'd be like dump his ass.
Girl, he's a fucking loser.
You can do better than that.
Call me.
We'll eat a little moon pie.
I'll build you up.
That's what the fuck you would have done.
But because – yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing.
What is missing?
I guess nothing.
Thank you, Nia.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted?
You just wanted me to come on and agree with you?
It took a good fucking 20 minutes.
Yeah.
Not agree with me.
Agree with the decision this guy made.
This isn't about me, Nia.
Please.
Okay?
I'm just a messenger here.
Sure.
You know?
I'm just trying to do – I'm just trying to do what's right out here.
Because it's very clear what's happening and you got someone who's just like,
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Man or woman.
If the person you're with is texting past – I would even – for regular
people
who aren't in show business.
The booty hour starts after 11, I would say.
After 11?
Yeah.
But that's with somebody you're already fucking.
Okay?
I know you don't understand it because you don't have to talk yourself into it.
Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way
through.
So you got to be setting it up.
Okay.
I've always considered –
7.30 is too creepy and stalkerish.
And I would say you start going past 9.30, she's going to feel like she's some
sort of tramp.
If you haven't fucked her yet, right?
So you got to – there's that window.
Uh-huh.
About 8.15 to about 9.07.
You have to do the setup text.
Okay?
And the setup text is not talking about pussy.
It's go, oh, you know, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV.
So-and-so is so ridiculous.
Some sort of fucking – just to get it going.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Something that seems very benign.
Yeah, like a boxer.
You feel him out in the first round.
Or the Beatles.
Yeah, you don't load it up, right?
You're feeling it up.
Yeah, that's what they're doing.
Right.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
You know something?
As much as a piece of shit as that guy is, if he writes a book, I would read it
in a second.
Why?
Because, you know, he's got great – I mean, the position he has, that's like
when I used
to take – I used to take that yoga class when I was out here, and there was
that guy
out in Santa Monica, and he was a phenomenal fucking teacher.
Right.
And this place was jam-packed, and it was by donation only.
So then for tax purposes, I think he falls under a church.
I know it helped him with taxes, and it's all in cash, so it's all good.
All right?
And then the hottest fucking women – some of the hottest women ever move out
to L.A.
to become actresses, okay?
He's got them in his class, getting them all stretched out before he bangs them.
It was one of the greatest – it was fucking airtight.
Yeah.
And he would go around the class, and somehow me, having never touched my toes
since I was
in the womb, was somehow always doing every position correctly, yet all these
other hotties
always needed to be adjusted.
Yeah.
Right around the psoas.
So I don't get mad at a guy who's got a good thing, but, you know, stay away
from the
fucking married ladies.
Yes.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Bill Burr & Nia Advice - I Caught my Wife Cheating with a Personal Trainer

Sexting.
Sexting, all right.
This isn't really, well, this is about this guy.
Remember I told you that story about that dude.
He worked for some corporation, Sea of Cubicles, all right?
And I'm sure he's on some sort of team.
Right.
And everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there,
like those poor kids who work at them.
Morale-building exercises.
Yeah, like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery.
Uh-huh.
You ever see them with, like, making, like, the goddamn ice cream going,
hi-ho, hi-ho.
Yeah.
It's off to work.
I just, that, like, a part of me dies when I see that,
when I just see people, like, it's like basically watching someone
work in, like, an ice cream death camp when I'm in there.
None of them are happy.
None of them dreamed of doing that.
Ice cream death camp.
Maybe if you're, like, a fatty, you know, when you got a job
at an ice cream store, kind of like a pedophile getting a job
at, like, a Cub Scout camp.
Wow.
You know?
Isn't that where they always end up?
I love working with kids.
Oh, God.
You know?
I said that last week.
Follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So, using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with
fatties working in the ice cream store.
Let's get to this shit.
So, anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape,
so they hire some sort of personal trainer, and he's training
everybody.
All right?
And what he does is he gets everybody's emails.
Right.
Great move on this guy's part.
Mm-hmm.
Fucking great move.
Now he doesn't have to deal with them face-to-face,
and if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang,
he can take it to the next level.
Sure.
Perfect.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
Okay.
Shooting fish in a fucking barrel, or fish in barrels in a
shooting gallery.
So, anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that,
you know, he gets one text going,
hey, Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks,
and you should be fine.
But for some reason his little hottie wife has to get,
like, 40 fucking texts from this guy at, like, 1130 at night.
Oh, I do remember this.
Yeah.
He and his wife work at the same place, obviously.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Okay.
Work at the same place, right?
So he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife.
I remember this.
Okay.
All right.
Well, I'm going to recap for people who didn't listen last week.
All right?
So he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night,
texting, going, and he goes, who are you texting?
And she would immediately slam the phone shut,
because she's got a flip phone, evidently,
and would say, either would say nobody,
or would get mad and say nobody.
Right.
So this guy's not a moron.
He figures out something's up.
He's into some sort of fucking Spygate shit,
where he's at.
He hacks into her thing, gets her password,
and sees that all these text messages back and forth to the trainer.
So what does he do?
He's a goddamn man.
Does he slap his fucking wife around?
No.
He goes right to the trainer and says, hey,
Slaps him around.
And says, hey, sport.
No, because you get sued.
You get sued for that now.
You get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right.
Yeah.
He goes, hey, sport, why don't you do me a favor and stop texting my fucking
wife in all hours of the night.
So then Sporto there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him, starts
acting overly nice.
Like, you know, what all guilty people do.
Right.
If he was innocent, he would have got mad.
Sure.
Be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking about?
I always text people about how to make their core stronger at 2 in the morning.
I'm dedicated.
Maybe you should be inspired by what I'm doing.
I specifically am interested in women having a strong core because they're so
beaten down in society.
You know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't.
Now he's all like, hey, man, how are you?
With this whole, please don't beat the shit out of me and expose me for being
the dirtbag I am so I lose this giant money-making client here.
Right.
So anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing.
So he sent a couple of – actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote.
They were talking about the Beatles.
And he writes, all those damn Beatles songs make my stomach hurt when I listen
to them because it reminds me of getting ready to go see you.
They give me anxiety.
This is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife.
Now what sort of exercise are they talking about there?
Is that – what is that?
Is that push-ups?
So then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
Oh, God.
Right?
And then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song – if I
related that song to you because I thought you were lonely.
He's talking about her fucking marriage.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
This guy's a dirtbag.
I love him.
It's the classic guy.
I love him.
It's the classic.
He listens to me.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy, he's just saying everything.
He listens to me.
We talk about music.
Yeah.
My feelings.
Oh, yeah.
My husband doesn't do that.
Right.
And what it is is his dick is downloading all the knowledge in this guy's brain
that he has about human beings, and he's just giving her – and the dick is
just – is basically sitting in the Captain Kirk chair.
He's just fucking – anything she wants to hear.
So anyways, then he writes – another one, he said, I know, fuck my life.
I wear my fuck my life to sleep, and I have a confession to make.
I also wear your panties.
She goes, LOL, shut up.
He writes, it's true.
So I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real
question is – not whether or not that that's socially acceptable.
The real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties?
He at least finger blasted her.
Would you go with me on that?
I mean, if – I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just, like,
controversial or something.
That's what I thought, but she goes, LOL, shut up.
He goes, it's true.
Yeah, but he just still may be joking around.
Were you talking to the mic?
Oh, he may just still be joking around, but if he is wearing –
It's true.
But if he is, she gave it to him.
How else would he have him?
And they're talking about the Beatles and shit?
Whatever, whatever.
Give it to him, if it's true.
Okay, so that's basically what I'm saying.
So he's fucking – he's got her fucking panties.
They're both adults.
I'm guessing by this, she's, like, in her 30s.
What is he doing, fingering her and taking her out for a malt?
He's banging her.
He fucking banged her.
This fucking piece of shit.
Who would be a great movie kid.
This is a great character for a fucking movie.
So anyways, he said – and this is what he said.
His wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened.
She's just in complete, obviously, denial.
She's in denial.
He said, I'm dumping her.
Not for the reminiscing talk, but for lying to me.
He's not interested in trying to –
Please say that, Nia, and I swear to God, I'm going to throw my computer at you.
I will throw this fucking computer at you.
Are you fucking – he's not interested in what?
I don't know.
Working it out?
Don't throw it at me.
No, no, no.
Go ahead.
I'm just going to leave you in dead silence.
Go ahead.
Tell me –
No, no, no, no, no.
I just – I don't know.
No, he's well within his right.
I was just posing a question.
That's all.
Well within his right.
I don't understand why she – it doesn't just fess up then.
Like, if she wants to be with another guy.
That's a whole nother topic.
That's a whole nother topic.
I just feel like – no, you know what it is?
What is the move here?
I feel like something –
What is the move here other than walking away?
I feel like a part of the story is missing or something.
What, the video of them fucking?
Is that what's missing?
What else is missing?
No, I guess if he's like, hey –
Nia, if you start blaming him for not paying attention and that's why she's
fucking this guy,
I will fucking throw you out of this room.
No, no, no.
I'm not – calm down.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm just saying – so he says to her, are you cheating on – are you fucking
this guy?
And she's like, no, shut up.
What are you talking about?
Like, and she just flat out denied – I don't understand how she can flat out
deny something as hardcore as a text.
Because she's a piece of shit.
That's why I'm saying –
But she's a lying piece of shit.
What is going on?
Nia.
Yeah, but if you have something and you're like looking at it like this is what
you wrote, how are you denying it?
Because she just – that's what denial is.
You're totally in denial.
I don't have a drinking problem because you're fucking drinking NyQuil.
I think it tastes good.
I don't have a problem.
Right.
Yeah.
I like sleeping.
You know?
Yeah.
You know what it is?
I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic.
This is what you keep –
I want people to hear what you have to say.
Oh, okay.
All right.
All right.
But this is good shit.
And I'm ruining it?
No.
You're saying it off mic.
Good fucking Lord.
You know what kills me is you was still – like it's just – I don't know.
I'm going to piss you off right now.
You ladies will defend –
Because you guys defend each other.
Like right there.
I'm not defending her.
If a guy did that.
I'm not defending her.
Well, let me – can I get out my – what I'm going to say?
If a guy did that shit, you'd be like dump his ass.
Girl, he's a fucking loser.
You can do better than that.
Call me.
We'll eat a little moon pie.
I'll build you up.
That's what the fuck you would have done.
But because – yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing.
What is missing?
I guess nothing.
Thank you, Nia.
Thank you for being on the podcast.
Yeah.
Is that what you wanted?
You just wanted me to come on and agree with you?
It took a good fucking 20 minutes.
Yeah.
Not agree with me.
Agree with the decision this guy made.
This isn't about me, Nia.
Please.
Okay?
I'm just a messenger here.
Sure.
You know?
I'm just trying to do – I'm just trying to do what's right out here.
Because it's very clear what's happening and you got someone who's just like,
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right.
Here's the deal.
Man or woman.
If the person you're with is texting past – I would even – for regular
people
who aren't in show business.
The booty hour starts after 11, I would say.
After 11?
Yeah.
But that's with somebody you're already fucking.
Okay?
I know you don't understand it because you don't have to talk yourself into it.
Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way
through.
So you got to be setting it up.
Okay.
I've always considered –
7.30 is too creepy and stalkerish.
And I would say you start going past 9.30, she's going to feel like she's some
sort of tramp.
If you haven't fucked her yet, right?
So you got to – there's that window.
Uh-huh.
About 8.15 to about 9.07.
You have to do the setup text.
Okay?
And the setup text is not talking about pussy.
It's go, oh, you know, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV.
So-and-so is so ridiculous.
Some sort of fucking – just to get it going.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Something that seems very benign.
Yeah, like a boxer.
You feel him out in the first round.
Or the Beatles.
Yeah, you don't load it up, right?
You're feeling it up.
Yeah, that's what they're doing.
Right.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
This fucking guy.
You know something?
As much as a piece of shit as that guy is, if he writes a book, I would read it
in a second.
Why?
Because, you know, he's got great – I mean, the position he has, that's like
when I used
to take – I used to take that yoga class when I was out here, and there was
that guy
out in Santa Monica, and he was a phenomenal fucking teacher.
Right.
And this place was jam-packed, and it was by donation only.
So then for tax purposes, I think he falls under a church.
I know it helped him with taxes, and it's all in cash, so it's all good.
All right?
And then the hottest fucking wome