Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Married Woman Wants Me
Uploaded: 2023-03-21T12:16:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Married Woman Wants Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Married Woman Wants Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-21. Transcript available.

All right, weight loss, dog pox, and banging.
There we go.
All right.
Billy Boy.
He goes, I got no nickname for you.
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for the podcast.
I'm a sales rep and use your podcast to de-stress.
Is that a word?
Mm-hmm.
Don't you do it with jeans?
That's de-stress.
Oh, on the Monday afternoon drive home.
Oh, nice.
Six months ago, my company laid me off,
and I've used your podcast to fat shame myself
and work out during the day.
I love it.
Good for you.
Dude, fat shaming works.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
Well, I guess it did in this case.
It does.
It does for me.
I stand in the mirror shirtless,
and I just go, look what you did.
Look what you did, you piece of shit.
Nobody's going to love you.
And next thing you know, I'm out there eating kale,
jogging down the street with my white legs.
He said, I've dropped 40 pounds.
Also, yeah, can we talk about how you're dressed for a sport
that would, like, never have you?
Why are you dressed like that?
Because I was going to go on a bike ride.
You're matching.
You actually look pretty cute, I have to say.
But, I mean, no guy wants to look cute.
Oh, all right.
Guys, I'm going to look cute.
Oh, my God, you look cute.
You do.
You look cute.
I would give you a second glance at the gym
if you were wearing your little Nike outfit.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Really?
That matches.
And what, am I supposed to be thrilled by that?
Yeah, you should be.
Oh, shit.
You'd give me a second glance.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You should be happy.
All right.
You can say yourself lucky.
I don't like your mint chocolate chips fucking colored sweater you have on.
This is rag and bone, okay?
Okay, listen to this guy.
This is some real fashion shit.
I've dropped 40 pounds, and it's been great.
Good for you.
From 260 to 220, and size 42 pants to size 36.
Nice.
Good for you.
How the fuck are you?
Wait, wait a minute.
How are you size?
How are you 220 pounds, size 36 pants?
How does that work?
42 to a 36.
This guy's got to be jacked.
He's on the juice.
He's got fucking, he's got giant shoulders, 80-pound shoulders.
Anyway, so here's my dilemma.
He goes, I have a lab, not a pot, a lab golden retriever mix,
and we go to the park near my house every day to play fetch off the leash.
There is the usual suspects of about 10 to 15 people that bring their dogs out
to play.
I live in a slightly unsafe city, parentheses, Baltimore.
The wire.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Didn't they shoot the wire there?
Yes.
Yeah, slightly.
Not all Baltimore.
Hashtag not all Baltimore.
Yeah, you got the fucking waterfront.
That's sort of nice for half a second.
Although it didn't watch his face.
He had a meeting down there one time, one of the episodes.
Who?
The guy you like, the English guy.
On that show.
I don't know what his fucking name is.
His name on the show, though, was...
Sturgis.
Striker.
Yeah.
Wait.
Spalding.
Sterling?
No.
All right.
Let's move on.
And last week we were outside discussing Stringer Bell.
Stringer Bell, yeah.
Yeah.
I put some new words in my head that I can remember.
And last week we were outside discussing the group of kids, groups of kids on
bikes that are grabbing women's asses while jogging in the park.
So one guy starts telling the women to grab the kid that does that and hold
them there until the police come.
Oh, yeah.
That's really safe and realistic for women to do.
Is that sarcasm?
Yes, that is sarcasm.
Keep reading.
Well, just because he addresses it in the next sentence.
All right.
Don't fucking order me around on my...
What's wrong with you?
Nothing.
What?
Jesus Christ.
He goes, I think you can see the...
Keep reading.
I've made my comment.
Continue.
You are drunk with power.
He goes, I think you can see the danger here of any one adult grabbing a 14 to
16-year-old kid and thinking the other kids will just ride away.
You're going to get beat down and probably hit in the head with a brick.
Sounds like the beginning of a Death Wish movie.
So this same guy, who, by the way, is a hedge fund manager and knows everything,
starts telling me all the fights he's been in.
He goes, I'll buy each listener of this podcast a beer if he's even been in one
fight.
He goes, so his wife is there and everyone is listening.
He says, I want to fight one time with just my mouth.
So before you can say anything else, I say, what did you do?
Blow them.
He goes, well, everyone laughs.
He can't really say anything and he storms off.
Gets about 10 yards away and tells his wife she has to come home.
She throws me a wink and says, that was hysterical.
I think you heard his feelings.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Doors opening and other doors closing.
Get it, size 36 pants.
He goes, I found out a couple of days later that I'm going back to work and I'm
being relocated.
He's going to say, can I bang her before I leave?
That's what I'm guessing.
Back to work and I'm being relocated over a thousand miles away.
What's the problem?
Well, his wife.
His, oh, you wrote it wrong.
Well, his wife is a hot piece of ass and has started sending me Facebook
messages and texts.
Texts?
What do you mean texts?
When did she get your number?
We skipped a part of that story, sir.
Saying she wants to sleep with me before I leave.
They have no kids and she showed me divorce papers that she is willing, she's
waiting to file after he gets his next bonus check in August.
Normally, I'm a pretty upstanding dude.
He's got to build up credibility.
People like me in the community.
I've recently lost weight.
I have a lab golden retriever mix and I go to the dog park.
He wants to fuck this guy's wife.
He goes, I don't believe in crossing lines, but this one feels different.
I'm moving within the next six weeks.
What should I do?
And thanks and go fuck yourself.
Nia, I'm going to pass it over to you.
You know good and goddamn well you need to stay away from that woman.
All right.
You're doing well.
You lost weight.
You got nice little one-liners.
You know how to put people in their place.
Walk away.
You'll find somebody to fuck a thousand miles away where you get relocated.
Okay.
This is not the last piece of hot ass that you're going to come across.
So relax yourself.
So what you're saying.
Pat yourself on the back for the good line and the fact that you're getting
attention from hot pieces of ass who are looking to take their husbands for all
their worth before they divorce them and start banging the smart ass.
Smart ass at the dog park.
Be happy for that, but you can fuck somebody else.
So what you're saying is it's like when Columbus sailed over to America, which
was actually down to Cuba, I believe, before he started chopping off people's
hands because they couldn't find gold for his fillings.
Okay.
They saw branches, right, in the water that let them know that land was coming.
Okay.
Like that was a good sign.
So you're saying this is just a hot piece of ass floating by letting them know
that he's about ready to get on Pussy Island.
Absolutely.
Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
That was a long way to go.
All right.
So just walk away.
I'm sure it's very flattering, but you already humiliated the guy.
You did your work.
That was a great line.
What did you do?
Blow them?
That's fantastic.
And she's been waiting for a guy to come along to put her husband in his place
and all that stuff.
So, yeah, good for you.
But, no, don't be that guy.
Walk away.
All right.
You'll find somebody else.
I say do it.
All right.
Fame.
No, don't do it.
You know what?
You're the voice of reason.
Go ahead.
You're absolutely right because you have no idea why she wants to do that, you
know, because she might in an argument and be like, oh, yeah, and you remember
that guy at the dog park?
Well, I fucked him.
Exactly.
He was better than you.
And then all of a sudden this guy.
Yeah, and she sounds crazy too because why is she showing you divorce papers
and like, I'm going to divorce him as soon as he gets his next bonus check.
Stay away from that crazy broad.
Stay away from her.
Good call.
No, she's not.
That's TP right there.
What's that?
Toxic.
Pussy.
It is.
Yeah, all right.