Name: Bill Burr & Nia - My Dream Girl Has an STD
Uploaded: 2023-03-22T16:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - My Dream Girl Has an STD' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - My Dream Girl Has an STD' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-22. Transcript available.

um anyways here we go let's read this guy from london guy from london look at
this all the way
across the fucking pond needs advice about girl with std jesus christ you guys
are fucking killing
me this week i'm a londoner who just discovered your stand-up podcast i gotta
tell you you're one
of the best can we thank you man that's fucking awesome you know how great that
is to hear from
another country you make me laugh from the pit of my stomach which is a pretty
special gift to give
someone so thank you thank you all right let's see if i can help you out of
your fucking problem
here anyway i'm writing you because i just joined a dating website i don't know
how you feel about
online dating but my opinion has always been that it's fucked up who needs to
join a website to get
laid who isn't in some way a fucking lunatic right um i think that's the way it
was in the beginning
but now it's becoming this phenomenal way of avoiding a cover charge and having
to buy somebody a drink
and just going right towards the chick you want uh nino what's going on my girl
just walked in
fucking brutal questions this week you want to hear that just the titles of
these questions
uh or just one in general um i guess it was just this one friend is going to be
a dad
trying to get him to kill it what yeah
okay all right no i already answered it i just that she you know that that
whole pro-choice thing are you
pro-choice the choice is really the woman's you know if she wants to vacuum it
out like the hoover's
getting turned on and uh if if oh my god what could you not say it like that
when a guy makes a joke
like that even though you've never had a kid do you still feel a little quivering
in there no i do not
no you do not what other disgusting question you look really good thank you you
do um you want to
you want to help me with this one guy from london needs dating advice about
girl with std yeah okay
so anyways uh so he he always thought the online dating things were uh those
online dating websites
were just filled with a bunch of psychos because who can't just get laid but at
this point i think it's
it's normal now yeah it's totally normal now to do online stuff it's not like i
don't think there's a
stigma attached to it anymore plenty of people do it well i think there's an std
attached to it let me
read the rest of this uh so i'd avoided it uh being more than capable of hooking
up in real life
but my problem is uh that for about two years now that's all i've been doing hooking
up dating
meeting girls who never do that thing to me oh nobody that he falls in love
with i feel like
a husk a 31 year old i don't know what that means this guy's from london i
guess that means like
the old guy at the bar 31 year old and i'm dead inside oh i see he's dead
inside because no girl
can make me feel how i used to in the school playground with the first crushes
the thing that
makes you want to make pancakes in the morning for her or walk through the park
or put on some lionel
fucking richie all they want to do is come home lately uh all i want to do
after i come lately is
wash her off my dick and bounce her out yep yep i've been there which is no way
to live what
yeah i banged a lot of broads before i met you and that was the thing you were
like the second you did
you jumped up you said hang on a second let me get let me you acted like you
were getting something for
her and you went in there and she figured it out when she heard the sink was on
too long that you
had your dick in the sink and you were washing it up i used to take the hand
fucking soap and just
fucking act like i was jerking off with soap all right and that's why i have
the clean cock i have
today all right plowing ahead the thing that makes you want to okay uh which is
no way to live i'm
actually a romantic guy i cry at disney movies out jesus dude i don't want to
read this
shit i fall i want to fall in love again it sounds like lyrics to a lionel richie
song it's 2011 people
join these sites so i made a profile anyways this is a fucking long ass email
okay so anyways he's on this fucking website anyway after two weeks i'm
probably
thinking about shutting down the profile the only notable exception so far
being a divorcee who does
yoga she invites me to a bar we have a drink she complains of being tipsy and
needing to drive
i ask what she wants to do she corks up the bottle and takes me back to her
place and literally takes a
run at me it was nuts too kind of seedy like she'd watched some porn after this
after the split with
her husband decided that that was the way the world was now and decided to
emulate it for real so i'm
banging a mature granted pretty hot mature woman who's looking at me with this
angry look on her
face that porn star fuck face thing that makes me feel uneasy already while
saying things like do you
like that huh that dick is nice and warm in my pussy huh jesus christ are you
gonna are you gonna blow
your nuts right inside this pussy yeah and she's saying it with the english
accent too that's
fucking hilarious and i'm just feeling a bit sad inside side as i nod
anyways this is the thing i meet this girl 26 beautiful and i mean beautiful
she looks like a
little elf or something that just made it creepy an angel smoking and she's
smart funny kooky but in a
good hot way probably that dangerous gonna break your heart way too but i'm a
sucker for that anyway we go
for a walk around the zoo not really giving a shit about the animals because we're
too into each other
like uh hey look an aardvark oh you have really pretty hair it was great i'm
not that i'm not a bad
person after all my heart is beating again for this girl i feel happy where's
the std thing here
all right so we leave the zoo go to the bar for a kiss it's amazing electricity
then she goes i've got
to tell you something oh jesus here we go here we go you got to admit at that
point you were worried that
she had a dick right there's something i have to tell you um i have three nipples
and i'm married
to seven different men in iraq uh which is the sentence you don't want to hear
on a first date
blah blah blah so she anyways oh no i just looked ahead oh jesus brace yourself
i look at her and i say
go on and she goes on to tell me that a few months ago she was seeing some guy
who went down on her
and it turns out she had a cold he had a cold sore on his mouth and now she has
herpes
oh so she's got an incurable std that can be passed on at any point what do i
do about that
obviously i get the hell out i should be running as far from her pussy as i can
right but i like her
i haven't liked anyone like this for a long time but i also never had a disease
i look at my
shit in that i look i look after my shit in that way so i'm in a dilemma i like
her but she's damaged
she's she's a bit of a skank in the past possibly but she did the right thing
and laid that on the
table for me what should i do i'm clouded right now how much i'm attracted to
her i need your help
bill um yeah you get get the fuck out get out get out yeah you'll meet another
girl too you don't need
to do that listen she fucked up you didn't fuck up no no no i i'm saying my
shit she didn't she didn't
fuck up someone gave her an std how do you you don't know how she got the std
that's just the story
she told well either way like that should happen it's not like a it's not a
death sentence and b you
shouldn't judge people because they have an std let me ask you let me ask you
questions she takes
all her meds she is on top of it and make sure that you know she doesn't have
any breakouts if she does
she does what she needs to do and they use protection the entire time and he
goes to his
doctor and consults about listen my girlfriend has this i don't want to catch
it what can we do
or he finds someone with a clean pussy that makes his heart go pitter patter
i don't i don't think it's right to be like no stay away from her because she
has herpes because
it's like people have stds it's not listen if you want to find the right person
in life you got to be
selfish okay and i don't know anybody who has on the list when they think of
this soulmate nobody has
herpes no of course not in an ideal world you're both clean yeah in an ideal
world you don't have
sores on your genitalia i know but sometimes that happens and like no no this
is what they need to do
they need to have a a a herpes social network and people can just meet each
other on the herpes social
network and they can just pass it back and forth to each other they don't have
to worry about it yeah
and then they can they can go habsies on their herpes meds and it's all good no
no then it's all
good i don't think i'm preaching std segregation i'm i'm preaching separate but
equal social website
i think it should be tolerant and i think you should talk to her about it she
probably knows everything
that she needs to do in terms of medication i think you're full of shit i think
if the guy had
sores on his dick you'd be like you'd be like girl and you start rolling your
head like you're on a
talk show you need to get out that no i wouldn't if you really like the guy or
girl then you should
just talk about it you know what do they say like in manhattan like one in
three people has an std now
please don't quote me on that i could be wrong but something insane where like
stds are like through
the roof so obviously you should do everything in your power to protect
yourself but again he's also
just dating this girl he doesn't have to sleep with her right away then there's
no
fucking point there's no fucking point as a guy see how it goes and let me
finish there's no point
being there's no point in being with the woman unless you're gonna bang there's
no fucking point
well i understand that but they could have like an open conversation about they
go to the doctor
together they can like they can have a mature open line of communication about
it look i'm not
if you actually if you feel like this girl's the one then i mean that's pretty
powerful the fact that
she has herpes and you're still being like you know but i exactly and easy easy
easy up and down
fucking camden street and he's been careful he's been careful he kept his
breastplate on he
fucking had his he had his condom on anyone can catch an std especially through
oral sex because
how many people are using condoms when they go down on a guy and how many
people are using dental dams
nobody all right can i can i can i give some one night can i happen so if you're
gonna be
doing that kind of stuff yes one needs to be aware that that could happen all
right i'm gonna give
some one night stand advice from a dirty filthy old man all right i haven't had
a one night stand
in seven years so what do you know so what so you forgot all about it you don't
have it anymore
you're done baby i got you it's over all right wait a minute this is what you
do one of the first
things you want to do is you want to romance so you get out you get you get out
your george michael
uh cassette tape no this is the thing okay certain things don't change certain
things don't change
okay one night stand you never ever ever repeat ever go down on somebody you
don't do anything okay
i don't even kiss them one night stand you go in you talk shit you pull their
fucking hair you bend
them over and you put on a condom and you bang them that's what it is what am i
trying to
and be a gentleman we're here to fuck we are fucking you do it just the way
prostitutes do that's why
prostitutes you know that there's no fucking kissing anything did you want to
bang me put a condom on
and you just do the act you don't fucking you don't try to sit there and
impress them
you put on garden gardener gloves you finger pop them a little bit
don't ever don't ever i'm trying to help other guys don't ever go down on a
woman you don't know
ever you shouldn't do it ever and you should wait until you guys are in a
serious relationship and then
have her get tested and make sure that that that let me finish that you're not
going down
on a goddamn sewer yeah the same same thing with the same thing with women guys
what guys stick their
dicks half of them joined frats they had a fucking ox at some point or some
sort of farm animal you
never oral sex is for someone you're in love with i don't give a shit if you're
into it
you just you don't do it okay so you can avoid something like this so this is
what i would say listen
if you think this girl's the one then but i was just trying to be funny that by
all means i guess
you know do it but you're also early early you said it you already said it i
don't need to say it
again people heard it there's a rewind button i'm i'm an i'm an hour well go
grab it grab a mic
they're right there in the closet yeah why don't when you walk in here just
come in with a mic and be
prepared for the gig um yeah don't ever go down on somebody in a one-night
stand i really need to make
that into a bumper sticker um last question if he really likes i said if he
really likes her then
then definitely pursue it but you know also do you want to deal with this you
know it's got to
understand that you fall in and out of love with somebody in a relationship and
when you're falling
out of love with them when you're really getting mad you're going to be
thinking herpy shit you
fucking cold sore fucking motherfucker you give me think crazy shit exactly
just don't i mean if you're
gonna pursue her or whatever don't be using that is in your back pocket to
throw in her face because
like i said anyone can get an scd at any time it doesn't mean you're a slut or
you're a dirty guy
that does a bunch of stuff irresponsibly sometimes shit happens it's life and
other times you're
other times medication other times you're a filthy fucking whore a man whore or
a female whore and what
you do is you got to listen yeah when you got an scd you're fucking damaged
goods so you got to come up
with the fucking story i i this girl one time told me she had herpes she told
me she had it on her
knee she said she was in a hot tub she told me she told me she was in a hot tub
someone in there
had it she scraped her knee and she just got it on her knee and as long as she
didn't in this
quadrants of nerves as long as she didn't stress it wouldn't fucking move and
gradually she starts
telling me more of the story and it magically moved up to her fucking vajayjay
yeah she had
fucking genital herpes and she didn't fucking tell me fortunately i wore a
goddamn condom
and the second she told me the knee story i was like shoving off the buffalo
shoving off the buffalo
you know everybody if you're out there that you know you you run into shit okay
but that's why you
you always wear a fucking condom always always and yes and guys there's a lot
of guys out there who
can't fucking maintain a fucking erection because they're so used to raw dog
and that if you put that
on it feels like they're wearing a winter coat all right this is what you got
to do don't jerk off for
a few days and then try it because then you just be psyched anything is even
remotely touching you down
there or rub one out with a condom just get used to it it sucks but i'm telling
you this it's got to be
nothing worse than fucking waking up and having that shit you know of course it's
terrible and you and
she probably feels really bad and embarrassed about it so it's like and she
could also be lying how she
got it she could be like him she could have been a fucking whore going out
banging everything and
that's how she got it yeah and you're right and people need to take
responsibility if you get herpes you
need to take like 50 of it you're 100 right but i'm just saying i would just
feel bad if someone was
like oh i have herpes and nobody you know wants to be with me even though i'm
trying i know you're
right i'm trying i'm trying to be funny i'm not trying to be funny i'm also
trying to give this guy
some good advice yeah some good advice you know you don't have to settle in
life but if you feel like
this person's the one then definitely pursue it but don't be fucking just
sitting there you know the
worst way to go into a relationship is if you feel bad for somebody i feel bad
i want to help them it's
fucking pathetic you don't want to do that you want someone who's your equal or
if not bet aim
fucking that's why i was telling this kid he wanted to go to a prom i go
fucking definitely go to your
prom and ask some girl that you think's out of your league that's how you
improve your life you shoot
hard how the fuck did i end up with you yeah i mean i'm definitely out of your
oh i had low self-esteem
that night and i was just like ah fuck it oh no i'm just
Thank you.

Bill Burr & Nia - My Dream Girl Has an STD

um anyways here we go let's read this guy from london guy from london look at
this all the way
across the fucking pond needs advice about girl with std jesus christ you guys
are fucking killing
me this week i'm a londoner who just discovered your stand-up podcast i gotta
tell you you're one
of the best can we thank you man that's fucking awesome you know how great that
is to hear from
another country you make me laugh from the pit of my stomach which is a pretty
special gift to give
someone so thank you thank you all right let's see if i can help you out of
your fucking problem
here anyway i'm writing you because i just joined a dating website i don't know
how you feel about
online dating but my opinion has always been that it's fucked up who needs to
join a website to get
laid who isn't in some way a fucking lunatic right um i think that's the way it
was in the beginning
but now it's becoming this phenomenal way of avoiding a cover charge and having
to buy somebody a drink
and just going right towards the chick you want uh nino what's going on my girl
just walked in
fucking brutal questions this week you want to hear that just the titles of
these questions
uh or just one in general um i guess it was just this one friend is going to be
a dad
trying to get him to kill it what yeah
okay all right no i already answered it i just that she you know that that
whole pro-choice thing are you
pro-choice the choice is really the woman's you know if she wants to vacuum it
out like the hoover's
getting turned on and uh if if oh my god what could you not say it like that
when a guy makes a joke
like that even though you've never had a kid do you still feel a little quivering
in there no i do not
no you do not what other disgusting question you look really good thank you you
do um you want to
you want to help me with this one guy from london needs dating advice about
girl with std yeah okay
so anyways uh so he he always thought the online dating things were uh those
online dating websites
were just filled with a bunch of psychos because who can't just get laid but at
this point i think it's
it's normal now yeah it's totally normal now to do online stuff it's not like i
don't think there's a
stigma attached to it anymore plenty of people do it well i think there's an std
attached to it let me
read the rest of this uh so i'd avoided it uh being more than capable of hooking
up in real life
but my problem is uh that for about two years now that's all i've been doing hooking
up dating
meeting girls who never do that thing to me oh nobody that he falls in love
with i feel like
a husk a 31 year old i don't know what that means this guy's from london i
guess that means like
the old guy at the bar 31 year old and i'm dead inside oh i see he's dead
inside because no girl
can make me feel how i used to in the school playground with the first crushes
the thing that
makes you want to make pancakes in the morning for her or walk through the park
or put on some lionel
fucking richie all they want to do is come home lately uh all i want to do
after i come lately is
wash her off my dick and bounce her out yep yep i've been there which is no way
to live what
yeah i banged a lot of broads before i met you and that was the thing you were
like the second you did
you jumped up you said hang on a second let me get let me you acted like you
were getting something for
her and you went in there and she figured it out when she heard the sink was on
too long that you
had your dick in the sink and you were washing it up i used to take the hand
fucking soap and just
fucking act like i was jerking off with soap all right and that's why i have
the clean cock i have
today all right plowing ahead the thing that makes you want to okay uh which is
no way to live i'm
actually a romantic guy i cry at disney movies out jesus dude i don't want to
read this
shit i fall i want to fall in love again it sounds like lyrics to a lionel richie
song it's 2011 people
join these sites so i made a profile anyways this is a fucking long ass email
okay so anyways he's on this fucking website anyway after two weeks i'm
probably
thinking about shutting down the profile the only notable exception so far
being a divorcee who does
yoga she invites me to a bar we have a drink she complains of being tipsy and
needing to drive
i ask what she wants to do she corks up the bottle and takes me back to her
place and literally takes a
run at me it was nuts too kind of seedy like she'd watched some porn after this
after the split with
her husband decided that that was the way the world was now and decided to
emulate it for real so i'm
banging a mature granted pretty hot mature woman who's looking at me with this
angry look on her
face that porn star fuck face thing that makes me feel uneasy already while
saying things like do you
like that huh that dick is nice and warm in my pussy huh jesus christ are you
gonna are you gonna blow
your nuts right inside this pussy yeah and she's saying it with the english
accent too that's
fucking hilarious and i'm just feeling a bit sad inside side as i nod
anyways this is the thing i meet this girl 26 beautiful and i mean beautiful
she looks like a
little elf or something that just made it creepy an angel smoking and she's
smart funny kooky but in a
good hot way probably that dangerous gonna break your heart way too but i'm a
sucker for that anyway we go
for a walk around the zoo not really giving a shit about the animals because we're
too into each other
like uh hey look an aardvark oh you have really pretty hair it was great i'm
not that i'm not a bad
person after all my heart is beating again for this girl i feel happy where's
the std thing here
all right so we leave the zoo go to the bar for a kiss it's amazing electricity
then she goes i've got
to tell you something oh jesus here we go here we go you got to admit at that
point you were worried that
she had a dick right there's something i have to tell you um i have three nipples
and i'm married
to seven different men in iraq uh which is the sentence you don't want to hear
on a first date
blah blah blah so she anyways oh no i just looked ahead oh jesus brace yourself
i look at her and i say
go on and she goes on to tell me that a few months ago she was seeing some guy
who went down on her
and it turns out she had a cold he had a cold sore on his mouth and now she has
herpes
oh so she's got an incurable std that can be passed on at any point what do i
do about that
obviously i get the hell out i should be running as far from her pussy as i can
right but i like her
i haven't liked anyone like this for a long time but i also never had a disease
i look at my
shit in that i look i look after my shit in that way so i'm in a dilemma i like
her but she's damaged
she's she's a bit of a skank in the past possibly but she did the right thing
and laid that on the
table for me what should i do i'm clouded right now how much i'm attracted to
her i need your help
bill um yeah you get get the fuck out get out get out yeah you'll meet another
girl too you don't need
to do that listen she fucked up you didn't fuck up no no no i i'm saying my
shit she didn't she didn't
fuck up someone gave her an std how do you you don't know how she got the std
that's just the story
she told well either way like that should happen it's not like a it's not a
death sentence and b you
shouldn't judge people because they have an std let me ask you let me ask you
questions she takes
all her meds she is on top of it and make sure that you know she doesn't have
any breakouts if she does
she does what she needs to do and they use protection the entire time and he
goes to his
doctor and consults about listen my girlfriend has this i don't want to catch
it what can we do
or he finds someone with a clean pussy that makes his heart go pitter patter
i don't i don't think it's right to be like no stay away from her because she
has herpes because
it's like people have stds it's not listen if you want to find the right person
in life you got to be
selfish okay and i don't know anybody who has on the list when they think of
this soulmate nobody has
herpes no of course not in an ideal world you're both clean yeah in an ideal
world you don't have
sores on your genitalia i know but sometimes that happens and like no no this
is what they need to do
they need to have a a a herpes social network and people can just meet each
other on the herpes social
network and they can just pass it back and forth to each other they don't have
to worry about it yeah
and then they can they can go habsies on their herpes meds and it's all good no
no then it's all
good i don't think i'm preaching std segregation i'm i'm preaching separate but
equal social website
i think it should be tolerant and i think you should talk to her about it she
probably knows everything
that she needs to do in terms of medication i think you're full of shit i think
if the guy had
sores on his dick you'd be like you'd be like girl and you start rolling your
head like you're on a
talk show you need to get out that no i wouldn't if you really like the guy or
girl then you should
just talk about it you know what do they say like in manhattan like one in
three people has an std now
please don't quote me on that i could be wrong but something insane where like
stds are like through
the roof so obviously you should do everything in your power to protect
yourself but again he's also
just dating this girl he doesn't have to sleep with her right away then there's
no
fucking point there's no fucking point as a guy see how it goes and let me
finish there's no point
being there's no point in being with the woman unless you're gonna bang there's
no fucking point
well i understand that but they could have like an open conversation about they
go to the doctor
together they can like they can have a mature open line of communication about
it look i'm not
if you actually if you feel like this girl's the one then i mean that's pretty
powerful the fact that
she has herpes and you're still being like you know but i exactly and easy easy
easy up and down
fucking camden street and he's been careful he's been careful he kept his
breastplate on he
fucking had his he had his condom on anyone can catch an std especially through
oral sex because
how many people are using condoms when they go down on a guy and how many
people are using dental dams
nobody all right can i can i can i give some one night can i happen so if you're
gonna be
doing that kind of stuff yes one needs to be aware that that could happen all
right i'm gonna give
some one night stand advice from a dirty filthy old man all right i haven't had
a one night stand
in seven years so what do you know so what so you forgot all about it you don't
have it anymore
you're done baby i got you it's over all right wait a minute this is what you
do one of the first
things you want to do is you want to romance so you get out you get you get out
your george michael
uh cassette tape no this is the thing okay certain things don't change certain
things don't change
okay one night stand you never ever ever repeat ever go down on somebody you
don't do anything okay
i don't even kiss them one night stand you go in you talk shit you pull their
fucking hair you bend
them over and you put on a condom and you bang them that's what it is what am i
trying to
and be a gentleman we're here to fuck we are fucking you do it just the way
prostitutes do that's why
prostitutes you know that there's no fucking kissing anything did you want to
bang me put a condom on
and you just do the act you don't fucking you don't try to sit there and
impress them
you put on garden gardener gloves you finger pop them a little bit
don't ever don't ever i'm trying to help other guys don't ever go down on a
woman you don't know
ever you shouldn't do it ever and you should wait until you guys are in a
serious relationship and then
have her get tested and make sure that th