Name: Bill Burr & Nia - Church is Bulls**t
Uploaded: 2023-03-25T16:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Church is Bulls**t' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia - Church is Bulls**t' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-25. Transcript available.

uh all right here we go all right bill one of my best friends has been going to
church for years
and previously it has never bothered me at all oh jeez um i grew up
i grew up catholic and like so many catholics i got raped no kidding i no
longer i no longer
attend church but it doesn't bother me in the least if someone else wants to go
this guy is
the exact mindset that i am except i make fun of people who go to church a
little bit a little bit
a few months ago my friend started asking me if i would like to go to church
with him
gay uh i play bill i politely declare that that's that's a gay thing to do and
i don't mean i don't
mean how is it gay to ask someone to go to church with you because you're both
going to be wearing
sweaters you're going to be singing songs you are the most ridiculous person
hallelujah
you're going to sit there and sing with your friend wearing a sweater and then
the priest up
there god knows what he did is gonna be like he had a beard and some long hair
and he cured a leper
none of you guys can do that so you better give us some money hallelujah
you are not making fun of mass right now it's nothing sacred to you it's
nothing yes there are some
things that are sacred like what not none of that horse shit that oogly boogly
it's not
it's not oogly boogly it's a hymn well it's like a call and response i'll tell
you what's
sacred i'll tell you what's sacred you asked a question now you're getting the
answer toots
i'll tell you what's sacred what's sacred is how you go out in the playoffs the
celtics went out
with heart we still lost our we still got our asses kicked we still got our asses
kicked
we still got our asses kicked all right but there was no quit in that team all
right okay that's
sacred what's sacrilegious is what the lakers did and i'm not disrespecting the
franchise i'm
saying what the couple of those and it wasn't all of them what uh it was really
what bynum did
i didn't think what odom did was bad all right can you just finish reading the
question
jesus christ really all of a sudden you're dictating it you asked me why so he
wants to
go to church with me with him i repeat gay i politely declined dude i'm not
doing that
shit um stop filling in the blanks with your own commentary that's not a part
of the letter
because you're presenting it in a biased fashion just read it and then give
your opinion you see
this this is a classic broad it's like i've been doing this
for four years and you're telling me how to run it yeah you have no idea how
many moron guys are
going to send in hate mail because of that because not because you're a jerk
because some other
well they're morons so i don't give a shit this is this fucking elitist
attitude
um since then my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the
word of god stop saying it
like that and continues to ask me to go they got him he drank the kool-aid now
he's a zombie
and as time passes he's getting more aggressive with his sales pitch
that means he's probably reaching out and like touching his hand
what started off with him just slipping it into casual conversation is allowed
now led me to
receiving text messages that say the following this means more to you this
means more to me than you
know god has poured out love to me and he is reaching out to you also ignore if
you must but there is a lot at stake here
wow yeah no he that's a little one yeah he's buying into that jesus is coming
back okay and this time
he's not fucking around this time it's personal yeah he okay so so he's buying
into the rapture yes i get
it that this hippie is going to come back on a stegosaurus and just start
killing people killing
people what they say what they say is wrong he's going to come back wrath one
of the deadly sins
judges judgment is mine said it the lord he's the son he's the donald trump he's
got the
fuck he's got a comb over at this point coming out of heaven he didn't make
that money he didn't make
the fucking world he's just a loud jackass hey fuck fuck you know whatever cast
me into the the
fucking pits i don't give a shit you know you think i want to hang out with you
in heaven forever just
going isn't this awesome yeah it is awesome can you please finish the letter
all right what started
off okay so here we go uh to be uh to this i i replied honestly it's it if it's
my choice i don't
want to go please stop asking me about it i don't know how many more ways i can
request that there you
go okay he responded with i'll hold off but know this god loves you and will
not quit if i do
okay well then there's no reason to hit me two times let's just let god do it
all right
anyways here comes my question bill why does this piss me off so much why do
these why do these cults
do uh what do these cults do to these people he's involved with the church that
people do joke around
with and call a cult what would you do if you were me at this point i don't
even want to talk to this
guy because these conversations are infuriating me um yeah i would i would cut
this guy out of your life
yeah it's it's it's annoying this is why you feel that way no but this is his
friend really annoying
this is his friend this is his friend and he and he what he wants to get him
out of the cult so the
thing is is if you go to him and you try to get him out of it you're just going
to drive him further
into it so what you do is just say you just stop being friends with him you
know and hope that that'll
help because they're not going to go out of that then he's not going to leave
it if you ask him to leave
it yeah i don't know you never you never know but yeah he needs to just cut him
out because yeah
there's no you can't unless he wants to spend the rest of his time with this
guy debating catholicism
or whatever which i'm sure he doesn't want to do then yeah he should just cut
him off personally i would
still hang out with him you would just so you could get into debates with him
no and i i would just do
unbelievably satanic and annoying that's a good idea i would i would maybe you
should do that i would
always have like shout at the devil playing you know or maybe just that
beginning cheesy
thing you should invite him to a restaurant and it turns out to be like a strip
club
and see what he does yeah but you're gonna see the titties on the outside
gentleman's club
that's true no i wouldn't do that i would just i would hang out with him and
hang out with i would
keep saying that i want to get involved in the church and i would keep going to
events and as they
were going you know i just feel so filled up with god's love i would then be
you want to talk about
filled up i would fucking jerked off into this chick's mouth i'm telling you
william burr she had
a big bass mouth and i don't know maybe it was a couple days since the last
time i fucking
you know let him loose but i right up to the brim she was a champion she
swallowed i'm sorry what were you
saying this is why you're going to hell oh why don't you pray for me i will
these people these people
yeah all all those all those things are like uh they're just they're the i don't
know it's it's
it's too complicated it's a cult i mean if it works for you you know i think
they just like wearing those
old clothes you know must be nice to drive a bicycle you were never wearing a
tarp with your balls
banging against the fucking seat when you were growing up did you never i was
an altar boy i was
an altar girl yeah i was an altar boy yeah that's the name of my my new book shuster
i was an altar
boy yeah and uh i remember i used to do i'd sit there and i would ring the
bells yep you know did you
ever have to do the incense where you have to take that ball that's on a string
it looks like one of
those medieval torture devices you know yeah i was i you know what it was
incense i did that chick i
was so bored in mass you know i wanted to be involved i wanted to get up on
stage i wanted to say
something attention whore yeah but you don't get to say anything when you're an
altar boy yeah i had
one priest he used to do the fucking homily then he would ask he would give us
a lecture about some
shit about the the uh uh used to cranians or whatever the christocranians the
these you know
these fucking people from a long time ago and he'd be giving you this speech
and you're going oh god
he's gonna ask me questions on this and he would be like he would just be doing
the homily then we
he'd be doing the homily and just be like and mr burr what is it like you just
start quizzing you and
the fucking crowd would be laughing when i fucked up the jokes and i love not
the jokes the the
questions and i loved it beat the shit out of sitting there standing kneeling
doing all that
and um and i really bought into it when i was younger i really bought into it i
thought it was
good i thought it was the right fucking thing to do and uh then i got older and
i started reading
and i traveled and i realized this is just a bunch of bullshit and i read into
the history of the church
and i was like wow these guys aren't exactly uh what they say that they are you
know it's kind
of like a lot like taco bell who doesn't like taco bell then i do my little
shoot out there in new
mexico and uh there was some big strike they had out there because they're not
paying any of those
fucking workers that pick the goddamn tomatoes that go into them okay okay did
you go to a catholic
school when did this become inside bill's studio did i go to catholic school
this whole thing is inside
bill's studio i didn't know you running your yap for like 90 minutes no i just
went off on like a
monologue for five minutes you just go and go and go uh no i was asking because
i went to catholic
school so yeah it's a whole thing it's too complicated to get into but yeah so
what was that
that's it that's it that's why you stopped the whole point you know what it is
you just like
talking into a microphone i do that's what it is it's fun okay well listen i
have to get on with
the podcast here are you kicking me out i'm not kicking you out i'm asking you
politely to leave
so i can go back to running my yet good thank you very much yeah everybody
thank you for coming by
that segment was brought to you by my balls
i'm gonna go back to you by my balls and i'm gonna go back to you by my balls
and i'm gonna go back to you
i'm gonna go back to you by my balls and i'm gonna go back to you by my balls
and i'm gonna go back to you
and i'm gonna go back to you by my balls and i'm gonna go back to you by my
balls and i'm gonna go back to you