Name: Bill Burr - Stop Being a Nice Guy
Uploaded: 2023-03-26T17:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stop Being a Nice Guy' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stop Being a Nice Guy' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-26. Transcript available.

uh all right bill let me paint you this picture for a moment i used to be
terrible with girls i
was always a nice guy but that gets you nowhere oh jesus exactly girls always
said i was really
nice but uh they were never interested this was because i lacked confidence and
wasn't sure of
myself there you go look at this guy taking responsibility for himself that's
exactly it
so as time went on i got a few practice girls in my confidence inevitably grew
and i started doing
well there you go right there all you youngsters young guys out there nice guys
trying to get
fucking laid there it is that's page one right there you're a nice guy you're
fucking boring them
all right you got to be a little bit of a dick right nia as you walk in and try
to have respect
for the podcast how much look at you i can see it on your face right now she's
doing that classic
girl thing where she's trying not to smile and she's rolling her fucking eyes
and you know it
you got to be a little bit of a cocky asshole you got to come up you got to
insult them a little bit
no
yeah you do like if i saw you right now even though i like your outfit i would
walk up to you and be like
what did you come straight from work that's how you dress when you come out you're
like what i'm just
fucking with you what are you drinking
right out of the gate come right out put your balls right on the fucking table
take a look at him sweetie
i'm just trying to gross you out no whatever you got a charmer do what you
gotta do i don't like your
fucking sandals i don't like them i've been meaning to tell you ow that was a
good one right in the
fucking leg beat it see that she just gave me the finger as she walked out see
right there that's the
little ebb and flow you have to have in your relationship see if you're always
complimenting
them you know what women are like they're like dogs right
this is a record for me i've gone 46 minutes without trashing women
um yeah they're like dogs they really are as much as they try to say we're like
dogs people are just
like fucking dogs you can't reward them all the goddamn time stroke in the back
of their goddamn head
next thing you know they're shitting on the rug
be once in a while i got to give them a little discipline tell them you don't
like what they're
wearing um anyways so here was a guy he figured it out why am i not getting
laid i don't have
confidence so what do i need to do i need to go out there and get some at bats
that's what you do
you go out there and you start talking some shit and you're gonna bomb and you're
gonna embarrass
yourself but eventually you're gonna push through and all those times you
embarrassed yourself they're
just they're just gonna become they're just gonna they're just gonna be funny
stories to tell
um gosh do i have a funny one i remember when i used to try to go to dance
clubs which totally
weren't my scene because not only was i not good looking enough to be in there
i didn't know how to dance and couldn't dance and i would just walk up to girls
and my opening line
was i would yell hey do you want to dance and then they would go no and then i
would walk away
oh and it would take me at least another 40 minutes if i did to get the courage
to approach another one
and that's the thing you broads don't fucking appreciate you know what do you
got to do huh you
got to sit there and pluck your hoo-hahs and pick the right fucking colored thong
make sure it matches
your bra you get to do all of that in private we got to sit there and basically
it's like doing stand-up
the only way to learn how to do is you have to go on stage and just eat your
balls you got a bomb
um i don't know i guess it all gets made up because they get pregnant and they
got to deal with that
fucking shit you know and forget about the pain of pregnancy can you imagine
another thing growing
inside of you jesus i would go to the doctor and be like get this out of me
this this virus
i can it's it's eating my guts no no no that's what's supposed to happen get it
out get it out
um all right anyways let's continue here so uh time went on and i realize how
ignorant all that's
that was all right ladies ladies it's ladies night today it's ladies day
morning on the monday
morning podcast i should have a ladies morning shouldn't i a ladies night on
the monday morning
podcast you know and i'll play clips i should do that and just be honoring you
while i fucking just
trash you in my own roundabout cunty way that's what i'll do i'll just play
all right i'm back i just ran out of battery power god damn it i was on a nice
roll there
that always makes the editing difficult i apologize everybody the fuck happened
um you know what's funny
too is i went and i and i bought a whole bunch of these double-a batteries you
know my girls like we
need more double-a batteries see my double-a battery so i'm always using them
right so i go down to the
goddamn cvs and i buy like this big fucking 12 pack of them 12 double-a
batteries
i go up to the package just like one left fucking goddamn goddamn women no
matter what you buy it's
not enough it's never a i just go take a battery out of some goddamn thing that
she owns no not a
vibrator you fucking filthy assholes it's actually this baby monitor so we can
watch the dog in here
which crate training the motherfucker um so we sit here and watch this why we
couldn't we just use our
laptops and skyped it you know sent the signal up to the fucking satellite
whatever let's get back on
track here i swear to god if i bought the 24 pack there would still only be one
left well i just replaced
the batteries and everything just in case why is it illegal to slap you okay
let's play that's so
me i would never do that okay ladies let's relax all right so let's let's plow
ahead here let me let
me get through the advice here so i can watch the monday night football which
you guys are probably
already doing um so anyways so this guy here so as time went on i got my
confidence i started doing
well i reserved the right uh oh anyways he said you know i didn't become cocky
i started acting like
i'm god's gift to women because i know i'm you know i'm not that mentality and
it's for dickheads
uh so anyways this guy's been through a considerable amount of women i'm trying
to paraphrase here
because this is a really long email he ends up meeting this girl everything's
going great
um he's having a good time with her after some time this guy's from ireland he
says after some time
uh the blowjobs and sex all together had started to diminish i had to paraphrase
because he wrote a
ton of information there basically he meets this girl everything's going great
they're basically
drinking and fucking and everything's often and then you know it starts tapering
off so um so it starts
tapering off and she started to use sex as a weapon uh she would play mental
games with me and it and i'd
end up feeling like a bastard when she'd shoot me down for sex i'd say that's
cool i don't mind then i
excuse myself go to the bathroom and crack one out there you go sir that's what
you do you know and when
you get to that fucking kevin spacey beautiful mind level you rub one out right
in front of her
never i've never done that but i think that that's awesome um anyways he goes
uh so anyways i still
got the after the barrel but she wasn't involved and when i tried to talk to
her calmly about what she
was see what she was thinking on how she was feeling it would never go well she
would turn on the waterworks
and play the victim even though she was the one who instigated the mindfucking
i'm not sure what her
object objective was because the concept of emotional blackmail is a foreign
concept to me
um i'd always try to approach everything with a rational under understanding
basis so that she wouldn't
feel targeted or threatened um i should also add that it took a lot for me to
sit down calmly and talk while
accepting criticism from her as i'm a very direct and often angry fella well
that's the only red flag
there other than that you seem like you take your shit and you give it as well
you got to watch the
anger dude trust me i i can speak volumes of that uh i'm not the best guy in
the world so you can imagine
how difficult it was not to punch her in her cunt face okay this is getting a
little uglier uh as soon as
she started crying as i see crying as a schoolyard scapegoat for girls to get
what they want because
they know men don't know how to handle it all right i'll i'm with you with
everything right up to
there sometimes women do cry because they're upset they do have uh access to
that emotion
more than we do and i know but i know that angry feeling you have where you're
like
this is how you have to gauge that is basically if they cry every time then you
can call
bullshit but if they only cry once in a fucking blue moon then you have to
realize that you've
really upset them and yeah and then you just got to deal with that that fucking
awkwardness of
not knowing what to do and then also feeling like a bully but there's nothing
worse i will agree with
you that if you're right and you haven't done anything wrong and then they
start crying and then
you know you can't be a dick in that moment but you don't that doesn't mean you
have just because
they're crying doesn't mean you have to apologize if you're right you don't
have to apologize
uh but there is that thing where if you make a female cry i mean if you're any
sort of a guy
it's very difficult to just stand there and be like what what i don't give a
fuck you're crying go ahead cry some more huh like you're that guy in uh the
great santini you're
gonna shed a few start bouncing a basketball off the back of their head you can't
be that guy
all right so let's plow ahead here um and anyways females if you want to chime
in there uh ladies
um what's the deal with the crying like what percentage of it is
bullshit can i get an honest fucking woman out there i mean god knows guys we
have our techniques
to get out of shit and they're fucking pathetic and you see right through them
and i know right now you're like why are you just rubbing their fucking muffs
right now because that's
a strategy to win arguments you just keep feeding their fucking ego there's a
lot of women out there who
really believe that guys are so fucking dumb that they can't get anything past
them and that's a great
place for them to continue existing as far as i'm concerned um oh yeah yeah no
one can get anything
by you you're just fucking yeah you're the fucking goddamn world police with
you know you have a vagina
you know everything yeah i can't get anything by you you are all powerful i bow
down in front of thee um
you know it was funny about that yet any magazine out there can just you know
fashion magazine can just
tap into their fucking insecurities and get them to buy the dumbest stupidest
fucking war paint to put on
their fucking face because some emaciated i don't know knee knocked pigeon toed
fucking drugged up twat
is wearing it but you can't get you know you can't get anything past them yet
that's great my voice just
cracked right there can't get anything past them um i'm sorry i'm actually
getting over a cold if you
haven't if you can't tell how did you get the cold bill was it from traveling
the country and doing all that
press no it isn't it's because i played a game of football in the fucking rain
in street clothes before monday
night football last week i'm sorry i was amped up um anyways let's plow ahead
so uh basically this
guy deals with her for the next two fucking months and he finally ends up just
saying he woke up one
day and said get your shite out of my flat this this is over i can't deal with
these mind games so
what do i get to his question here um anyways i don't have much of an ego i
like to accept my
faults you know what dude you've said that one too many times where i'm
starting to think maybe you do
and maybe this woman is buried in a new fucking turnip garden in your backyard
i like to accept my
faults and admit what i have done is wrong and learn from it so as not to make
the same mistakes over and
over again my question is bill how do i get them to up and stop testing my
patients
and how do i meet someone who doesn't want to control me with their games um
i don't know dude i i half of this i'm really going with you when you seem like
an introspective
person and the other half you've worded this kind of like a psycho how do you
get them to
fuck up and stop testing your pain like testing your patience that's kind of
like a i pictured dick
cheney type guy saying something like that what the fuck do i know basically i
don't know what your
problem is in this email okay you dated a girl she started playing mind games
with you and all it was
was after two months you were like fuck this pack up your shit and get out of
my life
um so be one thing if you were still in the relationship then i would say that
you have
problems but you don't you uh you met a psycho so what i would say is uh
i don't know just stay single stay single right now and wait till you find
someone who doesn't uh
try to mind you the problem is you sound like a younger guy and the problem is
is what you're learning
is that the crazy girls they they're really down for anything when it comes to
sex and uh that's
really hard to resist in your 20s so uh what i would say is in the future is
when you meet a girl like
that is not to get involved in a fucking relationship but uh you know bang them
and you know get your
stories out because it'll prevent you from having a midlife crisis later on in
life am i helping you out
i don't know i mean i'm kind of giving you shit here but i'm also uh i'm trying
you know what i'm
really doing right here is you're basically bearing the brunt of the fact that
i've trashed women so
much in the last 10 minutes i have to try to seem like i'm balanced here and
that i don't understand
exactly what the fuck you're saying um but i think i think you're fine she
tried to play that mind game
with you you didn't lose your shit you said according to you anyways you said i'm
fine you went in
you rubbed one out you banged her for two fucking months and one day you're
like what am i doing
and you just said yeah pack up your shit and get out of here so um i would not
this woman is not
a good example of uh of a good woman all right so don't try to don't act like
all women are like this
like i have for a long time and like i do every week on my podcast just for
comedic purposes
i like trashing them it's fun and it's childish but they're not all like that
if you're young
there's still great girls out there go out and go find them and uh i don't know
make a list of what
you're looking for and then you also have to realize dude that you know
everybody's gonna
come with their faults like you with your temper

Bill Burr - Stop Being a Nice Guy

uh all right bill let me paint you this picture for a moment i used to be
terrible with girls i
was always a nice guy but that gets you nowhere oh jesus exactly girls always
said i was really
nice but uh they were never interested this was because i lacked confidence and
wasn't sure of
myself there you go look at this guy taking responsibility for himself that's
exactly it
so as time went on i got a few practice girls in my confidence inevitably grew
and i started doing
well there you go right there all you youngsters young guys out there nice guys
trying to get
fucking laid there it is that's page one right there you're a nice guy you're
fucking boring them
all right you got to be a little bit of a dick right nia as you walk in and try
to have respect
for the podcast how much look at you i can see it on your face right now she's
doing that classic
girl thing where she's trying not to smile and she's rolling her fucking eyes
and you know it
you got to be a little bit of a cocky asshole you got to come up you got to
insult them a little bit
no
yeah you do like if i saw you right now even though i like your outfit i would
walk up to you and be like
what did you come straight from work that's how you dress when you come out you're
like what i'm just
fucking with you what are you drinking
right out of the gate come right out put your balls right on the fucking table
take a look at him sweetie
i'm just trying to gross you out no whatever you got a charmer do what you
gotta do i don't like your
fucking sandals i don't like them i've been meaning to tell you ow that was a
good one right in the
fucking leg beat it see that she just gave me the finger as she walked out see
right there that's the
little ebb and flow you have to have in your relationship see if you're always
complimenting
them you know what women are like they're like dogs right
this is a record for me i've gone 46 minutes without trashing women
um yeah they're like dogs they really are as much as they try to say we're like
dogs people are just
like fucking dogs you can't reward them all the goddamn time stroke in the back
of their goddamn head
next thing you know they're shitting on the rug
be once in a while i got to give them a little discipline tell them you don't
like what they're
wearing um anyways so here was a guy he figured it out why am i not getting
laid i don't have
confidence so what do i need to do i need to go out there and get some at bats
that's what you do
you go out there and you start talking some shit and you're gonna bomb and you're
gonna embarrass
yourself but eventually you're gonna push through and all those times you
embarrassed yourself they're
just they're just gonna become they're just gonna they're just gonna be funny
stories to tell
um gosh do i have a funny one i remember when i used to try to go to dance
clubs which totally
weren't my scene because not only was i not good looking enough to be in there
i didn't know how to dance and couldn't dance and i would just walk up to girls
and my opening line
was i would yell hey do you want to dance and then they would go no and then i
would walk away
oh and it would take me at least another 40 minutes if i did to get the courage
to approach another one
and that's the thing you broads don't fucking appreciate you know what do you
got to do huh you
got to sit there and pluck your hoo-hahs and pick the right fucking colored thong
make sure it matches
your bra you get to do all of that in private we got to sit there and basically
it's like doing stand-up
the only way to learn how to do is you have to go on stage and just eat your
balls you got a bomb
um i don't know i guess it all gets made up because they get pregnant and they
got to deal with that
fucking shit you know and forget about the pain of pregnancy can you imagine
another thing growing
inside of you jesus i would go to the doctor and be like get this out of me
this this virus
i can it's it's eating my guts no no no that's what's supposed to happen get it
out get it out
um all right anyways let's continue here so uh time went on and i realize how
ignorant all that's
that was all right ladies ladies it's ladies night today it's ladies day
morning on the monday
morning podcast i should have a ladies morning shouldn't i a ladies night on
the monday morning
podcast you know and i'll play clips i should do that and just be honoring you
while i fucking just
trash you in my own roundabout cunty way that's what i'll do i'll just play
all right i'm back i just ran out of battery power god damn it i was on a nice
roll there
that always makes the editing difficult i apologize everybody the fuck happened
um you know what's funny
too is i went and i and i bought a whole bunch of these double-a batteries you
know my girls like we
need more double-a batteries see my double-a battery so i'm always using them
right so i go down to the
goddamn cvs and i buy like this big fucking 12 pack of them 12 double-a
batteries
i go up to the package just like one left fucking goddamn goddamn women no
matter what you buy it's
not enough it's never a i just go take a battery out of some goddamn thing that
she owns no not a
vibrator you fucking filthy assholes it's actually this baby monitor so we can
watch the dog in here
which crate training the motherfucker um so we sit here and watch this why we
couldn't we just use our
laptops and skyped it you know sent the signal up to the fucking satellite
whatever let's get back on
track here i swear to god if i bought the 24 pack there would still only be one
left well i just replaced
the batteries and everything just in case why is it illegal to slap you okay
let's play that's so
me i would never do that okay ladies let's relax all right so let's let's plow
ahead here let me let
me get through the advice here so i can watch the monday night football which
you guys are probably
already doing um so anyways so this guy here so as time went on i got my
confidence i started doing
well i reserved the right uh oh anyways he said you know i didn't become cocky
i started acting like
i'm god's gift to women because i know i'm you know i'm not that mentality and
it's for dickheads
uh so anyways this guy's been through a considerable amount of women i'm trying
to paraphrase here
because this is a really long email he ends up meeting this girl everything's
going great
um he's having a good time with her after some time this guy's from ireland he
says after some time
uh the blowjobs and sex all together had started to diminish i had to paraphrase
because he wrote a
ton of information there basically he meets this girl everything's going great
they're basically
drinking and fucking and everything's often and then you know it starts tapering
off so um so it starts
tapering off and she started to use sex as a weapon uh she would play mental
games with me and it and i'd
end up feeling like a bastard when she'd shoot me down for sex i'd say that's
cool i don't mind then i
excuse myself go to the bathroom and crack one out there you go sir that's what
you do you know and when
you get to that fucking kevin spacey beautiful mind level you rub one out right
in front of her
never i've never done that but i think that that's awesome um anyways he goes
uh so anyways i still
got the after the barrel but she wasn't involved and when i tried to talk to
her calmly about what she
was see what she was thinking on how she was feeling it would never go well she
would turn on the waterworks
and play the victim even though she was the one who instigated the mindfucking
i'm not sure what her
object objective was because the concept of emotional blackmail is a foreign
concept to me
um i'd always try to approach everything with a rational under understanding
basis so that she wouldn't
feel targeted or threatened um i should also add that it took a lot for me to
sit down calmly and talk while
accepting criticism from her as i'm a very direct and often angry fella well
that's the only red flag
there other than that you seem like you take your shit and you give it as well
you got to watch the
anger dude trust me i i can speak volumes of that uh i'm not the best guy in
the world so you can imagine
how difficult it was not to punch her in her cunt face okay this is getting a
little uglier uh as soon as
she started crying as i see crying as a schoolyard scapegoat for girls to get
what they want because
they know men don't know how to handle it all right i'll i'm with you with
everything right up to
there sometimes women do cry because they're upset they do have uh access to
that emotion
more than we do and i know but i know that angry feeling you have where you're
like
this is how you have to gauge that is basically if they cry every time then you
can call
bullshit but if they only cry once in a fucking blue moon then you have to
realize that you've
really upset them and yeah and then you just got to deal with that that fucking
awkwardness of
not knowing what to do and then also feeling like a bully but there's nothing
worse i will agree with
you that if you're right and you haven't done anything wrong and then they
start crying and then
you know you can't be a dick in that moment but you don't that doesn't mean you
have just because
they're crying doesn't mean you have to apologize if you're right you don't
have to apologize
uh but there is that thing where if you make a female cry i mean if you're any
sort of a guy
it's very difficult to just stand there and be like what what i don't give a
fuck you're crying go ahead cry some more huh like you're that guy in uh the
great santini you're
gonna shed a few start bouncing a basketball off the back of their head you can't
be that guy
all right so let's plow ahead here um and anyways females if you want to chime
in there uh ladies
um what's the deal with the crying like what percentage of it is
bullshit can i get an honest fucking woman out there i mean god knows guys we
have our techniques
to get out of shit and they're fucking pathetic and you see right through them
and i know right now you're like why are you just rubbing their fucking muffs
right now because that's
a strategy to win arguments you just keep feeding their fucking ego there's a
lot of women out there who
really believe that guys are so fucking dumb that they can't get anything past
them and that's a great
place for them to continue existing as far as i'm concerned um oh yeah yeah no
one can get anything
by you you're just fucking yeah you're the fucking goddamn world police with
you know you have a vagina
you know everything yeah i can't get anything by you you are all powerful i bow
down in front of thee um
you know it was funny about that yet any magazine out there can just you know
fashion magazine can just
tap into their fucking insecurities and get them to buy the dumbest stupidest
fucking war paint to put on
their fucking face because some emaciated i don't know knee knocked pigeon toed
fucking drugged up twat
is wearing it but you can't get you know you can't get anything past them yet
that's great my voice just
cracked right there can't get anything past them um i'm sorry i'm actually
getting over a cold if you
haven't if you can't tell how did you get the cold bill was it from traveling
the country and doing all that
press no it isn't it's because i played a game of football in the fucking rain
in street clothes before monday
night football last week i'm sorry i was amped up um anyways let's plow ahead
so uh basically this
guy deals with her for the next two fucking months and he finally ends up just
saying he woke up one
day and said get your shite out of my flat this this is over i can't deal with
these mind games so
what do i get to his question here um anyways i don't have much of an ego i
like to accept my
faults you know what dude you've said that one too many times where i'm
starting to think maybe you do
and maybe this woman is buried in a new fucking turnip garden in your backyard
i 