Name: Bill Burr & Nia
Uploaded: 2023-04-04T17:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-04. Transcript available.

I don't know, my girl's like, let's go get something to eat.
And I said, all right, there's a fucking McDonald's right there.
And she's like, do you want to eat there?
And Soda was looking down at the ground all sad, you know.
Just doing that classic female manipulation thing.
She knew I wanted to eat there.
I just said there's a McDonald's there.
And then why would she say, do you want to eat there?
And look down at the ground.
This question is for all the young male listeners of my Whispering Podcast.
Why would a female do that?
I'll tell you why.
Because she doesn't want to, not only does she not want to fucking eat there,
she already has a place where she wants to eat.
She's already had this place that she's wanted to eat at
for probably a month before you ever went to Vegas.
But she's not going to tell you about it.
Because if she told you about it, that'd give you time to do research on it
and find out how fucking expensive it was.
So she's like, do you want to eat there?
And she looks down at the ground.
So immediately, despite the fact that I know all this about females,
I take the bait.
Why?
Where do you want to eat, sweetheart?
Um, this is Burger Place at Mandalay Bay.
I heard it was really nice.
Do you ever watch Top Chef?
Uh, only when you're watching it, sweetheart.
I don't like that show.
The fucking show is annoying.
I hate when the chef starts screaming at those people.
It's a fucking foreign accent.
You call that a fucking grilled cheese sandwich?
Get the fuck out of my kitchen.
Hey, hey, you think I'm fucking afraid of you?
You fucking douche.
You got a fucking problem with my grilled cheese sandwich.
You come up like a fucking gentleman and you take me aside.
Don't fucking be screaming at me when I got these fucking knives in my hand.
I'll stick it right through your goddamn trachea.
What do you think about that?
Huh?
I'll give you a fucking blowhole right out the front of your fucking neck.
Get out of my goddamn face before I take your fucking hair and mush your face
into this pile of shrimp.
Huh?
That I haven't taken the shells off.
So I'll give you a bunch of little razor cuts.
Sorry.
Well, that's the good shit at Mandalay Bay.
The bad shit is we go to this fucking burger place.
I can't even remember the name of it.
We go in there and I order a $16.50 fucking Kobe beef burger.
And they're talking about how it's the greatest goddamn burger.
You know, the highest quality fucking meat.
Yada fucking yada.
My girl orders one too.
$16.50 and $16.50.
What is that, kids?
That's $33.
Plus fries, plus drinks, all that bullshit.
You know, the mob doesn't run Vegas anymore.
You can't go out and get yourself a $2 steak.
The whole fucking place out there now is a goddamn, it's a fuck over.
So whatever.
Cost me like 40-something bucks, 50 bucks with the goddamn tip.
I eat it.
You know what?
It wasn't even that good.
My girl's like, how's your burger?
You know what I said?
I said, it's good.
Just keeping the peace.
Keeping the water nice and smooth.
Nice and fucking still on the horizon.
Okay?
Okay?
So anyways, I get back to my hotel.
My girl already tells me she doesn't feel too good.
That that burger's sitting in her like a goddamn boot.
And I'm like, you know what?
I feel fine.
I get ready to do my show.
Iron my button-down shirt.
Put a little conditioner in my hair.
What's left of it?
Shape it up a little.
And I head downstairs to go work the Orleans Casino.
The last place Carlin ever worked.
The place where the Smothers Brothers retired.
You know?
Smothers Brothers, who were so fucking edgy, they actually lost their sketch
show.
During the Vietnam War, they did, I forget what the sketch was, but they had
the balls
to say no to the network and do a sketch that was actually criticizing what the
fuck we were
doing over there and they lost their goddamn show.
You know?
I don't know about you guys, but for me, that's lifetime respect.
So anyways, I walk down there and I'm going through the Orleans Casino and then
all of
a sudden it just fucking hits me.
Boom!
Right in my stomach.
Like some capsule.
Some time-release CIA.
You're gonna shit your pants.
Fucking capsule goes off.
And I know there is no question that whatever I just ate was not good for my
body and it
was about to reject it.
One way or the other.
Without getting crude, people, when something goes into your stomach, if it's
coming,
out, it only has two options.
All right?
Anyways.
I just thought of a really, really bad joke for the fucking third one and I'm
not gonna
say it, but it involved stabbing yourself in the stomach and you can fill in
the blanks
on that one.
All right.
So anyways, you gotta be fucking, you gotta be shitting me.
No pun intended.
So I go in the back way, the same way that Carlin used to go in, because I've
already
asked everybody every fucking question.
Literally, this is how much I'm into Carlin.
How did he leave?
Did he hang out?
No.
He'd say goodnight and he would go right out the door and he'd be in the car
and he
wasn't difficult to work with.
I guess he had arthritis at the end of his life and the sound guy was saying
one show
he forgot to take the bottle caps off the water bottles and he saw that Carlin
was struggling
with them.
And when he got off, he goes, George, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
And Joe was just like, what?
What?
Oh, come on, come on.
I don't give a shit.
Don't worry.
He just walked out.
I guess he was a really great guy.
So anyways, I'm walking through this legendary door.
And, uh, you know, and what's worse is like, I know it's going to happen, but I
know it's
not going to happen for like another 15 minutes and coincidentally, the fucking
show starts
in 15 minutes and I'm going on first.
All right.
And this guy, when you're backstage, literally says 20 minutes till showtime,
20 minutes till
showtime.
He like counts it down.
I never get nervous before shows, but this guy counting down the show is making
me nervous.
15 minutes till showtime.
Okay.
And it's starting to get worse and fuck, it literally gets down to two minutes
before
showtime.
And I'm questioning, can I make it through a half hour set?
And I was like, you know what?
Fuck this.
The show can't start without me.
My opening music is Elvis Presley.
Anyways, the fuck do I care?
They can listen to that song.
I'm going to rub my fingers through your long black hair.
Slam your fucking face off the fucking sink.
Oh, I don't give a shit.
And I said, fuck it.
And I fucking ran into the bathroom and I will spare you the details.
But you know, when something either amazing or something amazing happens, they
make a statue.
If something horrific happens, a lot of times they will preserve the area.
You know, like Dealey Plaza.
Fucking president gets his brains blown out.
All of a sudden, we can't change one blade of fucking grass.
The horror that happened in that fucking bathroom, ladies and gentlemen.
I never do shit jokes.
They should have retired that fucking bathroom.
That's it.
They should have just fucking air sealed it and just put a glass fucking door
so people
could look in and realize why they closed that fucking burger joint at the Mandalay
Bay.
And, uh, I gotta admit, dude, I haven't, this is Monday.
I'm finally back to normal.
So there you go.
There's my big shit story.
I had a burger over at the fucking Mandalay Bay.
And it almost ruined my fucking show over at the Orleans.
So if you guys saw me, anybody saw me Saturday night?
All right?
You want to talk about a professional because I extra fucking killed on that
show.
If you knew what the fuck happened, just know that.
The next time you go to Vegas and you go to see Barry Manilow and he's singing
that song,
Mandy, you something, you something, and you something, but I still want to
fuck you.
Oh, Mandy, right?
Just know that he could have just been shitting his fucking brains out two
minutes before he
put on his rayon fucking slacks with his horrific plastic surgery, his yanked
back face.
I bet, you know, I was going to say he'd need another facelift if he fucking
shit the way
I did before my show, but that's actually not true.
There's no strain.
There was no straining.
Okay.