Name: Bill Burr Advice - I Went to Jail on Purpose to Hook up with Men
Uploaded: 2023-04-12T17:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - I Went to Jail on Purpose to Hook up with Men' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - I Went to Jail on Purpose to Hook up with Men' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-12. Transcript available.

I am a hideous human being.
Dear Bill, I'll be straight to the point.
I am 25 years old, and I have been a closet homosexual for as long as I can
remember.
Well, dude, you're gay, so you were gay the second you were born.
That's like me being, I'm a straight as long as I can remember.
I guess you've been in the closet, is what you're trying to say.
I don't know, you confuse me.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is another example of me being dumb.
Maybe I read the sentence wrong.
Who knows?
Who cares?
Let's continue.
Sentence number three.
I come from a strict Asian immigrant family, and my parents would commit
suicide if they found out about my orientation.
You know, I got scared when I saw the first, you know orientation?
If you take off the shun and put the L there, that was the word that I thought
oriental was coming on, and I was going to get in trouble here.
Therefore, I've been committing petty crimes for the past few years to get into
jail so I could pursue and nurture my homosexuality.
Homosexuality.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
I'm calling bullshit.
I'll answer this, but I'm calling bullshit on this one.
But there is something.
I got to tell you, though, this is a very unique lie.
So this could actually be true.
You know what?
I'm going to go with this like it's true, just in case it is true, and I don't
want to be yet another person turning my back on this person.
All right, so here we go.
Recently, I was locked up after I took three tabs of acid, and I don't really
remember how I got into the can when I became sober.
During my trip, I saw a thousand dog bites.
Oh, when you were tripping, you saw a thousand dog bites at me from every
direction, and it was the worst drug experience of my life.
That's why I wasn't surprised when I woke up in jail.
Anyway, I was quite relieved to be away from society until eight hours later I
was released by my parents.
The cops called them while I was tripping in jail.
My question is, if it's better to be in jail happy and away from society or an
unhappy individual that satisfies his parents and social experience.
Oh, if it's better.
Dude, what are you doing?
If this is actually true, come on, man.
You got to be who you are.
All right?
And I think every day, I don't know where you live in the world, but every
single day, I just feel like the scales are tipping in the more enlightened,
favorable direction.
And you know what?
You can become a part of that tipping of the scale.
Seeing that kid who's going into the NFL, when he talked about – I read that
story how when he finally came out to his teammates,
and he felt like a cinder block came off his chest.
I know the feeling of having – carrying something around.
I don't know to that fucking level.
So, I don't think you're going to regret it.
All right?
Your parents aren't going to fucking kill themselves.
It might take them a while to come around.
All right?
But if they don't, you know what?
Fuck them.
Okay?
I think they will because at the end of the day, you're their kid.
All right?
But what the fuck do I know?
But at the end of the day, every kid at the end of the day has to make a break
with their parents on some level where your philosophies do not line up with
theirs.
And if you're truly going to pursue what's going to make you happy in life,
there has to be the cutting, you know, the metaphorical cutting of the umbilical
cord.
And you have to be like, you know what?
Fuck them.
I know when I was a little kid, to me, they were gods and I wanted their
approval.
And at the end of the day, I now realize that they're human beings and they
have their flaws.
And what they want me to do does not fit in with what I want to do.
And if you're not hurting anybody, which you're not, dude, what do you think?
You think you're going to go to jail and find love?
I mean, you're not exactly going with some healthy fucking people.
That would be like if a woman wanted to find a good boyfriend and she fucking
went to a place where guys were locked up for abusing women.
You know what I mean?
Those are some, uh, yeah, you can find a better boyfriend than that.
Just go to a gay bar, I would say, you know, or whatever.
I don't pretend to know what the fuck.
That's bad.
That's like me saying to a woman, hey, you want to meet a good guy?
Go to a bar.
Whatever.
We've reached the end of my intelligence on this topic.
We probably did about five minutes ago, but I'm too dumb to realize it.
But, dude, if this is real, I'm treating it real, although it's so fucking
crazy, I don't, I don't, I don't know.
Don't do that, all right?
If this is actually true, I'm choosing to believe it.
Don't fucking do that, all right?
For the love of God, just sit him down.
I don't know how you would do it.
You just got to sit him down and just say it.
Just get it out there.
And then you said it, and then it's out there.
And, you know, I don't know what to do after that.
You know what?
Why don't you go meet a gay guy?
I'm sure he can fucking give you some advice.
Why are you asking me?
Why am I yelling at you?
I got frustrated because I don't have the answers.
I feel bad for you if it's true, all right?
I hope it works out.
Don't fucking go to jail, all right?
Being gay is great.
You're fucking in great shape.
You got all this disposable income.
And wherever you're living, you're making the fucking property value go up.
It's a lot of advantages.
You know?