Name: Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Nia Gives Perfect Breakup Advice
Uploaded: 2023-04-21T17:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Nia Gives Perfect Breakup Advice' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Nia Gives Perfect Breakup Advice' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Here we go. Ask Bill. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it.
Oh, Jesus. Wow. I am. Let me read that again.
Let's let's all just take a deep breath and let's take that take when it's time
to change.
Let's take that one in again. I am Bill. I am currently engaged, but I'm kind
of over it.
Um, you know what? I might need the help of a female on this one. Hey, Nia. Nino.
You want to help me on this one? I got a relationship question.
You ever get the feeling your girlfriend's mad at you and you haven't even done
anything?
I think I just heard her exhale.
What's that? You can't talk because of your voice? You're making lunch? Oh,
okay.
Okay.
Yeah. I'm recording right now. Yeah. And you hit me with this attitude. I'm
sorry. She
how? What do I want? I just had a Jesus. This is getting really awkward.
Yeah. All right. My girlfriend's under the weather and I actually forgot. She
told me she was under
the weather like 20 minutes ago and that's how self-absorbed I am. Cleo, get
down. All right.
Just listen to this. Okay. Cause I think I also need like female help on this
one. Could you take your
hands off your hips and stop staring at me like that? Come on. Do you not want
to do this? If you don't
want to do it. Okay. Okay. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over
it. She just laughed.
Huh? This is a female. This is why I have you in here. Can you just talk to the
people with your
voice here? Hi, how are you? You sound like Demi Moore. I like that. You know
what? I already
talked about Andrew McCartney, right? Brought up Rob Lowe. I got the whole Brad
pack here. Why don't you,
you don't trust me. You got to look on your face like you're not trusting me.
Like I'm going to make
you look stupid. I'm not. I generally want your help on this. It's a low budget
podcast. We only have
one microphone. All right. I'm currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. Um,
I love him, but our
relationship isn't working anymore. I keep making excuses like my schedule has
changed. I'm working
and going to school. So I'm just stressed, et cetera, uh, et cetera. But, uh,
honestly, the excuses
aren't working anymore. I want us to get back to when we were having fun and
sex and not arguing.
He gets frustrated. He gets frustrated with me when I don't want to cuddle with
him at night or fuck
him at 4 a.m. When I, when I have to get up at seven in the morning to go to
work, uh, then come home
at five and cook him dinner and get to sleep by 11. And then she writes, okay,
pause in the email. Um, why
does he want to fuck or cuddle at 4 a.m. when I'm sleeping? Is this like a guy
thing? I don't understand
what he's thinking. This is my argument. It's four in the morning. Number two,
he's half asleep,
which means I'll have to wake up and get on top and do all the work. What the
fuck? Number three,
if I don't sleep, I'll be cranky in the morning. Then I'll be mad at me because
I'm being a total
bitch. And four, I'm being, uh, I like being alone. I love sleeping by myself.
Granted in the beginning,
it was fun to sleep next to him, but now I want my own bed back. I don't
understand what it is that
he's thinking. Okay. Continuing. I guess she was digressing here. I'm almost
done here. All right.
Are you enjoying this here? You're okay. She's shaking it in. She's got a very
serious look in
her face. This is why I brought her in an expert. This is like Oprah, our
relationship expert. Okay,
here we go. Uh, we are planning to move in together, but it's not a good idea
because I'm not really in
the relationship anymore. I'd rather be alone. In addition, is there an ax
murderer outside?
In addition, I just really realized that that was, yeah. All right. In addition,
um, come close to the
mic, sweetie. Here we go. Sit down, take a load off. You're not feeling well.
Um, in addition, he's the
first man I've ever had sex with. Don't read this because you read way faster
than me. Just listen
to my, the soothing tones of my awful voice. You just snorted when you laughed.
That's adorable.
She's the first, he's the only person she's ever had. Yeah. Now don't, don't
comment yet. Okay. We're
building it up. We got the listeners riveted at this point. Okay. Someone's
being hacked to death
outside. Um, in addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with. Um, I am
faithful to him, but when
we have days like these, I think, is this really as good as it gets? I'm sure
he's thinking the same
thing when I'm being an asshole. That's the femur right there. That's the, you
really got to give the
chainsaw full fucking force there. Um, oh, well they did taking out that tree
over there. Okay. Yeah.
The sick tree. We had a sick tree tree had AIDS on our block and just keeled
over. It was very sad. We, we,
we stood out there with candles. It had tree AIDS. It had tree. It was HIV
positive. I'm not making light
of AIDS. I'm making Jesus. Jesus. I don't know who to get more offended that
you're trashing Jim
Norton. You're saying that I'm ripping them off. You do not. Why is my voice
cracking? You do not. All
right. Let's get back to this. I don't know. I could totally be seeing this
from a fucked up spot.
Actually, I think I am because he's great. Now she's going back this way. She
must have her period
this week. She's all over the map. Ow. Did you really have to punch me right
fucking there? All right.
He gives me whatever I want. And as far as material things go, typical broad,
he buys me stuff.
He's great. I don't want to fuck him anymore, but look at all this stuff.
Um, um, he listens to me. Sarah, I'm taking this one seriously because I think
this girl's in a
serious situation here. Um, that's why I keep saying serious as many times as I
can in the sentence.
Seriously. Um, he listens to me whenever I whine and he has conversations with
me that show me life
from a different perspective and he's willing to work at our relationship and
is committed to me.
Those are the things that I love about him.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Right. I am getting through it.
I got to do fifth.
She just gave me the sign. Wrap it up. All right, fine. You're speaking for the
listeners. I'm going.
Uh, but I can't live like this anymore. This girl is all over the map.
I told him once that I wanted some space, like I wanted to wake up alone some
days and he blew it
out of proportion and says, okay, I'll give you plenty of space. Let's break up.
He did that shit.
Um, and then she said, I asked if that's what he wanted because that wasn't,
because that wasn't looking like the worst option in the world. Oh Jesus. But
his voice cracked and he
said, no, that's not what I want. So long story short, I'm still waking up to
him. He still asked
why we can't fuck at 4am and we're still engaged. I'm willing to say if we can
make a few adjustments
in our relationship. I'm willing to stay if we can, uh, if we can make a few
adjustments in our
relationship. Otherwise, how do I get out and hurt him the least? All right,
here we go. I brought in
a female for this one. Cause I know, I know what you want me to tell you what I'm
thinking first.
No. Okay. No, I don't. Um, she needs to break up with him. Okay. And why?
Because she doesn't love
him anymore. She's not in love with him. She recognizes all his good traits and
stuff, but
that's not a reason to stay with someone. If she can't give him what he needs.
Cause at no point
did she say, well, no, she talks about him wanting to cuddle and this and that
other. I think the 4am
doesn't mean anything. I think he just wants to be close to her and that's the
one time that maybe
she slows down and is in bed and that's where he can wrap his arms around her
and do all that sort of
thing. Cause it sounds like she's super busy all the time. So he wants to spend
that time with her.
So let's stay on track here. So why, why do you feel like she should break up
with him?
Cause she's not in love with him anymore. Clearly she's not in love with him
anymore. She loves him. He's a great guy. Um, but she's not in love with him.
Yeah. No, she isn't. Yeah. I think that she's bringing up the good traits is
she's trying to
convince herself to stay in the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt
him. Yes. She wants to be
alone. She's not ready to get married and that's fine. He's going to be heartbroken
no matter what. Cause
obviously he is in love with her. He wants to work it out, but it's cliche, but
it's like, if she really
loves him, then she will let him go so that he can find somebody that wants to
do all that kind of stuff
that she's not because she's a bad person. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before
you get going,
before you get going, let's what, what's the, what's the, uh, what, this is a
great topic for
the podcast. Breaking up with somebody sucks. Cause you get, you know, they're
going to start
whimpering, you know, and you're going to dry their tears with the dirty pages
of a TV guide.
And, uh, I don't know. I was thinking about a coffee table. What would be on
the car? I always
break up girls near a coffee table. Well, yeah, you're not gonna be sitting on
the bed.
You're on the bed. You're going to want to fuck. No. Um, sorry. I just
sometimes say dumb shit on
this. Um, what, what, what is the best way? What is the best way to break up
with someone to hurt
them the least? Do you have a technique? No, there's no way. Well, could you
try to be funny on this
thing and just try to come up, come up with the technique? I, I, I got one for
you. Send an email,
send a, send a, send him a card that is actually for like a good occasion. So
it'll have like balloons and
like silly animals on it. Yeah. And then yeah, exactly. You just, you cross out
all the good
stuff. You are, you add words. You aren't the love of my life, but there's
going to be all this,
this, these cool pictures. You have a new life. Congratulations. She can find,
um, a girl to,
Oh, she could be like, Oh, let's have a threesome and find like a really hot,
sexy,
funny, amazing girl. And they all have like dinner and drinks and all have a
good time.
Go back to the bedroom and they all start doing it. And she could slowly slip
out
and she's got her bags packed already. Yeah. It's like, you know what? That's
like
the car. She drives away while the two of them are having like probably amazing
sex.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah. And you know, what's funny. You know, what's funny is he would get no
sympathy. He went to the
bar. He's like, my girlfriend broke up with me. Oh God, dude, how she did it.
How did she do it?
Well, she fucking, we had a threesome and I start this unbelievably hot girl. I
start banging.
She just slipped out of the window. I'd be like, wait a minute. That's like,
you know what that's
like? That's like as a comedian, if you have to cancel a gig, but you do the
effort to give them
a replacement comedian. So there's, there's no pain. Yeah. That's what she
should do.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause? I knew there was a reason
I brought you and that
was fucking awesome. Fucking Nia. There you go. Good for you. Good for you. All
right. Thank you.
Thank you for being on the podcast. This is, you know what? This is this weird
thing. Like when you
do panel on a talk show and no matter what, when the person wraps it up, you
feel, you still feel
slighted. Like I was just killing there. We're going to commercial. Well,
listen, thanks a lot. Good
luck on your movie. We're going to be right back with the Monday morning
podcast. That was fucking
awesome. High five. There you go. Go make me a sandwich. All right. Huh? How
fucking cool
is she? Jesus Christ. There's no reason to even, to even try and top that one.
I was, I thought
that was going to be a new, uh, a new segment on the podcast. Wow. If she ever
breaks up with
me, she better fucking do it that way. Cause that would, uh, I wonder how long
into the
threesome before you actually fucking discovered it, you know? And is that
technically a threesome?
You know, because if you didn't bang the other person, you know what that's
like, that's like
you get a base hit, but you fall down in the way of the first base and then the
right fielder
throws you out. Is it bill? Is that what it's like? I don't think it is. All
right.

Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Nia Gives Perfect Breakup Advice

Here we go. Ask Bill. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it.
Oh, Jesus. Wow. I am. Let me read that again.
Let's let's all just take a deep breath and let's take that take when it's time
to change.
Let's take that one in again. I am Bill. I am currently engaged, but I'm kind
of over it.
Um, you know what? I might need the help of a female on this one. Hey, Nia. Nino.
You want to help me on this one? I got a relationship question.
You ever get the feeling your girlfriend's mad at you and you haven't even done
anything?
I think I just heard her exhale.
What's that? You can't talk because of your voice? You're making lunch? Oh,
okay.
Okay.
Yeah. I'm recording right now. Yeah. And you hit me with this attitude. I'm
sorry. She
how? What do I want? I just had a Jesus. This is getting really awkward.
Yeah. All right. My girlfriend's under the weather and I actually forgot. She
told me she was under
the weather like 20 minutes ago and that's how self-absorbed I am. Cleo, get
down. All right.
Just listen to this. Okay. Cause I think I also need like female help on this
one. Could you take your
hands off your hips and stop staring at me like that? Come on. Do you not want
to do this? If you don't
want to do it. Okay. Okay. Bill, I am currently engaged, but I'm kind of over
it. She just laughed.
Huh? This is a female. This is why I have you in here. Can you just talk to the
people with your
voice here? Hi, how are you? You sound like Demi Moore. I like that. You know
what? I already
talked about Andrew McCartney, right? Brought up Rob Lowe. I got the whole Brad
pack here. Why don't you,
you don't trust me. You got to look on your face like you're not trusting me.
Like I'm going to make
you look stupid. I'm not. I generally want your help on this. It's a low budget
podcast. We only have
one microphone. All right. I'm currently engaged, but I'm kind of over it. Um,
I love him, but our
relationship isn't working anymore. I keep making excuses like my schedule has
changed. I'm working
and going to school. So I'm just stressed, et cetera, uh, et cetera. But, uh,
honestly, the excuses
aren't working anymore. I want us to get back to when we were having fun and
sex and not arguing.
He gets frustrated. He gets frustrated with me when I don't want to cuddle with
him at night or fuck
him at 4 a.m. When I, when I have to get up at seven in the morning to go to
work, uh, then come home
at five and cook him dinner and get to sleep by 11. And then she writes, okay,
pause in the email. Um, why
does he want to fuck or cuddle at 4 a.m. when I'm sleeping? Is this like a guy
thing? I don't understand
what he's thinking. This is my argument. It's four in the morning. Number two,
he's half asleep,
which means I'll have to wake up and get on top and do all the work. What the
fuck? Number three,
if I don't sleep, I'll be cranky in the morning. Then I'll be mad at me because
I'm being a total
bitch. And four, I'm being, uh, I like being alone. I love sleeping by myself.
Granted in the beginning,
it was fun to sleep next to him, but now I want my own bed back. I don't
understand what it is that
he's thinking. Okay. Continuing. I guess she was digressing here. I'm almost
done here. All right.
Are you enjoying this here? You're okay. She's shaking it in. She's got a very
serious look in
her face. This is why I brought her in an expert. This is like Oprah, our
relationship expert. Okay,
here we go. Uh, we are planning to move in together, but it's not a good idea
because I'm not really in
the relationship anymore. I'd rather be alone. In addition, is there an ax
murderer outside?
In addition, I just really realized that that was, yeah. All right. In addition,
um, come close to the
mic, sweetie. Here we go. Sit down, take a load off. You're not feeling well.
Um, in addition, he's the
first man I've ever had sex with. Don't read this because you read way faster
than me. Just listen
to my, the soothing tones of my awful voice. You just snorted when you laughed.
That's adorable.
She's the first, he's the only person she's ever had. Yeah. Now don't, don't
comment yet. Okay. We're
building it up. We got the listeners riveted at this point. Okay. Someone's
being hacked to death
outside. Um, in addition, he's the first man I've ever had sex with. Um, I am
faithful to him, but when
we have days like these, I think, is this really as good as it gets? I'm sure
he's thinking the same
thing when I'm being an asshole. That's the femur right there. That's the, you
really got to give the
chainsaw full fucking force there. Um, oh, well they did taking out that tree
over there. Okay. Yeah.
The sick tree. We had a sick tree tree had AIDS on our block and just keeled
over. It was very sad. We, we,
we stood out there with candles. It had tree AIDS. It had tree. It was HIV
positive. I'm not making light
of AIDS. I'm making Jesus. Jesus. I don't know who to get more offended that
you're trashing Jim
Norton. You're saying that I'm ripping them off. You do not. Why is my voice
cracking? You do not. All
right. Let's get back to this. I don't know. I could totally be seeing this
from a fucked up spot.
Actually, I think I am because he's great. Now she's going back this way. She
must have her period
this week. She's all over the map. Ow. Did you really have to punch me right
fucking there? All right.
He gives me whatever I want. And as far as material things go, typical broad,
he buys me stuff.
He's great. I don't want to fuck him anymore, but look at all this stuff.
Um, um, he listens to me. Sarah, I'm taking this one seriously because I think
this girl's in a
serious situation here. Um, that's why I keep saying serious as many times as I
can in the sentence.
Seriously. Um, he listens to me whenever I whine and he has conversations with
me that show me life
from a different perspective and he's willing to work at our relationship and
is committed to me.
Those are the things that I love about him.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Right. I am getting through it.
I got to do fifth.
She just gave me the sign. Wrap it up. All right, fine. You're speaking for the
listeners. I'm going.
Uh, but I can't live like this anymore. This girl is all over the map.
I told him once that I wanted some space, like I wanted to wake up alone some
days and he blew it
out of proportion and says, okay, I'll give you plenty of space. Let's break up.
He did that shit.
Um, and then she said, I asked if that's what he wanted because that wasn't,
because that wasn't looking like the worst option in the world. Oh Jesus. But
his voice cracked and he
said, no, that's not what I want. So long story short, I'm still waking up to
him. He still asked
why we can't fuck at 4am and we're still engaged. I'm willing to say if we can
make a few adjustments
in our relationship. I'm willing to stay if we can, uh, if we can make a few
adjustments in our
relationship. Otherwise, how do I get out and hurt him the least? All right,
here we go. I brought in
a female for this one. Cause I know, I know what you want me to tell you what I'm
thinking first.
No. Okay. No, I don't. Um, she needs to break up with him. Okay. And why?
Because she doesn't love
him anymore. She's not in love with him. She recognizes all his good traits and
stuff, but
that's not a reason to stay with someone. If she can't give him what he needs.
Cause at no point
did she say, well, no, she talks about him wanting to cuddle and this and that
other. I think the 4am
doesn't mean anything. I think he just wants to be close to her and that's the
one time that maybe
she slows down and is in bed and that's where he can wrap his arms around her
and do all that sort of
thing. Cause it sounds like she's super busy all the time. So he wants to spend
that time with her.
So let's stay on track here. So why, why do you feel like she should break up
with him?
Cause she's not in love with him anymore. Clearly she's not in love with him
anymore. She loves him. He's a great guy. Um, but she's not in love with him.
Yeah. No, she isn't. Yeah. I think that she's bringing up the good traits is
she's trying to
convince herself to stay in the relationship because she doesn't want to hurt
him. Yes. She wants to be
alone. She's not ready to get married and that's fine. He's going to be heartbroken
no matter what. Cause
obviously he is in love with her. He wants to work it out, but it's cliche, but
it's like, if she really
loves him, then she will let him go so that he can find somebody that wants to
do all that kind of stuff
that she's not because she's a bad person. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before
you get going,
before you get going, let's what, what's the, what's the, uh, what, this is a
great topic for
the podcast. Breaking up with somebody sucks. Cause you get, you know, they're
going to start
whimpering, you know, and you're going to dry their tears with the dirty pages
of a TV guide.
And, uh, I don't know. I was thinking about a coffee table. What would be on
the car? I always
break up girls near a coffee table. Well, yeah, you're not gonna be sitting on
the bed.
You're on the bed. You're going to want to fuck. No. Um, sorry. I just
sometimes say dumb shit on
this. Um, what, what, what is the best way? What is the best way to break up
with someone to hurt
them the least? Do you have a technique? No, there's no way. Well, could you
try to be funny on this
thing and just try to come up, come up with the technique? I, I, I got one for
you. Send an email,
send a, send a, send him a card that is actually for like a good occasion. So
it'll have like balloons and
like silly animals on it. Yeah. And then yeah, exactly. You just, you cross out
all the good
stuff. You are, you add words. You aren't the love of my life, but there's
going to be all this,
this, these cool pictures. You have a new life. Congratulations. She can find,
um, a girl to,
Oh, she could be like, Oh, let's have a threesome and find like a really hot,
sexy,
funny, amazing girl. And they all have like dinner and drinks and all have a
good time.
Go back to the bedroom and they all start doing it. And she could slowly slip
out
and she's got her bags packed already. Yeah. It's like, you know what? That's
like
the car. She drives away while the two of them are having like probably amazing
sex.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah. And you know, what's funny. You know, what's funny is he would get no
sympathy. He went to the
bar. He's like, my girlfriend broke up with me. Oh God, dude, how she did it.
How did she do it?
Well, she fucking, we had a threesome and I start this unbelievably hot girl. I
start banging.
She just slipped out of the window. I'd be like, wait a minute. That's like,
you know what that's
like? That's like as a comedian, if you have to cancel a gig, but you do the
effort to give them
a replacement comedian. So there's, there's no pain. Yeah. That's what she
should do.
Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause? I knew there was a reason
I brought you and that
was fucking awesome. Fucking Nia. There you go. Good for you. Good for you. All
right. Thank you.
Thank you for being on the podcast. This is, you know what? This is this weird
thing. Like when you
do panel on a talk show and no matter what, when the person wraps it up, you
feel, you still feel
slighted. Like I was just killing there. We're going to commercial. Well,
listen, thanks a lot. Good
luck on your movie. We're going to be right back with the Monday morning
podcast. That was fucking
awesome. High five. There you go. Go make me a sandwich. All right. Huh? How
fucking cool
is she? Jesus Christ. There's no reason to even, to even try and top that one.
I was, I thought
that was going to be a new, uh, a new segment on the podcast. Wow. If she ever
breaks up with
me, she better fucking do it that way. Cause that would, uh, I wonder how long
into the
threesome before you actually fucking discovered it, you know? And is that
technically a threesome?
You know, becaus