Name: Bill Burr & Nia Advice - My Friend's Girlfriend is Annoying
Uploaded: 2023-04-25T16:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - My Friend's Girlfriend is Annoying' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - My Friend's Girlfriend is Annoying' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-25. Transcript available.

Hey, Bill. Love the podcast. Back cataloging it like crazy. Here's my fucking
problem.
I got a roommate who is wonderful. We're buddies. We watch stupid shit and
laugh at it together.
He's got this girlfriend who is a drain on everything that is fun in the world.
I'm not talking about the regular guy-girl argument crap. I mean everything.
Quick example, we were watching that BBC Planet Earth series, and we're just
looking at the most beautiful shit in the world, literally.
And all she could do is bitch about how ugly the birds were, complain about
David Attenborough's voice, or get mad at some animal just because it's killing
another animal to survive.
That would really ruin it. I haven't seen that series, but it's supposed to be
amazing, so I'm already mad that someone would ruin it like that.
Potheads love that fucking show.
Oh, yeah. That's the best time to watch stuff like that.
Hey, man, let's smoke a doobie and see how the world was made.
The world's so big, man.
Can you imagine if you, like, a plant, man, and, like, you'd open up and then
close down, and then a bead come by, and you wouldn't be scared, man, because
it's your friend.
That's the best.
Here's my flower juice, man.
And that's the thing. That's what's so lovely sometimes about smoking pot is
that you can do silly, like, good, clean, fun things.
Like, watch a documentary on the planet Earth and just smoke pot and just laugh
and be filled with wonderment.
I wish I could do that.
Filled with wonderment.
I wish I could do that because I can't sit down and watch a documentary on the
planet Earth unless I've taken some drugs.
Why can't you just sit there and enjoy it?
You can, but it's more fun when you smoke a little pot.
I get it.
It enhances.
A little pot.
Yeah.
I just, I break the balls.
You laugh. It's silly.
It's like no one smokes pot and goes out and, like, robs banks or knocks people
over.
Are you really going to go with that?
Like, that hasn't been said.
It's true.
Everybody says that.
Well, people say it.
Well, everyone says it because it's true.
It's because it's a fucking, it just mellows you out.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, to the point you become part of your couch and you wake up 20 years later
and you're still sitting there eating fucking Fritos.
Fritos.
And you're all right with it.
You're all right with it.
Don't harsh my mellow, man.
Yeah.
All right.
No, I'm not, I'm looking.
So anyway.
It's not like booze is any better.
This girl is being a complete wet blanket during this amazing experience.
That's a nice way to say it, yes.
So anyways, he goes, after we finish this documentary, she said she would love
to be a crew of a nature documentary shoot.
And anyway, she's got no soul.
The guy loves her.
They've been together for over a year, but it's clear he can't stand to be
around her.
They only ever argue and not in the great way you and Nia did in one of the
podcasts where y'all laughed with each other.
It's unbearable.
And she's at my apartment five days a week.
Most nights I eventually either drink or just smoke so I can just stay in this.
So I'm not in the same world as her.
And I like smoking.
Who am I kidding?
I want all, I want to, I want to talk to him about it.
But he's a really private person.
We've never talked about his relationship stuff.
He tends to steer away from it.
It becomes pretty obvious that I can't stand the girl.
It's becoming pretty obvious I can't stand the girl, nor can I, nor can any of
our friends.
I'm afraid she's going to try to drive us apart and then feast on his soul so
she can try to find some kind of personality for herself.
That is hilarious.
How do you like, how do you think I should approach this topic with this guy?
I got a right to complain to him about this girl, right?
Yes.
Got to do it tenderly or something?
Yes.
Yes to both those things.
I mean, listen, you live there too.
So if their arguments and everything are, it's, it's affecting your enjoyment
of living in your home, then you have every right to, to say something.
How should he go about it?
Yeah.
Well, that's the tricky part.
Just say, you know.
Should they smoke weed first?
Just say, you know, obviously like you're one of my best friends.
I love hanging out with you, but I got to be honest with you.
I'm not, I, I'm not, I don't really get along so well with whatever the fuck
her name is.
So I don't know if I'm going to be hanging out with you guys so much.
If she's over here, I don't think I'm going to be hanging out as much.
And just, just to put it like that, don't say, I feel like you should break up
with her.
I feel like she's going to rob you of your soul or feast on you or whatever you
said, which is so great.
You don't have to say all that.
Just say, you know what?
I'm just not really, you know, I don't, I don't get along with her.
You guys fight a lot and it's really uncomfortable.
That right there is a good one.
You guys fight a lot.
Yeah, you guys fight a lot.
I hear it and I just, it's really uncomfortable.
I just want to chill out at home.
I don't have a good time with her when we're all hanging out.
I don't know what you want to do.
Can you guys hang out more at her place maybe?
But I just, this isn't working for me.
I live here too.
I pay half the rent and you're my friend.
So I want to, I want to be honest with you and see what he says.
And he might probably just be like, yeah, I know, I know.
But he's got to figure that shit out for himself.
But at least you say it.
You don't think he'll flip out because that's the girl that's giving it up to
him?
He might flip out.
But unless he's calling the girl names and saying, you know, your girlfriend's
a bitch and I can't believe you're dealing with that, you know, lunatic, then
it should be fine.
But if he says, I don't really get along with her.
I don't have a good time when she's here.
You guys fight and I just, I'm not into it.
And maybe we can work out a different schedule so that you hang out a bit more
at her place.
Because I live here too.
That's a very nice way of saying your girl is a big bag of douche.
Yeah.
And the thing is, your friend knows it too.
And, but it may be a good thing too, because no one else is saying it to him.
So I actually, how do you do that?
How do you tell your friend that they're dating an asshole?
It's a, it's a tough situation.
I think, I think what you do is just say what you just said, I think is way
better than what I was saying on the podcast.
I don't know what the fuck I said, but just go in there and just say, listen,
you know, I like you.
I want you to be happy, but you and your girlfriend, you argue a lot and it, it,
it's wearing me down and I'm finding my, that I'm medicating myself so I can be
around it.
And I don't want to be around it.
I'm not saying she can't come over here.
I'm not saying that, but if there's any way, you know, she's over here five
days a week, there's any way you could just split those.
Yeah.
You know, and you know, if you love this girl, then I'm not going to get in.
We never trash the girl.
That's a huge, don't ever try.
Don't ever trash the girl.
I mean, inevitably he, if he goes along with it, the roommate says, okay, you're
right.
He will have to say to the girlfriend, you know what, let's hang out, but I
like hanging out at your place.
Well, you know, my roommate kind of just wants time to themselves.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, they have a problem with me?
No, he's going to go right.
He's going to go right over and tell her.
She'll probably flip out regardless, you know.
No, because he's going to tell her.
Yeah.
He has to.
He has to.
He doesn't have to.
If he's a smart guy, he won't say shit.
What will he, how will he do it though?
Just say, let's hang out at your house more?
Because he's going to create a nightmare.
That's what fucking broke up the Beatles.
That's what broke up the Beatles is John and Paul kept going home and bitching
to their fucking girls about each other rather than just fucking hashing it out
between themselves.
And then the fucking women got sick of hearing it.
And they said, well, then fucking start your own band.
Right.
You're fucking driving me nuts with this shit.
And everybody blames Yoko and fucking, uh, what's her face?
But you know, that video I showed a long time ago where what's his face?
John Lennon is playing guitar with Chuck Berry and they're playing some fucking
song from back in the fifties that, you know, inspired like John Lennon, I
guess, to pick up the guitar.
Like they loved Chuck Berry and, you know, they're playing one of those fucking,
uh, you know, back in the USA kind of fucking songs.
And Yoko, this is how a little control he had his relationship.
He lets Yoko be in the band on TV, playing with them, playing bongos.
And they have this little fucking bongo with one microphone on it.
And I don't know who the fuck was the sound guy, but he should have had the mic
off because they're in the middle of this fucking, uh, one, two, three o'clock,
four o'clock.
And kind of fucking old school rock and roll song.
And she just grabs the mic and watch your ears, everybody.
I'm going to try and not do it too loud.
She just goes.
Like fucking out of nowhere.
And the look on Chuck Berry's face is priceless.
He just looks at the crowd with his eyes wide open.
And you know exactly what he's saying.
He is, he is this guy in this email, in that fucking video.
He's basically looking at the crowd going, I don't know what he sees in her.
I can't say shit.
He loves her.
I would like to see the looks on the people's faces that he used to pee on
Chuck Berry.
I'd like to see that.
What, the willing people who are into that stuff?
I thought you didn't judge people.
I don't judge people, but that's awful.
Why are you judging him for that?
And I actually thought he took pictures of people taking dumps.
He did?
I didn't know about that.
Maybe he didn't.
I thought he just peed on people.
Well, look, you're a rock star.
You've done everything.
You've checked everything off the list.
What else can I do to this girl?
And they let him.
And it's a legitimate thing that some people are into.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
And yes, I try to be taller and I try not to judge.
No, you're just mad because once again, this is a, this is a lady.
I actually blamed the fucking Beatles breaking up on Paul and John being
bitches.
Can I get credit for that?
I got that.
Okay.
Well then can you at least roll with me?
I am rolling with you, but I just, you said Chuck Berry with somebody going,
yay, yay, yay, yay, yay.
In the middle of a fucking classic song?
No, you're right.
You're right.
But I just was thinking of Chuck Berry and I just remember hearing that he used
to pee on people.
And you said Chuck Berry's reaction.
And it made me think of, I wonder what the reaction was as he's, you know,
starting to pee.
That's actually funny.
And it goes from like, oh my God, I'm fucking like, you know, rock, you know,
blues guitar, God, Chuck Berry.
And now he's peeing on me.
And this was back in the day before people would talk about this.
And it was known that it was, you know, this was a real taboo thing.
So I just could imagine you're having sex with this guy and all of a sudden he
starts peeing on you.
You think that that's like a new thing?
No, no, not new.
It's new that people are discussing more openly.
I don't think back in, when was he big?
50s, 60s?
Yeah.
Like, didn't the Greeks like openly talk about homosexuality like fucking a
thousand fucking years ago?
Didn't they do that?
Didn't they?
Maybe, but not, but they don't talk about it.
They had a room just for you to go in and throw up in after you fucking ate.
But people didn't, but people like in the 50s and 60s, they weren't necessarily
talking about like how common it is for people to want to pee on.
In the golden age of television, they didn't talk about a golden shower.
Speaking of golden age, let's talk about a new trend.
I had a long time ago, I had this drum teacher and I actually put this in that
book that we wrote.
And this guy was like 70 years old or something.
I had a girlfriend and I missed a lesson.
And he said, he goes, a stiff prick has no conscience.
And he was breaking my balls.
And he goes, so what's she look like?
Let me hear her.
So I told him the story.
So he starts laughing and he starts telling me this fucking story.
Of a 72-year-old guy.
All right.
This is back in like the fucking 90s.
So, you know, this guy was born in the 20s.
And he was telling a story.
He goes, yeah, I used to bang this blonde-haired, green-eyed chick in the park
up against a tree.
And I sat there with my fucking jaw on the ground because I'm looking at the
guy.
He looked like Santa Claus.
And then he just – I was like, people did that back then?
And he just said – he's like, let me tell you something, kid.
Every generation thinks they're the first generation that ever fucked.
And he went on this whole long thing.
Everything's been done.
It's all fucking, you know.
And so I don't think – you know, I'm not defending doing something like that.
No, no.
It's definitely not a new phenomenon.
But I think –
It's fucking Chuck Berry.
Do we have a little respect here?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
He should have fucking peed on her in her mouth.
She's going –
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She sounded like she was getting peed on.
Maybe that's why his eyes fucking went wide.
He was probably getting aroused.
Oh, Jesus.

Bill Burr & Nia Advice - My Friend's Girlfriend is Annoying

Hey, Bill. Love the podcast. Back cataloging it like crazy. Here's my fucking
problem.
I got a roommate who is wonderful. We're buddies. We watch stupid shit and
laugh at it together.
He's got this girlfriend who is a drain on everything that is fun in the world.
I'm not talking about the regular guy-girl argument crap. I mean everything.
Quick example, we were watching that BBC Planet Earth series, and we're just
looking at the most beautiful shit in the world, literally.
And all she could do is bitch about how ugly the birds were, complain about
David Attenborough's voice, or get mad at some animal just because it's killing
another animal to survive.
That would really ruin it. I haven't seen that series, but it's supposed to be
amazing, so I'm already mad that someone would ruin it like that.
Potheads love that fucking show.
Oh, yeah. That's the best time to watch stuff like that.
Hey, man, let's smoke a doobie and see how the world was made.
The world's so big, man.
Can you imagine if you, like, a plant, man, and, like, you'd open up and then
close down, and then a bead come by, and you wouldn't be scared, man, because
it's your friend.
That's the best.
Here's my flower juice, man.
And that's the thing. That's what's so lovely sometimes about smoking pot is
that you can do silly, like, good, clean, fun things.
Like, watch a documentary on the planet Earth and just smoke pot and just laugh
and be filled with wonderment.
I wish I could do that.
Filled with wonderment.
I wish I could do that because I can't sit down and watch a documentary on the
planet Earth unless I've taken some drugs.
Why can't you just sit there and enjoy it?
You can, but it's more fun when you smoke a little pot.
I get it.
It enhances.
A little pot.
Yeah.
I just, I break the balls.
You laugh. It's silly.
It's like no one smokes pot and goes out and, like, robs banks or knocks people
over.
Are you really going to go with that?
Like, that hasn't been said.
It's true.
Everybody says that.
Well, people say it.
Well, everyone says it because it's true.
It's because it's a fucking, it just mellows you out.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, to the point you become part of your couch and you wake up 20 years later
and you're still sitting there eating fucking Fritos.
Fritos.
And you're all right with it.
You're all right with it.
Don't harsh my mellow, man.
Yeah.
All right.
No, I'm not, I'm looking.
So anyway.
It's not like booze is any better.
This girl is being a complete wet blanket during this amazing experience.
That's a nice way to say it, yes.
So anyways, he goes, after we finish this documentary, she said she would love
to be a crew of a nature documentary shoot.
And anyway, she's got no soul.
The guy loves her.
They've been together for over a year, but it's clear he can't stand to be
around her.
They only ever argue and not in the great way you and Nia did in one of the
podcasts where y'all laughed with each other.
It's unbearable.
And she's at my apartment five days a week.
Most nights I eventually either drink or just smoke so I can just stay in this.
So I'm not in the same world as her.
And I like smoking.
Who am I kidding?
I want all, I want to, I want to talk to him about it.
But he's a really private person.
We've never talked about his relationship stuff.
He tends to steer away from it.
It becomes pretty obvious that I can't stand the girl.
It's becoming pretty obvious I can't stand the girl, nor can I, nor can any of
our friends.
I'm afraid she's going to try to drive us apart and then feast on his soul so
she can try to find some kind of personality for herself.
That is hilarious.
How do you like, how do you think I should approach this topic with this guy?
I got a right to complain to him about this girl, right?
Yes.
Got to do it tenderly or something?
Yes.
Yes to both those things.
I mean, listen, you live there too.
So if their arguments and everything are, it's, it's affecting your enjoyment
of living in your home, then you have every right to, to say something.
How should he go about it?
Yeah.
Well, that's the tricky part.
Just say, you know.
Should they smoke weed first?
Just say, you know, obviously like you're one of my best friends.
I love hanging out with you, but I got to be honest with you.
I'm not, I, I'm not, I don't really get along so well with whatever the fuck
her name is.
So I don't know if I'm going to be hanging out with you guys so much.
If she's over here, I don't think I'm going to be hanging out as much.
And just, just to put it like that, don't say, I feel like you should break up
with her.
I feel like she's going to rob you of your soul or feast on you or whatever you
said, which is so great.
You don't have to say all that.
Just say, you know what?
I'm just not really, you know, I don't, I don't get along with her.
You guys fight a lot and it's really uncomfortable.
That right there is a good one.
You guys fight a lot.
Yeah, you guys fight a lot.
I hear it and I just, it's really uncomfortable.
I just want to chill out at home.
I don't have a good time with her when we're all hanging out.
I don't know what you want to do.
Can you guys hang out more at her place maybe?
But I just, this isn't working for me.
I live here too.
I pay half the rent and you're my friend.
So I want to, I want to be honest with you and see what he says.
And he might probably just be like, yeah, I know, I know.
But he's got to figure that shit out for himself.
But at least you say it.
You don't think he'll flip out because that's the girl that's giving it up to
him?
He might flip out.
But unless he's calling the girl names and saying, you know, your girlfriend's
a bitch and I can't believe you're dealing with that, you know, lunatic, then
it should be fine.
But if he says, I don't really get along with her.
I don't have a good time when she's here.
You guys fight and I just, I'm not into it.
And maybe we can work out a different schedule so that you hang out a bit more
at her place.
Because I live here too.
That's a very nice way of saying your girl is a big bag of douche.
Yeah.
And the thing is, your friend knows it too.
And, but it may be a good thing too, because no one else is saying it to him.
So I actually, how do you do that?
How do you tell your friend that they're dating an asshole?
It's a, it's a tough situation.
I think, I think what you do is just say what you just said, I think is way
better than what I was saying on the podcast.
I don't know what the fuck I said, but just go in there and just say, listen,
you know, I like you.
I want you to be happy, but you and your girlfriend, you argue a lot and it, it,
it's wearing me down and I'm finding my, that I'm medicating myself so I can be
around it.
And I don't want to be around it.
I'm not saying she can't come over here.
I'm not saying that, but if there's any way, you know, she's over here five
days a week, there's any way you could just split those.
Yeah.
You know, and you know, if you love this girl, then I'm not going to get in.
We never trash the girl.
That's a huge, don't ever try.
Don't ever trash the girl.
I mean, inevitably he, if he goes along with it, the roommate says, okay, you're
right.
He will have to say to the girlfriend, you know what, let's hang out, but I
like hanging out at your place.
Well, you know, my roommate kind of just wants time to themselves.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, they have a problem with me?
No, he's going to go right.
He's going to go right over and tell her.
She'll probably flip out regardless, you know.
No, because he's going to tell her.
Yeah.
He has to.
He has to.
He doesn't have to.
If he's a smart guy, he won't say shit.
What will he, how will he do it though?
Just say, let's hang out at your house more?
Because he's going to create a nightmare.
That's what fucking broke up the Beatles.
That's what broke up the Beatles is John and Paul kept going home and bitching
to their fucking girls about each other rather than just fucking hashing it out
between themselves.
And then the fucking women got sick of hearing it.
And they said, well, then fucking start your own band.
Right.
You're fucking driving me nuts with this shit.
And everybody blames Yoko and fucking, uh, what's her face?
But you know, that video I showed a long time ago where what's his face?
John Lennon is playing guitar with Chuck Berry and they're playing some fucking
song from back in the fifties that, you know, inspired like John Lennon, I
guess, to pick up the guitar.
Like they loved Chuck Berry and, you know, they're playing one of those fucking,
uh, you know, back in the USA kind of fucking songs.
And Yoko, this is how a little control he had his relationship.
He lets Yoko be in the band on TV, playing with them, playing bongos.
And they have this little fucking bongo with one microphone on it.
And I don't know who the fuck was the sound guy, but he should have had the mic
off because they're in the middle of this fucking, uh, one, two, three o'clock,
four o'clock.
And kind of fucking old school rock and roll song.
And she just grabs the mic and watch your ears, everybody.
I'm going to try and not do it too loud.
She just goes.
Like fucking out of nowhere.
And the look on Chuck Berry's face is priceless.
He just looks at the crowd with his eyes wide open.
And you know exactly what he's saying.
He is, he is this guy in this email, in that fucking video.
He's basically looking at the crowd going, I don't know what he sees in her.
I can't say shit.
He loves her.
I would like to see the looks on the people's faces that he used to pee on
Chuck Berry.
I'd like to see that.
What, the willing people who are into that stuff?
I thought you didn't judge people.
I don't judge people, but that's awful.
Why are you judging him for that?
And I actually thought he took pictures of people taking dumps.
He did?
I didn't know about that.
Maybe he didn't.
I thought he just peed on people.
Well, look, you're a rock star.
You've done everything.
You've checked everything off the list.
What else can I do to this girl?
And they let him.
And it's a legitimate thing that some people are into.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
And yes, I try to be taller and I try not to judge.
No, you're just mad because once again, this is a, this is a lady.
I actually blamed the fucking Beatles breaking up on Paul and John being
bitches.
Can I get credit for that?
I got that.
Okay.
Well then can you at least roll with me?
I am rolling with you, but I just, you said Chuck Berry with somebody going,
yay, yay, yay, yay, yay.
In the middle of a fucking classic song?
No, you're right.
You're right.
But I just was thinking of Chuck Berry and I just remember hearing that he used
to pee on people.
And you said Chuck Berry's reaction.
And it made me think of, I wonder what the reaction was as he's, you know,
starting to pee.
That's actually funny.
And it goes from like, oh my God, I'm fucking like, you know, rock, you know,
blues guitar, God, Chuck Berry.
And now he's peeing on me.
And this was back in the day before people would talk about this.
And it was known that it was, you know, this was a real taboo thing.
So I just could imagine you're having sex with this guy and all of a sudden he
starts peeing on you.
You think that that's like a new thing?
No, no, not new.
It's new that people are discussing more openly.
I don't think back in, when was he big?
50s, 60s?
Yeah.
Like, didn't the Greeks like openly talk about homosexuality like fucking a
thousand fucking years ago?
Didn't they do that?
Didn't they?
Maybe, but not, but they don't talk about it.
They had a room just for you to go in and throw up in after you fucking ate.
But people didn't, but people like in the 50s and 60s, they weren't necessarily
talking about like how common it is for people to want to pee on.
In the golden age of television, they didn't talk about a golden shower.
Speaking of golden age, let's talk about a new trend.
I had a long time ago, I had this drum teacher and I actually put this in that
book