Name: Bill Burr - The Dangers of Spoiling your Girlfriend
Uploaded: 2023-04-25T19:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Dangers of Spoiling your Girlfriend' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Dangers of Spoiling your Girlfriend' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-25. Transcript available.

dear bill bill I met you after a show in Pittsburgh the black guy with the hot
Latina we laughed about my shoes matching my outfit well my beautiful
girlfriend for the past three years has a little bit of insecurity insecurity
issues a lot of those absolutely gorgeous women do you know why it is
it's because their level I'm without even reading this shit the reason why I
think a lot of them are fucking insecure is because because they're beautiful
and
that goes away after a while so the clock is just fucking ticking you know if
you
were just some regular douchebag like me there's no pressure going back to your
fucking high school reunion I mean there's the expectations are so fucking low
you
know it's easy to surpass him like oh geez he didn't get fat this guy's awesome
but if you're a fucking hot chick it can just it can only go downhill and I
also
think that they have the same insecurity a rich guy has where rich guys like
this
woman's just with me because of my money not because of who I am I think that
they
have the insecurity this person is just with me because of my ass and titties
hi
all right for some really odd reason she feels the need for me to prove to her
that
I love her whenever we're in a public setting so recently during some Christmas
shopping she
said that I wouldn't hold her hand as we walked through the mall she proceeded
to
catch one of the one of her spicy latin attitudes with me see now if you were
white and you said that and you said that on TV you would have to apologize for
nine
weeks when you lose your job why does it have to be spicy are you saying that
Latino people are like their peppers all right I'm gonna stop commenting and
just
plow through this okay so I handle handle the situation like a G parentheses
gentlemen and completely ignored her ass until we got into the car and I
finally had
enough of her telling me how I don't love her and how she wants me to love her
oh I
don't love her how she wants me to love her and how unaffectionate of a man I
am and you
know what dude that right there is probably how you got this hot girl because
you weren't
the first guy sitting there with your tongue hanging out of your mouth you
acted like you
didn't even give a fuck which fed into her insecurity of like oh my god is the
expiration date hit am I not hot anymore
um look at me commenting again all right I swear these bitches are so
unappreciate I'm unappreciative this is funny you call them bitches why can't
these bitches understand how much I appreciate their ass every weekend bill we
do something dinner movies plays etc but because she has a veg she has to find
something to complain about I think it's because women have this trait where
they
feel a strong need to be miserable no dude you know what's going on is you're
spoiling her you're taking it to dinner movies plays every fucking weekend she
now
she's come to expect it you know what I mean it's just become part of a routine
it's not special anymore so now you have to do something extra special because
special isn't special you know that's what I you know what I'm not to whisper
this
shit we were up in San Francisco right I lit up my credit cards this Christmas
all right my girl had a great fucking Christmas all right it's three days later
we're up in fucking San Francisco she wants to go shopping I'm like for what
you didn't get enough you know so she knows I'm right so what does she do she
tells me she wants a goddamn candle okay because it's not expensive but she'll
still feel like she got something because I don't know what it is they
always got a few they always got to get stuff there's always got to be some
sort of a
goodie bag and you know what I wouldn't get it for I wouldn't get it for I got
you done no I'm not it's over my credit cards are still glowing I'm not getting
you shit and you know she's cool as hell so she just kept laughing because I
was
being unbelievably rude and I was being really loud I was just joking around
and
but still that's the thing I just kept saying I spoil you I'm you know we're
shutting it down for a while you're not getting anything until Valentine's Day
you
know you want something now I'll get you a little bag of Fritos what do you
think
about that maybe something to wash it down with and then what they do is they
immediately get mad and then all you do is you don't take the bait they want
you to
get mad so then they can turn it into a fight about something else because they
know
you're fucking right all right so let her be mad all you got to do you just got
to
stay fucking calm well let's see what this guy does so anyways he goes so we
are
driving along the highway leaving the mall and she's still bitching and finally
I
tell her you know what if you don't like the way I express my love for you then
step
off uh gotta read that quote like a black man I can't I'm not even gonna try to
uh so
immediately yeah I actually read that I read that like a douchey East Coast
white guy
then fucking step off uh how did you if you don't like that motherfucker then
step off bitch how was
that was that good I know it wasn't well then don't ask me to do it all right
plowing ahead you
know what I might have like a fucking substitute black guy for when black guys
write some shit in
here so you guys can read it the way you're supposed to say it other than that
you're getting fucking a cracker ass read and you're gonna have to live with it
all right so immediately after that I said after I said that this bitch starts
throwing these accurate and quick ass Pacquiao combos she's punching you mind
you
I'm doing 65 miles per hour down the highway trying not to hit the guardrail
while at
the same time getting this crazy bitch off me luckily I didn't crash my year-old
Mercedes
this guy's hilarious come on dude do you love this girl is she just another
accessory
um my year-old Mercedes with the Corinthian leather uh I get pulled over get
pulled over
her or god forbid seriously injure us I mushed the hell out of her and held her
face against the
passenger window totally acceptable totally the mush is the gentleman move you
can't punch her you just
hold her head up against the glass you know so the people on the other side get
to see what her face looks in a
funhouse mirror in order to decrease her reach while steering the car on the
highway
and absorbing her manly combos got to give it to her the bitch had a mean right
um so if you can picture me driving I can totally picture this dude I've lived
this
um so you can picture me driving down the highway in a bright red Mercedes
so okay not I didn't never had a Mercedes it was more in a 83 Ford Ranger with
black vinyl seats
um swerving like some drunk in and out of lanes staring with one hand and stiff
arming the shit
out of my girl as if I'm posing for the Heisman trophy after she stopped
beating my face in
she had the nerve to say I hit her and hurt her worse by pressing her face
against the glass
are you fucking kidding me this bitch almost took both of our lives
long story short as soon as I was able to come to a safe and complete stop
I kicked the bitch out and haven't heard from her since
this was three weeks ago and it's all for the best
that type of girl can never be satisfied which is something I've learned the
hard way
over the past three years but this was the straw that did it
so my question for you is was I wrong in this situation and do I owe her an
apology
no and no all right all you can do is break down your game plan all right this
is where
you fucked up you took the bait all right she kept bitching and bitching and
bitching and
bitching trying to make you mad she was she got you to do exactly what she
wanted you to do so
that gave her an excuse to do what she wanted to do which was fucking flip out
and yell
all right that's what they do when they know they don't have a fucking leg to
stand on and they
know they're wrong what they then try to do you know not all of them and not in
every situation
but when they're they're not going to be an adult and just say you know what
you're right
i'm being fucking crazy right now i apologize okay when they're not going to
take that adult route
what they then do is they just push your buttons and they just try to make you
mad and they just
keep pushing you and pushing it and pushing it and pushing it until you then
flip out
and say something fucking crazy like well if you don't like it then why don't
you get the fuck out
and then they flip out all right so what you got to do is in the future
is you just don't take the bait you got to recognize
you know they're doing they're doing the fucking dennis rodman thing to you
they're baiting you into a penalty that's all they're doing okay and the ref
always sees the
retaliation that's basically it's the same fucking thing so in the future just
don't get mad it will
drive them up the fucking wall and you won't believe the amount of arguments
you're going to start
winning because in their effort to piss you off they're going to cross like 10
other lines
all right now when they cross 10 other lines if you take the bait and then go
even further down the
road that's all that's remembered in the end as you then try and piece together
who said what when
but if they go if they cross 10 lines and you don't take the bait they had 10
lines beyond where the
fuck they should be and you got them dead to rights you just have to maintain
your fucking cool
now getting back to this other shit is you do not owe her a fucking apology all
right it's absolutely
fucking ridiculous it's absolutely childish and you can't as an adult expect
somebody to not hit you if
you're hitting them all right she's basically asking you to extend a common
human to human courtesy that
she's not extending to you so she can go fuck herself you definitely I don't
know if you made the right
move now I don't know if you walk around calling her a bitch and that type of
thing this is you
just trying to be a tough guy going then this bitch said this and this you know
this bitch said that
uh that's another thing don't go around calling her bitches because that that
just kills your argument
don't ever call them bad names all right just hold your ground don't lose your
fucking cool and let
them go through their whole little fucking histrionics trying to get you to
take the fucking bait
all right and as long as in the relationship you admit when you're wrong and
you sincerely apologize
they don't have a fucking leg to stand on when you're right and you're going to
start winning
arguments and you're going to be happier there you go all right and other than
that
I don't know stop dating psychos