Name: Bill Burr - Why Oreos Taste so Good
Uploaded: 2023-04-27T18:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Oreos Taste so Good' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Oreos Taste so Good' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-27. Transcript available.

I've been eating like a fat girl on prom night.
How come nobody took me?
Why did I have to go after fat girls?
Maybe I could say I was eating like a redhead,
a redheaded male on prom night.
I don't know.
Oh my God, I've been eating like a fucking animal.
I've also been working out like an animal.
So I've gone up one notch on the old belt there.
But that's kind of been my game plan
because every night I say I'm not going to drink.
And I'm not going to act like a fucking idiot.
But I'm hanging out with my three best friends
in the fucking world on this tour.
You know, what are we going to do?
And it's always every night right before the show,
we always say the same thing.
We're going to go easy tonight.
You know, we're going to go easy.
And, you know, fucking, you know,
we got Pittsburgh tomorrow night.
It's Columbus.
You know, it's going to be a quiet town after the show.
Let's just fucking go home.
All right.
And everybody goes, yeah, yeah, good idea.
Good idea.
Right.
Then what happens?
You know, somebody just gives somebody a look, you know.
Last night it was Verzi.
Verzi gave me a look just going like,
so what are you thinking?
You know, he was done with the set.
I hadn't gone on yet.
You know, what are you thinking?
Maybe we're going back to the hotel,
just calling it a night.
And then I just start laughing and he starts laughing.
And the next thing you know,
we stay out till fucking three in the morning.
Like assholes.
Fucking assholes.
Who likes, who likes working out?
Honestly.
I'm sure you like it in your twenties,
but at my age,
it's not a fun thing to do.
And I go and I work out.
I do all this fucking sweating and fucking my old goddamn knees and all this
shit.
And then what do I do?
I give it away.
You know,
come back here and eat a sleeve of fucking Oreo cookies.
And I'm thinking in the back of my head,
like,
what am I doing?
Literally two of these fucking cookies.
That's probably 40 minutes.
How many calories are in a fucking Oreo cookie?
Oh my God,
dude.
Yesterday when I bought the Oreo cookies,
right?
I'm already hating myself.
Already fat shaming myself.
It's like the middle of the day too.
I bought them in broad daylight where I felt like everybody was looking at me.
Going,
look at him.
Look at him eating his cookies.
Right?
And I go walking by and there was this Asian dude,
right?
I don't know where he was from,
but he was definitely an immigrant because he had the hardcore fucking accent.
Right?
Just one of these fucking guys made you smile.
He had great fucking energy.
And he just went like,
oh,
hello,
how are you?
You know,
he's fucking cleaning up,
vacuuming or some shit,
right?
Classic immigrant job.
And I say,
how you doing,
man?
How's it going?
He goes,
I'm doing good.
And then he just goes and sees the cookies.
He just goes,
I hope I'm going to be able to do it.
I smoked a cigar last night.
He looks at the cookies and he just goes,
Oreos.
And I just start fucking laughing.
I go,
yeah,
man,
I got some Oreos.
And he goes,
oh,
those are my favorites.
And I'm laughing going,
I love him too.
But it sounded like he was shitting on me the way he went Oreos like you
fucking bitch.
You're bringing cookies back there.
There's sugar tits.
Dude,
it made my fucking afternoon.
He was such a fucking funny guy.
And he,
he wasn't being a bad guy.
That's what I loved about him.
He was actually,
he was more saying it like a big black girl,
like,
hey,
right?
Like,
that's what I'm talking about.
And what I loved was,
it was just me and him in the lobby.
And they had a big ceiling and it like echoed when he did it.
Oreos.
Oh,
I went upstairs and I sit down like a fucking loser.
And I started eating the sleeve of cookies with his voice ringing in my head.
And I was laughing,
eating the cookies.
And I swear to God,
for one second,
I almost started crying.
There's no way.
If you're any sort of a human being to sit in a hotel room by yourself and eat
a sleeve of Oreo cookies and not just feel a wave of depression wash over you.
It's one of the saddest things you can ever do.
If you've noticed,
I can't even know.
I don't even know if they even have,
do they even have commercials for Oreos?
Do they even need to?
You know what I mean?
It's like the Jordan of fucking cookies.
As far as other than the ones your mom makes or some,
you know,
you know,
some lonely cunt like me who makes,
you know,
homemade are going to be better,
but it's just as far as like store-bought cookies.
Okay.
Let's start a battle here.
All right.
Let's start a debate.
Come on.
Are you guys honestly going to sit there and tell me you can fuck with Oreo
cookies?
It is,
it is,
it's the perfect fucking cookie.
And you know what kills me is when you bite off one side and then you bite off
another side,
another one,
you stick them together to make your own double stuffed one.
Why does that one taste so much better than the actual double stuffed one?
That's doing the work for you.
You know what I mean?
When you buy the double stuffed ones,
it's just like there's too much of the cream in it,
you know,
and they're just too sugary and you can't fucking eat them.
But when you do the other ones,
I don't know who the fuck is in charge of that over there at Oreo.
Just dial back the frosting.
You went a little too fucking hard and it's not ringing goddamn true.
Without a doubt,
my favorite fucking cookie.
And what is it?
Doritos says you can't just have one.
Fuck Doritos.
By the way,
everybody,
you know what,
you know what Doritos are?
I'm 47 years old.
Anybody under the age of like 40 Doritos are the shit original Doritos.
You cannot fuck with them.
They're considered the greatest chip of all time.
I grew up on,
I grew up on Fritos.
Ruffles.
Like Pringles are still new to me.
Like when those things first came out and they stacked them up in that can.
Like we were just like,
dude,
what the,
what that was like when,
for my generation,
that was like when PlayStation first came out.
To have potato chips that you could actually stack up.
You know,
to have like fucking 300 potato chips that were actually on the same page.
You know what I mean?
As opposed to the usual one,
you open up a bag,
they're all going in a different direction.
You know,
like some fucking team where the coach lost the locker room,
right?
Pringles are the fucking New England Patriots.
They got a system and everybody does their fucking job and they get it done.
Right?
And they're so goddamn good about it.
The crying coats,
Colts got to fucking talk about air pressure.
I don't fucking know.
Whatever.
I got to go for,
I got to get running here.
I got,
you know what I got to do?
I got to go fucking work off at least maybe three of these goddamn cookies.
Do you know how many fucking cookies they were in here?
Let me see how many servings they say this is.
You know,
cause they always,
let's see here.
Amount of servings.
Calories,
160.
Calories from fat,
60.
Serving is three cookies.
Serving per,
per container is about 4.5.
So I had enough Oreo cookies for four and a half fucking people.
You fucking freckled cunt.
160 calories,
amount per serving
is 160.
There's no way four and a half,
there's no way three cookies are 160.
That's got to be 160 per cookie.
All right,
Bill,
do the math.
That's 300 plus 180.
That's 480 calories.
Times three.
There's over 12 cookies.
Oh,
you fucking jerk off.
So I got to multiply that.
380
times four.
That's 1200.
And 320.
That's over 1500 fucking calories.
You ever fucking just sweat your balls off
on the elliptical
for an hour?
You're lucky
if you make 600 fucking calories.
Oh,
dude,
I got to,
I got to go to the fire.
I got to go downstairs.
I got to hit the gym
before I get on the bus.
All right,
that's the Thursday afternoon podcast.
I know it was kind of all over the place.