Name: Bill Burr - Swimming in a Public Pool
Uploaded: 2023-05-03T18:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Swimming in a Public Pool' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Swimming in a Public Pool' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-03. Transcript available.

I had a great time in Vegas, other than when I went down to the pool.
Because I go down to the pool, I'm down there, it's me,
it's fucking Jay Lawhead, who's been killing it in front of me,
and the lovely Nia and her cousins, and we're hanging out down the pool,
and they're doing the usual shit.
You know, if you're a redhead and you go down to the pool,
like, you're just asking for it.
People all, you know, look how white you are!
You know, like, I never noticed.
It's like, I'm fucking around myself.
I've been around myself since the 60s, the late 60s.
I know how white I am, and if I ever forget how white I am,
there's always somebody there to remind me.
Sir, I don't know if you've noticed your skin tone.
What am I, meditating, floating up out of my body?
Alright, so these people I'm with go,
come on, come on in the pool.
I'm like, I don't want to go in the pool.
I don't want to go in the fucking pool.
You know, they're like, why not?
Why don't you want to go in the pool?
You know why?
Because they're fucking, look at these people.
Look at them.
Look at them.
And you're getting, you know, would you take a bath with any one of the people
that you see here?
These fucking, just messes of human beings.
There's not enough chlorine in a fucking pool to kill whatever the fuck they're
dragging in the pool.
You know, it was like, I finally ended up going to the pool.
Then everybody made fun of how white my fucking alabaster chest was.
And then I had to stay in the shade of the fucking, uh, the lifeguards chair.
You know, you know, you know, I had a show to do.
I'm being a professional.
I can't come out stage later.
Half in the bag looking like a lobster.
Right.
I got to do my little song and dance later on that night.
So anyway, so I ended up getting in the fucking pool against my, what I wanted
to do, you know?
And then I get out of the pool.
Uh, first of all, for my age, I am in absolutely phenomenal top shelf shape.
All right.
I got to tell you the, the fucking, just the, the, the fuck the humanity that I
saw poolside in Las Vegas, the fucking humanity.
Keyword manatee.
Not to step step on, uh, Jim Gaffigan.
I just realized he used to use that reference and I'm pretty sure he used it.
I can't remember how the fuck he used it, but if he used it to describe a fat,
pale torso, not really pale, but whatever, whatever the fucking shit I saw
decided that he was dead on that.
Oh my God.
Is there anything worse than seeing a tattoo come of age?
You know, Jesus Christ.
If you get a tattoo, you better, you better just make the mental decision that
you're going to P90X for the rest of your fucking life.
Cause when you don't do, I saw this guy down at the pool.
All right.
He had like, he had like, not only the worst tattoos you've ever seen in your
life, like the worst placement.
You know what I mean?
Like you get one, like on the side of your arm, up by your shoulder.
That looks good.
Right on the bicep.
That looks good.
You know?
Do you know somebody gets one right over their voice box?
Like, I don't give a fuck what you have surrounding that, that leads into that
part of the, of the, of the work or the piece, whatever they call it.
It looks fucking horrible.
Leg tattoos, horrific, horrific.
So this fucking jerk off, he has basically the exact sort of like tribal thing
that the rock has, except he doesn't look tribal.
He looks like an accountant, you know, and he doesn't work out.
So just imagine if the rock was as pasty as I was and it never worked out in
his life.
But he has that same tattoo that starts at the elbow, goes up the arm over the
shoulder and covers one whole peck.
But the way this guy had it done was it didn't cover his whole peck.
It came swinging in and went right above his, his man nipple.
So now all of the, all of that is like colored in.
So because of the pastiness of his torso, your eye is just drawn to his right nipple.
Is he standing in the fucking pool?
My neck was sore from shaking my head at people.
It was, it was absolutely fucking horrific.
Right.
So, so anyways, um, I go back up to the, uh, I go back up to the hotel room.
Right.
You know, got to make sure that I'm all ship shaped for my goddamn show.
And I put on the news.
And what do they end up doing a story about?
They start doing a story about the amount of, uh, fecal matter found in public
pools.
Right after I just got out of a goddamn pool, you know, and I know what people
always think.
Oh, stay away from where the kids are.
Stay away from the kiddie pool.
Right.
Stay away from that.
They always blame the fucking kids.
Well, uh, you know, something after seeing what I saw poolside, you know, there
weren't a lot of kids in there, but I guarantee you.
Somebody got a coli.
I know this is fucking disgusting, but people, you, you're basically bathing.
You know, it's even more fucked up is, is Vegas is just like, you know, people
fly in from all over the world.
You're taking a fucking AIDS bath, you know, with a shot of fucking, uh, what
the hell was that shit that came out?
But it killed people so fast that it just burned out.
Everybody just ran into the woods.
The fuck was that shit called?
Ah, Christ, I can't remember.
Ebola.
That's it.
With a shot of Ebola.
Or whatever.
Food poisoning.
I don't know what it is.
A salmonella shower.
Whatever the fuck you want to call it.
I'm done with public pools.
The only pool that I will ever swim in again is my pool, if I ever get one.
Or the pool of some hot chick that I want to fucking bang because I have Nia's
permission.
That's the only way it's going to go down.
Other than that, you know, I'll just go, I'll just go take a bath.
That way I'm out of the sun.
You know, I'll take a couple of vitamin E pills, whatever the fuck it is you
get from the sun.
Other than skin cancer.
I'm done with it.
You know what America needs to implement after years and years of calling the
French people smelly?
You know, that's kind of like the thing when we went over to France and saved
their ass for the second time last century.
Oh, wait.
Did we do it once?
We did it one time, right?
I can't fucking remember.
So anyways, we've always made fun of the French file they smell.
If you ever watched Bugs Bunny growing up and you saw Pepe Le Pew, if you
noticed he had a French accent, you know, that's the kind of shit you couldn't
get away with today because of political correctness, I guess.
They were basically saying that, you know, that they stunk.
But I'll tell you one thing that the French have when it comes to hygiene over
Americans, all right, is the bidet.
All right.
I can guarantee you if I ever go swimming in a public pool again, it's going to
be in France.
Unless there's a bunch of Americans.
I know I've been over to England.
I never saw a bidet over there.
You know.
A bidet is basically a car wash for your asshole and, you know, it leaves you
feeling refreshed.
Puts a fucking smile on your face.
And evidently in France, you're so fucking happy you forget to put on deodorant.
But I'll tell you right now, you can jump in that pool.
I bet they're not talking about that shit over there.
Right?