Name: Bill Burr - The Horrors of Buying a Gift for a Woman
Uploaded: 2023-05-04T16:00:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Horrors of Buying a Gift for a Woman' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Horrors of Buying a Gift for a Woman' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-04. Transcript available.

That's something I could talk about.
I haven't started my shopping yet.
I'm at that weird age where, you know, I don't have any fucking kids.
So I don't have to do that.
All my friends are too fucking old.
What am I going to buy them, you know?
We're at the cologne and new shirt age.
You know, everyone in my family has their own fucking lives.
They have their own.
So my overhead is really not that high.
All I got to do is just buy something for my girl, and I'm done.
And I'm done.
You know, actually, I'm thinking of getting her.
I was driving by Arby's the other night, and I saw underneath the sign
that they have these Christmas gift packs.
And it's this booklet.
It's really cool because they have, like, coupons for everything on their menu
at a discount because, you know,
what if she doesn't want one of those awful roast beef sandwiches?
Maybe she just wanted to go in there and get the fucking onion rings, you know?
Wouldn't that be awesome to do that just as a fuck you
to the pressure of getting something nice for the woman in your life?
If just one year you just went out
and just bought her a gift like that,
how do you think your girl would react?
Well, you can't go that low because that's, like, insulting.
You can't get her a fucking coupon.
But, you know, it gets to the point, like,
how much fucking money do I got to spend on you?
You know, what if you bought her, like, a really nice bathrobe?
You know, that's something she can wear every day
when she gets out of the shower, really nice and comfy,
and you give it to her, and she thinks, like,
ooh, this is just one of the build-up gifts.
And it's like, no, that is the gift.
That is the one.
There it is.
Merry Christmas.
You know?
That would be a great thing.
Just to, you know, that's what you know,
something that's a great idea.
If you actually got her something really nice,
do something like that.
Just act like there's no other gifts,
and then just watch her stewing
and figuring out how to play it, you know?
Because she's mad at you, all right?
Because she didn't get her something good enough.
But she has to play it right,
because if she flips out too much,
she's going to look selfish, you know?
Because she has to be honestly sitting there
thinking, like, well, wait a minute.
What if he really thought that this is enough?
You know, how rude of it would it be for me
to be giving you shit?
Oh, wait a minute.
Wow, I just had a flashback.
I just had a flashback one time.
Oh, my God.
One time, one of my first girlfriends, right?
I grew up with all brothers, right?
I don't mean black people.
I mean siblings.
And I had, so I didn't know shit about women, you know?
And a lot of you who are listening
probably still think I don't.
So anyways, my first girlfriend,
I went to buy her something for her birthday.
What the fuck did I get her?
I was on the road.
And I was, no, so I was on the road.
I was already a comedian.
This wasn't my first, my,
this is my second serious girlfriend.
I was like 25 years old, 24, 25.
And I was in the mall,
and I bought her this shirt.
It was her birthday, and I swear to God,
I think it was one of those,
you know, those polo style shirts?
I bought her one of those,
and it was like striped.
I got her two of them.
And I wrapped them up,
and she was all excited.
She was this complete fucking psycho
that I was dating.
As I told you before,
you know what the deal is.
When somebody's dating a psycho,
and you're sitting there going,
why are they dating this fucking person?
You know why.
All psychos are good in bed.
At least everyone that I ever met.
Not only are they good in bed,
they're fucking unbelievable in bed.
All right?
So, I'm sitting there like,
you know,
I don't know why I didn't,
I just asked a woman,
just help me out here,
but I basically bought her
what I would have bought my older brother.
So, and this is the thing.
I hadn't had a girlfriend
in a couple of fucking years.
You know,
just one of those periods
where I was just focusing on
becoming a comedian.
And I don't even think
I was really even hooked.
I went through a fucking dry spell,
like an 18-month fucking
not hooking up nothing.
So, this girl,
this psycho comes into my life.
So, I buy her these two fucking
eyes-odd looking shirts
that, you know,
a married father with three,
with three fucking kids
would be pissed if he got that.
And I gave it to this.
This girl was fucking hot too,
right?
And I gave it to her.
She's all excited.
I had it professionally wrapped.
That's the one thing I did.
So, she's thinking
it's going to be something nice.
And she goes
and she fucking unwraps
this damn thing.
And, uh,
she opened it up
and she just like,
and I was standing up
and I was so fucking nervous
and she just goes like,
what, what?
She's like,
what, what, what is this?
What, you bought me this?
And she starts holding it.
You bought me this?
She's like, this is stupid.
She kind of like threw it down.
I can't remember
what the fuck she said.
All I remember
was by the end of it,
I was sitting
and she was standing
and she was fucking like,
I was getting scolded
like a child.
You know like your first girlfriend
with your first relationship
or whatever?
You just think of the dumb shit
that you did.
This is like my second one,
but I'm such a moron.
I had to learn this shit
over again.
I was just sitting there
getting fucking scolded
for like 10 minutes
about this awful fucking,
and admittedly,
it was awful,
but what the fuck?
You know,
what kind of a fucking cunt
would do that?
I don't even date
in her like fucking two months,
but I sat there
like this sad kid
getting scolded,
and it was one of those things
where I,
the only reason why I sat there
was because I was so embarrassed,
and I didn't have a lot of experience
with women,
and all I wanted to do,
I wanted to crawl out of there.
It felt like the way it felt
the first time I bombed
doing jokes.
That's how bad it felt,
and then as she got to the end
of her 10-minute fucking tirade
about how bad this fucking gift was,
that's when I started
getting my feet underneath me
where finally the shame
and the embarrassment
had gone away
because she just gave me shit
for so long
that I was actually able
to regroup,
and I was like,
wait a minute.
I don't even think
I yelled at her.
I just remember
that switch in my head
just went,
you know what?
Fuck this person.
Next.
And later on that night,
she actually called me up
and apologized,
was just like,
yeah, listen,
I probably shouldn't have said that,
and I was totally
passive-aggressive.
No, no, it's fine.
No, it's cool.
You know back then
when you don't know
how to get out of a relationship?
No, no, it's two.
It's cool.
So, you want to come
see me tonight?
Actually, I got to fix the toilet,
fucking clean off the stove.
My brother's coming to town.
I gave her every fucking excuse,
and I basically,
in a coward way,
just sort of backed my way out of it.
Is that how that happened?
Oh, no, wait.
I remember how I got out of it,
but I can't tell you
because it's fucking horrific,
and some stuff is just too personal,
and I'm going to leave you at that.
I'm going to leave you fucking hanging.