Name: Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Should You be in A Relationship When You're 21_
Uploaded: 2023-05-07T16:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Should You be in A Relationship When You're 21_' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Should You be in A Relationship When You're 21_' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-07. Transcript available.

Oh, wow, look who just walked in, the wonderful Nia.
Nia, you've got to help me out here.
I'm trying to help a 21-year-old virgin.
A virgin.
Yeah, I've been stuttering this whole podcast because I think that fucking Tylenol
PM is still fucking with me.
Speaking of the mic.
Hi.
Yeah, there you go.
So this guy, he's a 21-year-old virgin.
Okay.
All right.
And he wants to get laid.
So he's been talking on Facebook with some nerd chick who's into Pokemon and
all that.
Yeah.
Micronauts and all that shit that they're into.
Right.
So he just can't seem to get in the goddamn game.
All right.
So he's suggesting taking her to dinner and drinks.
And I'm like, that's the worst thing you can do because you're going to end up
in a relationship.
And I'm saying he's 21 years old.
He needs to go out there and crush some ass.
And if he goes out, if you set it up with dinner and drinks, you take her to a
movie, you're setting it up like you care about her.
You don't want to be a 21-year-old.
Okay, you're already furrowing your bra.
Because I don't understand why being in a relationship is like the worst thing
that could happen.
Right out of the gate, it's fucking horrible, especially at 21.
This guy needs to bang.
He's like mostly he needs to bang at least 20, 40, 60.
He can do that afterward.
I don't understand why he can't take this girl.
Why are you denying him his instinct to like take her out and show her a good
time and laugh it up?
And if they end up having sex, great.
And if not, whatever.
Why are you discouraging that?
Because he's never been late.
Which means –
Which means my time.
My time.
The first time should be with someone he cares about because that setups your
whole sexual outlook for like the rest of your life, I think.
I think your first time should be like an ideal situation.
It shouldn't just be with like a whoever.
That's really gay.
It's not.
That's how it was for me.
It was very special and loving and it really shaped my outlook.
Stop saying that.
Why is it gross?
That's just –
This guy needs to go out.
I told him, buy a stack of fucking condoms.
He needs to go out, okay?
Then you might as well just tell him to get a hooker.
Dress it's closest.
No.
You might as well tell him.
Really?
Well, that's kind of what – you're just throwing him out into the wild like,
yeah, just bang a bunch of chicks.
That's not what I'm saying.
Don't belittle.
Don't belittle what I'm saying.
If it's going to be that devoid and removed from emotion, then he might as well
just get a hooker.
No.
You know what the problem is, Nia?
You don't understand how guys are wired.
All right?
Well, he's wired to take a girl out and –
How do you know that?
You don't know this guy.
Because he said it.
So what?
I say things.
I say things that I don't mean.
So he said it and you don't believe him.
Dude, this is like a guy who's never watched a football game talking about
football.
He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.
Yeah, get the ball and run with it.
That's his instinct.
He doesn't know how to go off tackle.
They just called the option.
You think he's going to throw it?
He's just going to start running.
He doesn't know what to do.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Exactly.
And the same way you know nothing about football, this guy knows nothing about
pussy.
And I'm telling you right now, he's going to go out there and he's going to
fucking – she's going to hold his hand or give him a little kiss.
And he's going to be like, oh, my God.
All those feelings are great.
Why are you just trying to discourage those feelings?
Those are all wonderful feelings to have.
Because of the demon.
Because of the demon.
What are you talking about?
The demon that every guy has in him.
Okay?
Not every guy is you, Bill.
Every guy has that demon in him and you've got to fuck it out of you before you
fall in love.
You have to hit – you've got to hit that – maybe I'm superimposed myself,
but you've got to hit the wall where you're crawling off that last skank and
you're just like, what the fuck am I doing?
I don't know why you're trying to turn him into a dirt bag.
I want to meet a nice girl because, Nia, this guy is going to fall in love.
Right out of the chute.
So what?
Right out of the chute.
Without ever asking.
Why is that a bad thing?
Because he's going to fuck with him when he's in his 40s.
I have no idea what you mean by any of this.
I'm going to tell you what's going to happen.
I think you should take her out.
This is what – no.
No.
She's going to do something.
Follow your heart, sweetie.
And this dude, this girl –
Take that nice little nerdy girl out.
Talk about all kinds of nerdy stuff together.
Kiss, make out, be excited about seeing her again in a couple weeks.
And then it builds from there and you have wonderful, sweet lovemaking.
And if it lasts a month, if it lasts for two weeks, that's life and that's how
it goes.
That's the advice you should be giving him is to go for it.
And if things don't work out, know that you will find somebody else.
And you know what's funny?
That's the advice you should give him.
The advice that you're giving him is in his 40s, he's going to have a Corvette
convertible and his comb-over is going to be fucking blowing in the breeze as
he drives down the street banging his fucking secretary.
No, I think he's going to be just fine.
I think you should take her out.
Yeah.
And like I said, if it doesn't work out with this girl for some reason, you
will find somebody else.
But you got to get out there and get in the game.
All right.
There you go, sir.
You got it from both sides of the ball there.
I'm just looking out for this guy because I really – this guy is, you know,
he's leading with his jugular and he's going to get hurt.
I'm telling you.
I'm telling you, dude, you got to hurt them before they fucking hurt you.
Yeah, that's really what it comes down to.
That's really what it comes down to.
Now, see, this is why you're great on the podcast.
So last week I asked to hear some fucking questions from the ladies.
And I got some.
Here we go.
From the ladies.
Hey, Bill.
I've been listening to your Monday morning podcast for about a year.
Actually, my boyfriend listens, but now I'm hooked, which is awesome.
Anyways, I just want to say that I agree with you about the 21-year-old virgin
from last week.
And then she says, what Mia – it's Nia with an N, not an M.
A lot of people mess that up.
What Nia with an N says makes sense to my wiring, being a female.
Romance and fuzzy feelings are fun, but my 10-year relationship has given me a
little insight into a man's perspective.
And I agree that the young man may get laid, get totally attached to the nerdy
chick,
and then like a little domesticated puppy dog proceed to follow this nerdy
first-time girl,
waiting and waiting for her sexual peak, waiting and waiting and waiting.
Then voila, he's 40, horny, feels like he's wasted his youth, perhaps angry at
himself and women at large.
And then who knows?
Maybe a comb-over and a Corvette, maybe a serial killer.
Who knows?
For the record, it's not that I don't think love works, but I do think that men
have to come to that on their own.
Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely.
She's basically agreeing with me that you have to fuck the demon out of you.
After they've realized that they want a relationship to come home to, or
perhaps they realize that they don't,
which is fine.
But then there won't be children to fuck over and a relationship ruined.
Absolutely.
Now, if I hadn't freaked out Nia about my goddamn gun talk, you guys would have
loved me.
Charlton Heston would have been fucking high-fiving me from the goddamn grave.
I could have had her comment on that.
Number two.
Actually, you know what?
Let me get her for a second.
Hang on a second.
Okay, and with the magic of the pause button, the lovely Nia has returned to
the podcast.
And don't you look lovely.
Thank you.
All right, listen to this.
I actually got to kind of read that this girl actually kind of agreed with me
last week.
Remember last week, the 21-year-old virgin?
Virgin?
Virgin?
Why do you keep saying version?
I don't know.
I have like, I would love to say that I have dyslexia.
I have a rare case of dyslexia where I don't even have to be reading to do it.
Right.
You just mispronounce words.
All right, so who agrees with you?
Are you in a mood?
Are you in a mood?
Let's keep it nice.
Okay?
I didn't bring you on here to have you do things that I don't appreciate.
All right.
Just get on with it.
The 21-year-old virgin.
Yes.
This is a lady who's saying this.
All right, because I asked the broads, you know, to quit their fucking whining
and write
a goddamn email.
Just read what was written.
I'm trying to make it funny here.
Let me turn you up a little bit there, fucking squeaky.
So, all right, well, I already read this damn thing.
I have to paraphrase now.
Okay?
She says basically, Nia, I told her it's not Mia.
Happens all the time.
Makes sense with all the warm, fuzzy feelings.
Look at me.
Don't look at the email.
All right?
But now that she's been in a relationship for 10 years, she kind of understands
that guys
have to come to a point where they realize that they want to be in a
relationship.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, telling this guy right out of the gate to just go for the warm, fuzzy might
be the
right thing.
But, I mean, you could send this.
This guy could end up just latching onto the first thing he ever fucking, you
know, bent
over.
Right?
And then all of a sudden he comes out the other side and just realizes, you
know, I wasn't
in love with this girl and all this pussy I could have gotten and then it could
make him
a woman hater.
Don't give me a break.
Don't give me a break.
That's going to make him a woman hater.
Yeah.
As opposed to what?
As opposed to what?
So, wanting to take somebody out and go on dates and stuff and having it not
work out,
that's a worse idea than just going out and just banging a bunch of chicks.
Because banging a bunch of chicks and just treating them like disposable fuck
toys, that's
not going to make him disregard women.
I'm not saying.
I'm not saying.
I'm not saying.
No, no.
It wouldn't.
It wouldn't do that at all.
No, no.
I'm not saying.
I'm crazy.
I'm the crazy one.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Can we turn the sarcasm down a couple of notches?
Nia, first of all, you don't understand how guys are wired.
I do understand how guys are wired.
You don't.
I don't understand how you're fucking wired.
I would never tell you what you're thinking.
You're telling me, like, I'm telling you right now.
I didn't tell.
First of all, I didn't tell him how he's wired.
I just said if he had an instinct.
The thing is, you guys are twisting everything that I set up.
All I suggested was, he said, oh, should I take her out to dinner and all this
other
stuff or take her out?
Because he was talking about being a nerd and liking.
I don't remember what he said, but he said something about wanting to take her
out and
getting to know her.
And I said, yeah, that's a great idea.
And now it's like, no, it's terrible because he's a boy.
You should tell him just to fuck everybody and not take anyone out because God
forbid he
falls in love.
I'm saying this dude, he's in dire straits right now, okay?
If he's 16 fucking years old and he likes a girl, okay.
Dire straits, it's not that serious.
He's only 21 years old.
No, he's up to his fucking neck and I'm never going to get laid in my life,
okay?
And the water is swirling down the fucking drain, all right?
So he's desperate right now.
So anybody fucking pays attention to him.
I'm not saying, I just was worried that that's what the fuck he was going to do.
He's going to get sucked into a goddamn relationship.
And there is that thing.
And you know something, Nia?
When people fuck up in life, how often do they actually own up to it themselves?
Like, that was a stupid thing that I did.
They usually don't.
That's how you end up fucking, why he could possibly end up hating women
because he's going
to blame them, not that it's their fault.
It's not this nerdy chick's fault that this guy hasn't gotten laid in 21
fucking years.
You know, it's not her fault, but it'll end up being her fault.
I mean, I'm explaining resentment to you.
You understand resentment.
I don't need to explain that, right?
Yeah, but I think you're also, when people talk about doing stuff like that,
that you're
also coming from a place of fear.
And I just don't believe in that.
You know, I can't argue that.
All right, let's go on to the next one.
See that, people?
I establish credibility.
You admit when you're fucking wrong.
I do come from a place of fear.
I know what you bitches is up to.
All right, number two, number two.

Bill Burr & Nia Advice - Should You be in A Relationship When You're 21_

Oh, wow, look who just walked in, the wonderful Nia.
Nia, you've got to help me out here.
I'm trying to help a 21-year-old virgin.
A virgin.
Yeah, I've been stuttering this whole podcast because I think that fucking Tylenol
PM is still fucking with me.
Speaking of the mic.
Hi.
Yeah, there you go.
So this guy, he's a 21-year-old virgin.
Okay.
All right.
And he wants to get laid.
So he's been talking on Facebook with some nerd chick who's into Pokemon and
all that.
Yeah.
Micronauts and all that shit that they're into.
Right.
So he just can't seem to get in the goddamn game.
All right.
So he's suggesting taking her to dinner and drinks.
And I'm like, that's the worst thing you can do because you're going to end up
in a relationship.
And I'm saying he's 21 years old.
He needs to go out there and crush some ass.
And if he goes out, if you set it up with dinner and drinks, you take her to a
movie, you're setting it up like you care about her.
You don't want to be a 21-year-old.
Okay, you're already furrowing your bra.
Because I don't understand why being in a relationship is like the worst thing
that could happen.
Right out of the gate, it's fucking horrible, especially at 21.
This guy needs to bang.
He's like mostly he needs to bang at least 20, 40, 60.
He can do that afterward.
I don't understand why he can't take this girl.
Why are you denying him his instinct to like take her out and show her a good
time and laugh it up?
And if they end up having sex, great.
And if not, whatever.
Why are you discouraging that?
Because he's never been late.
Which means –
Which means my time.
My time.
The first time should be with someone he cares about because that setups your
whole sexual outlook for like the rest of your life, I think.
I think your first time should be like an ideal situation.
It shouldn't just be with like a whoever.
That's really gay.
It's not.
That's how it was for me.
It was very special and loving and it really shaped my outlook.
Stop saying that.
Why is it gross?
That's just –
This guy needs to go out.
I told him, buy a stack of fucking condoms.
He needs to go out, okay?
Then you might as well just tell him to get a hooker.
Dress it's closest.
No.
You might as well tell him.
Really?
Well, that's kind of what – you're just throwing him out into the wild like,
yeah, just bang a bunch of chicks.
That's not what I'm saying.
Don't belittle.
Don't belittle what I'm saying.
If it's going to be that devoid and removed from emotion, then he might as well
just get a hooker.
No.
You know what the problem is, Nia?
You don't understand how guys are wired.
All right?
Well, he's wired to take a girl out and –
How do you know that?
You don't know this guy.
Because he said it.
So what?
I say things.
I say things that I don't mean.
So he said it and you don't believe him.
Dude, this is like a guy who's never watched a football game talking about
football.
He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.
Yeah, get the ball and run with it.
That's his instinct.
He doesn't know how to go off tackle.
They just called the option.
You think he's going to throw it?
He's just going to start running.
He doesn't know what to do.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Exactly.
And the same way you know nothing about football, this guy knows nothing about
pussy.
And I'm telling you right now, he's going to go out there and he's going to
fucking – she's going to hold his hand or give him a little kiss.
And he's going to be like, oh, my God.
All those feelings are great.
Why are you just trying to discourage those feelings?
Those are all wonderful feelings to have.
Because of the demon.
Because of the demon.
What are you talking about?
The demon that every guy has in him.
Okay?
Not every guy is you, Bill.
Every guy has that demon in him and you've got to fuck it out of you before you
fall in love.
You have to hit – you've got to hit that – maybe I'm superimposed myself,
but you've got to hit the wall where you're crawling off that last skank and
you're just like, what the fuck am I doing?
I don't know why you're trying to turn him into a dirt bag.
I want to meet a nice girl because, Nia, this guy is going to fall in love.
Right out of the chute.
So what?
Right out of the chute.
Without ever asking.
Why is that a bad thing?
Because he's going to fuck with him when he's in his 40s.
I have no idea what you mean by any of this.
I'm going to tell you what's going to happen.
I think you should take her out.
This is what – no.
No.
She's going to do something.
Follow your heart, sweetie.
And this dude, this girl –
Take that nice little nerdy girl out.
Talk about all kinds of nerdy stuff together.
Kiss, make out, be excited about seeing her again in a couple weeks.
And then it builds from there and you have wonderful, sweet lovemaking.
And if it lasts a month, if it lasts for two weeks, that's life and that's how
it goes.
That's the advice you should be giving him is to go for it.
And if things don't work out, know that you will find somebody else.
And you know what's funny?
That's the advice you should give him.
The advice that you're giving him is in his 40s, he's going to have a Corvette
convertible and his comb-over is going to be fucking blowing in the breeze as
he drives down the street banging his fucking secretary.
No, I think he's going to be just fine.
I think you should take her out.
Yeah.
And like I said, if it doesn't work out with this girl for some reason, you
will find somebody else.
But you got to get out there and get in the game.
All right.
There you go, sir.
You got it from both sides of the ball there.
I'm just looking out for this guy because I really – this guy is, you know,
he's leading with his jugular and he's going to get hurt.
I'm telling you.
I'm telling you, dude, you got to hurt them before they fucking hurt you.
Yeah, that's really what it comes down to.
That's really what it comes down to.
Now, see, this is why you're great on the podcast.
So last week I asked to hear some fucking questions from the ladies.
And I got some.
Here we go.
From the ladies.
Hey, Bill.
I've been listening to your Monday morning podcast for about a year.
Actually, my boyfriend listens, but now I'm hooked, which is awesome.
Anyways, I just want to say that I agree with you about the 21-year-old virgin
from last week.
And then she says, what Mia – it's Nia with an N, not an M.
A lot of people mess that up.
What Nia with an N says makes sense to my wiring, being a female.
Romance and fuzzy feelings are fun, but my 10-year relationship has given me a
little insight into a man's perspective.
And I agree that the young man may get laid, get totally attached to the nerdy
chick,
and then like a little domesticated puppy dog proceed to follow this nerdy
first-time girl,
waiting and waiting for her sexual peak, waiting and waiting and waiting.
Then voila, he's 40, horny, feels like he's wasted his youth, perhaps angry at
himself and women at large.
And then who knows?
Maybe a comb-over and a Corvette, maybe a serial killer.
Who knows?
For the record, it's not that I don't think love works, but I do think that men
have to come to that on their own.
Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely.
She's basically agreeing with me that you have to fuck the demon out of you.
After they've realized that they want a relationship to come home to, or
perhaps they realize that they don't,
which is fine.
But then there won't be children to fuck over and a relationship ruined.
Absolutely.
Now, if I hadn't freaked out Nia about my goddamn gun talk, you guys would have
loved me.
Charlton Heston would have been fucking high-fiving me from the goddamn grave.
I could have had her comment on that.
Number two.
Actually, you know what?
Let me get her for a second.
Hang on a second.
Okay, and with the magic of the pause button, the lovely Nia has returned to
the podcast.
And don't you look lovely.
Thank you.
All right, listen to this.
I actually got to kind of read that this girl actually kind of agreed with me
last week.
Remember last week, the 21-year-old virgin?
Virgin?
Virgin?
Why do you keep saying version?
I don't know.
I have like, I would love to say that I have dyslexia.
I have a rare case of dyslexia where I don't even have to be reading to do it.
Right.
You just mispronounce words.
All right, so who agrees with you?
Are you in a mood?
Are you in a mood?
Let's keep it nice.
Okay?
I didn't bring you on here to have you do things that I don't appreciate.
All right.
Just get on with it.
The 21-year-old virgin.
Yes.
This is a lady who's saying this.
All right, because I asked the broads, you know, to quit their fucking whining
and write
a goddamn email.
Just read what was written.
I'm trying to make it funny here.
Let me turn you up a little bit there, fucking squeaky.
So, all right, well, I already read this damn thing.
I have to paraphrase now.
Okay?
She says basically, Nia, I told her it's not Mia.
Happens all the time.
Makes sense with all the warm, fuzzy feelings.
Look at me.
Don't look at the email.
All right?
But now that she's been in a relationship for 10 years, she kind of understands
that guys
have to come to a point where they realize that they want to be in a
relationship.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So, telling this guy right out of the gate to just go for the warm, fuzzy might
be the
right thing.
But, I mean, you could send this.
This guy could end up just latching onto the first thing he ever fucking, you
know, bent
over.
Right?
And then all of a sudden he comes out the other side and just realizes, you
know, I wasn't
in love with this girl and all this pussy I could have gotten and then it could
make him
a woman hater.
Don't give me a break.
Don't give me a break.
That's going to make him a woman hater.
Yeah.
As opposed to what?
As opposed to what?
So, wanting to take somebody out and go on dates and stuff and having it not
work out,
that's a worse idea than just going out and just banging a bunch of chicks.
Because banging a bunch of chicks and just treating them like disposable fuck
toys, that's
not going to make him disregard women.
I'm not saying.
I'm not saying.
I'm not saying.
No, no.
It wouldn't.
It wouldn't do that at all.
No, no.
I'm not saying.
I'm crazy.
I'm the crazy one.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Can we turn the sarcasm down a couple of notches?
Nia, first of all, you don't understand how guys are wired.
I do understand how guys are wired.
You don't.
I don't understand how you're fucking wired.
I would never tell you what you're thinking.
You're telling me, like, I'm telling you right now.
I didn't tell.
First of all, I didn't tell him how he's wired.
I just said if he had an instinct.
The thing is, you guys are twisting everything that I set up.
All I suggested was, he said, oh, should I take her out to dinner and all this
other
stuff or take her out?
Because he was talking about being a nerd and liking.
I don't remember what he said, but he said something about wanting to take her
out and
getting to know her.
And I said, yeah, that's a great idea.
And now it's like, no, it's terrible because he's a boy.
You should tell him just to fuck everybody and not take anyone out because God
forbid he
falls in love.
I'm saying this dude, he's in dire straits right now, okay?
If he's 16 fucking years old and he likes a girl, okay.
Dire straits, it's not that serious.
He's only 21 years old.
No, he's up to his fucking neck and I'm never going to get laid in my life,
okay?
And the water is swirling down the fucking drain, all right?
So he's desperate right now.
So anybody fucking pays attention to him.
I'm not saying, I just was worried that that's what the fuck he was going to do.
He's going to get sucked into a goddamn relationship.
And there is that thing.
And you know something, Nia?
When people fuck up in life, how often do they actually own up to it themselves?
Like, that was a stupid thing that I did.
They usually don't.
That's how you end up fucking, why he could possibly end up hating women
because he's going
to blame