Name: Bill Burr & Nick Swardson - Apocalypse Survival Tactics
Uploaded: 2023-05-10T16:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nick Swardson - Apocalypse Survival Tactics' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nick Swardson - Apocalypse Survival Tactics' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-10. Transcript available.

Well, people figured it out.
Dude, no, they got it.
Oh, yeah, see, that's what I ended up coming.
Dude, I used to be psycho into conspiracy theory like fucking six months to a
year ago.
And finally, I couldn't do it anymore because there was no way out of it.
It's just like.
There's no way out of it.
There isn't.
I agree.
I'm going to sit there.
I'm going to fucking stockpile fucking gold coins.
I'm going to start pulling water out of the atmosphere with this fucking $1,500
apparatus.
Right.
Somebody showed me on the Internet.
And at the end of the day, like I was talking to Anthony on the Open Anthony
show that when you when you stockpile all that shit,
all you're really doing is doing the grunt work for the toughest guy in your
block when the apocalypse comes,
because when he comes down the street, he's going to kick the shit out of me.
And if I have a fucking gun and I can summons up to commit my first fucking
murder and blow that guy away.
Right.
Then what happens when we know when a little fucking the militia comes with the
torches and the.
Yeah, they're coming.
The thing that's going to happen is a big dude is going to come to your door.
You're going to shoot him in the head.
Everyone's going to be like, holy fuck.
And then you're going to shoot two other people because you've gone crazy for a
second.
So now you just want to take out like two chicks.
And then like and then you realize you're out of bullets and then people are
going to fucking tackle you and start eating your nose and your ears.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, that's what you.
Fingering you.
You should.
You're just going to become a real life.
Just poor pussy.
No, you know what they do is they'll eat everything except for your fucking
your genital waist area.
And that'll just be like some sort of like handheld because, you know, the
second the apocalypse comes, everyone's going to run into the porno store and
grab everything that they always wanted to grab.
But they were worried about getting in trouble.
So all the all the rubber fuck me dolls will be gone.
So the chainsaw dildos.
Yeah, they're going to take it to the next level.
That's what.
No, and if they hold a gun to your face right before you die and you have that
shock look on your face, then then then that's where they can skull fuck you.
Because you're going to have like that.
Oh, like that.
Oh, my God.
Don't do that.
Oh, look.
That.
Oh, no.
Yeah, there you go.
No, you know what I would do.
I would shoot what I would shoot.
I would shoot the fattest dude from my balcony.
I have this little fucking bullshit balcony I can barely get a lawn chair on.
And I would I would fucking I'll shoot the fattest dude coming down the block.
And then my my my dirty hairy line is going to be there.
Eat that.
That's hilarious.
Why don't you know that I'd make that eat that I'll make friends with them.
What they do is is I'll just have some sort of like that'll be my role with
that mob.
Anytime you guys get pissed at me, just come up and just just act like you're
friends with some fat guy.
Right.
And I'll fucking shoot.
That doesn't make sense because they could kill him themselves.
See, I would I would I don't have anything to offer you.
No, I would have an apartment building that had one door.
And you just see like right before the apocalypse, you just get like the fattest
tenants.
You know what I mean?
And then you just lock all their fucking doors as you have like.
No, you know, it's just a store.
It's like a Costco of fat people and then people come and they're like, all
right.
Yeah.
Apartment for go get Gary.
Eat his ass.
Well, that's going to be currency.
Fat people are going to become that we're going to be the new currency, man.
That's a fucking loop.
We all know that.
We all know that's why that biggest loser is such a stupid show in an apocalyptic
sense.
If you know how to watch that show, you realize how foolish those people are by
helping those people get out of their morbid obesity.
Yeah, we're losing.
We're losing food.
We're losing food for the future.
Yeah.
And you're losing a big fat bartering chip of to keep yourself alive.
Yeah.
Dude, that'd be great.
Then you have the sawed off shotgun and the little fucking that metal door you
open up.
What are you looking for?
I want Gary.
Gary.
Gary.
Gary.
Gary.