Name: Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend's Family Has A Secret
Uploaded: 2023-05-13T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend's Family Has A Secret' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend's Family Has A Secret' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-13. Transcript available.

um wife's family the secret upstairs all right hey bill love the podcast and
all the bullshit
so i've been dating this lady who i completely love can't get enough of her we've
been going
out for a solid two years now good for you um there has always been a rule at
her house
she lives with her parents because she's in a program in order to become a vet
tech so money
is tight for her that i am not allowed to go upstairs ever all right being a
guy i have no
problem with this uh i'll bend her over the pool table and her jesus christ
dude where this took a
left turn i'll bend her over the pool table her father built because fuck it if
you try to stop
me from banging her in the bed i'll just find another way all right dude what
what did that have
to do with what you're talking about you got me all interested in why can't you
go upstairs
like there's this big mystery now all of a sudden you're like well fine i'll
bend her over the the
fucking hot water heater downstairs you can't stop me all right i'm hoping you're
going to get back on
track here that was like a weird b uh b story um he goes so i finally get
annoyed at this whole no
upstairs policy and decide to do a little investigating well aren't you just a
nosy little
cunt did you finally get annoyed of the rules of a house that isn't yours you
know what sir so this far
into your email i don't like you i don't like that whole shit where you're
having you're disrespecting
her father and saying i'm gonna fuck your daughter over the pool table that you
built all right that's
supposed to be internal monologue you're not supposed to share that with others
anyways uh no one in the house at this point by the way
oh there's no one in the house why can't you guys help me out you know i suck
at reading
okay there's no one in the house at this point by the way i work third shift so
they leave me the
fuck alone between 8 a.m to 3 p.m i went upstairs upstairs and i find uh
garbage in the hallway
every room is filled with junk and there's only one way to enter it this is
every room her parents
room hers the office it's all a complete nightmare just waiting for tlc to show
up um now giving you that
how can i approach this ordeal with her i love her to death and she may be
moving in with me
sometime between the next few months this shit is not going to fly with me but
i know that if a resident
gets that bad that there is something wrong with them mentally she has always
been messy but then
again i'm a fucking cop who doesn't have time to clean up my place so maybe
this
is the calm before the storm with this chick um yeah that's really fucked up
now
all right well you know something you already broke the seal this is what i
would do this is so
fucking creepy
if you if you really want to make a go with this girl i guess
i guess i guess i would go back up there again
and i go into her room and just have a look around and look like if that's some
parent shit
or if that's her shit you know what i mean
um and if it's her shit i would be uh
ah jeez this is fucking brutal the thing you know what the big thing is is the
fact that the
downstairs is immaculate so
they're they're they're only halfway down the rabbit hole
um
i don't know dude you know what this is your tree you're fucking sitting in it
i don't that there's
no way to bring up that you went upstairs without just saying i went upstairs
what are you going to say
well the bath the toilet this is what this is what you do
this is what you do you clog up the bathroom downstairs
all right
just clog up the fucking toilet downstairs
i don't know how you do it but just clog that fucker up
okay
and then just say i had to take a shit
i had to do it right and then you just say you went upstairs
saw what the fuck it was and then you went back downstairs
all right
so that's what you do clog up the toilet and just blame it on the fact that you
had to take a shit
why am i helping you with this lie
that's funny to me who gives a fuck
there you go
and that's what you do
and then address it
all right
or you just man up and just say listen
all right
the curiosity
this is probably this is this is the man's way of doing it
that's that's the bitch way of doing it
so of course i know how to do that way
the man just sits down and says listen
all right
it was fucking weird to me out that i could never go upstairs
i just went to the top of stairs and i looked
see what the fucking big deal was
you know
like was it made out of gold
you got a sex slave up there
you know
there's some dead body
what the fuck's going on up there
and uh yeah
that type of shit
you know
that's your world
that's your life
but uh
that's not gonna happen
if we ever move in together
all right
and then she's gonna give it
i can't believe
that you went upstairs
when i told you not to
you just broken the trust
and then you'll be like
all right
and let her just do it
let her get all of that out
and then you go
oh wait a minute
wait a minute
what about you
okay
so i just broke the trust
but you know
you're the one
you're kind of
you had this giant secret
so you got secrets
so you kind of
fucked with the trust first
you know
do you know
there's a dead cat up there
do you understand that
there's a fucking dead cat
up there
so
i don't know
do do one thing or another
you can do the pussy thing
and do the toilet clogged up thing
i gave you two options there sir
the pussy bitch way
or just be a fucking man
just take her out
set her down
just say listen
listen
i gotta
i gotta tell you something
all right
i feel ashamed
that i did this
but my curiosity
got the best of me
and i went to the top of stairs
and i just peaked
to see what the big deal was
with the upstairs
and you know
then she'll probably start
running away
but you know women
they don't know how to run
most of them
women can either run
like a fucking track star
or they just
they run like it's
they run like toddlers
you know
so many of them
i swear to god
i'm not saying you don't see
an uncoordinated guy
jogging every once in a while
but you know
we play sports
we know how to run
you guys
i don't know what you do
you sit around plotting
making fucking rumors
about each other
jesus bill
well you know what
it took a while this week
didn't it
43 minutes in
before i said some
ignorant shit about women
i'm getting better
i had a nice clean
half hour there
um
so when she runs away
from you
like uh
you know
somebody blew out her knee
you know
just sort of jog behind her
until she gets tired
um
or just wait till she's
wearing high heels
until you tell her
that that gives you
an even better chance
you know
and as she's
screaming and boohooing
and crying and all that
you know
you just walk behind her
with your hands out
you know
looking at other people
like you know
you know
you do that classic
you know
this isn't my fault shit
that that body language
to other people
which is basically
you put your hands
you know
basically parallel
to your shoulders
straight out like that
you know
like you're gonna shrug
like uh
you know
i don't know
you have it like that
and then
after you do that
then you bring them
together in front of you
motioning at her
you know
like
you bring them back
out again
i mean
she's just
i don't know
uh
right
just back and forth
and then you just say
well you know something
and as much as she gives you shit
just be like
you know what
i'm glad i looked
i'm glad i looked
because if i didn't look
i wouldn't
you know
we gotta talk about this
i'm willing to help you
through this and everything
but i can tell you right now
if you think you're gonna
move in with me
and start doing that stuff
uh there's gonna be
a mountain of shit
getting thrown out
every fucking week
all right
so there you go sir
that is my advice
that is my advice
to your fucking ass
good luck to you
all right