Name: Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Controlling my Every Move
Uploaded: 2023-05-14T13:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Controlling my Every Move' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Controlling my Every Move' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-14. Transcript available.

All right. Advice. Bill, since you've given great advice on relationships in
the past, I'm wondering if you can do it for me. I've been with this girl, this
lady of mine for years, and we're planning on getting married. We're both only
20 years old. I'm a college dropout since I'm certainly a more blue-collar
individual.
She is going to college to work with children. We both work full-time jobs,
mine being the night shift in a warehouse selecting orders to go to individual
stores. Stressful and physically challenging.
Here's being, hers being a phone answering day job from 8 to 5, working with
customers in a graphic design shop. Boring and easy. Okay. He's defined his job
as stressful and physically challenging, and her job is boring and easy.
Never underestimate how tedious a boring job can be. I'd rather do your job.
Walking around breaking balls. Look at his fucking shirt, dude. Fucking queer.
Drive by on the fucking forklift. Right? Guys start a softball league. You have
a great time.
Rather than sitting there having your ass fall asleep in a cubicle, listening
to people bitch because they can't figure out how to work their set it and
forget it. Grass is always greener, my friend.
Why don't I shut my fucking pie hole and read the rest of this? All right.
Since we started dating, she seemed to do everything to keep me interested.
Make me breakfast in the mornings on some days. Go to concerts with me when she
didn't necessarily like the music.
The whole works.
But I've noticed that she's without question just been lacking in the care
department.
She just sits and watches TV every night and eats and complains about gaining
weight.
I come home in the morning to do the dirty dishes that piled up in the sink
from her having friends over while I'm at work for the night and get yelled at
for not cleaning them when I saw them sitting there.
But I had no part in making them dirty.
Dude, what the fuck? You can't have that.
She leaves clothes laying around every room in the house.
And that's not even how she is with me.
She has seemed to develop some kind of self-righteousness where everything that
she says throughout the day should be my main concern and I should go out of my
way to make her life easier.
I do her college homework.
I take care of the $2,000 dog I bought for her.
I work on her car when she nearly runs the damn wheels off the thing and I do
chores for her family she volunteers me for.
Dude, she has your balls in a little, you know that little engagement ring you
bought her?
If you bought her, your balls are in there too.
The next part is the icing on the cake.
She goes as far as to dictate what time I have to go to bed and wake up in the
morning, evening since I work at nights, what I can and can't spend money on,
who I can hang out with, what days I can see friends and require me to call her
every time I arrive at work and text her in the middle of the night when I get
off work and request her.
And I request her to do nothing outside of what she does on her day-to-day
routine.
To sum all that up, I feel like she's forcing me into a cookie mold guy when I
actually let her make her own decisions like some strange thing called an adult.
All right, I'm going to stop right here, dude, because this is just going to be
more fucking misery.
All right.
This is what I've said this before on the podcast.
You have to, I don't give a fuck how good the woman is that you're with.
You really have to be careful because all this shit you see on TV where women
are just constantly, there's all this fucking information out there about how
guys are assholes to women.
There's just reams of it.
And there needs to be because guys are assholes to women.
So women, I think, are more aware, or at least they should be more aware
because they got all these fucking goddamn shows with either from one to four
twats sitting around bitching about guys and all this shit that we do.
But there's no show on TV where you have four guys just sitting around a coffee
table, you know, drinking some hot cocoa with some pillows and wearing sweaters
and their favorite shoes, talking about, you know, not losing yourself in a
relationship.
That's what you've done here.
All this shit that she's doing is your fault.
Okay.
And what's great about being a guy is you can blame the victim, which is why we're
better problem solvers.
All right.
This is your fault.
This is all on you.
You don't like any of this shit.
You have to sit down and talk to her.
Okay.
You, you, you're not required to call her.
You can go to bed when you fucking want to go to bed and you can just sit there
and tell her you did those dishes.
You clean it up.
Okay.
Now here's the point.
This is the key with broads.
This is what you got to do.
You can't be mean.
There's no reason to be mean here.
There's no reason to yell.
There's no reason to be angry.
Okay.
All three of those things is what she wants you to do because the, cause she
knows she's going to know she's fucking wrong.
If you, if you, if you, if you made the dishes dirty and every day you're
telling me to clean them up, you treat me like I'm fucking Alice on the goddamn
Brady Bunch.
Everybody knows that that's fucking wrong.
So what women do when they're fucking wrong is they try to make the argument
about something else.
All right.
So she's going to do that anyways.
So, but you're going to make it easy if you're angry and you yell at her and
you call her fucking names.
So what you got to do is you got to, you got to keep, keep your fucking cool.
That's what you got to do.
Keep your fucking cool and say, listen, I worked all night.
I don't think it's fair that you tell me to come home and I have to do these
dishes when you made these dishes dirty yourself.
I don't think it's fair to me to come home in the morning and have a sink full
of dirty dishes that not only you, you and your friends made dirty.
That's unacceptable to me that you want me to wash those.
That's unacceptable.
I'm not doing it.
You have to wash those.
I'll wash my dirty dishes.
I'm not doing that.
All right.
And then, then let her flip out, let her pout, let her slam the fucking
cabinets.
Let her not fuck you.
Just don't back down.
Rub one out.
Who gives a fuck?
It's just an urge.
You've already banged her.
You're not missing anything.
Who gives a fuck?
But don't get angry.
All right.
And then just do, do to her what she did to you.
Just, just reclaim that territory.
You're not doing that.
You're not doing that anymore.
All right.
Start with the fucking dishes.
And then start with this.
I'm not in, you know, you can actually tag that argument and just say, now that
we're on this topic of discussing things, I'm going to go to bed when I want to
go to bed.
I just, it makes me feel like a child when you're telling me when to go to bed.
I know when to go to bed.
All right.
Now that I've aired two complaints, how about you give me a couple of, you got
anything you
want to say to me and just stay cool.
Then when she hits you with some shit, if you don't like it, tell her, you know,
I was going to say to go fuck herself.
Do you know?
I don't know what, whatever.
You know what?
Fuck that last advice.
Just go with the dishes thing first.
It's unacceptable.
That's it.
If you bring up something else, then you, then it looks like you have all this
resentful shit.
And then she'll try and spin it like, well, if you're feeling all this, why
didn't you fucking say anything?
Cause you're a cunt.
That's what's going to happen.
And then you're going to lose the argument.
And then next thing you know, to make up for it, you're not going to be getting
any pussy from her.
And you're going to be doing a whole sink full of fucking dishes that you didn't
dirty.
All right, moving on, but sir, you have all the power there.
Just keep your fucking cool.