Name: Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend Cheated While I was Deployed
Uploaded: 2023-05-16T16:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend Cheated While I was Deployed' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend Cheated While I was Deployed' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-16. Transcript available.

All in, dear Billy Brain Fart, back in December 2012, I was enlisted in the
United States Air Force.
Off we go, into the wild blue yonder, flying into the sky, and we dive.
That's all I know, because that's all they play in the movies, right?
Let's just take credits.
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force?
How about a stronger Air Force?
I'll tell you right now, they won the championship, they feel like they're
unstoppable,
and that's the kind of thing that ends up getting you shot down out of the sky.
You have to feel the weak side pressure of the third world countries.
I mean, planes are disappearing.
Who's to say that these people don't have these things?
All right, despite being engaged, wait a second.
I got engaged, oh yeah, the guy joins the fucking Air Force, all right?
He enlisted.
I got engaged to what I thought was the lady of my dreams.
Life was good.
Unfortunately, I got stationed out of state and had to move.
Despite being engaged, she opted to stay behind in what was supposed to be
temporary.
We managed to keep the spark alive for some time until she lost the engagement
ring in April 2013.
All right, let's stop right there.
Guys are morons, and a man can lose a fucking ring.
All right, the only way a woman can lose a ring is if she's cleaning it near a
sink.
Okay?
And she doesn't understand plumbing, and then later turns on the water and
sends it through the J-trap.
All right?
He's going to feel the weak side pressure on the J-trap on flood-down
situations.
When a woman loses a ring, you've got to understand, like, that's so many of
them.
That's the thing.
The ring.
They get to fucking stick it under their fucking girlfriend's noses.
Yeah, bitch.
Yeah.
Right?
They live for that.
It's like you getting a game-worn jersey.
All right, so she lost the fucking engagement ring.
Wow.
Eventually, things spiraled out of control, and she left me in June of 2013
saying I deserved better.
All right, well, that means either she doesn't love herself.
Like, when I'm saying that you deserve better, what I would immediately think
is that if a woman ever said that to me,
that's like, all right, you fucked around on me, and how many times?
Anyways, this put me in a huge state of depression, to which I credit your
podcast for helping me out.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Come to find out, she banged four different guys from June to August.
There you go.
And those are just the ones she admitted to.
Okay?
That's like when you come home buzzed or drunk in high school, and your parents
go, how many beers have you had?
How many?
What do you say?
Two.
If you're really shit-faced, you'll say four.
And she said four.
So what does that mean?
She had a 12-pack of dick.
All right, in August, she came back into my life after she said she went, she
too went through a depression.
She was living even further away now, but still wanted to try and make things
work some type of way.
Finally, February of this year, I got the chance we were waiting on.
I went house hunting.
Oh, Jesus, dude.
What are you doing?
Where she lived in an attempt to make things right.
Come to find out she had been banging a married guy with kids.
And also talking to someone else while telling me she wanted me.
I confronted her, and she basically said, all I'll ever be to her is a fucking
FaceTime friend.
What?
You confronted her, and she said all I'll ever be to her is a fucking FaceTime
friend.
A week ago, she called me, and now she wants to be friends again.
I love this girl.
That is your problem, sir.
That is the only reason why you're writing me, because everything you're saying,
this is a joke, your decision.
He goes, I love this girl very much despite what she's done to me, kind of like
eating sugar.
It's good, but it fucks you in the long run.
My question to you is, do I throw all my chips in this time, or do I fold?
And yes, I'm probably an idiot.
Either way, thanks for the laughs, and go fuck yourself.
P.S.
Do a show in Mississippi already.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
That's on my bucket list.
I'm going to do one down there.
All right.
Here's the deal, dude.
This is the deal.
Your heart is clouding your brain right now.
All right?
And here's a great expression that somebody said that their therapist told them
one time.
They said, I don't let chaos live in my life.
All right?
This is the deal.
Okay?
She has come from some sort of unhealthy fucking background where she feels
that, yeah, she's got some sort of low self-esteem thing, I'm guessing.
She just thinks that she's a piece of shit and probably doesn't deserve a great
guy like you.
So she deliberately went out and sabotaged it, probably because she's used to
being around a bunch of dysfunctional fucking people.
So when she actually found somebody outside of her wheelhouse, she ran back to
the comfort of that dysfunctional horse shit.
All right?
That is not your fucking problem.
Okay?
When you're trying to find the person that you're supposed to fucking be with,
you have to find somebody that is as right as rain.
All right?
That's why you ask the questions.
Are your parents still together?
What is your relationship?
Like all the red flags.
Both for men and women, listen to this thing.
Okay?
If they have issues with their fucking parents and they don't fucking speak to
them and they have a lot of anger issues towards their family, fucking walk.
Walk.
All right?
If you're young, you're drafting in the first round.
Okay?
Okay?
That's the Des Bryant pick.
Like fucking Bill Belichick.
He passed on that one.
And everyone's like, dude, what are you talking about?
That's a fucking 10.
And look at him.
Not saying the dude isn't a 10.
Not saying he's not a world-class fucking athlete.
But all the baggage that comes with that horse shit.
You got to look at it like that.
So, what you need to do is, you know, all right, you want to compare it to
sugar?
You want to get over your sugar addiction?
Just go cold turkey.
All right?
Six days fucking in.
Okay?
You're going to start to turn and you're going to be looking at candy and cake
and pies going, why the fuck would I ever eat that?
Because it's out of your system.
And that's how you're going to look at her.
Why the fuck would I ever eat that?
Yeah.
Dude, that's not the mother of your kids, man.
You know, that right there is a Hank Williams song waiting to be written.
If you marry her and you have kids with her.
All right?
I mean, dude, that's the kind of woman that could turn you into a fucking
alcoholic.
You need to walk away.
All right?
And you know what?
You live in Mississippi, so you understood that fucking Hank Williams reference.
All right?
Walk away and stay single for a while until you get that craven out of you.
Because it's not fair for you to get into another relationship with that shit
there.
And you probably want to, Bill, how do you know all this shit?
Because I'm a fucking piece of shit and I've done it.
I've been, like, all of these questions, I've been both people.
I've been the person that fucked around.
I've been the person that got fucked around on.
I've made horrible fucking decisions and all of that shit.
And it wasn't until I finally fucking decided to, you know,
stop surrounding myself with fucking people that reminded me of people that I
grew up with.
And actually tried to create a winning culture in the locker room.
So that's what you need to do.
You need to draft character first.
All right?
There's plenty of beautiful women that came from wonderful families.
And that's the one.
That's the keeper.
All right?
I know what the sugar...
Okay?
A woman like this is fucking your brains out.
I know she is.
Okay?
And that's the sugar right there.
Okay?
So you got to let that go.
All right?
Here's the deal.
Next time you're thinking about calling her, rub one out.
I'm dead serious.
Fucking rub one out.
And the second you're done, I bet as your orgasm, you're going to be like,
Oh, thank God I didn't call her.
That's what's going to happen.
All right?
And remember that thought.