Name: Bill Burr is the Oprah for Women
Uploaded: 2023-05-19T16:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr is the Oprah for Women' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr is the Oprah for Women' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-19. Transcript available.

All right, let's plow ahead. Let's get to some advice here this week.
Bill, hey, Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation,
seeing as though you're like the Oprah for men.
No, I'm not. I'm not fucking giving away.
Wait a minute. I don't give away any free shit.
I give away a free podcast, but I'm not going to be like,
everybody gets a brand new car. I don't do that shit.
But I am. I've never been married, and I also have a weird relationship with
the dog.
Maybe I am like her.
I have weight problems.
All right, hey, Bill, I thought I'd ask you for your opinion on my situation,
seeing as though you're the Oprah for men.
But on here, it's useful advice, unlike the unchewed food that spills out of
that woman's mouth.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Oprah's clean. What are you talking about?
She has money to be clean. What do you guys think she eats when she's being fat?
What do you think? Do you think it's stereotypical?
Do you think she just gets soul food, you know, goes back to her old hood
and hugs people, you know, that she grew up with?
And they're like, we're so proud of you. We're still broke. Could you help us
out?
No, I only build schools in third world countries.
It's a lot cheaper. See ya.
So anyway, so I've been seeing this girl for a while now,
but I want to get past that just friends phase for something more serious.
She says she's ready for something more serious, which is great,
but I told her not until she stops flirting with this other guy.
She says he's just a friend, but I said bullshit based on some of the
conversation I've seen between them.
And any time I try and talk about it with her, she gets her tits in a tangle.
I doubt knocking the whole bottom row of his teeth out is going to make the
situation better,
no matter how good it might feel.
So I'm wondering, how should I give this girl...
How should I give this...
What?
How long should I give this girl to get her act together?
I want to be with her, but I can only put up with this bullshit so much.
Yeah, dude, fuck this girl.
See the red flag that...
Just bang her.
Just fucking bang her.
This is a classic girl.
You want to bang this girl?
Stop giving a fuck that she's talking to this other guy.
And then all of a sudden when she's blowing you,
don't think she's blowing you because she likes you.
That's her own fucked up issue.
All right?
You don't want to get in a relationship with someone like this.
I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she's not ready.
To get in a relationship.
She's still playing the field.
That's the best I can say about her.
The worst I can say about her is she's one of these cunts
that's going to always be doing that
because she gets off on the fact that you're going to be getting upset
that she sort of fucking unbuttoned her shirt a little more
as the waiter came over to your table.
You know?
And then what are you going to do?
You can't hit her,
so you're going to end up punching this other fucking guy in the mouth.
For what?
For doing what?
Doing what a guy does?
Tries to bang some hottie?
He's behaving how he's supposed to be behaving.
He doesn't have a relationship with you.
You know?
The problem is the whore in the middle.
Don't get yourself involved in that.
She wants to go blow him.
Let him.
Let him deal with her.
Because I'll tell you,
the second she's playing the same game with him,
I guarantee it,
the second she starts fucking blowing him,
she's going to start looking at somebody else.
All right?
So this is what you do, my friend.
Just say,
Hey, how are you?
How's it going?
This is how you mind fuck a chick like that.
All right?
When I say don't try to fuck her anymore,
I don't mean go to work or whoever you see in this girl
and act like a douche around her.
Start blowing her off and that type of stuff.
Because then you're showing that you care.
You care so much that you're spending all this energy
not paying attention to her
and giving her these bad vibes.
Just when you see her,
just be like,
Hey, how are you?
Give her a big hug or whatever.
How's it going?
And what are you doing this weekend?
I'm hanging out with some friends
and blah, blah, blah.
You know, this weekend isn't good.
You know?
Just get on.
Just give that air
that you're getting on with your fucking life.
And I guarantee you,
you got a great chance
of her panties hitting the fucking floor.
And then when you bang her,
don't be a moron.
Don't think that this girl likes you.
She doesn't.
All right?
You don't need that shit.
Honestly.
You know what I mean?
Think about that.
This is going to be the mother of your kids.
And someday your kid's going to be like,
Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?
Well, you know,
she was kind of, you know,
fucking,
I think giving this other guy
a handjob on the side.
So I was sort of dancing for her attention.
And, uh,
like, you know that cunty shit
she did tonight
when I took you all out for pizza?
You know?
Still taking her old titties out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I actually,
when I really think about it,
I saw that red flag
waving in front of my face
23 years ago
when I met her.
Yeah, fuck this girl.
You got to have some self-esteem here.
You know?
I'm sure she's hot
because that's the only reason
why you'd put up
with this type of behavior.
But, uh,
come on, man.
You don't need that.
One of the hardest things out there
is to try,
as a guy,
is to try to find a good woman.
And one of the hardest things
for them is to try
and find a good guy.
And, uh,
so you got to start off
on the right foot.
You know what I mean?
It's,
I'm just going to keep saying
the same fucking thing
over and over again.
But if this is what she's doing
on the way in
and she's making you audition
for her pussy,
go fuck yourself.
Okay?
Go fuck yourself.
Either you want to come out with me
or you don't.
But you seem like
you're interested
in that guy over there.
So, you know,
go suck his dick.
I'll be over here
in my cubicle
waiting for a decent,
respectable woman
that's worthy
of my attention
to come along.
All right?
So run along there,
fucking little booty shorts.
That's it.
There you go.
There's your fucking advice.
All right?
I hope you take it.