Name: Bill Burr Advice - Happy Marriage Suddenly Turned into a Nightmare
Uploaded: 2023-05-22T16:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Happy Marriage Suddenly Turned into a Nightmare' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Happy Marriage Suddenly Turned into a Nightmare' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Surprise! We're getting a divorce. All right, here's a new story. All right.
Hey, Bill. I know you aren't a therapist, but I think I just want to talk to
anyone at this point.
So here goes. I've been married for just under four years to my wife, who I
dated for four years prior to marriage.
I love being married and have said that to anyone that asked since day one.
We own a nice house together. We have three dogs, pit bulls too, good man, and
both make a decent living.
I share everything in my life with my wife. When something makes me happy, she
knows.
When I'm upset about something, I tell her.
Throughout the course of our relationship, about once a year, she would
suddenly, without warning, say she was unhappy and has been for months.
Oh, God. Here we go.
She says she has discussions with her mom, who loves me and is the sweetest
woman alive,
and close friends about the things that make her unhappy.
But I never hear a word about it until it boils over and she floors me with how
unhappy she is.
Well, that's not fair.
All right. We tried to work it out, though.
Make changes.
She would act like it was okay while bottling it up again.
Once the lid goes on the bottle, there's no opening it again.
Each and every time she calls the unhappiness State of the Union meeting into
session,
I've always been completely honest in saying that I'm very happy with her.
I love our jokes and honestly enjoy spending time and blah, blah, blah.
But Jesus Christ, dude, get to the fucking point.
All right.
Last Wednesday.
Here we go.
We had a good night together.
We went out for dinner and ice cream and laughed at about blah, blah, blah,
blah.
So I thought I'd come home the following night.
In general, great mood.
And she told me she had talked to her mom and a friend and that they recommend
that she talk to me.
I was confused.
More shit about not being unhappy.
Anyways, I wanted anything to make her happy, but she told me she didn't think
there was anything.
It was very emotional as she finally mustered up the courage to say that we
might need to get separated.
I was floored.
And not in an I'm an asshole husband that sits around, drinks beer and watches
football with his buddy way.
I love my wife.
We have free.
Okay, dude.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So the following day, after much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage
counseling so we can work out our happiness.
Dude, I'm not giving you shit that this is – you're pouring your heart out
because this shit just happened.
I understand.
But for the sake of the listeners, I got to fly through this.
I get to agree with her – I get to – I get her – okay.
So the following day – it's like Lord of the Rings here.
After much reluctance, I get her to agree to try marriage counseling so we can
work out her unhappiness.
I was willing to do anything at this point.
I immediately scheduled an appointment with the counselor and was looking
forward to having someone neutral for us to talk to.
Later that night, we were laying in bed and I asked her if there was someone
else in her life.
She said no.
Yeah, dude.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Here we go.
We just went over the waterfall, folks.
Or we're – you know what it is?
No, no.
In this story, we're hearing the waterfall.
And we've just looked at the other person in the raft with a panic look on our
face for that split second before we try to desperately but futilely try and
paddle the fucking thing over to the goddamn coast.
Okay, here we go.
We're going over.
I got a feeling we're going over.
She said no.
There's no one else in my life.
I asked her if she's ever been unfaithful in our relationship, and she adamantly
said no again.
Then she turned out the light and laid down to sleep.
Five minutes later, she sat up and turned the light on.
Oh, fuck.
She told me she just lied to me and said that she had messed around with
someone a year into our marriage.
And he writes in capital letters, what, period, the, period, fuck, period.
I probed her to tell me what messing around was.
That's got to at least be a blowjob.
How did that happen?
Oh, fucking whore.
And after a minute of me guessing, her silence told me that she went down on a
guy she works with.
Oh!
Swear to God I hadn't read this.
Oh, if I was Verzi right now.
Dude, what'd I say?
You heard me.
You heard me.
What the fuck?
Fucking creep.
I was furious and hurt, then furious again.
She cried and cried and said she was sorry.
We cried together.
Dude, you're a bigger man than me.
Well, I tried to wrap my head around how she could possibly have done that to
me.
I've had casual flirting with people over the years, but to act on something
physically with someone other than your spouse is completely disgusting to me.
The worst part is I love this woman more than anyone.
She's been my...
Oh, here we go again.
She's been my best friend for the last eight years.
She knows everything about me.
I want to hate her and make her sleep at her parents' house until we divorce,
but all I want to do is be near her again.
Yeah, dude, that's because...
Yeah, dude.
She was in the hurry-up offense.
That's what happened here.
So now you're scampering, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.
And she has the next three plays that she just called in the huddle.
That's why this is why it sucks to be you right now.
One of my close friends tells me what I know is the right thing.
He goes, let it go.
Don't bother with counseling.
What else has she done that you don't know about?
How can you ever trust her again?
Bill, is it possible for me to forgive my wife?
Am I wasting my time?
Also, I found out who this guy is, and I really wish I hadn't.
Yeah, dude.
Of course, all I wanted to do was show up at the job and beat the shit out of
him like Ed Norton beats the blonde pretty boy up in Fight Club.
He writes, I wanted to destroy something beautiful.
My other thought is, since this guy also cheated on his girlfriend, who he's
still with, he did it with my wife.
I threatened to tell his girlfriend what he'd done, but not actually do it.
Yeah, you don't want to do that.
That way, he'd live in fear of coming home and her knowing everything because I
told her, or he would try to beat me to it and admit to it, hopefully ending
his relationship and getting terminal cancer and AIDS.
Terminal cancer and AIDS.
And you know what?
You're still being a gentleman.
I still think that you're handling this with class, wishing terminal cancer and
AIDS on this guy.
I know you don't give a shit.
Of course I give a shit.
But I've got to occupy my mind, so I thought I'd do it here.
Yeah, dude, why would you think I don't give a shit?
You know, I mean, I'm not a friend of yours, but you know what I mean?
Give me a fucking break.
This is horrific.
All right, your first question.
Bill, is it possible for me to forgive my wife?
Eventually, you're going to have to, or you're going to go on a fucking tear,
and you're going to meet some really damaged fucking women, and they're going
to reinforce everything that you've now found out about your wife.
See, you can't do that.
You're going to go on a fucking hate-fuck-pussy spree that is, yeah, you don't
want to do that.
He said, am I wasting my time?
Yeah, dude, it's over.
She's not happy.
She's not good at communicating.
She puts a lid on it, you know, until it boils over.
This is the deal, dude.
You know what?
This is going to kill you.
All right?
Let's go with the positive.
You don't have any kids with her.
Okay?
You can just walk away.
Okay?
We had a problem, and there's nothing we can do.
It's over.
He didn't make it.
You can just fucking walk away.
Just walk away.
It's over.
All right?
That's a good thing.
All right?
One thing if you had a bunch of kids with this fucking, this person who, for
whatever reason,
couldn't say that they were on.
I don't think that she even wanted to fucking marry you.
I think she ignores her feelings.
She's actually having a fucking breakthrough right now while stomping all over
your fucking heart.
All right?
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Fuck her.
Give me a break, dude.
You fucking, you loved her with all your heart.
You say her mother's a sweetheart.
You got dogs.
You like communicating, dude.
You know something?
You're like the fucking guy.
You're the guy my girl wants me to be.
Every fucking woman wants a guy like that.
You know?
Guy who actually wants to be married.
Guy who actually comes home and communicates.
You know?
A guy who gets along with the mom and all that type of shit.
You're a family man.
All right?
Unfortunately, you know, you met the wrong person.
So forget that, dude.
All right?
Forget it.
Forget it.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
It's over.
Walk away.
Walk away, dude.
Give me a fucking break.
You know what you're talking about there?
You're talking about, like, the amount of fucking shit she has to go through
before she even
learns how to just communicate her fucking emotions.
And the frustration of that's going to mean every once in a while she's going
to blow somebody
at work, are you wasting your time?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Okay?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
And as far as, like, going there and trying to fuck over that other guy, that
other guy is,
he's already, you don't need to fuck him over.
He's fucking himself over.
He's living a life of misery.
That life is miserable.
To fuck around with the person that you're with, with somebody else, that is a
miserable life.
You know?
I don't know.
I think it's something that a lot of guys do, myself included, back in the day,
in my
20s, going into 30s, trying to fucking, you know, figure myself out.
I lived that life, that whole fucking double.
It's horrible.
It's a fucking horrible thing.
And in the end, I ended up alone, and I hurt a lot of people, and I was a
complete piece
of shit.
So, and believe me, dude, it was miserable.
It ended up with me on a fucking futon.
So, yeah, dude, you're, you're, you know, don't become a piece of shit now.
Don't judge other women like that.
Just fucking, you know, yeah, get out of it.
Get out of it, and just know that it's going to be a fucking, I don't know, it's
going to
be a hundred yards of pain that you never fucking dealt with in your life, and
you just got
to go through it, and I would say the next time you get with somebody, make,
you know,
you're going to get serious with somebody, you make goddamn sure that they know
how to
fucking communicate, because that's, that's a scary thing to get with a woman
who doesn't
know how to communicate, because that's something that they're supposed to
teach us how to do,
you know, in a way.
They make you better, because you're like, oh, oh, oh, I can just say, uh, no,
I don't
feel like doing that without fucking punching the wall.
You know, they do that, sort of settle you down.
If you get with some psycho, and she can't settle you down, I mean, she's, uh,
she's damaged
goods, dude.