Name: Bill Burr Advice - How Do I Tell my Christian Wife I'm an Atheist
Uploaded: 2023-05-25T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How Do I Tell my Christian Wife I'm an Atheist' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How Do I Tell my Christian Wife I'm an Atheist' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-25. Transcript available.

All right, here we go.
Some questions for the week.
Hey, Bill, how do I tell my wife I'm an atheist?
Bill, I have the greatest wife in the world,
and we have two wonderful daughters.
This is starting off like a horror movie.
You know what I mean?
How it's always like nice,
there's always like leaves falling in a gazebo,
but there's just that hint of creepy music.
Remember they used to do that back in the 80s
when they couldn't just depend on special effects?
They actually had to build suspense.
That's how this is.
Look at this guy.
He has a great, he has a great,
he has the greatest wife in the world, everybody.
And he has two wonderful daughters.
There's a problem, though.
She is a devout Christian.
All right, dude, why are you acting like you just met her?
You fucking married her.
And he goes,
and I finally decided that I don't believe in any of it.
Oh, that's why.
Oh, well, dude, welcome to enlightenment.
You know,
you can't throw it all out the window,
but, you know,
the seven deadly sins,
the Ten Commandments,
all that shit makes sense,
but all that other stuff, you know,
burning bush,
talking to a bat that's walking on a fucking lake.
I mean, come on.
I mean, are we adults here or what?
You know?
You have to throw your first baby over a cliff to show that you love me.
Hey, I was just fucking with you.
You passed the...
What the...
What is that?
Booming voice coming from the clouds.
You know?
I just don't buy it.
Something's coming back.
Like, for the love of God,
what is it waiting for?
You know what I mean?
Is Jesus like Thurman Thomas trying to find his fucking helmet during the Super
Bowl?
Is that what's going on here?
That's two Thurman Thomas references two weeks in a row.
You find another fucking podcast that does it three weeks in a row,
and goddammit, you should stop listening to this one.
Anyways, he says,
I finally decided that I don't believe in any of it.
I thought about telling her the old joke,
we're both atheists,
I just believe in one less God than you do.
But she wouldn't find that funny at all.
She is okay.
She is okay for now going to church without me because I work nights.
But I have a feeling that when the kids get a little older,
that I will have to become more involved.
Should I tell her now or just let it be and hope that it never comes up?
Well, I have to tell you, sir,
if you do in fact have the greatest wife in the world,
she will accept you for who you are.
And if you're an atheist and you don't believe in the stuff that she believes
in,
then, you know, there you go.
This is what I would do.
Let her take him to church.
I don't know what to do.
You know what would be funny?
What if you took up needlepoint, okay?
And when you went to church,
you just did needlepoint with your legs crossed in the most effeminate way
possible.
Maybe that's the way you do it,
like some passive-aggressive way
that you so embarrassed the most wonderful wife in the world
that she asked you not to come.
You know?
What if you do like a needlepoint that just is like little atheistic sayings
and you make pillows,
and when they have like the church drive,
like the bake sale,
and they wash your car,
you sell the pillows that you sewed during the Mass.
Oh, you know what?
And they say,
Jesus is Lord,
but it's almost like one of those Pink Floyd songs
that if you play it,
I don't know,
if you listen to something,
they got like hidden messages or something,
or maybe they never did.
Maybe just these Jesus freaks did.
That's going to really freak them out.
They have like subtle messages
in like the outskirts of the pillow
about this is all a bunch of bullshit.
And you don't believe in pedophilia.
You know?
Oh, Jesus.
They'll give me some fucking emails.
Anyways, what did he ask?
Should I tell her now,
or just let it be
and hope that it never comes up?
You're basically saying,
should I man up and be who I am,
or should I stick my head in the sand?
Okay?
Those are your two options.
So I'm going to throw this back at you, sir.
What kind of man do you want to be?
Do you want to be the kind of man
that sticks his head in the fucking sand
when there's a confrontation?
Or do you want to be that guy
that just sits down and just says,
listen, sweetheart.
I tried.
I just don't believe it.
Okay?
And I think it's great that you believe it.
If you want to go down there
and sing the songs,
shake some hands,
close your eyes, right?
Make a pledge for Jesus.
Whatever the hell you want to do,
you go down there and you do that.
All right?
It's like watching football.
I like doing it.
You know, you're not into it.
I don't make you watch football, do I?
I don't do that.
You know why?
Because I'm the greatest husband in the world.
Why don't you try that?
Just ask her.
Just ask her.
Listen.
Wait, does she know?
She knows that you're not going.
Ah, Jesus.
You know what?
You might want to give her a little Jesus juice
and get her a little liquored up.
I don't want to...
You know what, dude?
You got to tell her.
You know, I don't like how you're deliberately working.
I feel like you're deliberately working late on Sundays
or early on Sundays,
whenever the hell she goes,
so you can just avoid this.
You're avoiding shit, sir.
And this is a snowball.
All right?
A snowball of Jesus
and it's rolling right down towards you
and at some point
it's going to roll over you.
You know?
And there's going to be some fucking creep
in church
like that priest on the fucking Sopranos
that's going to come over
and fucking hold her hand
when you're out there
doing your little job there.
All right?
So I say you just tell her.
Just say...
Look, just be...
Don't be a douche.
Just say I totally respect...
I mean, I'm fucking around
because I've got to make this shit funny.
I don't care if you believe in that shit.
God bless you.
You know?
You know what?
I hope you're right
so you can laugh at me
when we all die.
That's so...
Really?
I'm going to hell
for the rest of my fuck...
for the rest of my life.
You don't think that's a little overkill?
I think the Rockefeller laws
are fucking bad.
Anyways, um...
Yeah, just say,
look, I respect that you're into
that type of stuff
and listen,
you know what, dude?
Who gives a fuck?
Somebody took you to church.
Somebody took you to church
and you, after a while,
realized that you didn't
believe in it.
So if she wants to take
the kids to church,
just let her take them to church.
But your wife has to be okay
with the fact that
if they say,
Daddy,
how come you don't go down
and pray to the hippie?
You can say,
because I don't believe
in that stuff.
I don't think it happened.
Okay?
In a couple of years,
you'll understand
what I mean
when I tell you about
old Saint Nick,
when I tell you
the real story.
You know?
There you go.
Santa Claus for adults
every Sunday.
All right.