Name: Bill Burr Advice - How to Raise Twins
Uploaded: 2023-05-26T16:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Raise Twins' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Raise Twins' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Viking twins and oh, Jesus, Viking twins and Jesus.
Bill, I know you're tired of relationship advice, but this may but maybe this
will be different.
Here's the deal. I'm having goddamn twins in September.
Well, congratulations. I've been married for nearly six years now.
I love my wife and I'm definitely stoked on having children with her.
However, while she is a Christian, I am not and I am a little concerned.
And then what does he write? All fucking. Greedy. All fucking ready.
He wrote that. He wrote that all is one word, everybody.
If you think I'm dumb and he wrote he wrote all is a L. No spaces.
OK, stop rolling your eyes feeling that you're smarter than me.
He says, I'm a little concerned about what our kids are going to learn if we
decide to go to church.
And whatnot. I'm just not sure that I want my children to learn about hell and
sin and all that other bullshit.
That's just not a story for fucking kids. You know, like you'd be but you
better be good or when you fucking die, you're going to burn for goddamn
eternity.
I want my kids to be happy. I want my kids to be happy.
I don't want them expecting a bitch slap from some imaginary figure if they
tell a fucking lie or something.
Kids should be innocent and full of wonder and gay and all that shit, you know.
That's so funny how guys can't just write happy stuff.
You got to somehow tap out, you know, they should be happy.
They should go sledding and all that shit, you fucking cunt.
You know, we always got to do that.
Anyhow, I'm not exactly sure what Nia believes, but you guys.
But if you guys had kids, would this be an issue for you, too?
No, neither one of us goes to church.
Another. So we're going to go to hell.
Another problem is that either way sucks.
If they believe in hell, they'll live in fear.
If the little shitheads believe what I believe, they'll think they're just
going to.
Goddamn rot in the fucking ground and disappear when they die.
So they'll be bitter, cynical and fucking miserable, just like their father.
Now, I disagree with that because I think you just go into the ground.
That's what I think.
But that's not why I'm bitter and cynical.
I'm bitter and cynical because of like that fucking email that I got from that
50 year old real estate guy.
Who wants me to side with the banker cunts and no one will pick up an axe and
go into these gated communities and get these pencil pushing pussies.
You know.
And every fucking week we work.
We got to take our fucking check and take it down to the goddamn bank and give
it to him.
You know.
Acting like this is a safer place to have than stuffing it in your mattress.
You know.
You might as well stuff it in a mattress.
You're never going to walk in and your mattress is going to have a lock on it
and be like, yeah, fucking that's closed.
Go fuck yourself.
And I know what other people are saying.
Well, you know.
What if somebody breaks into your house?
Does anybody look under the mattress at this point?
It's such a cliched place to put a couple hundred bucks.
You know.
I don't fucking know.
You can't wait.
That's why I'm cynical.
That's why I'm cynical.
Okay.
Because, you know, I'll talk to hockey fans.
Okay.
And they'll have the biggest dirtbag piece of shit intent to injure guy on
their team.
But because he plays for them, they don't give a fuck.
And they'll put him in their ring of honor.
And then if somebody does something to their team, then they're flipping out
going, that guy should be out of the league.
That's why I get bitter and cynical is because it's depressing.
It's depressing that the amount of people that just look out their own heads.
And, you know, if it's good for me, then it's fucking good.
And I don't give a shit.
And they, you know, they lack empathy.
That's why.
But not because you're going in the fucking ground.
So I wouldn't equate it to that.
Anyways, my solution thus far is just to go Norse, you know.
No, I don't.
Die in fucking battle.
Die in fucking battle, sons.
And you'll get to be members of the.
Inner heart jar.
I don't know.
Is this some Lord of the Rings shit?
Fight and die every day only to be resurrected at night to feast with Odin and
Valhalla.
I don't know what any of this is.
Something when you and your fellow ghost warriors fight the fucking wolf and
Fenrir until the end of time.
That's a badass speech.
If I knew how to fucking pronounce it.
That's one of those things where you're walking around with that thing on your
arm for a falcon to land on.
When you go to shake hands, you grab the other guy's forearm.
He goes, I think that's the way to go.
I have absolutely no idea how to really relay these concerns to my wife without
offending her.
Yeah, I mean, considering you're right in me, I get it.
But I think I care enough about my kids to make this an issue.
My kids are going to be complete, completely mediocre and never accomplish
anything.
Then there's no need to heat.
Oh, what?
My kids are going to be completely mediocre and never accomplish anything.
There's no need to heap hell on that pile.
What do you think?
All right.
Well, I was with you until you said your kids are going to be mediocre.
You can't say that to them.
You got to give them that head start.
You got to build them up.
See, now I got to talk to you about two things.
I mean, I don't know.
You're really far down the fucking road.
Six years in and now you're having kids to finally bring up the religious issue.
This is really something that should have been discussed before you got married.
But I get it.
You fell in love with this person.
You can't pick who you fall in love with, as they say.
I would just sit down and tell her what you told me.
And then when she was like, well, why did you bring this up six years ago?
Use the line I just said.
Just say, because I love you.
I saw you and there's nothing I could do.
I fell in love with you.
I think you're great.
And, you know, now I just want to discuss this with you.
And I'd like to do it without you crying and making me feel like a bully.
Because I, you know, these are half my kids, too.
So what if once a week, every other week, you scare the shit out of them?
And every other week we go into the backyard and I dig a hole and go, that's
where you end up.
You can sort of balance it out.
Yeah, dude, I don't know.
I don't know how to do it other than you just have to sit down and talk to her.
And just say, listen, I don't mind spirituality.
I don't mind, you know, believing in a higher power and everything.
But I really think it's a lot to heap on the whole heaven and hell thing.
And I think when they're young enough, when they go to church, they're just
going to be bored and not know what people are talking about.
And I think it'd be a great thing for their self-esteems if you and I didn't
drive away and try to communicate all that hell shit to them.
All right.
Maybe she can still take them to church, but just keep reinforcing that this
thing loves them.
All right.
That is a fucked up thing to just bring that into their lives.
You're going to burn forever.
Have fun playing Frisbee.