Name: Bill Burr Advice - Living With Girlfriend's Parents
Uploaded: 2023-05-27T16:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Living With Girlfriend's Parents' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Living With Girlfriend's Parents' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-27. Transcript available.

Why don't we go right to the advice page.
I actually responded to this person in print.
I actually emailed them back.
But I have to read this to all my listeners just in case someone else is in
this situation.
All right?
Okay.
The guy writes, good morning, sunshine.
I like that when people start it off nice.
You know, every once in a while, get a nice good morning, sunshine.
Instead of, hey, read this, you cunt.
Anyways, let's read this, shall we?
Are you ready?
Okay.
Gather round, everyone.
I guess I'll just cut to the chase here.
Very nice.
I appreciate that.
I've been with my girlfriend for about two and a half years now.
Oh, jeez.
The last two years, two of those years, we've been living together, sharing
bills, rent, etc.
Jeez, this sounds like a nice situation.
What could go wrong?
The whole serious relationship thing.
We've had our ups and downs.
But for the most part, the arrangement is working out for the better.
I have a roommate I can fuck without things getting awkward.
We both make the same amount of money.
And we enjoy many of the same things.
So, here's the problem.
She's going to start nursing school in about six months.
This means she can no longer work at all, leaving me to pay for everything.
I wouldn't mind doing this if I could afford to, but I can't.
So, she has decided that she wants to move in with her parents again for the
two years she's in school.
She's invited me to move in with her and her parents.
Just pausing here, so every guy listening to this could be like, oh my God, don't
do it!
Move in with her and her parents so that I, too, could save some money.
I don't want to move in with their parents, though.
Yeah, Jesus, there's a shocker.
Don't get me wrong.
They're great people and all, but come on.
I'm a 28-year-old man, and I can't imagine living under somebody else's roof,
no matter how cool they are.
When I was kicked out of my parents' house at 18, I had to couch surf with
friends' families until I was able to support myself.
From that point on, I've enjoyed the independence of having a place of my own
to call my home.
Even if I had roommates, it was partly my place, and I could feel comfortable
doing as I pleased in a house of my peers.
My girlfriend thinks I'm being unreasonable.
She says it's an ego thing.
Maybe it is.
Is that so wrong, though?
Am I the only one in the world that doesn't want to live with his girlfriend's
parents?
Because of this situation, her and I have been discussing how moving out of the
same house would affect our relationship and if we should continue dating.
Oh, God.
All right.
There's a lot of layers to this.
Okay, first and foremost, you referred to your girlfriend as a roommate you can
fuck.
So this doesn't sound like the girl you want to spend the rest of your life
with, but just in case you just wrote that shit because you were trying to be
funny, you know, make me laugh or something on the podcast listeners.
Let's just take this at fucking face value and say, this is the girl that you
want to spend your life with.
Dude, don't move in with their parents.
It's not what you want to do.
You're not going to be happy.
And, you know, you have every right to say, I don't want to, I don't want to
move in with you in your parents' house.
You know, and I'm going to tell you right now, she is going to do everything
that she can to try to mind fuck you into thinking that you're being a selfish
piece of shit when actually she is being the selfish one.
That is absolutely fucking ridiculous that she thinks you, as a 28-year-old
fucking man, not married to her, you know, who can financially support himself,
is then going to fucking go move in with her goddamn parents?
Tommy, would you like some eggs?
You're going to go back to that?
What did I tell you about leaving your fucking sneakers near the Davenport?
Dude, fuck all of that.
Fuck all of that.
Stand your ground, okay?
Now, this is what, like, women have, like, I think, like, five or six different
ways that they can try to convince you.
And it's all done with emotion, okay?
They have this sweet way of doing it.
They could be like, no, you know, it could be nice, you know?
Get to know my parents better.
You like my parents, right?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
All that type of stuff.
Or then they can go the childlike way.
Well, you've got to be nice if you moved in with me, right?
They can use sex.
Come on, it could be fun.
They got that big bed downstairs.
Right?
Or they can go to anger.
Actually, they go to us crying.
That's another one.
I don't understand it.
If you love me, why would you move in with me?
My parents don't.
I don't understand what the difference is.
And then finally, anger.
Okay?
Now, anger always comes fucking last.
As far as I know.
They might go back to tears.
But you have to understand that when you get to anger,
and they start pushing your buttons,
where they say shit, like they start challenging your manhood,
it's an ego thing, yada, yada, yada,
whatever the fuck they want to say.
This is where every guy loses an argument with a woman.
You have to understand that when a woman gets mad
and starts just pushing your buttons,
they say shit like they start challenging your manhood,
it's an ego thing, yada, yada, yada,
whatever the fuck they want to say.
This is where every guy loses an argument with a woman.
You have to understand that when a woman gets mad
and starts just pushing your buttons,
okay, that is the female version of the Hail Mary.
All right?
Now, I know you guys all watch fucking NFL.
What does Tom Jackson say when they throw the fucking Hail Mary?
What do you do?
Knock it down!
That's what you do.
And you knock it down by just being calm.
Now, if she just says a bunch of shit in fucking anger,
and you actually respond to the shit and insult her back,
that's like taking an unnecessary roughness call
after you just stop the other team,
fourth and fucking goal to end the game.
Now, it's a penalty.
They got a first down.
You gave them a whole fucking four set of downs
to try to get in the fucking end zone.
You fucked up.
You had the game won because you lost your cool.
Don't ever lose your cool.
So this is what you do.
Just let her say all the shit she's going to say.
Let her go through the fucking 58 fucking emotions
and all the techniques she's going to try.
The Superman punch, fucking arm bar, rear naked choke,
all the shit she's going to try.
And you just stick to your fucking guns.
Just say, I understand why you want to do it.
I respect what you're saying here.
I don't want to do it.
I'm not going to be happy.
I don't want to move in with your parents.
I'm not saying I don't love you.
I'm not saying I'm not going to support you.
But I don't want to move in with your parents.
It's not going to make me happy.
And you just keep – you stick with that.
All right?
Like a fucking talking head for a corporation
that just polluted the ocean.
It's an unfortunate situation.
We are exhausting all resources
to see how we can rectify the situation.
And we have no further comment at this time.
You just have to stick with that.
And then in the very fucking end,
when she starts fucking challenging your manhood,
your fucking whatever,
whatever fucking childhood shit you told her
or whatever weakness you have,
and she starts trying to bring that out,
you feel that fire burning in your belly,
you just put it out with calmness.
You just stay calm.
Okay?
And if you feel like you're going to lose your cool,
this is what you just say.
You just say, listen,
you're being really hostile right now.
I think maybe we should discuss this
later on today or possibly tomorrow
when you're in a calmer mood.
And then that's it, dude.
That's it.
That's the end of the fucking game.
You just knocked it down to the ground.
And she would get fucking mad
and she could flip out all the fuck she wants.
She might even start knocking your shit off the dresser.
She's just looking for a reaction.
She's lost the argument.
She's lost the argument.
And you just don't take the fucking bait.
And you know what the sad thing is?
Is I know this shit
and I still take the fucking bait
a good 60% of the time.
You know why?
Because they're that fucking good.
I'm drinking another smoothie, by the way.
And you know why they're that fucking good?
Because they don't have the option
to just kick the shit out of you.
You know?
See, we only go like three levels in.
We have like a couple approaches we can do
and then we always go,
well, then I'm going to beat the fuck out of you.
Right?
But then you get to a female,
that option's gone.
So now you're showing up, right?
It's like you're playing tennis.
All you got is a forehand.
All she's got to do is hit it to your backhand
and you're fucked.
And it's over.
So I'm telling you,
you guys out there,
you got to add to your argument arsenal.
Okay?
Practice it.
Just get yourself,
just, you know what you got to do?
You got to visualize it.
All right?
Because you're going to fuck up
if you just try to do it in an argument.
Just lay there
and just think of all the mean shit
that she could possibly fucking say to you
and just practice being calm.
And the joy that you're going to take
when you say,
you're being really hostile right now.
I think it'd be better
if we discussed it a little bit later,
possibly tomorrow
when you're in a calmer mood.
And just seeing that pause
and that look on her face
as her eyes narrow,
like this motherfucker
figured me out.
It's one of the great moments.
You know?
It's like that dude in Jurassic Park
when he actually had respect
for those,
whatever those fucking,
those Raptors were.
one douche to another douche
who recognizes douche game.
Right there.
All right.
So there you go.
That's how you handle it.
No, you know,
and this is right now.
And she,
of course she's going to say,
I don't know if we should continue dating.
She's trying,
you know,
maybe this is a fucking ego thing.
She's trying all of this shit.
And she actually has already
half mind fuck you
because you said,
she says it's an ego thing.
And then you said,
maybe it is.
You know?
Is that so wrong though?
Am I wrong for feeling the things
that I actually feel?
That's how fucking much
she's in your fucking head.
Like those little maggots
that they stuck in those fucking helmets
of those guys in Star Trek.
Remember that?
And it fucking climbed in their ears.
They were never the same.
Okay?
That's what a woman does.
It's what they do, man.
I'm fucking sorry.
But that's what they do.
Pimp does the same fucking thing.
All right?
But, you know,
I don't fucking know.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
All right?
You can't have that.
You just gotta fucking remain calm
and never get involved
in the insulting thing.
Now, this isn't straight across the board.
And listen, dude,
if you just completely fucked up
like you forgot her birthday
and she's flipping out
and fucking calling you
an insensitive fucking asshole,
you need to apologize.
Don't, you know,
if you forget her birthday
and like step on her birthday cake
and she's screaming at you,
don't be sitting there
with frosting on your foot
going,
okay,
you're being really hostile right now.
I think it'd be better
to discuss this later
when you're a little bit calmer,
possibly tomorrow,
because you're gonna have
every kitchen knife
is gonna be coming at you
and it will be
a justifiable homicide.
You know?
I was kidding.
They justify every fucking thing
they do.
It's fucking ridiculous.
What the fuck?
I was talking about something.