Name: Bill Burr Advice - Can I Sleep With My Friend's Ex?
Uploaded: 2023-05-30T16:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Can I Sleep With My Friend's Ex?' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Can I Sleep With My Friend's Ex?' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Uh, advice, buddy's ex. What's up, Billy boy? I need a little unlicensed of
that unlicensed
advice that you've been doling out. I like that this guy said that this is my
unlicensed advice
that you should not listen to because, uh, I do not have a degree in anything.
All right. I am
about two shades below Dr. Phil. That's how bad I am at this. Okay. That wasn't
pumping me up.
That was dragging him down. Uh, my friend recently broke up with a girl he's
been dating for a while
and wouldn't, and wouldn't you know it? This girl is the tits. I've been
friendly with this guy for
almost a year and his girls was always with us when we hung out. Ah, Jesus. All
right. I can tell you
right now, just go ahead and bang her and say goodbye to your friendship. Um,
from the moment I met her,
I've liked her and wanted to bang her. Oh, wait, but you just want to fuck her.
Uh, dude, this is dirty.
This is dirty. She's the kind of girl I imagine when I think of a girl I would
want to have a relationship with.
Go fuck yourself. You said you wanted to bang her first. Are you like some sadistic
guy who just wants
to, uh, fuck this girl and fuck her better than your friend? So you can just be
behind her going,
yeah, you like that bitch. Huh? You like that? You one of those guys? He's
trying to paint a good picture here,
but I'm not buying it. Classy, attractive, funny, the whole shebang. Dude,
right off the bat, the first thing
you said was you wanted to bang her. I don't know. You're trying to be funny. I'll
give you the benefit of the doubt.
Uh, let's plow ahead. Uh, I've even developed feelings. Feelings? Question mark?
I know that's
gay. Fuck you. Uh, for her. See how guys we just can't, we just, we're not
allowed. I actually like
this girl. I actually feel like I could spend, like, I can't even say that
without having that.
Oh, oh my God. Fucking tone in my voice. Um, let me see if I can just say it
how I say it. I really
like this girl. I think I could spend my life with her. Okay. That just sounded
like a bad read.
There's no way to say it without being like, I don't just feel like I just
really connect with her.
Ah, go fuck yourselves. Uh, I've even developed feelings for her quickly. I
liked hanging out with
her whenever she tagged along. I never flirted with her or anything like that,
but I did rubber
muff under the table. Come on, dude, you're leaving some shit out. He didn't
say that last part, but
come on. But we did get along pretty well. I would and still do think about her
all the time.
Some real grade school crush type shit. Now they've broken up and she's single
and ready,
presumably to do some revenge banging. Yeah, dude, you're a piece of shit, but
God bless
you. She was hot enough. I'd probably do it. No, I wouldn't. My younger days, I
would. I
wouldn't. Maybe I would. I don't know. I'm not going to judge you. Anyways, see
where I'm
going with this? Yeah. I saw where you were going with it from the second I
started reading
it. Anyway, unlike most guys, I don't want to just bang this broad. I want, I
want to be
with her. Do the whole boyfriend thing. But I know doing so would break one of
the most
important rules of male friendship. Never fuck your friends, girl. However, the
power
of pussy has me thinking that's crazy and that the best, and that's the best
thing for me
to do. However, the power of pussy has me thinking that's crazy and that the
best thing for me
to do is wait four to six months until things settle down and see if she feels
the same way
that I do. I'm not sure if she will, but I'm willing to try and find out
despite the
ramifications. What do I do, Bill? Should I go after this awesome girl risking
my friendship
or do I go bros before hoes, forget her and wait for the next whore du jour? Or
am I just
batshit crazy? Jesus, dude. Like, I can't figure you out. You're sitting here
talking like you're
goo goo ga ga, and then you're also just saying like you just kind of want a banger.
All right,
this is what I'm going to tell you. Okay? Rather than just telling you it, I'm
going to tell you
that this is what I'm going to tell you before telling you that, thus eating up
more time in
this horrific podcast. This is the sad thing about getting older. Okay? When
your friends get older
and they get married and they have kids, you barely see them anymore. It sucks.
Okay? And if they have
some, if they married some fucking douchebag who, you know, and they just gave
their balls away in
the relationship, you're never going to see them again. But if they actually
have a cool wife who
lets them go out and hang out with the fellas, you're still only going to see
each other once in a
while you got to raise kids. So in the long run, if you feel like this girl
might be the one you got
to do it. You can't, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. But
if this is just some
sadistic shit where it was, she was, you just wanted to bang her cause she was
around, you know,
and you saw like, it's just like, dude, I got to tell you, if you bang that
girl and afterwards,
you're not feeling anything, dude, it's like now she's got something on you.
And if she's a psycho and
if they had a bad breakup, you could better fucking believe like that's like,
that's chicks ways of
getting back at guys. Like they'll go out and fuck their friends. Um, I mean,
just, I mean, you want
just like hell hath no fury as they say, like a woman scorned. And if it's a
bad breakup, like
women, they, they want to throw all your shit out in the front lawn, light it
on fire. Okay. And
that's not enough to fucking go after your material things. Okay. That's what
they want to do. They
want to leave you with, and then we'll go out and go bang all your fucking
friends and then let you
know about it. So then you lose all your friends. You lose your entire wardrobe.
You're standing there
like a flood victim, just tearing up as it starts to rain, as you stand on the
fucking front porch
of some dilapidated fucking three family house. That's how they want to leave
you. They're fucking
nuts. Some of them. Okay. So you know the deal, dude, you're stepping,
shit. You're looking at a field, you know, it's a minefield and you want to
walk across
it anyways, because there's a woman at the other side of it, which this is a
classic Shakespearean
tale about ready to unfold. So, and I can say that having never read
Shakespeare, I tried
to read it. It's more complicated than the Bible. Um, I, you know, I don't know,
dude,
I don't, you, you have to, you got to figure out where the fuck you're at with
this shit.
All right. Do you really like this girl? Do you really think she's the one or
was she just around
long enough that you just were thinking about her and you, you know, looking at
a tan fucking thighs
or a fucking titties or a goddamn mouth or something? You just like, I'd be
wondering what it would be
like, you know, and you just sat there doing that the whole fucking time. There
always is that
excitement that all your guy friends have when you break up with a hot girl.
Cause they're all like,
Oh God, I always wanted to fuck that girl. Uh, Jesus Christ. Right. And you
guys have that
conversation with each other and that's how you fucking talk like a bunch of
pirates. You sit
to, Hey, did you hear, uh, Mike and Joanne broke up. Can you believe that? Yeah,
that's fucking
crazy. And then you guys sit there and then there's that half second pause and
you both just start
laughing because you know, like, dude, we can't, we can't. Oh geez. I would
love to. I would love
to. Yeah. I won't say anything. You don't fucking say anything. It's just, it's
fucking brutal.
It's brutal. And then the guy's all insecure. Cause this is the bottom line is
if, you know,
that's why you don't bring your girl around. You don't bring your girl around
because you do it
enough. Your guy friends are going to want to fuck her, you know? And then she
kind of gets to know
them. And then did you already do that stupid fucking phone call when you call,
Hey, you know,
just calling up just to say, I'm sorry. You guys broke up. I thought you guys
look great together,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And try to catch her in that weak fucking moment.
Did you do that?
You predator? Ah, we all have, um, that is a shit storm, sir. There's no, uh,
there's no way out of
that. Um, and there's no way you're going to wait six to eight months because
if the girl's hot enough
in six to eight months, she's already going to have somebody else. And if you
come back around again,
it's going to be like her going backwards. So there, see what I did? I just lit
a candle on
your ass to go fucking do it. Ah, it gives a shit. Let me know how it works out.