Name: Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Makes More Money Than Me
Uploaded: 2023-06-04T15:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Makes More Money Than Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Makes More Money Than Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-04. Transcript available.

All right, number two, dear Billy eats too much cake, bitch tits, brr.
Well, that was just, you know, too long to be funny, but, you know, just enough
detail to be mean.
All right, hey, hi, I am 28-year-old male.
28 years old was the last time I had abs, and I'll tell you right where I lost
them.
I went to that carny hot dog fucking train car, and I went in there.
Somebody goes, have you ever tried chili cheese fries?
And I said, no, I have not, and I ate those fucking thing, and my belly has
been distended ever since.
But they were delicious.
Speaking of which, I went back there yesterday or two days ago because I was
hungry.
I needed something quick, and what's better than a hot dog?
Quick, right?
And they had the Red Baron, old Freckles, old Fire Engine Red Freckles got the
Red Baron.
It was absolutely delicious.
I got one.
It was perfect, and shout out to them.
All right, anyway.
Hi, I'm a 28-year-old male, and I have a what I should have said story.
A few years back, I worked with a girl, and because of the laws of proximity
and horniness, we started dating.
Both our jobs conveniently started ending at the same time, so we were both
looking for jobs at a similar time as well.
I found a job pretty quickly while she went through interviews.
Finally, after a few months, she found a pretty awesome job, and they hired her.
Good for her, right?
Well, little did I know she would turn into a total cunt because power and
psychopaths mix like coke and booze.
Did she mean a new guy at the job, I'm guessing?
Well, we traded stories about our new job, and she constantly one-upped me.
She even would brag about how she was making more money right to my face.
Oh, God.
There we go.
That's a great one.
This is what feminists would say.
Well, you should be strong enough.
You should be strong.
It's like, well, if a guy was making more money than you, and he threw it in
your face, would you enjoy that?
That's different.
Why is that, hairy-leg fucking person?
Because it happened to me.
All right.
One day, as the relationship was ending, and I was finding self-respect again,
we were riding in the car, and she was being cunty as usual.
She blurted out,
I always tell my coworkers that if they ever need me, my door is always open
now.
Now, at the time, I didn't really respond because I still wanted to bang her,
but this made me lose it on the inside.
Literally, as soon as she got out of the car and was out of earshot, I said to
myself,
well, bitch, you work in a fucking cubicle, so you don't have much of a choice.
It was just the last straw in a series of ridiculous bragging from her.
Anyway, I think about that at least once a month.
I kind of want to call her just to say it, but fuck it.
Water under the bridge, I guess.
Yeah, dude, it is.
And you had a great line, too.
I mean, dude, if you did that right then and then broke up with her on top of
that,
there's a reason why that happens in movies.
Because it's a movie, it's not real.
To fucking be able to do that in real time.
I remember one time I was on this, I think I've told this story before.
That's all of my stories at this point, when you do a podcast solo for the
better part of fucking two decades.
I did this trip.
It was me, my brother, and my grandmother at the time.
I know.
We were great grandkids, okay?
She was alone at the time.
We said, hey, we're going to go see the Southwest.
Why don't you come along with us, right?
So we'd take her to all the tourist sites during the day.
And at night, me and my brother would go out and get ripped.
You know, we had a great fucking time.
So anyway, but we brought her along.
Grand Canyon and all of that shit.
So at one point, we went into some fucking restaurant somewhere around the
Grand Canyon.
And we went in there.
And there was some fucking waitress.
And she fucking hated her job.
And she was being, it was so, I look back to it now.
It was almost like an SNL character.
And she was just going like, she was like, can I help you?
Would you like anything to drink?
Like she was talking to us like that, right?
So finally, it came around to me.
And I just go, yeah, can I get two eggs over easy, some bacon, and some toast?
She goes, what kind of toast?
And I go, white toast, right?
And it got real fucking quiet.
And she glared at me.
And I glared at her for half a second.
And then I looked away because I was like, it's just going to be, I don't even
know why.
I fucking, I bitched up.
I looked away.
But when she left, I remember my grandmother was very proud of me.
She, you know, the old fucking, you know, lived through the depression grip,
grabbed my hand.
I go, is that too much?
And she goes, no, her attitude is terrible.
Oh, her attitude is terrible.
Because that was, she came up in the time when the customer was always right.
But then I'm not going to lie to you, man.
I kept my eye on her the whole time when she was making my toast to make sure
she didn't fucking spit on it.
But that's the closest I think I ever came.
In real, before I became like a comedian, and I could do it on stage just
because that's what you have to do.
I learned to do that.
But still, off stage, I still can't, I still don't do it.
I still don't do it.
I can definitely, like, you know, do a tirade of F-bombs, you know, and then
make whatever the other person just did pale in comparison to whatever the fuck
I just said.
I'm not talking about not being able to, I've done that.
You know, because of this time, I can't even say what the fuck I said.
But I actually, this guy, I'm going to tell this story at some point.
I'm just going to tell the story.
But I have to tell it to someone who's gay.
What I said to this guy in a crosswalk that I almost ran over because I didn't
see him, and I tried to apologize to him, and he wouldn't have it.
Whatever, I'll tell that story someday.