Name: Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Was a P***STAR
Uploaded: 2023-06-10T17:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Was a P***STAR' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Was a P***STAR' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-10. Transcript available.

All right.
Lights, camera, dumped.
Bill, I'm a 29-year-old guy and recently broke up with a funny, attractive, and
all-around great girl.
Oh, Jesus.
Why, sir, would you do that, you ask?
All right.
Two things.
Her dad was born without teeth, and you're worried your baby will if you breed
with her or some sort of odor.
Here we go.
Well, let me tell you, this girl and I have been dating for about three months,
and we had a great thing going.
She's half Afro-Cuban, half Puerto Rican, and really sexy.
She had a rough upbringing, but I didn't care because she's honest, easygoing,
and not bitchy like so many girls I've dated.
She was a bit needy, but I didn't mind.
We were out at a bar one night having a few drinks, and I was feeling pretty
good.
I was looking at a couple of floozies at the end of the bar, and I asked her if
she's ever been with another woman.
She coyly looked at me and said, yes.
Good stuff, I thought.
Yeah, dude, this is a fucking fantasy right here.
Fucking red shoe diaries.
Then I proceeded with, have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a
guy?
Again, she answered, yes.
Okay, kind of slutty, but I'm no saint.
Well, I couldn't stop there.
Oh, God, you're going to go for the rotisserie question.
What's in the box?
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
Strap yourselves in for this one.
Well, I couldn't stop there, so I asked, have you ever had a threesome with two
guys?
She looked down at the ground, and she looked up a bit ashamedly and said, yes.
Wow, skank alert, I thought.
I then asked her one more question.
I knew this one could back for, where the fuck do you go from here?
Like throwing the high heat to Albert Pujols.
Albert Pujols, I finally asked, wait, have you ever been in a porn?
She then blushed and looked me in the eye and said, yeah.
I looked at her calmly and was like, oh, but inside I was like, Jesus fucking
Christ.
Yeah, as well, you should.
You know, those first couple, I mean, you can, okay, let's break this down here.
All right, she's been with, she's had a threesome with another girl and a guy.
Who gives a fuck right there, all right?
You already knew she banged another guy, all right?
But the fact that she also did it with another girl, that takes a little
fucking,
that tones down his dick and her pussy, right?
This is how guys think, women, I'm sorry, all right?
That's something in the, is it the credit?
Ah, Bill, why do you try to talk accounting shit?
You're too dumb.
All right, that one's all right.
The two guys thing.
Now, you can look the other way on that, maybe if it was in another state.
But it can't be in the same state.
Because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking, you know,
were high-fiving as they fucking banged her, I mean, I don't know about that
one.
But then the third one, she did a porno.
I mean, yeah, no, that's, you got to walk away from that.
Or you have to go to NASA to get tested for the latest fucking STDs, I would
think.
And then also, God knows what's going on mentally, that you would do that.
What?
I just like sex.
No, no, no.
There's something going on.
Who doesn't like sex?
I don't know.
Anyways.
Plowing ahead.
So basically, she had moved down to Los Angeles when she was 20.
She's now 25.
And after a short stint in the military, somehow she got into the porn industry
for eight months.
She did everything.
Ew.
Fuck sucked the whole shebang.
I asked her if I could see her video, but she wouldn't tell me her performer
name
and said vehemently that it would be impossible to find her body of work.
I asked her why she got into porn and she replies, because I wanted some
feeling in my life.
And then he writes, oh, Jesus.
Yeah, dude.
This poor girl.
Something happened to her.
The thing was, she was clean, had a good job, and I really liked her.
And the sex was great.
Yeah, obviously.
You know what's funny?
There was something you wrote in the beginning where I just thought she was
going to be good.
29-year-old guy, attractive, all-around great girl.
Oh, the fact that you said she had a rough upbringing, but she was easygoing
and honest and not bitchy.
Right there, I was like, that girl's good in bed.
That just seemed like a kind of free, open person.
I don't know.
I didn't know she was going to be that open.
Oh, Jesus.
Anyways.
The thing was, she was clean and blah, blah, blah.
The sex was great, but I couldn't stop picturing her in some sleazy porno that
was probably filmed in some junkyard on La Brea.
So, I went to ask for a friend's advice.
Most of my guys were telling me to dump her.
My gay friends told me it was fabulous and that I should overlook it.
I didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically
reject her and assume I had AIDS.
There you go.
Keep your options open.
So, regretfully, I dumped her.
I felt terrible and obviously didn't tell her it was because she was a porn
star because she would have been ashamed for the rest of her life.
And I was happy that she was honest with me.
I've done my fair share of sleaze, but this was too much.
My question, Bill, was it wrong for me to dump her for some decision she made
years ago?
Should I have stayed with her?
What would have you done?
Well, you don't want to know what I would have done.
I'm a fucking degenerate.
So, let's – you seem like a good person.
Dude, when you're trying to find the person you're going to spend the rest of
your life with, you have to have a list of criteria.
All right?
You sound like you're still young, so there's no reason to compromise.
All right?
I mean, when you get with somebody like that and you're going to live with them,
and when you get with anybody, you're taking on all of their fucking baggage.
All right?
You're only three months in.
And, you know, people who go into the porn industry, they're, you know – it's
like people who become comedians.
We're not healthy individuals, okay?
And that is, like, a specific area that I just – this is just my own personal
non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy person.
Something awful happened.
And that line, I just wanted to feel something.
I mean, something bad happened to her, caused her to wall herself off.
I don't even want to try to guess what.
But, you know, there's nothing wrong with anything that she did, you know,
technically, and she was honest with it.
It all comes down to whether or not you want to deal with it.
All right?
And if you feel that, you know, you want to deal with it and that there was
this sort of connection that you just had – this girl had to be in your life,
then you're going to have to learn to live with it and get past it.
But I would be definitely – I would definitely be concerned with certain
mental issues, not like she's insane.
And then I would also be concerned with sexual boundaries, you know?
Like, would she have any?
And could she remain faithful after a while?
And when you settle into the seven-year itch or whatever and you really start
needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to
feel something again, is she going to go back to that leather couch from that
show Martin?
Ma Ann, you know, down on fuck in the valley and get banged again.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know.
That is a – that is – you know what?
That is beyond my skills.
I don't know how to tame that horse.
I can tell you that right fucking now.
I have no fucking clue.
That's a – you know what?
That's a Dr. Drew question.
That is a classic Dr. Drew question and that guy within two seconds will get
right to the core of it.
I would call – I would call in Love Line, man, if you're out here.
Call him up because that's a great one.
Yeah, I guess you'd have to figure out has she worked through whatever the fuck
she was working through and now she's ready to – I mean, I don't know.
She's like, hey, those are some good-looking girls down there.
And she's like, yeah, they are or whatever.
Like, I mean, if you kept steering it in that direction, you'd probably get
your fucking threesome right there.
So there's that option.
The option that you have is if you're with her, like, I think you could – I
mean, that's a selfish fucking – and a shallow reason to stay with somebody
long-term.
Yeah, Jesus.
I don't know.
Great fucking emails, by the way, everybody.
I hope I didn't piss you guys off too much by fucking trashing all that metal
shit.
You know, I have half those T-shirts and I went to go see – I was just
embarrassed by some of that shit that I used to listen to.
Oh, Jesus, right up until I was, like, 20, 21.
Fucking brutal.
What redeemable thing did I have?
I did listen to The Beatles, The Doors, The Stones, all that white boy shit.
Stevie Ray Vaughan.
I did listen to Hendrix.
I listened to all the big bands Swing Through My Dad, Shift From The 50s.
I had such a weird musical upbringing anyways, which was actually good because
it was kind of all over the map.
I started hanging out with Patrice back in the day.
Patrice was the one, rest his soul, got me the – I still remember when he got
in that same piece of shit truck that I went to the ACDC concert in.
Seven fucking years later, I'm still driving it, right?
Making the sacrifices.
Remember that?
I told you.
You don't get some fucking job and go out and buy a fucking new car.
You just change yourself to your cubicle.
I always kept my – I put a new engine in the fucking truck.
Had somebody slap that in there for $1,200, pay that down rather than $12,000
for a new car like it was back then.
So anyways, I still remember swinging by, picking Patrice up and going into Knicks
and he had the cassette tape of Ready to Die and him putting that in, telling
me that this guy was going to be the next guy.
And then through all of that – like he cured me of all the rap that a white
kid liked who lived in a cul-de-sac.
And he showed me all of that shit.
So I had that whole background.
All that stuff fucking held up.
But the fucking metal that I listened to.
I even watched like Lawrence Welk when I was a kid.
One of the creepiest shows ever.
Even that was fucking thrown in there.