Name: Bill Burr Advice - Getting a Real Job
Uploaded: 2023-06-11T17:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Getting a Real Job' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Getting a Real Job' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-11. Transcript available.

Okay, real jobs. Hey, Bill, I'm 35. All right? Not old, I'm not young. Just
sort of hanging there in limbo.
Too old to go to a club? Too young for an AARP card.
I used to work in tech. Now I own a diner.
I saw you posted something to your Instagram about diners and the dying breed
of a local restaurant.
Oh, yeah, there was this whole thing about how diners were, during COVID, got
hit really hard.
And these guys were talking about what it takes to run a diner, which is really
interesting to me.
Because it looks easy. You know?
Got that flat drop grill going.
You know, let me get too over easy!
Too over easy! You know?
You usually make the, you know how to make.
I just didn't realize all the overhead and all of that crap.
You know, people chewing and screwing.
Dining and dashing.
Bipping and bopping.
I had a very, I had very little experience.
Wait a second, where am I?
Okay, it's been a lot of work, but it's very rewarding.
Oh, this is something this person does, I guess.
I had very little experience, but I sought out knowledge from some veterans of
the diner business,
and they were very happy to help.
COVID really destroyed a lot of these businesses.
Is there anything better than a great diner?
And what's a great diner?
It's clean, and they butter the toast.
They don't bring the fucking toast over with butter to the side that's cold,
and then I got to tear apart the fucking warm bread that you're calling toast.
Sorry.
I've read that half of all second and third generation diners closed down.
Seven out of the ten in my city closed down by the end of 2021, so I believe it.
Government didn't do shit for actual small businesses.
How did they go out of business when people were ordering food?
I guess they weren't ordering from them.
Dude, is there anything better than going to a fucking diner when you don't
have anything to do that morning?
You got the local paper?
That's the greatest.
And you watch all these people fucking walking in?
Hey, Mark!
Government didn't do shit for actual small businesses.
The loans were exploited by big companies,
and the math never added up in terms of the damage done versus the money they
gave out.
I really hope another wave of hipsters come back around and start bringing the
old stuff back
so you have somewhere to drink your root beer float, you dandy.
Yeah, so do I.
Oh, what a surprise.
Big companies taking advantage of money being handed out by the government.
Taking advantage of the bankruptcy laws and that type of shit.
That's what rich people do.
That's what they do, and then they act like they're one of you.
Yes, they do.
And then what happens?
They fall off a bicycle.
You see that there?
Little Trump jab, little fucking Joe Biden.
You want level trashing?
Trashing of both sides with no salute?
That's what I offer people.
I trash both sides and offer no solutions.
That's what we do here at the Monday Morning Podcast.
New job wants to track me.
Oh, God.
Dear Bill, there's a mandate at my new job that requires my work phone be
tracked.
This wouldn't be an issue, but on my first day,
I had lunch with a guy who was giving his notice at the end of the week.
He wasn't too disgruntled.
I asked him why he was going to leave,
and he told me with a straight face that the company overstepped some bounds.
I love this guy.
They overstepped some bounds.
I'm out of here.
They sent him a gift card for his birthday to a place that he shops at,
except he never told anyone he shopped there.
And it's a niche store.
Yeah.
You know what would happen if we all rebelled against that?
They would still know that about us.
They just wouldn't be dumb enough to send that gift card.
How wouldn't they know how fucking creepy that is?
He attributed it to them reading all his work emails or tracking the browser on
his computer,
and had no shame in using that info to buy him a birthday gift.
It's a huge pay increase, so I think I'll stick it out for a few months
because I have bills and student loans.
Well, that's how they get you.
But I'm going to be very careful about what I say and do.
P.S. I'm writing this from a rogue phone with a VPN,
so don't worry.
I'm not a moron.
I think more people need to do that.
But then you know what they do?
They would start their own rogue phone under a different fucking name.
They'll get you.
They're going to get you.
I've given up.
I've quit.
All right?
My only line of defense is to live the most boring life anybody has ever seen.
All right?
Anybody who's tracking me right now, they're like,
wow, this guy's really into watching people power wash driveways.
Um, it's not all that.
And then every once in a while, there's a porno thrown in there.
Like, where the fuck did that come from?
Um, new segment idea, lifestyles.
Dear Bill the Trill,
you've talked a lot about different ways of living
and what the benefits are to a different location.
I'd like to propose a new segment about the lesser discussed,
more specific ways of life and during different time periods.
Firstly, for this potential segment,
I'd like to suggest river life,
is a very interesting way to go.
River life.
In a van down by the river, like the Chris Farley bit?
More specifically, in the 1800s,
I recently saw a photo of a home on a river
that was used frequently for travel and trade.
Oh, so people were using the river for travel and trade.
Can you imagine sitting on your front porch
watching some random people just float by?
Yeah, wondering if they didn't kill somebody in a different state.
Oh, this is pretty, that's pretty wild, man.
Of course, I'd have a musket ready to go.
Oh, but you're also talking like time travel.
Because I don't think anybody uses a river.
I don't think there's a bunch of fur trappers going up and down the fucking
Allegheny.
Of course, I'd have a musket ready to go.
I'd be, it'd be great to have long days of sitting along a steady current.
Thoughts on river life.
My question would be, how do you pay your bills?
Because there's a way to do river life where you don't pay anything.
You just have to be, well, wait, wait, it's a river.
It's not like you're on a lake.
You're out there, you're on a fucking river.
So you're floating, you're heading places.
What happens when your foundation is too deep for like the fucking white water
and all of that?
I gotta learn more about river life.
Or is your house anchored?
I got one for you.
Why don't you just put a fucking house out on a random lake?
You know, where there's enough shit.
How long could you have it out there before people are like, what the fuck is
that guy doing?
Is he paying any taxes?
Every morning he comes out, whatever he pulls in, he goes inside,
he fucking eats it for breakfast.
Occasionally he comes to shore when he gets mercury poisoning and he eats a
couple of squirrels.
I don't think that guy has a job.
You know, some fucking asshole would put up a GoPro and film the guy and rat
him out.
Instead of looking at that one person, you know,
and being happy that they're free.
Right?
All right.
Overrated, underrated.
I will tell you though, I have like an unbelievable urge to live in the middle
of nowhere.
If it wasn't for the racist morons that you run into out there,
I would do it in a second.
But I can't move an interracial family into the middle of fucking nowhere.
I mean, I just started a Netflix series if I did that.
All right.