Name: Bill Burr Advice - Wife Refuses to Sleep With Me
Uploaded: 2023-06-14T13:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Wife Refuses to Sleep With Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Wife Refuses to Sleep With Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-14. Transcript available.

anyway wife never wants sex hey billy clown face me and my lady have been
married for almost five
and a half years and been together over six years i'm 38 and my wife is 32
before we got married
everything was perfect and at that time i thought i had found the girl i wanted
to grow old with
unfortunately everything went out the window the weekend we got mad the weekend
we didn't have sex before we got married so i expected her to be ready to go or
show some
excitement about us having sex for the first time on our wedding night we got
to the hotel and she
just acted like we walked into a grocery store or something she thought it was
weird i was trying
to initiate anything sexual with her oh my god we eventually did have sex but
it seemed like more of
a i guess we can have sex now vibe the weird thing is she actually bragged
about her sex life
with her ex that night too
what
what did she say you know this last guy i used to really fuck him all the time
oh man we had a great
time so then she got with you so she wasn't a virgin so she was banging before
she stopped banging when
she met you and now you're on your wedding night and she's acting like she's at
the grocery store okay
since then it's been constant rejection i could probably count on one hand no
more than two the number
of times she has initiated sex in our marriage and she actually barely initiates
any kind of physical
physical affection
so i wonder if she actually did have a great sex life with this other person
um there was no honeymoon phase or anything sex maybe three times a month as
newlyweds
anytime i brought up the lack of anything in our marriage it always turned into
a fight where i was told
you make me feel like a failure as a wife we are married now we are past all
that that stuff is for
teenagers and i didn't get married to have sex okay something's going on with
her did something
happen to her when she was younger is she gay you know that could be a thing
maybe she's trying to
make her parents happy and living you know a life she shouldn't be living does
she not do you have
halitosis and she doesn't know how to tell you uh the sad thing is over time
she has let a few things
about her past relationship that lasted six years or so come out and she made
it seem like she had a long
sex life with this other guy she had the honeymoon phase with him and pretty
much got all the sex she
wanted before we got married and now just wants a roommate that will pay the
bills
she will let me have sex with her once a week but definitely nothing more to
her once a week is
enough but i want but if i want anything more than that she claims i'm just i
just demand sex from her
all the time and i'm needy because i want a wife instead of a roommate as a
christian i don't want to
get a divorce well as a christian catholic church was also falls under the
umbrella of christianity
and look what they did okay um we also had crusades as christians and did
horrible things to muslim
people and all that stuff so i mean listen if you're not happy get out of it he
said but i also don't
want to be 45 in a marriage that lacks any kind of instant intimacy either at
what point do you think
it's okay to bail and find someone else i'll tell you this right now your heart
your soul and
everything that makes you an alive person has already left this marriage i'm
sorry that this happened to
you i know it's going to be painful just get the fuck out and i'm telling you
this time next year
you know you're going to be looking back going what in the fuck was that thank
god i got out of it and
you're going to be happy as hell even if you're single you're going to meet a
woman that likes to
have sex with you and it's going to make you feel good nobody should go through
that that constant
rejection and dealing with that okay this is just like you know there's a guy
out there for your wife
but you ain't it so you know you're making her feel a certain way she's making
you feel a certain way
it's not going to get better so you know and you don't want to be old thinking
like i should have
just got out of it why the fuck did i do that and another thing too how the
fuck are you going to
have a kid if you're having sex once a fucking week you know if you want to
have a kid i don't
know if you want to have a fucking kid but you know you got to bang away that
week when she's
ovulating there all right shark or lion hey there billy the freckled butthole
burr i have a question
for you i listened to your segment on sharks the other day and wants to know if
you had to if you
had to choose gun to your head being eaten by a shark in the open ocean oh my
god or be eaten by a lion
in the bush ah dude that's the easiest question ever he goes i know either way
you're going to
you're going to get eaten however my thing my thinking is that it would be
better to get mauled
by a lion than a shark at least with the lion you don't have to you don't have
to fight drowning as
well i would like to know what your opinion is on this very important topic
love to stand up in
the podcast well thank you uh keep well and go fuck yourself a south african
fan shout out to south
africa um oh a lion all day long and i am basing that on you know sig free and
roy i think that was
a tiger or whatever a big cat dude that thing grabbed him and within two
seconds he went limp
and then that was it i'm not saying i'm happy that happened it was absolutely
horrific whatever but like
you know you're playing with lions and tigers you know eventually something's
gonna happen right
so he just went fucking limp choked out immediately what i love about cats big
fucking cats is they put
they it's over they grab you you're like oh and then they just clamp down and
they choke you out
you ask any mma person they would rather get fucking choked out than knocked
out they don't want to do
you know it's just you know you go to sleep and you woke up oh i lost oh okay i
don't have any cognitive
damage you just go to sleep and you would wake up wherever the fuck you go or
you're just dead you
know if that's what happens like a squirrel you're just dead a shark is gonna
bite you first you can't
fucking see it it's gonna take a bite out of you to see what you taste like to
see if there's any sort
of threat there oh my god then it's gonna pull you under the water as you're
fighting to breathe and
stay above the water not even close and the fucking loneliness of being out in
the middle of the
fucking ocean you oh my god you can just you can take that uh that shark thing
any fucking day you know
i absolutely i would almost if you said would you rather get killed by a lion
or just bitten by a shark
but you're gonna live i know survival i would have to choose the shark but just
going okay it's gonna
happen and they drop you in the water just waiting fuck that you know that's
why i can't stand bears
as much as i love a bear the fact that they just don't grab their prey by the
neck and put them out of
their misery they just fucking hold them down like a big dummy you know and
just start biting fucking
you know i don't it's terrible i don't want to get mauled uh i want to get choked
out that was an easy
one absolutely fucking easy um all right do i deserve to marry a rich doctor
well don't marry the person because he or she is a rich doctor marry him
because they treat you right
then the benefits you married a smarty that's bringing on the money there all
right hello mr
bill best comedian in the world burr look at that i get a compliment i'm a 25
year old guy from morocco
oh my god casablanca uh who's lost and uh don't know what to do and need your
take on this i met this
young lady six months ago and we're in love she's an amazing nice and motivated
young lady she's on her
fourth year in medical school dude you hit the fucking lottery she's amazingly
nice she's motivated
she's super smart well i work in an office job that doesn't pay really well and
has no future
and she's fucking cool she likes you for who you are then the thing is i've
been panicking lately
because i feel that i haven't found a path or what i want to do and maybe i don't
deserve her oh jesus christ
she's from a rich family full of doctors also and she's seen and experienced a
lot of things
while i never did and struggled to have a good dinner out during the weekend we're
planning to
spend our lives together and she loves me for who i am yes she does dude don't
this up okay
if anything go to her and tell her how much you admire her that she found her
path and that you know and
tell her how you feel i just tell her how you feel how great she is and you
almost feel like you don't
deserve her and and how you want to find your path because you want to
contribute to the relationship
more do that don't don't sabotage this he goes but i don't know if i deserve
her and i don't know
what i can do to find a good career so i can make
live our living in the same level first of all don't compete with her he said
sorry for the long
email help this miserable guy who's happy for the first time in life but he
thinks he'll mess it up
yeah you got issues dude you got issues where um you're saying you're happy for
the first time in
life so what it what it is is you've been miserable so long that misery is your
comfort zone even though you
don't want to be miserable you're comfortable you know i know that because i
used to be like that
you know i grew up in a very volatile crazy situation and world and all of that
type of stuff
and i was like i'm not doing that i'm going to be around nice peaceful calm
people and what you do is
you gravitate towards what feels familiar subconsciously without even knowing
it and
you're surrounded yourself by a bunch of lunatics and you fit right in because
you're a lunatic so here's
the thing dude you found happiness all right just allow yourself to be
uncomfortable with that
and gradually get comfortable with it and what you need to do is communicate
with her
okay you obviously are head over heels with this woman you absolutely love her
you should marry her
and use her as an example of the kind of person that you want to be happy
motivated and uh don't put
pressure on yourself to make as much money as she's going to be making it's
like the only person who's
she's not doing that to you so why do that to yourself all right and uh as far
as like finding out what
you're supposed to do in life just follow your heart i know that's fucking
cliche but like
like think about what you like what you're interested in try a bunch of
different things
and if there's something that you know you find something that you would just
do anyway if you
can turn that into a job you you never feel like you're working so uh don't
this up dude
that's really gonna make me sad if you do that all right you deserve this
person
and you know why you deserve this person because you've been miserable your
whole life you're