Name: Bill Burr Advice - Getting Attacked by Girlfriend's Friend
Uploaded: 2023-06-15T13:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Getting Attacked by Girlfriend's Friend' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Getting Attacked by Girlfriend's Friend' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-15. Transcript available.

Dear Billy Bullocks, at my girlfriend's housewarming party last Friday, her
housemate invited a friend that was so woke that she sounds like a caricature.
All right, well, anytime you guys use the term woke, you got to define it
because everybody has a different definition of it now that white culture took
the word and made it mean something completely different.
So now, what is that? She's just overly sensitive, which is not what it
initially meant.
Anyway, she is studying a PhD in gender studies. Shock. She's quite overweight.
Shock.
And her attitude to me and the male friends I brought to the party was condescending
from the start.
I mean, I would love to see gender studies and how sexist it is in the other
direction.
You got to watch out, liberals, man. You know, I mean, conservatives are easy
to see.
You know, they're coming down, they're burning across, they're screaming slurs
and shit.
The liberals, the way they do it, you know, they hide behind, you know, their
black or their gay friend.
All right. Sorry, I'm fucking around here. Maybe it's the weed and the root
beer. Doesn't work that fast, people.
And her attitude to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, okay.
Nevertheless, my girlfriend and I are going to be spending a lot of time in
this house.
Why?
So I did not react or get put off by the condescending tone to me or my friends.
I asked her about her PhD and told her that it sounded interesting.
All right. Well, that's a fucking mistake.
Why would you do that?
You've completely misrepresented yourself and you've actually just pumped her
fucking ego.
I love these hockey fans that just hang out like their dog just died.
Yeah, okay. A fucking game ended.
You know what I mean?
You're disappointed.
Maybe they're just waiting for the traffic.
That's a beautiful facility, huh?
Everybody that was coming down the escalator is going to be dead by the time
they're 60.
The people that took the stairs will live to be 65.
Sorry, I was just doing the quick math there.
Okay.
Anyway, then she started insulting my friends.
My friends responded with some banter of their own, which made me laugh.
This woke cow saw me laughing at my friend's joke with a full bowl of vodka in
my hands,
and she smacked the bowl into my chin.
You're drinking vodka out of a bowl?
Must have been some cheap shit, huh?
Covering me in vodka, not to mention presenting a bit of danger with the glass
hitting me in the face.
I have a very bad temper, as does she, and I work hard on it.
I have some issues with the police in the past for violence.
Oh, boy.
So all my friends expected me.
Oh, my God.
That's hilarious.
But I didn't, and I avoided it by walking away.
My issue is I keep picturing it in my mind when I try to sleep or just in the
middle of the day.
Oh, yeah.
I know you have something similar, so I was hoping you might have a solution
for the murderous thoughts in my mind.
Dude, I got to tell you something right now.
I can't even tell you the fucking empathy that I have for you right now.
I know what it's like to have somebody fucking with you that the system defends.
You know what I mean?
And you can't hit them because it's just going to be a loss for you.
You know?
It's just one of those deals.
So I got to feel like most of that's the anger in that last thing was geared
towards the woke fatty.
Anyway, P.S.
The fact that you've got a family has actually helped me believe I could be
able to have one someday, too.
So thank you and best wishes.
That's such fucking hilarious that you then finished on something that nice.
All right.
That is so fucked up.
Wait.
Housewarming.
Okay.
My girlfriend and I are going to be spending a lot of time in this house.
All right.
Here's the number one thing.
If she keeps going around doing that, someone is going to punch her in the face.
Just let it be somebody else.
Okay?
I'm not going to lie to you.
You know, when people say, hey, don't worry about someday they'll get theirs.
A lot of times they don't.
They don't.
And they just surround themselves with weak fucking people that put up with
shit like that.
All right.
You don't have to put up with shit like that.
So what you can tell your girlfriend is on no, under no, what is it?
No uncertain terms.
I'm trying to think if there's any expression that I actually 100% know how to
say.
I would just say we're not going back to that house.
No, I got, you know, if you know what's something better is that you tell your
girlfriend that that fatty owes you an apology.
And that you're considering going to the cops to press charges for assault.
You know, do you really want to do that, though?
Do you want to get it to that point?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Like, what can you do?
What can you do?
There's nothing you can do.
It just does.
It's just one of those things.
And all you can do is just somehow, you just got to work on your own life and
just be glad that somebody else, the ballest man that's going to crawl on top
of her every night is just like, I mean, just be happy.
It's not you.
That's all I can say.
I mean, that's just, it's fucking ridiculous.
And I've said this a million times that women should respect the fact that a
man's not going to hit them rather than take advantage of it.
That is just, I mean, who's kin who?
Sir, if I did that to you, I would be fucking at the dentist right now.
And no one would give a fuck.
They would all be saying to me, well, what the fuck did you think was going to
happen?
Did you really think you were going to smack a glass bowl into his fucking face
with his alcohol in it?
I still don't understand how vodka is in a bowl.
Anyway, I have found, I've tried meditation and stuff like that, but like, you
really have to work on, it's a skill.
It's when stuff like that happens, letting go of it.
And I actually, that happened to me recently.
And I forget what I did, you know, sometimes now when people come at me, I just
go like, you know what?
This is just all part of the fucking, the deal.
If I'm going to do what it is that I do, it's not all going to be sunshine.
I'm going to have to deal with certain people in it.
What the fuck are you going to do?
And then I just sort of move on.
You know, it's like, well, I can fixate on that shit or I can just continue.
I don't know.
Go, just go do something fun.
Go to a game or some shit like that.
But I would tell you, like, I can't even tell you how much empathy I have for
you.
Like, being in a situation like that, where someone just so clearly, you know,
crosses a line like that.
And nobody says anything.
And then if you do something that you're fucking wrong is, that's a tough one.
So, but the upside is, is you just tell your girlfriend that I'm, that that's,
that's, that's a wrap.
I'm not going over there.
You know what sucks is even if you saw her and you just said, hey, hey, fatso,
can I talk to you for a second?
Do you realize how lucky you are?
If you don't have a temper, you don't understand these thoughts.
But the thing is, is you can't say that to her because then you're threatening
her.
There's really, there's nothing you can do other than just tell the story to
your friends, laugh about it, and then go to the gym and try to get it out of
you.
But I wouldn't fight with your girlfriend about it.
I would just get yourself into a really zen fucking mindset and just say, honey,
here's the deal.
What that happened to me was unbelievably humiliating.
The level of anger that I have towards that person and the fact that I'm not
allowed to do anything because she's a woman, which is the reason why she went
up and did that to me, because she knew she could get away with it.
I don't ever want to be around that person again.
And it's just a non-negotiable.
And I gotta be honest with you, if your girlfriend's gonna be hanging around
her too, then what the fuck does, what is she doing?
You know what I mean?
Like, what if some girl went up and did that to her and then you're still
hanging out with that girl that did it?
That doesn't make any fucking sense.
But I wouldn't, don't get angry with your girlfriend.
Just say, like, this is how it is.
And then if she doesn't want to do it, then I don't know.
Then you just have a calm conversation of, like, ah, you know, I think I kind
of want to spend the rest of my life with a person that, like, doesn't want to
hang out with somebody who just fucking smashed a glass bowl on my face.
Is that Henrik Lundqvist?
Is that, is he?
That's Anson Carter.
Anyway, let me move on.
Sorry.