Name: Bill Burr Advice - I Can't Get Laid
Uploaded: 2023-06-16T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - I Can't Get Laid' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - I Can't Get Laid' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

All right. Can't get laid. Bill, I'm a huge fan. I listen to all your podcasts
and stand up.
He says, I need some advice. I'm starting my sophomore year of college and I've
never been
more depressed. My high school girlfriend broke up with me shortly after
graduation
and I haven't gotten laid since. It's not like I stay in my room all day. I
have friends and I go
to parties at least once a week. And even though I never enjoy, even though I
never enjoy myself,
I just can't get a girl to be interested in me. I also have no idea what I want
to do after
college. And so I have no motivation to apply myself. The only reason I haven't
dropped out
is because my parents who are paying thousands and thousands of dollars, I don't
drop out. So
they won't be disappointed. I work out every day and I try to stay busy, but
most of the time I just
feel terrible. I'm hoping you have some advice for me. All right. Um, you
obviously have a sense of
humor. Um, what would my advice be? Uh, you know what? I think you're trying
too hard.
All right. There's no reason to go to a party and not have a good time.
Just go there and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about talking to women. Don't
worry about trying
to get laid. Just have a good time. Just enjoy yourself. Just go out in life
and just fucking
enjoy yourself. Okay. People are attractive to positive energy and somebody
having a good time.
It makes them want to be around you. And next thing you know, somebody's
blowing you. I don't
understand why the universe works that way, but it does. I know I am overly
simplifying this,
but, um, you know, it's good that you know that you're depressed. I was
depressed for about 20 years
and didn't realize it because I was so used to feeling that way. I thought it
was just the normal,
you know, just a normal state of things. Um, I got to tell you this dude, you
are going to get a
girlfriend and you're going to find love and you're going to get married. Okay.
But I got to tell you,
there's a fucking misery that comes to that life. All right. There's a great
thing, but there's also a
misery and she feels it fucking too. And that's a part of you. You're the
individual you dies.
So right now, dude, you are the 40 year old. You is going to look back at the
fuck. If the 40 year
old, you could get in a time machine and sit down with you right now and give
you a fucking pregame
speech before you went to that party. I mean, that would be like scared
straight. He'd be right in
your face. You know, you have any idea what it's like to get up at five in the
morning and change
a shitty diaper. You get to sleep 10 hours a fucking day. You can't put a smile
on your face. When you
go to a fucking party, single, you could fuck anything that walks. You go down
to that 7-Eleven. Look at me.
You go down to that 7-Eleven. You get yourself a box of fucking condoms. You
stick them. You stick
one in your pocket. Prepare for success. You iron your goddamn shirt. You get
down there. You have a good
fucking time. All right. You're only going to be this age once. He's saying
something like that. All right.
I'm telling you, you're only going to be this age. Once you're in college, dude,
you are at like
you're it's like you won the NBA draft lottery. Women there are in the prime of
their fucking life.
Most of them are fucking single. It's going to happen for you. But if you're
walking around and
you're depressed and you're carrying that with you, if you're moping around
like that, that makes people
fucking, you know, not want to be around you. So I would say drinking is
probably not a good
thing because that is a depressant. So scratch that. I can't remember if I
fucking told you
to, to, to have a couple of beers. I wouldn't do that. I would just fucking
enjoy yourself.
I almost, you know what I would do? I would go do some shit for you.
Fuck trying to get a girlfriend. Fuck trying to get laid. Fuck all of that.
Just go out and
what do you want to do? If you don't know what you want to do, go out and go
try a bunch of
different things and have a good time. Dude, you're single. Okay. You don't
have to fucking,
you don't have to fucking deal with trying to figure out what's going to make
them happy.
Okay. Cause as far as I can fucking tell, there isn't anything that's going to
make them happy for
a longer than maybe a day, the amount of shit that you can do for them. And as
you can tell,
she's a couple of rooms away, the amount of shit that you can fucking do for
them.
And all it does is buy you a couple of days of happiness is just fucking baffling.
And I got to
be honest with you. A lot of women look at it guys and they think that we're
fucking stupid.
And I think part of it is because they have the way their brain works, that
multitasking,
whatever it is, that shit talk that they always say, you know, that women can
multitask and guys
can't. Well, I would say that generally speaking, this is very general. I think
men have an advantage
when it comes to just being happy. You know what I mean? Like you wouldn't know
it for my podcast
and the way I talk and shit, but I'm happy. I'm happy as hell. And I've been
happy for a long
fucking time. You know, all I need, dude, that's all I fucking need. The NFL
package. I got a six of
fucking Miller's in my, in my goddamn refrigerator. You know, I got a new pair
of sneakers. It's just
some stupid bullshit like that. I order a fucking pizza. That's all I need. I'm
happy the whole
fucking day. You know, I go on a hike with my dog in the morning. That's it. I'm
good.
Simple, simple, stupid shit keeps me as a guy entertained. I don't have their
high level
brain that they're always talking about and their ability. I like to do a
thousand fucking
things. Yeah. And look at you. You're miserable. You're fucking miserable. So I'm
telling you,
dude, you're actually, you don't realize it, but where you are right now, dude,
is you are
in an absolute utopia. Do you know how many fucking guys right now would kill
to be in your
position? They'd even take two years and not getting laid. Who gives a fuck?
Rub one out,
get on with your goddamn day. You know, get on with your fucking day of being
single, not having
the answer to anybody and having the option of hitting on any beautiful woman
that catches
your eye. Take a trip anytime you fucking want, go wherever you want to go, do
whatever the
fuck, dude, you're never going to get, and your parents are paying for your
fucking education,
dude. You're never going to be freer. All right. So start looking at your life
that way.
And I'm telling you, you're going to have a different fucking vibe. And I, I, I,
you know,
and I'll tell you right now, you start doing that. Good things are going to
happen in the
National Football League. No, I'm serious, dude. Something good is going to
happen, but
there will be a time in your fucking life. I'm telling you where you will be
married. You'll
have kids and you'll do that whole fucking thing. And that will be its own sort
of utopia,
but it's, it's, I don't do this is a very, it's a beautiful, selfish time in
your life that
you should embrace. And you should not, uh, you should not spend it feeling bad
about yourself.
All right. So there you go. Good luck to you. Okay. Relationship problems. All
right, Bill,
first of all, I would like to say thank you for all the podcasts. Now go fuck
yourself. There
you go. That's how it's done. Beautiful.