Name: 23 Minutes of Bill Burr & Patrice O'Neal's Friendship and Stories
Uploaded: 2023-06-16T15:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '23 Minutes of Bill Burr & Patrice O'Neal's Friendship and Stories' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '23 Minutes of Bill Burr & Patrice O'Neal's Friendship and Stories' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

23 Minutes of Bill Burr & Patrice O'Neal's Friendship and Stories

neil story he called me up one time right this is back when we were both still
living at home
with our parents and i pick up the phone he's like bill he goes what are you
doing
i was like i'm not doing anything he goes yeah let's go up to the uh the square
one mall
and i'm like all right where's that and he's like it's up near saugus up near
the uh the
kowloon and um i go all right well why the fuck we i go what do we have to go
up there for he goes well
you know they i need to get a mop i go you need a mop he goes yeah and granted
this fucking mall is
like there's like three malls between where patrice lived and where i lived and
he wants to go all the
way out of his fucking way to go up to this goddamn mall and i'm like well what
the fuck kind of mall
what kind of mop do they have at the square one mall and he's like uh he goes
one of them square
one mall mops motherfucker and he starts flipping out on me so i go all right i
just finally got it out
of him he wanted to go up there because it was right when they first put cheese
in the fucking
crust of pizza and he wanted to try it out
he started laughing when i finally got it out he goes i gotta try it i gotta
see what it's all about
so we drove up in the middle of the fucking day sitting in traffic on route one
to buy a fucking
mop and so he could try stuffed crust pizza
i don't know why i told you that i'm just i'm trying to fill up the fucking
hour here
have i done an hour is it mercifully over
kind of like when you first start start dating a woman
um you know when she wants a relationship when she comes over your apartment
what she starts to do is she
leave shit there because it gives her an excuse to come back
i mean it's fucking nuts right like they're thinking that far ahead all you're
sitting there's like oh
look at those debts oh where the fuck are right that's all you're thinking and
they're sitting there plotting
you know what i mean it's like you're some head coach that has no game plan and
she's across the
field like bill walsh calling the first 25 plays of the game right oh i love a
football life there's a nice
reference to use um so you know what's hilarious and speaking of which the patrice
o'neill benefits
coming up once again i'll tell you a quick patrice story um he was so brilliant
that
i remember he was dating this woman and you know or whatever seeing her and she
started leaving
around his house and i i just had brought that up i go yeah you know i did this
woman you know she left
this here and she left that it's like what the you know i only see her like you
know once
every two weeks she just has there so for two weeks i keep looking at her brush
or the shampoo
she left or whatever and it just i keep thinking about her and it's annoying me
and patrice just goes he goes so throw it out
i go what he goes throw it out i go i can't throw out a brush he goes i would
like get the out he goes yeah he goes i did that he told me a story
but there was a woman he was messing around with and she left these toiletries
and a little
bag of like you know makeup and brush and all that and he he threw it out
and then she she came back like a week and a half later
and she goes to go in the bathroom and she's like uh she's like hey what did
you do with my uh my stuff
he goes and he just plays dumb he goes what stuff she goes i left shampoo here
a little makeup bag
he goes oh yeah that was yours yeah he goes yeah i threw it out
and she was like literally beside herself but actually on some level respected
him
for like realizing what she was doing and then also i think because that early
on he clearly let her know
in a very funny way that he wasn't looking for a relationship and uh
that she was able to relax and kind of be thinking oh you oh we're just fucking
all right
i wanted a little more he doesn't at least but he let her know so fucking early
on
that it didn't really hurt you know does that make sense i mean i don't maybe i'm
speaking for her but
i guess i am but whatever either way it was funny oh jesus was that the fucking
worst
i literally just jumped out of the plane and pulled the fucking ripcord on that
story sorry
it's been a while it's been a while since i told that story hasn't it or have i
told it before
work they're thinking he was just helping them go out there and fucking rape
people
and uh so anyways the improv ended up being the ones that gave them tape
and it was fucking hilarious so they found like an evening at the improv that
he did
and they just put this clip on where he was doing like relationship material so
like so-and-so
busted for being a serial rapist was actually a stand-up comedian for the last
17 years and
they just cut to his act he's just like you know you know women women are
always shopping they're
always you know like give me guys i mean we don't know where right just doing
that like classic
fucking uh awful 80s stand-up shit and this guy was actually a serial
fucking rapist man it was just was unreal i remember a long time ago when i
started out in uh
boston or bam bam bam boop boop um me and patrice got an idea
where we were going to write a movie which of course meant we were never going
to do it um
where we were going to have a stand-up comedian that was actually a serial
killer
and we got the idea watching david tell when we watched dave when we first saw
him he was just
so different and so fucking out there and so dark and then like walled off like
uh we didn't know him
at all now now that we know he's a total fucking sweetheart but we were saying
he came up with this
idea and you basically the dude it was like henry portrait of a serial killer
meets punchline and the
dude would go out on the road and he'd be up there just it i guess we were
going to make it more like
a david tell style which kind of probably would have given it away i imagine
once we brought it to the
industry they'd be like what if he was just like everybody loved him what about
that all right
whatever he only kills people that deserve to die right like they'd be pitching
um
what's the fuck's that serial killer movie or tv show
oh god i can't wait to get these fucking whiskers out of my throat
the fuck is the name of that show was on showtime with the guy from six feet
under
was it larry who's larry or something like that the fuck was it called
i used to watch it he stepped through the plastic i watched it until he paired
up with jimmy smith
and then it just it just fucking went over the top for me and i had to stop
watching what the
fuck was that show called you know what i'm saying plus after a while it
annoyed me that he only killed
bad people you know this serial killer with the heart of gold anyways so we
came up with
uh with an idea to write a movie and basically so that he'd go out and he would
do gigs and then
in the end of the night he'd have a couple of pops up at the bar and then he
would go out and go kill
people and uh and we'd be like ah that'd be the sickest fucking movie ever and
we did not write one
word not a fucking word i'm gonna just start you know i'm gonna just start
telling you guys all the
ideas for movies that i'm never gonna fucking write because maybe one of you
will sit down and
actually write the fucking thing because i'd watch that movie i play the
fucking person
right he just he'll play the person i'll play the serial killer um anyways all
right there's your
little half hour for the week i'm helping you along through your goddamn week
man through your
fucking week instead of smashing the watermelons he's gonna eat them
thank you thank you very much all right which brings me to this tub of
patrice o'neal what i've loved about him is he's fat and arrogant it's the oddest
combination i've
ever seen in my life like he refuses to do comic view he actually feels that he's
above it i will
not do comic view patrice your whole act is perfect for that show you do 11
minutes you pretend to
talk about russia and then you do 52 minutes of pussy jokes
and you won't do comic view i mean patrice you're so calm you got a deal for
your own tv show you blew
all your money on a pinky ring a used cadillac and football jerseys and you won't
do comic view patrice you
are comic view why didn't you at least get your teeth fixed
treat you have the worst teeth in entertainment none of them match i worked in
a dental office
for five years i've never seen anybody with a molar in the front
you have no business having a headshot howard feller called he wants his old
teeth back
look at the space between his front teeth he looks like a fat 50 cent
four fifty cents
i'm just with them
i do i gotta do a disclaimer i'm getting the most groans here
and patrice is fat priest has that awful fat person bad breath where you don't
know if it's
coming the smells coming from his mouth or one of the folds in his neck
patrice's breath smells worse than jim norton's chest
but i make fun of priest i make fun of patrice only because i'm jealous of his
career
seriously he's doing great he just booked the lead in the to the sequel to
mighty joe young
patrice you really do you really do look like an out of shape gorilla
you look like that gorilla at the zoo that doesn't want to anymore
all right i was playing with all you god bless all you i love you patrice
for 10 years after hearing you along with so many other comics universally laud
patrice
i finally watched elephant in the room special uh within minutes he had me in
stitches it's so easy
to see why he was so revered within the comedy community i know you hold him
both as a comedian as
a personal person in an incredibly high regard i would love to hear some of
your insight into him
i recently heard that he was permanently banned from performing at the stand in
new york what was
that about no he was never banned from the stand the stand um the stand came
out or opened right around
when patrice got sick um he wasn't banned from there anyways really big fan of
the show and would
love to see come to australia again soon um yeah no patrice patrice was getting
banned from comedy clubs
all the time all the time but he was so good they had to let him back in uh it
reminds me of when i
read this this miles davis book and he was talking about charlie parker and
when he would party too much
and pawn his horn and these clubs would kick him out they'd eventually have to
bring him back in because
he was the best and patrice was the best and you know as much as he would drive
him nuts you wanted him
around you wanted him around you it's just like the like the comedy dropped by
40 percent even with
all the other comics still going there if he wasn't there and just the fun and
then they also knew that
if they banned him that none of the comics were going to hang out at their
clubs we were all going to go
to where he was um yeah so then they would let him back into the club and then
they created the table
that's that's how i remember it that's how i thought that they let's we'll have
them all these
fucking lunatics just have them sit in the back at the goddamn table so then we
were sitting down and
it just you know it was just a bunch of dogs in a fucking pit and then that's
how the trash and the
trashing was already happening i remember one night you know after i took the
pounding for
fucking the bus gig that i never even did i remember when bobby first shaved
his head
he came in and i always respected him for this he came in he had like a hat on
and he sat down right
at the the fat gay guy comic here listen to this story he didn't shy away from
the table he walked
right in sat down took his hat off and looked at everybody like all right give
it to me let's hear
it and everybody just it was like a def jam bit he took his head off and
everybody just what the
fuck he took this pounding and everyone was getting him and he was just sitting
there taking it laughing
and all that type of stuff and i actually thought he looked good with the
shaved head right and um
what's his face uh i think oh 