Name: Bill Burr Advice - Heartbroken Girl Write in to the Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-06-18T13:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Heartbroken Girl Write in to the Podcast' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Heartbroken Girl Write in to the Podcast' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-18. Transcript available.

Heartbroken and disgusted at the same time.
Hey Bill, I'm a 22-year-old female from Massachusetts.
Been tuned into your podcast to add a laugh to my day for about a year and a
half.
I don't know though, that was just a wild fucking guess.
Anyway, I'm writing in on the off chance that you give the urge to this
depressing email.
I don't want to read a depressing fucking email.
All right, I get it. Times are tough out there.
I have spoken to my therapist who only states the obvious, family members, even
my pastor about this,
and no one can give me actual advice that seeps into my mind.
Oh, so this is your Hail Mary. Okay.
Talking to some old guy who can barely read out loud.
All right, take this advice at your own risk.
All right. Oh, wait a minute. I've got something to lift your spirits.
Here we go. Come on. Play it.
Why won't it play?
What the fuck happened?
I was trying to lift your spirits.
Hey! Whoa!
With your host, Billy Byrne.
And I'm ripping off this melody from somebody else.
All right.
Okay, here's the deal.
I stick to myself because I don't trust or like people.
I find them boring, unsatisfying, and mean overall.
I grow bored easily, so just focus on studies, exercising, diet, and extra
fucking curriculars,
like checking out guys no matter how old or young, and watching a lot of porn.
All right. Here we go.
This sounds like a Netflix series about a fucking serial killer.
I also got my gun license recently.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, one day at yoga, a guy caught my eye.
He pursued me, and I followed it.
I allowed it for the first time at age 22.
I've been on dates, but never called for another one or liked the guy.
Well, this one dominated my every thought, and I actually wanted to have sex
for the first time.
Okay, all right.
Oh, boy.
Fast forward seven months later, and we had sex three weeks ago.
What?
Then he slowly started avoiding me at yoga.
Switched studios and says he feels weird about seeing me because it isn't just
a hookup or a one-night stand,
and he isn't used to having feelings.
Oh, boy.
Can I tell you something?
As a woman, I think this is part of you, of being with guys in their 20s.
That's how we all are.
We don't know to just say, listen, I just want to bang you.
I'm looking to bang.
That's what I'm into right now.
I don't want to be tied down.
I'm attracted to you.
I want to bang.
I want to fuck your brains out.
If that's not what you want to do, don't talk to me.
That's what you're doing.
Believe it or not, you can fucking be honest with people,
and there's some woman out there who also doesn't want to be in a fucking
relationship,
but she wants to get banged, and then boom.
Bang, boom.
Safe sex.
Great.
And then you leave each other alone.
Anyway, I confronted him, and he said that I am expecting a relationship from
home,
which he cannot give because he's too busy with work,
and he just doesn't like relationships.
But wait, he pursued you for seven months?
I'm really angry.
Well, you should be, and worried about him, too.
I can't focus on myself because of this guy.
Where does the gun come into all of this?
Oh, boy.
I can't focus on myself because of this guy.
He won't even answer my texts anymore, and I'm making a fool out of myself.
I trusted him with my virginity, and he just turned away because he feels
something for me.
Could you get Nia's lady opinion on this, too, as well as your own tough,
realistic advice?
Thank you, Bill.
And I would say go fuck yourself, but honestly, I cannot do to the level of
respect I have for you.
By the way, he was 30.
Oh.
All right.
Unfortunately, you're not going to go out into the dating world without getting
hurt.
All right?
And in a good way, it's good that you got hurt like this in the beginning, all
right, to get it out of the way.
All right?
And just because you had a bad experience with this person doesn't mean that,
you know, every guy is going to be this way.
They're not.
You just have to find the person, you know, that you should be with, which
involves looking.
Okay?
So you got to get back out there.
I mean, it's just like finding love is the same as trying to make it as a
comedian.
It's not like you walk on stage and you just know how to do an hour and kill.
You got to bomb.
Everything in life is just getting through bombing.
Anything worth having in life is just, that's how it works.
All right?
You have to go through pain in order to get to pleasure, to get to success or
whatever the hell that is you want.
You got to work.
All right?
And, um, so I don't know.
I don't know what your gun license had to do with anything, but please don't,
don't do anything other than target shooting or if you want to go hunting.
Um, other than that, uh, I don't want to tell you.
Yeah.
You met an asshole in a fucking yoga class.
And, uh, you know, I don't know.
We, we've all met assholes and it's just, it's just, I mean, not, now you got a
story.
You got a funny story to tell what the fuck you're going to do.
And, uh, I would, uh, I just keep it moving.
I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about that guy.
I mean, if you get outside the fact that, you know, what he did to you, I mean,
that guy's pretty pathetic, you know, it could have been worse.
You could actually fucking got in a relationship with him and married the guy
and had fucking kids with that asshole.
And then he could have left.
So you got off easy.
All right.
Everything's all good.
So I don't know.
I hope I'm giving you good advice.
You just freaked me out with the gun thing in the beginning.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Um, it really had nothing to do with the story.
Um, so I hope I helped you out.
Uh, I'm sorry that happened to you.
And I just think, uh, you know, shake it off.
He knows there.
Don't shake it off.
Allow yourself to go through the emotions of what this guy did to you.
It was fucking bullshit and cowardly and all that.
And he's old enough.
He's fucking old.
30 years old.
You shouldn't be out there doing that shit.
All right.
He shouldn't be out there fucking doing that.
Especially if it's your first time you told him that and he still fucking did
it.
That guy's a piece of shit and you should be rightfully be upset, but none of
your being
upset should involve your new gun license.
If you know what I mean.
All right.
With that, you know, go out and try to meet a nice person.
What you're going to do is you're the more you date, the more you're going to
be able to
pick out fucking assholes.
You're going to listen to your gut.
That's what's going to happen.
That happened to me the other day.
I fucking had lunch with somebody and I just said to somebody afterwards, how
well do you
know that person?
He said, pretty well.
I go, what happens when that, when her claws come out and oh yeah, she has a
temper, but
I was like, yeah, that's what I thought.
That's, that was my gut.
She answered a couple of fucking questions and I was like, Ooh, a little
fucking, a little
hot sauce on that.
Um, all right, so that's it.
I'm sorry.
Unfortunately in life, you got to go through pain and it's happening to you,
but, uh, you
will survive it and you will meet a great person if you look.
But if you stop looking, you won't.
All right.
It's all up to you.
All right.
Sexist comment.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Hey, that could be an alternate, alternate name for this podcast.
Hey, Billy Red Nuts.
My over 60 year old South African boss got himself in all kinds of trouble for
commenting.
Uh, it's nice to see a woman doing dishes to a lady at our work.
He had no idea that it was, it was offensive or why he had to apologize.
Go fuck yourself.
That's hilarious.
I, I, I agree with that in my life.
It is nice to see a woman doing dishes or cooking or doing any of that.
They seem to like, feel that they are above that.
Um, so many of them, you know, and that guys should continue to fucking earn
money and pay
for shit and wash dishes and fucking cook.
It's ridiculous.
Um, I, I agree with that guy.
My fucking do 80% of the dishes in my house.
It's just what it is.
All right.
Hey, rice and beans.
Hey, fuck nuts.
Uh, my wife typed out her family's red beans and rice recipe and sent it to me.
It's easily the best I've ever had.
Oh, there it is.
Get the fuck out of here.
All right.
Oh, we got, oh my God.
Oh, we got some garlic in there.
We got a bell pepper.
I love celery.
I'll tell you one of the best things at the farmer's market is if you get
actual organic
celery, it's on the next fucking level.
Cause it's such a forgettable fucking vegetable, right?
I'll tell you, when you go to a farmer's market, that's like going into a cigar
bar and
trying to actually find a real Cuban.
Everybody says what's in there is organic and so much of it fucking isn't.
Um, it's really a Dutch.
Master with the fucking Coiba fucking band.
Uh, we got bay leaves, cayenne pepper.
We got thyme, sage, parsley.
Oh my God.
We got some sausage in there.
What?
Are you fucking kidding?
I am making this shit, baby.
They heat the skillet.
I like, this seems actually a little healthier too.
Cause I don't see any shortening in there.
That's what scared me.
Um, Oh fuck.
Yeah.
I'm making this.
I love it.
I love it.
Okay.
Anyway, that is the podcast.
Congratulations.
To the Kansas city chiefs, the people of Kansas city and the San Francisco 49ers.
I am rooting for Kansas city.
Cause I'm rooting for their fans to get their first super bowl chance.
However, I don't think there's a chance in fucking hell that they're going to
beat the
fucking San Francisco 49ers because it's going to come down to defense.
And they just, San Francisco has a better one.
That's it.
That's it.
And that's it.
I hate to tell you, but that's what I think is going to happen.
I hope I'm fucking wrong.
I don't hope I'm wrong.
You know what?
Cause I love San Francisco and I love Kansas city.
Two great fucking teams.
Uh, I have to, and I'm just going to root for Kansas city cause it's been so
long since
they won one.
That's it.
All right.
That's the tail of the tape, but I'm fucking something, something.
All right.
That's it.
Go fuck yourselves.
Uh, and I will check in on you.
On Thursday.
Bye.