Name: Bill Burr Trashes Joel Osteen for 8 Minutes Straight
Uploaded: 2023-06-21T15:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Trashes Joel Osteen for 8 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Trashes Joel Osteen for 8 Minutes Straight' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-21. Transcript available.

Afterwards, the song leader got up and led the song,
Jesus paid it all.
The next week, the pastor talked about not gossiping
and watching your tongue.
The song leader got up and led,
I love to tell the story.
Another week, he talked about being willing to change.
The song leader got up and led,
I shall not be moved.
The pastor was so frustrated, he resigned.
Told the congregation, Jesus brought me here.
I'm here to fix your life.
What is it about?
I'm going to get out of this whole fucking comedy business
and I'm just going to fucking, you know,
I got to get into the Joel Osteen world.
I am so fucking envious of that guy.
That guy is a fucking genius.
He sells out a basketball arena every single Sunday.
Once a week, he does an arena gig.
Everybody's talking about Kevin Hart's doing a football scene.
This fucking guy sells out an arena every single Sunday.
That's a tough day to sell an arena.
Okay?
People are hungover from Friday and Saturday.
He sells out where the Houston Rockets used to play.
He bought that thing, put down some electric blue carpet and everybody comes to
him.
He sells out a basketball arena every single week.
The same fucking arena.
He doesn't have to go on the road.
You know?
He's not going to George W. Bush Airport, George Herbert Walker, fucking
whatever.
International Airport.
Right next to Halliburton that now is called Larry's fucking Widgets.
Whatever the fuck they call it down there, right?
This motherfucker just sits there and he lets the crowd come to him.
You know, he's got his own private Branson, Missouri.
His own Las Vegas.
They come from miles around.
And their shiny pickup trucks, their girlfriends named Darla, right?
All fucking made up.
Just an ozone layer of perfume.
Just walk it into that fucking place.
And he goes up there, right?
His fucking eyes closed.
You know?
And just tells these people what they want to hear.
That's the business I want to get in.
He doesn't have to pay to rent the fucking thing out.
And it's also a religion, so he probably doesn't pay any taxes.
He's got his own TV show, so you know he has groupies.
I mean, this guy, I mean, write down the checklist.
Everybody's talking about Ford versus Ferrari and how Ford came up with this
amazing sports car
that beat Ferrari.
What about Joel Osteen versus every fucking entertainer in this country?
You know?
And, you know, you got your Vegas acts that are there doing a residency,
but they don't own the casino.
Joel Osteen went out and he bought his own Flamingo.
And he headlines it 52 Sundays a year.
He's got his own TV show.
He's got his own radio show.
He's like that guy there.
Ryan Seacrest.
Except I don't think Ryan Seacrest could sell out the Staples Center every
single weekend.
52 Sundays in a row.
Doing his version of fucking rocking New Year's Eve in the top 40.
There's only one guy in this country that can do it.
That's Joel Osteen.
And I think it's high time when Forbes talks about the highest grossing
entertainers out there
that they stick this guy at the top of the fucking list.
I don't even think Elvis could fucking play Houston 52 Sundays in a row at his
height.
Treat me like a fool.
I don't think him.
Oh, you never know.
Those same fucking people would come down there.
They go see him on a Saturday.
And then all those women would go down on Sunday to Joel Osteen's to confess
their sins.
Anyway, I don't know.
So anybody knows the fucking rundown arena?
Is the fucking Silverdome in Michigan still available?
Get together with all things comedy.
We'll buy that.
And I'll just move to fucking Pontiac, Michigan.
Right?
I'll get an old Pontiac star, Chief.
And I'll fucking drive it in every goddamn week.
And I will do my shit and dick jokes wearing a suit with a red tie, my eyes
closed.
And I'll just tell you what you want to fucking hear.
Huh?
Let me just practice.
I got to practice my new act.
I mean, look at you.
You're listening to this podcast.
I mean, right there, you know you're alive.
You know you're special.
You know that Jesus cares about you.
If he didn't care about you, why would he give you ears to listen to what I'm
saying to you right now?
And I'm just a vessel of his words.
And it's coming from up high, and it's just passing through me, and it's going
right into you.
It's like a virus, except it doesn't kill you.
It makes you live forever.
Praise Jesus.
Everybody put their hands together.
Put your hands together.
Everybody close your eyes.
Because for some reason, if your eyes are closed, you can't really see the
bullshit that's coming at you.
I wonder if he, did he start, like, small?
Like, how do you become, is there like a preacher open mic where they're just
like, all right, this next preacher coming to the stage?
He's a really funny guy.
He's been talking about Jesus up and down the East Coast, and it called just,
please welcome Joey Olsteen.
Then he comes up there.
It's Joey Olsteen, but that's okay, because Jesus forgives.
Jesus doesn't care if you called him Jesus Christ.
He would just, he'd look the other way and turn the cheek.
Boo, you suck.
I heard this before.
That's okay.
I'm praying for you.
Why don't you open your eyes, you fucking asshole?
Okay, that guy over there must have too much of the devil in him.
Must have had a couple of devil dogs when he came in, because the devil's in
that satanic dessert.
And he, all right, that's enough for Joey.
Keep it going for Joey Olsteen, right?
He bombs for a while.
Then eventually, he just fucking, he starts getting into a groove, right?
I'll never forget the first time I was on stage, and I got somebody to say
praise Jesus without asking the crowd to say praise Jesus.
And I was like, praise Jesus.
That guy just said praise Jesus, because I was praising Jesus.
And it was, it was in that moment I knew that I was on my way.
That I could talk about this guy who may or may not have existed, who may or
may not be hawat, and I could make some money.
First thing I did was I bought an old cracker barrel that went out of business.
And, well, you know, I started filling that thing up.
I want to know the story.
How did he get to a fucking arena?
And the man simply does not have to leave his fucking ranch every week.
You know, everybody, everybody goes to Mecca.
I figured, why wouldn't they come to Joey?
Joey Olsteen talking about Jesus Kirajahest inside an old fucking arena.
You know what would be great?
What if I fucking, if Reunion Arena, where the Dallas Mavericks still used to
play, right?
What if that place still existed?
What if they didn't implode that, and I bought that, okay?
And I went against the grain.
He's down in Houston, and he's praising Jesus.
I would go there, and I would praise, I would go to Dallas, and I would praise
Satan, you know?
But I would steal his delivery, right?
Because I'm evil.
I'd just be like, Satan wants you to do anything that you want to do.
You want to grab a pussy, you know, it's good enough for the president, it's
good enough for you.
That's right, build the wall.
That's right, build the wall around anybody who doesn't look like us.
Praise, praise Satan, right?
And I would just fucking do that.
Then I'd make my money.
And then I could get on TV shows, and Jane Pauley would be interviewed.
But don't you feel a social responsibility for what is it you're putting out
there?
No, no, I don't.
If you look at all the commercials on TV, they're telling you.
They're telling you to get that flat screen.
They're telling you to get that hot tub.
They're telling you to go out there and get that wakeboard.
They're telling you to go out there and just have fun, fun, fun,
until the daddy takes the T-bird away.
Now, that was the Beach Boys.
They're one of the most wholesome acts in all of pop music, praise God.