Name: Bill Burr Advice - My Friend Acts like Bill Burr and it's Annoying
Uploaded: 2023-06-24T16:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Friend Acts like Bill Burr and it's Annoying' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Friend Acts like Bill Burr and it's Annoying' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-24. Transcript available.

All right. Bill, my friend wants to be you. Dear Freckled Avenger, I have a
problem. Ever since one of my buddies started listening to you, he started
trying to act exactly like you. He started using a fake Boston accent. He
changes his opinions according to the weekly podcast. I know because I listen
to the show and I can hear his opinions change during our conversations on
Tuesday morning.
Also, he roots for all Boston sports teams now. The only thing he hasn't done
is dye hair red. I don't want to be old. I don't want to call them out and
ruins the friendship. Could you please say a few words about this? Thanks. Well,
listen, pal. You know, it's long been stated that I am the Taylor Swift of
podcasting. All right. Little boys and girls look up to me. They want to be me.
They play dress up.
Yeah, I don't know what to do with this email. Whatever. He seems like he's
enjoying it to another level. I like that. He's a fan of all Boston teams right
now. And I'm kind of enjoying that. It's ruining your life. I actually wish I
didn't read this. I wonder if he's listening right now and can actually tell
that your that his own friend wrote this. This is fucking weird. I'm right in
the middle of it.
Is he going to get a fucking Patriots jersey that says Freckled Avenger on the
back of it? No.
And what kind of friend are you, man? Why can't you just let him have his fun?
People need heroes.
Why can't I be a hero to somebody?
You know, you know what I want to do? I want that dude to come out to a comedy
show when he laughs at one of my jokes.
I want to do that Taylor Swift thing and I'll look over in his direction and I'll
just whisper.
Oh, my God.
Did you ever see that thing on 60 Minutes?
When she would look into the upper deck when all these girls were screaming and
she would get this weird look on her face and then she would whisper, oh, my
God.
And it was just this totally calculated thing to try to make it appear that she
was so blown away by their show of affection.
But what it really seemed like, the look on her face and then the fact she was
saying, oh, my God, she actually looked like she looked like she was thinking
like, I thought I already killed those little bastards.
They're back again.
Oh, my God.
I have to fucking poison them again.
Well, there you go, everybody.
I have my first single.
What is it?
Single white male.
Maybe we'll do a remake of the movie.
Hey, you know what?
In that movie, that chick was a redhead, right?
Yeah, Jesus.
All right.
Dutch girlfriend turns out to be a hooker.
Oh, man.
I feel bad for you, but I don't feel bad for you.
Provided you didn't get an STD and you didn't knock her up.
Oh, Jesus.
All right.
Let's put on some latex and wade into this one, everybody.
Dear Bill, I live in the Netherlands.
I've been casually seeing this girl for a few months.
Her family is rich.
She's a pro fashion model and looks like Bridget Bardot.
I've heard that name, but I can't picture the face, but with a name like that,
right?
She's got to be all stuck up with her fucking perfect jeans.
Anyways, yesterday she told me that for the past few months, she's been working
as a whore.
How fucked up am I that I actually find that sexy on some level?
High class on account of her looks and profession.
2,000 euros for three hours.
10,000 euros for 24 hours.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Some guy slobbered all over you for 10,000 hours.
How quickly did you have to break up with this girl?
I shouldn't make fun of this.
This is terrible.
Why is she tapping out?
She's taking the easy way out here.
You're already a model.
Everybody's rich.
Is she getting written out of the will?
She's freaking out?
Like, what do I do?
I've been rich my whole life.
No, I'm not going to be.
Oh, I'll suck it.
Well, why don't I read when I continue reading here?
The usual clientele is rich corporate assholes and idiots who save up and think
paying ludicrous amounts of money will get them a better orgasm.
I have absolutely no interest in seeing this girl anymore.
She's not going to be the mother of my children.
Yeah, no, she's not.
Yet she's only told four other people.
If I split after her telling me this secret, she'll feel like a piece of trash
and view me like some Puritan asswipe.
My real reason for running away is you can't ask her to quit, and if she does,
she'll only resent you for it and be at risk of relapsing any time.
I got to get out.
How do I do it?
Well, what you have to do is stop being concerned about her feelings.
What about your feelings?
What about the fact that this woman is fucking around on you?
What about the fact that she could give you an STD?
What about the fact that a relationship is built on trust and she has this
giant fucking secret, arguably the biggest fucking secret you could have?
You know, I'm not judging anybody in this fucking story because I've been you
and I've been the whore.
I'm just saying, if I'm the whore, I expect to get fucking dumped.
You know?
There's plenty of man oars out there.
You know?
That's what happens.
Yeah, dude.
No, you got to stop thinking about it.
Like, it's weird.
Like, this is what you have to do.
You have to get over the...
You have to be selfish in a fucking relationship to end up getting what you
want in life.
All right?
And you have to have parameters.
And, you know, to use the cliche, you know, to make an omelet, you got to break
some eggs.
That's basically what you got to do.
And this is not your fault.
I don't know what happened to her that made her choose this horrific fucking
profession.
But it's not your fault and it's not your job to fix it.
And you said it in your last two sentences.
I got to get out.
How do I do it?
So, I guess your second to last sentence, you said it.
I got to get out.
So, you just have...
You don't have to be mean about it.
You just have to say, listen, that's just an unbelievable piece of information.
You just gave me that you were keeping from me.
And, Jesus Christ, you just got to use the cliche, you know, relationships
built on trust.
You know, I'm not judging you.
I wish you weren't.
You know what?
There's a part of her that might want is probably...
I don't even tell you this because you might run to this because it's easier.
But, like, you know, I don't know.
This is what I would do.
I would break up with her and then also try to get her help to get her out of
it.
That's what I would do.
And by getting her help, I would give her information where she can go.
She needs to handle this on her own because you have feelings for her
and you know that this isn't the mother of your kids.
And if you just keep hanging around with her, you're going to get sucked back
into it again.
And now you have to trust somebody who lied to you at that fucking level.
And that is just a fucking train wreck waiting to happen.
All right, dude, I would go get myself tested for everything under the fucking
sun.
And that's it.
That's it.
And if she cries, I mean, that's part of it.
And she brought it on herself.
It's not your fault.
All right?
And I'm not trying to be mean or whatever.
I mean, I don't know what happened to her that made her do that type of shit,
but that's not your fault.
Okay?
So why don't you go out there, find a great girl who isn't a whore on the side
and go live your dreams.
All right?
And you know what?
You're going to dump her and it's going to hurt for a little while.
Even though you knew it was the right thing to do, it's still supposed to hurt
because you're a human being.
You just got to push through that.
Go to the gym.
Right?
Have a couple of belts at the bar.
But just stay in it.
Stay in that pain.
And you wait till that pain's gone and then you fucking go out and try to find
somebody else.
In the meantime, you rub one out.
All right.
Okay.
Ordain my wedding.
Hey, Bill, I'm getting married in October.
Yes.
I'm getting in that line to lose half my shit.
Well, hey, welcome to the club.
So did I.
Strange request.
But would you ordain my wedding or at least be my best man?
What does ordain mean?
You want me to go, dude, we are gathered here today to join these two people.
Unholy matrimony under the eyes of God, in front of the church, next to your
fucking busted aspirator tube there.
Yeah.
What kind of a man invites another man to a fucking wedding?
Don't ever do that to me again.
Okay?
I'll look past it one time.
Why the fuck would I want to go to a wedding?
You know, actually, you know what?
The reason why I didn't like to go to weddings in the past is because it put
pressure on my relationship.
Now that we finally got married, there's no fucking pressure.
We're going to a wedding coming up and I'm fucking psyched.
You know?
I already did it.
I don't have a fucking problem.
We're sitting there eating fucking hors d'oeuvres, dancing to the locomotion,
whatever the fuck it is.
Just getting hammered.
I'm going to have a great fucking time for the first time.
You know what?
I might do you.
Where is your wedding?
If I got a gig in the area, if I got a gig in the area, I might come over there.
Tell me where it is.
Who knows?
Stranger things have happened.
But then if I do yours, then I got to do everybody's.
Right?
Can I sell my DVDs at the end of your wedding?
Try out a couple of bits.