Name: Bill Burr Advice - How to Ask Out a Random Girl
Uploaded: 2023-06-26T16:00:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Ask Out a Random Girl' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Ask Out a Random Girl' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-26. Transcript available.

Okay, let's get on to advice this week, everybody.
All right, hey Bill, I always feel like you give great advice.
Well, thank you.
So I thought maybe you could give me some on this situation.
I was in a local shop a few weeks ago, and there was a little hottie working
there.
I had seen her there once before, and both times she really caught my attention.
I had the urge to ask her out while I was there, and I did not say anything to
her,
other than some idle nonsense about sunglasses I was looking at.
Oh, that's the worst.
The little bit we did talk, though, she seemed really cool and really nice.
My advice is how can slash should I ask her out without looking like coming off
like a creep?
I'm a good-looking guy, have a great career as an attorney, but when it comes
to ladies, I can be shy sometimes.
See, that's a very strong thing that you're able to admit that, but every guy
just went,
Oh, what's the matter?
You go up and say something to her.
That's how guys handle it.
We just beat it out of each other.
Okay.
We said what I'm trying to work on.
But he says, every once in a while you see a girl that blows you away, and this
time I wanted to do something about it.
All right.
All right, dude.
This is what you got to do.
You got to work on your self-esteem.
Okay?
You know you're a good-looking guy, and you have a great career.
Believe it or not, that's game, set, and match.
Do you know the amount of fucking not even good-looking guys who have a shit
job, and they're just scumbags, but they're assholes who are out there fucking
crushing it every goddamn weekend because they just have the balls to walk up
and talk to these women?
You know?
This is what you got to do.
You actually know what you got to do.
You said you can be shy sometimes, but you're saying you're working on it.
So there you go.
Just keep going.
Look, dude.
She probably liked...
If you're a good-looking guy and you're a fucking attorney, he actually said
something here.
I'm hoping to see you at Caroline's in May.
If my dickhead friends can get their shit together.
If they can't, maybe with your stellar advice, I can even bring this hottie to
the show.
Why don't you just do that?
Go in there, make her laugh, joke around with her or anything, and just fucking
lay it on the line.
Listen, I'm really attracted to you.
I think you're beautiful.
However the fuck you want to say it.
And just say, you know...
I think it's always good if you have somewhere that you're going.
Just say, I'm going to this comedy show.
I love...
You know, I'm really into this stand-up comedian.
I have an extra ticket.
Would you like to go to?
Women like going to stuff.
You know?
It gives them an excuse to get dressed up.
It gives them an excuse to not feel fucking guilty when they're blowing you
later because they actually went to some sort of ball or some shit, you know?
Ah, God.
Even with advice, I'm awful this week.
But the essence of it is there.
All right.
You already talked to her.
Just go in there again.
You're not going to come off like a creep.
I actually think that it's easier to pick somebody up and get their number, at
least back in the day.
I have no game left anymore because I've been in a relationship too long.
But I always found that it was easier for me to get a girl's phone number at
the fucking gym.
Gym's a little bit harder.
But, like, I used to do it on...
I used to get it on the subway.
Oddly enough, I had a better chance there than I did in some meat market bar
because I was never good when females had their guards up.
When they knew what play I was running.
Some guys can do that.
They're like the old Packers.
Like, everybody knew the Packers sweep was coming and Forrest Gregg still
fucking ran over you.
And some guys are like that.
Even when women know they got their fucking guard up and they know what the
fuck they're doing, they can still plow through it.
They run over.
The guys just run right over those girls like Forrest Gregg.
Next thing you know, they're laying on their backs with their legs up in the
air and they get the dick.
I was never that guy.
I snuck up on you.
I waited for something stupid to happen that I could comment on and then I'd
get the girl laughing.
And then when her fucking defenses were down, I'd wrestle her cell phone out
from her fingers.
No, whatever.
I'd somehow get her number.
So what I would do is I would just go in there and I'll just keep re-explaining
this 20 fucking times.
Dude, get tickets to my show.
All right?
Look at me.
I'm going to make a little money out of this advice.
So now you've got somewhere that you've got to take her.
Take her out, you know, a little dinner.
You see a comedy show.
She's already fucking laughing.
Halfway through my act, you do the old, you're laughing your ass off.
Don't try to put your arm around her shoulder.
That's old school, right?
You put it right on her fucking thigh.
You know, and then you sort of start creeping up there with your fingers.
You know, like you're sort of thinking about something, going pinky, ring,
middle, index.
You just sort of work your way up like an inchworm.
And then you're getting made fun of me because you guys are fucking walking out
during my closing bit to go bang at the fucking W around the corner.
Dude, it's right there.
It's a layup.
It's a fucking layup.
All right.
Next one.
Hey, Bill.
Huge fan of the podcast and all your stand-up and have made all my friends big
fans of yours as well.
I really enjoy the relationship advice.
Well, all right.
People actually are starting to address the fact that I've never been married.
Why am I taking your fucking advice?
Here's my situation.
I'm 29.
Recently graduated from medical school.
After a good number of years honing my boning skills in the free market, I'm
ready to calm down and have a serious girlfriend.
Ironically, the girl that I'm dating and wanted to get serious with was
actually my college girlfriend and first love.
We dated throughout college but broke up before attending different medical
schools.
During our years together, I cheated a lot, but to my knowledge, never got
caught.
A big part of the reason I was so promiscuous besides being your typical piece
of shit, cocky, asshole guy full of testosterone was because she was very
sexually inhibited.
No blowjobs.
The routine, conventional positions, sex about once every other day, and that
just wasn't cutting it for me.
Now, in every other category, she was amazing.
Fun to hang out with, but still ladylike, caring, respectable, educated,
fashionable, and extremely beautiful.
So, like I said before, we broke up for about five years and are back dating
again.
And the sex is exactly the same.
Now, while I'm grateful that some guy didn't completely smutter out during our
breakup,
I did expect some sort of sexual maturation.
Blowjobs remain few and far between and pretty subpar.
This guy's black, by the way, before you think this is something fucked up.
What makes it even more difficult this time around is after banging my fair
share of broads in our off-season,
My sexual prowess has grown significantly.
It's hard because I really want to be faithful this time around and take the
relationship more seriously,
but I fear I'm not going to be sexually satisfied.
My greatest fear is ending up like one of my father's friends,
who I always hear complaining about how shitty their sex lives have become
after marriage.
How I should have had all my fun now and blah, blah, blah.
Stereotypical castrated merry man background noise.
Fuck that extra sad shit.
I'm not getting married unless I know my wife is going to be a lady in the
streets and a freak in the sheets.
My question is, how serious should I take this problem?
Should I be patient and hope that I can liberate her sexually,
or should I bail and keep searching for a God-faring, dinner-cooking super
freak?
If you don't mind asking...
Oh, if you don't mind asking Nia as well,
I'd like to hear what the sister has to say.
Oh, shit.
I should have read that to her.
By the way, I'm also black,
so when you get to, is it racist, racist, racist?
No, I'm allowed to say sisters.
All right.
You know what?
I really wish I'd read that part.
I would have had her in here, but she's not around today.
What should you do?
All right.
Number one, don't cheat on her.
What you should do is you should communicate this to her.
Obviously, not the way you just said it to me.
Oh, Jesus.
This is tough.
I'd have to ask you some questions.
Let me ask you this.
Do you feel she has the potential?
That would be my number one thing.
Is, all right, this is how I would do it.
All right, fuck this.
All right, now I'm back on track.
This is what I would do.
First thing I would do is I would see if she has the potential.
All right?
If she's a good kisser, if she has a good touch, if when you're banging her,
you don't feel like you're fucking riding in the back of a delivery truck.
The rhythm's there.
She has the basic tools.
All right?
Because some people, they just don't.
They're not blessed with the touch.
They're not good kissers.
You know?
And a lot of females, not a lot, but, you know, enough are.
That's another thing they never bring up.
They always talk about how guys don't know shit in bed and you just blah, blah,
blah, blah.
But there's a lot of women out there who, they don't know shit either.
Not saying they're bad or whatever, but some of them just are just never going
to be good.
So if you feel she has the potential, then there's hope.
So what you have to do is you have to basically, what I used to tell my friends,
we used to joke around, just say, you got to tap into her inner whore.
All right?
And there's a couple of ways to do it.
One of them, and it's very delicate, dude.
It's like one of those fucking action movies where you're sitting there trying
to clip the right fucking wire as it's, you know, eight seconds left.
There's a couple of ways you go about it.
One of the ways is, well, first of all, there's a couple of rules.
One, as she's trying to open up with you sexually or whatever, don't ever judge
anything that she wants to do or try and don't ever make fun of anything that
she said in bed.
If she says some dumb shit, which she's probably going to say because you sound
like you're way more experienced.
If she's trying to talk dirty for the first fucking time and she says some dumb
shit, do not laugh.
All right?
You got to do the quiet.
But don't ever do that.
That is like someone is never more vulnerable than in that, especially a female.
You can't do that.
And then what I would do is I would just basically figure out what she's into.
Try to figure out what some of her fantasies are.
All right?
So that's how I would start it.
Find out what some of her fantasies are, and you start getting her down that
road.