Name: Bill Burr Advice - How to Fix Relationship Problems
Uploaded: 2023-06-28T16:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Fix Relationship Problems' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - How to Fix Relationship Problems' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-28. Transcript available.

All right, advice for this week.
Dearest Bill, my entire life I've jumped from one long relationship to another.
Oh, Jesus.
At the ripe age of 30, I've started to see a pattern.
Good for you.
There you go.
That's right.
You've seen a pattern.
Now, see people, this is how you improve your life.
Rather than blaming others.
It's like being a comedian.
How many times can you bomb and say, and this crowd sucks?
At some point, you've got to look at yourself.
You've got to go to the mirror and look at your fucking booze bag, freckled
face like me a few months ago.
And say, listen, I've got to lay off the booze.
I've got to work on my act here.
So this is what this guy's doing.
Exactly.
You keep pulling fish out of the same poison pond and you're getting tired of
it.
Good for you, sir.
Here's the pattern.
He goes, when I start dating a woman, she's dolled up.
She's in great shape.
She's fun to be around.
She's always willing to go the extra mile by doing little things to show you
she cares.
And she's willing to explore, enjoy, and share my interests.
All right.
Starting off a little myopic.
She dresses nice and likes to do the shit I do.
All right.
After a few months to one year, she dolls up about 50% of the time.
She's still in good shape.
She's fun to be around.
She's willing to explore and share my interests one year on.
Little by little, things start to disappear.
She dolls up 10% of the time.
She's in average to pudgy shape.
She's fun about half the time.
And she's only willing to share interests that are already developed.
Oh, so she doesn't want to do any new things.
Each girl seems to stray further and further away from their month one
personalities at different rates.
Yet it seems to always stray away into the negative zone.
Oh, it never gets better.
I again find myself in a new relationship.
Things, okay.
So he gets out of that one, one year in.
He goes, I again find myself in a new relationship.
Things are fan-fucking-tastic.
I'm living the dream, yet I find myself terrified.
Oh, so I guess he's in a new relationship.
When will she stop dolling up?
When will she stop being easygoing?
When will that little pouch start to grow above her belt?
I'm jaded and scared, Bill.
Does the month one girl ever stick around?
Am I doing something to turn these perfect girls into comfortable couch
potatoes?
I don't want to see another one transform.
What do I do?
I know it's human nature to get comfortable sooner or later, to be able to
function as a normal human being.
It's impossible to keep that one-month girl around.
But can't they just stay in the one-month-year category?
Do they have to go beyond the one-year?
Oh, it's far.
And he said, okay, am I ready to get Bill burned?
People like that one.
I forget what the other one was.
It was, wait, I got it here at the top of the page.
Oh, ginger.
Oh, ginger.
Oh, ginger snap.
Those are my catchphrases, everybody.
All right.
Let's plow ahead here.
What am I up to?
Oh, by the way, I'm probably going to forget this.
So if my web guy is listening, please remind me to put up the YouTube videos of
that redheaded kid.
There's some poor bastard, this kid, I don't know how old he is.
He's like 12, 13 years old, and he makes these videos.
And he's just, he doesn't know any better.
He lives in the middle of nowhere.
He's just making a total ass of himself.
So every time he, and he's a redhead, you know, he's already in an awkward age,
and he's a redhead, and he's a redhead male.
So, you know, that's just a fucking hailstorm.
I lived through it.
It's not a pretty sight.
Score!
San Jose Sharks go up 2-0.
Sorry, I got the game on in the background.
So anyways, yeah, that's not a fun time.
It's not a fun time for fucking anybody, unless, you know, you're just one of
the popular kids.
So this kid keeps making these videos.
So what happened was, was people started trashing him.
Because that's what happens.
You know, you put yourself out there.
You basically, the second you get on a stage, or you film yourself, you've
basically, you've put yourself on a dunking stool,
and given the world a bunch of baseballs.
That's basically what you've done.
And this kid didn't realize it, so they start fucking trashing him.
And rather than ignoring it, he's been responding to it, and he's yelling into
the camera.
This is a message for all you haters out there.
I can make as many videos as I want, but I'm going to continue making videos.
So fuck you!
He's doing that, and he has faces all fucking freckled and red.
He looks like a young Malachi from Children of the Corn.
He sings songs.
Actually, I've got to name a name here.
Aziz from Parks and Recreation was down there.
I've got to give him credit.
Aziz Ansari, he hooked me up with these videos.
He goes, you've got to check these out.
Because I was telling him, you've got to watch that guy at the Del Taco who
gets knocked out three fucking times in this battle royal.
So whatever.
I'm hyping that video, and I hope that I remember to tell my web guy about it.
If not, I hope he's listening to this podcast and they put it up because it's
fucking hilarious.
So anyways, let's get back to this guy.
He basically asked me, how does somebody stay in the one-month thing?
Well, let me ask you this, sir.
How do you do over the year?
Do you put on any weight?
What do you do?
You know?
This is the thing about relationships that I learned is that they're fucking
work.
And it's what you're discovering is that what happens is you meet somebody, and
yeah, it's exciting.
It's new.
It's like, I don't know, you go on vacation.
Say you've never been to Miami.
You go to Miami Beach, it's going to be fucking exciting.
All right?
You've got another vacation, you go to Miami Beach again.
It's still exciting, but it's not quite as easy.
You keep fucking doing the same thing.
It's just natural that you start taking things for granted, and it works on
both sides.
What I would do is if you want your girl to stay in shape is I would keep
myself in shape.
And if you're into a girl that stays in shape, and there's nothing wrong with
that, by the way.
There's always on those women's shows that that's superficial, and blah, blah,
blah, and guys should look beyond, and fuck you.
You're lazy, and you want to eat ice cream, and you still want to get the same
amount of love like you have an hourglass figure.
You know?
That's just women pimping guys, okay?
If you want a woman who's in shape, why don't you fucking date someone who
likes to work out?
That's what I would do.
Who's into that type of shit?
Who considers that type of thing important?
That's what I would do.
And then you kept saying shit like she's willing to explore, enjoy, and share
my interests.
Well, that's all well and good as long as you're willing to do it with her.
And also, I would say that, you know, you know what's a great thing to do in a
relationship is to have interests outside of the other person.
And the two of you fuck off for an hour or two every day.
You know?
Like, I can tell you, if I'm in a relationship, all right, and I join a gym, I
don't want my girl joining the same fucking gym.
I don't.
I want two hours by myself.
Who's kidding who?
20 minutes on the treadmill and be like, ah, lift weights tomorrow.
Whatever.
Say like an hour to myself.
I listen to my music.
You know?
I'm looking at the fucking ass and titties of other girls, right?
That's legal.
You know?
They're walking around in their sports bras.
I can do that.
You know?
Listen to my ACDC.
Fucking get pumped.
Lie to myself.
Like, dude, end of the summer, I'm putting up 225, kid.
Fucking two plates on both sides, dude.
I can lie to myself.
You know?
But I definitely think, uh, look, I would just say, you know, the next time you're,
you're, you're, tell your girl that's, that's, that's your fear.
Said, you know, look, I, I just keep being in these relationships and
everything just sort of winds down.
Everybody, you know, people are in good shape.
I wouldn't, you know, I don't know.
It's kind of a tough thing to say.
To be like, are you going to become a fatty in a year?
Um, I don't know, dude.
You ever thought about just being single and just tagging a bunch of chicks who
are in shape?
And every night we'll be exciting and new.
Come aboard.
I'm expecting you.
So ride my single fucking goddamn cock.
Um, every, evidently the way you can get herpes while still wearing a condom is,
is I guess that the, uh, the part of your dick that's behind the marginal line
there.
Basically the part, you know, you put a condom on, you roll it down.
You always have it at fucking three quarters mass.
Don't you?
Even if you stretch it all the way down, it doesn't fucking cover your whole
dick.
There's always going to be the goddamn, uh, you know, eighth of an inch of
shaft, you know, unless you got a huge fucking dick and you bought the wrong
condoms and half your dick's hanging out.
Hanging out, right?
And the condom's on top of your head and your dick looks like fucking Arnold
from Happy Days.
Remember that hat he used to wear?
Or Big Al?
Um, I guess that's how you can get it.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
When I hear about STDs, it just makes me happy I'm in a fucking relationship,
you know?
Um, anyways, let's plow ahead here.
Next, next question here.
Next fucking question.
Uh, Bill, big fan of your comedy podcast.
Listen to it every Tuesday on the way home while I'm stuck in traffic.
Anyway, here's my deal.
I moved to Austin.
You know what?
I just realized I forgot to tell you guys how I'm working on my temper.
I decided to break it up into chunks.
Rather than just trying not to lose my shit, I just realized I gotta, I just
gotta attack it in chunks.
So this is how I'm trying to do it.
I'm just working on my temper in the car.
That's it.
And I've been meaning to get a post-it and I'm just gonna draw a smiley face on
it and just stick it on the dashboard.