Name: Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Smokes Way Too Much Weed
Uploaded: 2023-06-29T16:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Smokes Way Too Much Weed' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - My Girlfriend Smokes Way Too Much Weed' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-29. Transcript available.

let's uh let's get to the letters here all right girl smokes a lot of weed hey
cincinnati bow tie
billy i don't know what that means i gotta look that up um i've been with my
girlfriend for two
years and lived with her for about a year and a half she has smoked weed since
the day we met
which doesn't bother me because i used to smoke myself what bothers me is how
many times she
smokes it in a given day we will sometimes be hanging out watching tv and she
will out of
nowhere get up to grab her bowl to take a hit i've even caught her getting out
of bed in the
middle of the night to take a hit i don't want to tell her she can't smoke
after all i used to smoke
myself uh she just looks like a drug feed always trying to get her fixed i don't
get why she has
to be high 24 7 i have a beer one beer after work maybe one to two days a week
and sometimes she
will throw that in my face if i comment about her constant weed smoking which
isn't even close to
the same thing i've always said this about weed smokers i've always said that
about them like
the level that they get they get fucking high at work not all of them i'm just
saying you know like
they'll fucking go out they'd be like if i went on the parking lot and shotgunned
a beer and came in
like with booze on my breath um and it is addictive not to everybody but you
can become
addicted it sounds like she is addicted to this shit like she needs it to help
her sleep she needs
it so she can fucking deal man um anyway she goes something he goes sometimes
she'll throw that in my
face if i comment about her constant weed smoking which isn't even close to the
same thing she also
complains that she is broke it has no problem spending a hundred dollars on a
bag of weed
a bag of weed what kills me is she will sometimes ask me to help i'll help her
out with the bill or
whatever and i'm just like what the fuck how about you don't buy weed our
relationship is great this
isn't a deal breaker or anything it's just an annoyance should i just deal with
it or should i try
to get her to chill out with weed what would you do with the lovely nia smoked
weed all day thanks go
fuck yourself i would address it i would definitely address it okay um yeah she
has a problem with that
shit if you're waking up in the middle of the night and taking another hit i
mean i always just equate it
to drinking because for some reason people can see alcoholism but they can't
see addiction with weed
um if you were with somebody and in the middle of the night they got up and
poured themselves a belt
or two you know a couple fingers of scotch and slammed it and then went back to
sleep
or right in the middle of a movie they went over and just fucking shotgunned a
beer
and i that because that's basically what they're doing it's not like they go
out and make a drink and
they're sipping it they're not that you know they're getting high they're not
gradually getting drunk it's
like you do it boom yeah hi um and if she's doing it all the time and she doesn't
have she's not making
any money and then she asking you to help her out i mean if what if you didn't
have a job and you were
drinking at the level that she was smoking and you were spending a hundred
bucks on beer every week
and sometimes you know you would ask her for help um what would she do she
would be upset now this is
what i would do i would bring it up with her she's gonna get mad and this is
the thing
you cannot get mad too if she yells and calls you names and everything just do
not get mad just sit
there and know that she is you know you're gonna lose the fight if you bring up
her weed smoking and
then she's like you know what the fuck you fucking blah blah blah blah blah and
then if you if you go to
where the fuck she is there you're gonna lose because then it's become a name-calling
thing and
you know she has successfully gotten it out of the arena of what she's doing is
fucked up
uh yeah i you just need to stay in the pocket and be like listen i don't mind
that you smoke weed
i drink beer okay but you are smoking weed 24 7 you're getting up in the middle
of the night
and you're smoking weed and i'm worried about you and you're asking me on
sometime you're blowing a
hundred dollars a week on weed and you're asking me to help you out sometime
okay now in all fairness
if i was blowing a hundred bucks on beer every week and i was you know waking
up in the middle of the night
drinking a beer and they're gonna pull that shit that isn't the same thing yes
it is it is the same
thing you're altering your mental state with alcohol except you're using you're
you're using marijuana
all right and uh you know i care about you and you're kind of going down you
know it's basically
it's your job to keep your woman in line and it's her job to keep you in line
and that isn't some
sexist shit by when i say keep you in line which just means when they see you
going out of bounds
they see you going up river a little bit like colonel kurtz shaving your head
going the horror as you
sit there in the corner fucking shotgunning a beer it's her job to be like i
think you're starting
to your drinking's getting a little out of control that's what you do when you
love somebody so
just know that she might not be ready to hear that shit but you know she has to
hear it from you
you're just trying to help her out if she flips out and calls you a bunch of
names just say listen let's
i've said what i had to say i'm more than willing to discuss this with you
later when you've calmed
down but i'm not going to get into a name calling uh argument with you and you
leave it at that and then
they have no fucking choice
they have no choice other than to just fucking chill at that point or they
continue calling your
names but if after that they're gonna they're gonna owe you an apology all
right and if they don't
apologize and they can't admit that they're wrong that's a whole other fucking
red flag
you know because i couldn't be in a fucking relationship once if with somebody
who could
you know if they fuck up can't be like all right you know what you will write
on that one you know
you got to have that if you don't have that i don't know what the fuck you got
so good luck with
that sir all right next one what the fuck to do sir burr love the show and
listen weekly thanks for
making my mondays entertaining well you're welcome all right i am 39 and
separated with the child
and i started seeing a woman who was 43 divorced with her own child but up and
up up here's a story
about two months into the relationship we were getting serious and we started
discussing a future
together however our relationship started to erode about as quickly as it
started and we ended up
breaking up after dating a total of six months one of the reasons we ended
things was that we didn't
agree on wanting more kids she wanted more but i didn't we ended on such a bad
note that we agreed
to not talk anymore um okay at this point i'm like good that was a very mature
relationship
early on you said what you both wanted you realized that you didn't you wanted
two different things and
you walked got a little ugly there for a second but who gives a fuck anyways he
goes his luck would
have it about two to three weeks after we broke up she called me to tell me she
is pregnant
oh my god wait a minute
she wanted more and i didn't she pulled the goalie
oh dude you didn't want more kids you didn't use a condom
oh my god she goes he goes i did not know how it was possible okay because we
took precautions
but i guess i slipped up i slipped one past the goalie i was devastated and
worried because not only
do i do i not want more kids my current financial situation would limit me
greatly in my ability to take care of my child and another child
my question to you is what the fuck do i do
uh i would get a paternity test
definitely get a paternity test to make sure it's yours
um if you don't want to i mean that's and that's a prayer i'm not saying
anything bad about this woman but just
you know you got to throw the hail mary here and hope maybe you get lucky
he goes my question to you is what the fuck do i do she doesn't want to have
an abortion and told me that we should get back together and have the baby
is she lying
she said if not she would try to legally prevent me from
having a part being part of the child's life
as i was writing this she was about six weeks pregnant
so a lot of time a lot of time to stress about it
um yeah dude fuck all of that
she's gonna i mean
wait a minute let me just read the last paragraph this
he goes i'm not stupid enough
to go to a comedian for advice however i do think you have an interesting
perspective on life and i'd love to hear your point of view
this situation has since been resolved
see below to see how it turned out but the
but answer the question before you see the result
thanks and go fuck yourself well i don't see the result here
below i'd love to know what happened
jesus now you're leaving me hanging and all my listeners
all right here's my thing if any woman said
you know you got me pregnant
and i didn't want to be with her
and she said uh if you don't
live with me and we have a relationship
you'll never see
uh the kid
i would just be like that's no way to go into a relationship
okay you want to find love
okay and the way to find true love is not to hold somebody hostage
okay
we made a mistake
now we're going to be adults and we are going to raise this child
in an unconventional way
because we do not love each other
so it's not going to be fair to the kid if we're both together
it also will not be fair to the kid if you prevent the kid from seeing
the mother his mother or his father
okay so we need to be adults and put this kid first and set aside our
differences
and be as mature about this as we possibly can
the next 18 years are critical in this kid's life
and we need to suck it up
all right
so let's get on the same damn page here
all right
i mean somewhere along the lines i would i would say that
but i would definitely get a fucking paternity test
um because you never know what somebody's doing
and uh you know you kind of seem like dumbfounded that you actually got her
pregnant
who knows what happens
she seems like she wants more kids
she could be this desperate person that was you know
i don't know what but uh stranger things have happened
so i would definitely get a paternity test
and if she gets mad fuck her
who gives a shit
if she gets mad i'd be like listen
you know you shouldn't say this but in your head you got to be thinking
this is somebody who's fucking crazy enough
to basically threaten me into her life
if you're crazy enough to do that
you're crazy enough to say a kid that isn't mine is mine
okay
she's not acting stable right now
so
i don't know
and that is healthy paranoia
that is not uh you know