Name: Bill Burr & Nia's Most Hilarious Moments on the Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-07-01T15:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia's Most Hilarious Moments on the Podcast' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr & Nia's Most Hilarious Moments on the Podcast' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-01. Transcript available.

Bill Burr & Nia's Most Hilarious Moments on the Podcast

Oh, there we go. The lovely Nia, everybody.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Nia.
Happy birthday to you.
Yeah. Sorry.
That was beautiful.
Oh, it was. In its own sad way.
How'd you like your cupcake?
I loved it.
There you go.
You made me a cupcake, my favorite kind of cupcake, too, which is very sweet.
You're the sweetest.
All right. Put a little candle right in it.
Put a little candle in it.
It was very adorable.
That was very nice.
Yeah, and you didn't mush it in my face.
I didn't.
All right. Well, happy birthday.
There's a whole bunch more that you made, so, you know.
Well, that's the thing. All my recipes.
Stay on your P's and Q's, sweetheart.
Well, the thing is, is all my recipes come from my mother.
Mm-hmm.
So they all serve, like, 10 people, so.
Right.
Well, and most cupcake recipes are going to be for, like, more than one.
They made 30.
Yeah.
I stopped after.
I went two rounds through it.
What did I make?
What is it?
What was it?
Was it six in a tray or eight in a tray?
Yeah.
There's, like, 18 or 20 of them out there.
Yeah.
Well, nobody makes one cupcake, so, yeah.
Any kind of recipe is going to be for, like, six.
Well, why don't you just make, like, six?
Six is perfect.
They never think about, like, they don't – they never think about the lonely
people when they make a cookbook.
Well, the thing is, you could put enough batter in for six and cook the six and
then freeze the rest of your batter and just have it for the next time you want
to make cupcakes.
So it's not like it's a complete waste.
Oh, all right.
But, you know, who's going to give you the exact measurements for, like, one or
two cupcakes?
That's silly.
Well, you know what?
I think – yeah, that would be a great idea for a cookbook.
What?
Cupcakes for one.
No, the loner cookbook.
The loner – oh.
Or, like, just single.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, like sitting there trying to do the math.
You know, it serves eight.
It's just like I'm 22.
I'm trying to make spaghetti over here.
Why don't they just make it?
But that's why you have – but the thing is, that's why it's good to have
leftovers.
You freeze the shit and you have it for later.
Well, it's not bad now because you can go on the Internet like today.
I'm sitting there looking at that fucking cane sugar and they're asking me –
in the bag it says two pounds of cane sugar.
And they wanted a certain amount of ounces.
And I'm sitting there and all I have is, like, a quarter cup.
So I go – I was like, how many cups are in a pound?
And they're like, well, cups is more of, like, a size.
Yeah.
Not a size.
What is the word?
Like a – they couldn't figure, like, it's not a weight.
A cup is not a weight.
It's more like a fucking handful kind of looking at it like that.
So what I actually did was I took out one of your little sports fucking things
that you drink out of that has ounces on the side.
Yeah, they put the protein shakes in.
Yes.
Oh, that works.
Yeah.
Well, that's why the thing was a disaster once I got out there.
It looked like a bakery exploded in there.
Yeah.
There's flour everywhere.
Yep.
Mix this, like, kicked on the countertops and on the floor and dried little
white puddles.
That's right.
You're like a little kid.
Whenever you go in to make something, you make the biggest fucking mess I have
ever seen.
The kitchen is a disaster area.
That's why I like it.
You've got, like, stains all over your apron.
You know, you're sweating a little bit.
You're hairy.
You're, like, slipping around in your socks in the kitchen, sliding around in
flour.
You're all, like, stressed out.
You're all red in the face.
I wasn't stressed out.
You weren't stressed out this time.
But other times you've made stuff.
It's been funny.
That's when I was –
I've learned to stay away.
Well, here's the thing.
At the kitchen.
No, no.
Here's the thing.
That was the younger me who flipped out all the –
No, I didn't flip out a year ago.
Quit going for the joke.
Come on.
I'm getting better.
Yeah.
And also, back in the day, I didn't have an apron.
You've got to have an apron.
You've got to have an apron.
The apron.
Your fans are all messy.
You just –
Right on the front of them.
You just keep marching forward.
You leave the casualties behind you.
It's fucking phenomenal.
It was delicious, though.
I really appreciate it.
And your gifts were amazing.
Of course they were.
You killed it this birthday, honey.
Of course I did.
And you know why I killed it?
Because you always figure out what I'm going to get you.
Because I just played like I was a moron.
I really hate that, though.
And –
Can I just say, I really – you drove me crazy with that yesterday.
You were driving me nuts.
You were actually mad at me.
That was the fun thing.
I was trying not to be, but you were really pushing my buttons.
You were trying to make me mad.
See, that's the thing.
You were toying with me.
No, huh?
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I emailed you something like a month ago.
This is old.
Just saying, hey, if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday, because I
know you're
busy.
I know you're on the road and all this other stuff.
Oh, look at you acting like you're considerate.
Like you're considerate.
So, I am.
I'm telling you what I want.
Also, you know, it's like I'm not like a little kid.
You know what I mean?
I'm not going to tell you exactly what I want to lead you in the right
direction.
What, do little kids say what they don't want?
Well, I mean, you know, if a little kid has a birthday, you're like, hey, I
have a toy.
Get out of here.
Beat it.
But when you're older, you have like specific things that, you know, maybe you'd
like to
get so you let people know.
My parents ask me all the time, what do you want for your birthday?
What do you want for your birthday?
Because nobody has time to sit around and like figure out what do you want.
So, you know, I tell you what I want.
Isn't that what I did this year?
But that's what you did because you took what I wanted and then you kind of
riffed on it
and you got a bunch of stuff to surround.
No, it was wonderful.
But my point is you made me crazy.
I don't like that you still took credit.
You took what I said and then you riffed on it.
No, I didn't.
I actually listened to you this year from months ago and I figured out what the
fuck you wanted.
And then you did your usual thing because you are an organizing, like you just,
you're an
organized person, literally to the point that you're organizing my shopping for
what I get you.
Now, one of the great things about giving somebody a gift is the surprise where
they're like.
It's not a surprise when you take me out to brunch and you're like, all right,
I got to get you home
because I got to go shopping for your birthday.
Like, how's that supposed to make me feel?
I'm sitting there like, uh, okay.
This is why, this is why I did that because you emailed me something and I knew
you wanted this shit.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, if I just went out and got it for you, I mean, why don't I just fucking,
you know,
when the, when the mailman comes, he hands it to me and then I throw it at you
when you're sitting there.
It takes no fucking imagination whatsoever.
Right.
So I knew you wanted it.
I knew I was going to get it for you, but I'm like, how the fuck is it still a
surprise that she gets it?
So what I did was I acted like I wasn't, and I already knew the other things
that I were going to,
I was going to get.
I knew where the hell they were.
I waited to the last second to get it.
So you thought I was like a, uh, an unthoughtful jackass and it worked like a
fucking charm.
Why would you, why would you make yourself seem like, you know, a last minute
jackass like that?
Like why would, just to torture me, just to torture me because you can't just
give me the gift and be like, here you go, honey.
You have to have some other little thing where you throw me off my game.
You get me all in a tizzy and then it's like, oh wait, he actually did the
perfect thing.
Why?
Why do you play those games?
Because.
That's exactly the type of thing that you accuse women of doing and you do it
to me all the time.
This is why.
Because when I don't do that, you guess exactly what I'm going to get you and
it's fucking annoying.
It's fucking, and I've wrapped something, you already know what's in it.
You make me feel like an idiot.
Why do you feel like an idiot?
Just because I guess what it is.
You don't guess.
You peek.
You look.
No, you don't.
That time when I came, when I went Christmas shopping.
Oh my God.
Are we really going to have this conversation?
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
I told you that I did not see what you brought.
This is when you know you're going to bring up a good point with your woman and
she immediately starts trying to talk over you.
I do the same thing.
Yes, you do.
So I'm pulling up in the car.
You knew I was going Christmas shopping for you.
I'm getting out of the car.
I open the hatchback to our sweet, innocent little hybrid, right?
I take the bag out that has the name of the fucking store on it and I glance.
I honestly didn't say.
And I glance over at the house and you're standing there like a specter looking
out the window.
I had been waving at you.
My fucking heart.
My heart like jolted when I looked up.
No, you had a creepy look on your face.
You were doing something sneaky.
You were coming up and I was like waving at you.
No, you weren't.
And then you didn't see me.
Can I show you?
Can I show you what you were doing?
You have.
All right, fine.
You can show me.
This is what you were doing.
I looked when I'm looking at the house and I look up at you like this.
Nobody can see me.
So what?
You're sitting there looking like some weird like stalkers.
That's what you were doing.
No, I didn't.
This is what you were doing.
You're a spoiled brat and you wanted to see what was in the thing.
I'm not a spoiled brat.
Don't say that.
All right.
You're spoiled.
If I'm spoiled, it's because you spoil me.
Oh, God.
I'm blaming the victim once again.
The victim.
No, here's the deal.
Yes, you're such a victim.
No, that's why I did it.
I like to try to surprise you.
If I'm going to spend all my fucking money on some goddamn thing here, I want
you to-
No, you're so tacky.
I want to see-
You're so tacky to throw how much money it costs for you to get your birthday
present in my face.
You didn't have to say how much it costs.
Just by saying if I'm going to spend all my money on some of these.
Am I really going to lose this?
Am I going to lose this one?
It's my birthday, so yeah.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's go.
Let's get back to the podcast over here.
Yeah, because it's like a sport for you to figure out what the fuck I got you.
It's annoying.
I never try.
It's a sport for you to always throw me off my game.
You know what's a sport for me?
Teaching you how to use a microphone.
Just talk into it.
Oh, okay.
There you go.
You couldn't hear me before?
Well, I hear you, and then you're over here.
No.
You only go over here when you're imitating somebody else.
That's what you do.
Or when you go, lady.
Yeah.
Lay back.
There you go.
That's all it is.
That's the mic technique.
There you go.
Oh, look at this.
I'm out in my office.
My wife is still telling me to do shit through text message.
All right.
Will you take out the trash in the kitchen?
It just occurred to me that the cauliflower is going to stink up the joint.
All right.
Is that what just occurred to you?
All right.
I'm going to get into a fight.
Here we go.
Here's my response.
Hey, Nia.
It just occurred to me that you have two legs and two arms.
Throw it out yourself.
You know?
When did I become fucking Gary Garbage?
Why did I end on that?
I had you, and then I Gary Garbage.
I fucking tanked.
You know what?
This is great.
I can erase that message.
Let's do take two.
All right.
Hey, sweetheart.
You know what I just realized?
You know what just occurred to me?
Is that you have two legs and two arms and a brain that can tell you to go use
them.
To go down there and throw that 