Name: Bill Burr - Texas Student Mauled by Two Chimpanzees
Uploaded: 2023-07-05T15:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Texas Student Mauled by Two Chimpanzees' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Texas Student Mauled by Two Chimpanzees' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-05. Transcript available.

you know i think they should have to fucking sing the news the way they do in
the catholic church
you know there was a guy who got attacked by two monkeys in south africa
he decided he was gonna go down there and try to rehabilitate some chimpanzees
that had been
abused and they turned around dragged him for two kilometers and kicked the
shit out of him
what a dumb fuck why would you fly across the world to get your fucking ass
kicked
did you guys hear about this dude south africa texas student attacked by chimp
improves
thank god he improves this poor fucking bastard he's a ranger right he loves
animals this is the
thing about animal lovers you got to realize that once you go past a certain
level of domestic animal
and you start getting into the wild no matter how much you love them they're
not gonna love you back
i believe that we came from monkeys i believe that we came from the apes
i believe something else so there's three in a row and this sounds smooth
um but i by no means think that uh that those fucking things like us i don't
give a shit if
i teach it sign language and the chimp sitting there going in sign language hey
i think you're a cool
guy there freckled face cunt you know yeah there's no fucking way i'm ever
going on the other side of
the goddamn cage this poor bastard was on the other he was on the other side of
the cage he just got too
close that's how fucking insane a wild animal is chimpanzees they say have the
strength of six
six six men this dude got attacked by two chimps that would be like getting
attacked by a flash mob
okay like 12 fucking people they just grabbed this motherfucker by his ankles
they reached
underneath i mean i don't know what kind of bullshit cage they had it was like
a compound you know so
they put up that that that cheap wire shit when you don't want a rabbit to come
in and eat your
lettuce right in your garden like they put that shit up so this fucking guy's
sitting there you know is
they going doing that shit and he's like what are you guys trying to tell me
what are you trying to
tell me right he's trying to sign to him you guys want to play frisbee right
and they're sitting there
talking to each other going just two more inches two more inches look at this
dumb motherfucker who
wants to play frisbee right they reach underneath grab him by his fucking
ankles
strength of 12 men they fucking pull him right underneath that goddamn thing
like when you go to
quiznos and they stick your sub right through that poor excuse for a fucking uh
brick oven yanked
motherfucker right underneath oh my god and then they dragged him for like
another fucking two kilometers
however fucking far that is i don't know in my world that's uh what's that
about a mile and a quarter
because i know like 40 kilometers like 60 kilometers is like 40 miles an hour
who gives a fuck they drag
this son of a bitch basically through the length of every football stadium in
the nfl and i can guarantee
you it wasn't the nice turf that those guys play on this was the natural
habitat like i can't imagine
the vice grip strength those those fucking things man they'll rip your foot off
they'll rip your balls
off they'll rip your face off they'll rip it off like you open a fucking
goddamn thing of yogurt
goddamn ice cream when you just take the lid off they do that to your face what
the fuck are you doing
near these goddamn things you know a goddamn schizophrenic fucking ate two of
them straight to 12 goddamn men
and you're gonna walk near the cage trying to sign hey how about the weather
frank or whatever fucking
human name you gave him you're right you're in your fucking god bless you your
heart's in the right
place fortunately this kid doesn't seem like he had any damage like that but
like this dude was so in
shock like they were finally able to just like stitch him up and stabilize him
and evidently he's not in
critical condition and it doesn't seem like it seems like he still has his
balls his feet and his face
which is incredible but they say you know he has bite marks and uh and fractures
plural
oh my god just treating you like a fucking rag doll that is the most horrifying
shit
in the world