Name: Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Blackmailing Me
Uploaded: 2023-07-11T15:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Blackmailing Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Girlfriend is Blackmailing Me' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-11. Transcript available.

Anyways, my girlfriend is blackmailing me.
Jesus Christ.
Dear Bill, my ex-girlfriend and I were together for two months before she
wanted to watch porn with me.
I was all hyped thinking that she was perfect, and she said she'd pick the porno.
I didn't want to make her uncomfortable if I picked it.
Dude, that's a good thing because if you're too far down the road, you're going
to fuck up the whole thing.
So that was actually a very smart move.
Kudos to you, young man.
He goes, the night we did, she turned on the video, and it was a cartoon
getting raped by a tentacle monster.
And an orc, O-R-C.
I don't know what the fuck that is.
I'm not in this world.
I was disgusted and turned it off immediately and stopped having sex with her.
Oh, so you guys were having sex, and then she turned on this fucking horrific
cartoon.
Okay.
I've seen those.
I've never watched one.
I've seen those when you go through.
I've seen, like, the cartoons when I go on the fuck.
I want to watch people banging.
I don't want to see, like, you know, shaggy banging fucking, what was her name,
Daphne?
Who was the hot one?
Anyways, I was disgusted and turned it off, immediately stopped having sex with
her.
She isn't some geek.
She's super hot.
She started crying, saying that I didn't have an open mind.
I left and broke up with her.
Damn.
At school, she spread it around that I was the one that shows the video.
Oh, there's Verzi.
Hey, Verzi, I'm wrapping up my podcast.
Verzi.
I'm wrapping up my podcast.
What's going on, man?
Nothing.
I'm doing my podcast.
Jesus Christ, Paul.
I'm wrapping it up.
I'm live right now, talking to you.
Let me call you in, like, 12 minutes.
All right, all right.
Is there anything?
Fucking people just can't get off the damn phone.
I got to go.
I got to go.
Oh, you got to go?
Where are you going?
So, anyways, she isn't some geek.
She's super hot.
She started crying.
Okay.
So, I broke up with her.
After school, she spread it around that I was the one that shows the video.
She then blackmailing me, blackmailed me, saying she'd stop if we got back
together.
Ah, for fuck's sakes.
Joe DeRose is calling.
Ah, geez, Joe, I'm doing my podcast, you cunts.
Let me call you back in 10 minutes.
Ah, go fuck yourself, Joe.
Tell it to somebody else.
Um, where the hell am I?
Uh, so she blackmailed me, saying she'd stop if we got back together.
She'd stop what?
She already told everybody.
My friends say I should get back together with her because she's hot.
That is the male brain at 20 years of age.
And that, that I, I keep her getting teased?
Ah, I can't, you fucked up that sentence, dude.
I don't know if you deleted something.
He said, even teachers look at me differently.
What should I do minus throwing my 10-pound textbook at her head?
You know what?
Look, dude, you know the real story.
And it's going to be in your face.
When somebody comes up to you and is like, hey, I heard you were watching that
fucking, uh, octopus raping that chick cartoon video.
You just look, just be like, oh yeah, is that what you heard?
Is that what she told you?
You know, why do you give a fuck?
I know why you give a fuck because it's your world.
Dude, the last thing you want to do is get together with her.
This is what you do.
Call her.
Oh, this is what you do.
Oh, I got it.
Here's what you do.
Here's what you do.
Why don't you just fucking record a phone conversation with her or have her
come over.
All right.
You fucking hit record on your fucking smartphone.
You have her come in and just say, listen, I'm sorry I broke up with you.
I'd really like to get back together with you, but you have to promise me you
will stop telling people that lie or whatever.
And you get her to admit it and then you just talk to her for 10 minutes.
Why are you, why do you think you're into stuff like that?
And you get her to admit the whole fucking thing.
And then in the end, just go, you know what?
I just realized I don't want to get back together with you and then you kick
her out because fuck her and her feelings at this point.
All right.
And then you let her spread the fucking rumor.
And then what you do is you just upload onto your fucking page the audio.
And then you become fucking, oh, no, no, no, don't do that.
Don't do that because then that's all fucking mean.
This is what you do.
You fucking hit stop and just say, listen, I'm going to tell you something.
Then the next day when you guys are allegedly together, you meet up with her in
a coffee shop like fucking Mickey Rourke in the end of fucking the Pope of
Greenwich Village.
And then you say, listen, bitch, we're not getting together and you're going to
stop saying that shit about me.
You know why?
Because I got a tape, a tape.
I took off a dead cop and you fucking punch the side of her hand just like you're
talking to Burt Young.
Okay.
Then you put fucking lie in a coffee, Charlie.
No, you don't do that.
That's what you do.
Just fucking record her.
And this is the thing.
Don't put it on your Facebook page.
Just have it on your phone.
Okay.
And at any point anybody comes up to you and says it, just say, oh, yeah,
listen to this.
And then you play it for them and say, there, go fuck yourself.
And then that's it.
And eventually it'll get back to her that you have that fucking recording.
And then she'll shut the fuck up.
But don't put it on your Facebook page because then somehow there'll be some
sort of cyber bullying.
And at the end of it, she has a vagina and you have a dick.
So somehow you'll end up being wrong.
You know, because if there's one thing I've learned, the ladies are never wrong
in the public eye because they can't bench press as much as us.
That's basically what it comes down to.
All right.
Here we go.
So that's what you do, sir.
Just pretend like you're getting back together with her and then go into an in-depth
conversation about why she's into those videos.
And why she would go out and hurt you like that when you would never do
something like that to her.
Okay.
Don't say you're going to get back together.
Just say, I want to talk about this.
I have to think about this and just delve into all of that and ask her why she
would do something like that.
And then in the end, just be like, you know, I don't know.
I need to think about this.
And then you walk dramatically over to the window.
And then she goes, does that mean we're back together?
And then you go, get out.
Just get out.
And then you got the tape.
And then you're good.
And anybody gives you any shit, just say, I got audio of her talking about why
she's into it.
All right.
And then call her.
And then call her and tell her.
Just say, listen, I recorded that conversation last night.
So it's in your best interest to shut the fuck up.
All right.
So why don't you go find a squid to shove in your twat and leave me out of it?
And that's the news.
And I'm out of here.
Bill, should I fly the coop and leave my boring boyfriend?
Yes.
Absolutely.
That's it.
I don't even need to read it.
You're thinking about leaving because your boyfriend boards the shit out of you.
You know, if you want longevity, you've got to have somebody that keeps your
fucking heart going a pitta pitta.
Dearest Billiam, how's it going?
I'm a 32-year-old lady in need of some advice.
I moved to a new place about a year ago to be with my boyfriend.
And everything with him is perfect.
We laugh a lot.
The sex is great and rarely argue.
It's a dream.
My issue is where we live and who we live with.
Oh, shit.
This has nothing to do with him.
See this?
This is why you read him.
Where the hell am I here?
We laugh a lot.
My issue is where we live and who we live with.
I hate the area that we live in.
And my gut thinks we live in a paradise.
Oh, and my guy thinks we live in a paradise and doesn't want to move.
We also live with a mean-ass relative of his that he is caring for.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Okay, first of all, I'm just going to say you're a saint for actually putting
up with this this long.
Not being married to somebody and you're fucking with their goddamn in-law or
some shit.
I help take care of this surly fuck, too, but I'm over it.
I'm thinking about bailing ship.
I feel bad about it because, one, who am I kidding?
I'm old and the baby machine is ready for distribution.
Two, the guy I'm with is honestly the nicest person that I've ever met.
Anything you and the lovely Nia can suggest would be appreciated.
By the way, thanks for making the beginning of my week a little better.
Oh, look at you.
You're a sweetheart.
All right, so you love this guy.
You just have to sit down with him and just be like, listen, sweetheart, we're
better than this.
Okay?
You know?
I hate living here.
At the very least, I think you would be a lot happier if you could just not be
living with this surly motherfucker.
You know?
Is there any way you guys can live someplace nearby?
Can you have that surly fuck like in a shed?
You know?
Like that Slingblades brother that they buried in that hole in the backyard?
You know?
Can you just...
Can you go down to Home Depot and just buy some sort of fucking four-walled
structure with a roof and just stick that fucker in there?
With a, you know, with an air-conditioned wall unit?
Can we get a wall unit at least?
Yeah.
I don't think that, you know, if you really love this guy, you shouldn't leave
him over this.
But, like, if this guy loves you, you can actually sit down and have a
conversation and just be like, listen, I'm miserable.
You know?
If I was ever with Nia and she's just like, listen, I fucking hate L.A.
I can't deal with this anymore.
I got to get out of here.
You know?
Now, if she said I want to go live in Kansas, I'd be like, well, I don't think
I can make a living out there.
We need to talk.
But, you know, if she wants to go back to New York, I would go back.
You know?
So, who knows?
Just have the conversation.
Have you had a conversation with him?
Have the conversation.
See how it goes.
And then fucking write me back.
Let me know what's up.
All right?
That's it.
That's it.
All right.