Name: Bill Burr Advice - Am I Dating the Wrong Lady?
Uploaded: 2023-07-29T17:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Am I Dating the Wrong Lady?' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr Advice - Am I Dating the Wrong Lady?' from Fans of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-29. Transcript available.

Hey Bill, greetings from Spain. Hola, mi amigo. When are you coming here?
I'm going to come there and watch people get run over by bulls at some point.
And I've realized that the place to be at is you want to be in the arena where
there's nowhere left to run.
You know? Anyway, I'm 22 and need some advice about a girl I'm dating.
She was in class with me in high school.
Dude, are you bilingual when you write this? This is just amazing.
My old Spanish fell off again because I can't find a disc to put it on this
laptop.
It's only on my old one. The worst.
Two months or so ago, we met again for my best friend's birthday.
Wait, let's start over again. I already forgot what happened.
She was in class with me in high school. We were good friends at the time.
Two months ago, we met again for my best friend's birthday party.
She fit in my group of friends pretty well.
And after a couple of days, we started flirting with each other.
Finally, one night we hooked up and now we're dating.
Great. What could go wrong?
Two years ago, she quit her career in college and I picked another one that she
liked.
Two years ago, she quit her career in college and I picked another one that she
liked.
I don't know what that means.
She had to move to Madrid to attend school.
Yesterday, we were having a small pillow talk and I asked her how many guys she'd
bang.
She started counting and my asshole shrunk a little.
Turns out when she was in Madrid, she fucked six guys in six months and then
started a relationship with another one that went for a year and a half.
They broke up a month ago and now she's with me.
So if my math doesn't fail, counting her first boyfriend, the sixth dude that
she's fucked and this last guy, I'm dick number nine.
I've slept with six women in my entire life and somehow I feel like I'm dating
a whore.
Dude, she's still in single digits.
You know, that ain't nine dicks.
You're number nine.
Eight.
Trying to think of the schoolhouse fucking rock song for eight.
Was there one?
Three's a magic number.
Number nine will put you on the spot.
Number nine will tie you up in a knot.
I've slept with six women my entire life and somehow I feel like I'm dating a
whore.
I can't help but have this horrendous thought in my head.
I'm not a jealous guy at all, but I caught myself a couple times on her
Facebook page guessing who these dudes are.
Dude, don't do that to yourself.
Look, you're competitive.
All right.
You know, you have six TD passes.
She has nine.
She's going.
She's starting the Pro Bowl.
She's sweet.
She's nice.
She's into me.
But I think it will be different for me to trust this girl, which had never
happened to me before.
I'm feeling miserable.
Any advice will be appreciated.
Yeah, dude, it's not her fault.
You only banked six broads.
All right.
It'd be one thing if she had a history of cheating on guys she was in a
relationship with.
Look, put it this way.
A woman, if she's even just halfway decent looking, can go out to a bar and get
dick every fucking night.
All right.
Now, if you could do that, if you could turn the fucking table, if you could go
out and get laid like that with women, how many women would you have banged in
fucking six months?
180 is what I'm going to say.
Six months, 30 days, a fucking month, roughly.
Yeah, you probably would bang.
You'd probably bang 80 before you started thinking, what am I doing?
This is empty.
You know?
She banged six.
She, that was probably her fucking little, little, uh, she got it out of her
system.
You know?
She's not fucking around on you.
She's not a whore.
She's just making you, uh, uh, not inconsiderate.
What's the word?
Insecure.
You're all right, dude.
Nine.
In this day and age with airborne gonorrhea.
I mean, that's pretty, that's a pretty fucking low number.
And she did it all in Spain, way away from San Diego State University.
Home of airborne gonorrhea, rhea, rhea, rhea.
Do you think they're going to put that in their fucking brochure?
You know, every, every college has to be number one in something.
Oh my God.
Who's their big rival in football that you guys got to make the airborne gonorrhea
fucking
t-shirts show up with gas masks on for those dirty, filthy fucking students.
The fact that the fucking chick from the goddamn school is sitting there going
in the sad thing
he didn't even get any ass right there that a fucking lady would talk like that.
Let's you know why there's airborne gonorrhea.
Oh, you fucking skank.
All right.
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Okay.
Bill, what am I doing?
I'm originally from Massachusetts.
I recently got out of the Army Infantry, and I'm now living in Hawaii.
There you go, huh?
That's a good deal.
He goes, it's not as good as it sounds.
Okay.
All right.
Well, there goes all that happiness.
I stayed here because I fell in love with a smoking hot local girl.
She's 29 with three kids, all from the same guy.
But he's a fucking piece of shit in and out of jail for being a meth head like
most Hawaiians.
Anyway, sometimes I feel trapped here playing daddy.
I'm 25 years old, been all over the world, done my time in the military.
Now I'm going to school to be a firefighter.
Had a fucking college where only 6% of the people are white, and they fucking
hate white people.
Oh, the white people hate white people?
All right.
But it's kind of a good deal because her grandfather is a retired federal fire
chief, so in a year I can be in the firehouse.
I don't know what to do.
She and the kids aren't too bad.
Honestly, it's all fucking amazing.
But I still feel trapped in this fucking Twilight Zone fucking life where I've
got three kids and a wife, air quote.
Another option is I'm back in mass drinking beers and trying to avoid getting
any felony convictions.
I don't fucking know, man.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm letting the best years of my life get away from
me.
Then I think maybe these are the best years of my life, and I start crying into
my fucking beer.
You got any advice?
I need a new point of view on this whole thing.
Thanks, man.
Jesus, dude.
This is a fucking dilemma.
You gave me just enough information to still be...
All right.
Are you going to marry this girl?
Do you love her like that?
When you're 35, she's 39.
You're 65.
She's 69.
You know, is she going to have any more kids with you?
How many kids do you want?
How many more kids does she want?
You know, they got fires in Massachusetts, too, you know, so you can always be
a firefighter wherever the fuck you go.
Are you ready for all of this?
This is what you got to ask yourself.
You know, it sounds like you're pretty happy.
You're living in a paradise.
You know, with those volcanoes there, you're always going to have work.
There's always going to be some fires, right?
You know, when the dollar collapses, well, there's still a zillion people there.
You can still have some shit going on.
Yeah, dude, this is up to you.
I hate to say that.
I mean, when I was 25 years old, I was not ready to be living in Hawaii with a
woman four years older than me with three fucking kids.
I was not ready to do that.
So I understand if you're feeling shit like that, I definitely get that.
But I also hadn't traveled the fucking world, fought in a war and done all the
stuff that you've done.
You've lived way more life than I have at 25.
So, yeah, you just got to ask yourself those questions.
What the fuck do you want to do?